Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Crystal on May 14, 2010 at 11:11am

Jenny our lives sound so incredibly similar. I'm so sorry for all of your loss and heartache. If ever you want to talk my email is crystal_durio@yahoo.com

Jenny said:

I to can relate as I lost my mom/bestfriend alomg with my job, and my house al win 1 wek. To say the least, family friends are sympathetic, however, don't understand the huge whole in my heart and I didn't know where to begin, what to do .wel, you get the picture. To top it of the life ins. co. denied us my mothers life ins .for some cockamania reason. My brother is hot and cold, overal doesn't get the special bomd we had. I was her caretaker as wel, and from my brothers prospectve, he thinks we sat home and ate bon bons 24/7! Infuriates me. Althought I would do it again in a heartbeat, as it was the toughest job I'll ever love. He thinks it was so easy. (He lives 2 blocks away has 2 able children and a wife who's a nurse. Not once in 4 years did they ofer me a break, offer to cok diner. BUT did ofer to expres how the house was a mess, nothing to eat, laundry needed to be done and then went there merry way. His 5-10 min. visit each day was his offering of help! I love him dearly, .Now, he is insinuating that when we sell the house(which, I was responsible ,acording to him to pay 70 morgae monthly along w/ al the bils as long as I was living there on an unemployment salary.I was forced to move out on my birthday w/o warnig and had to grab what I could so they could start to sel everything.in order to get the house ready for seling. ! Are people, siblings that insensitive? He was not brought up that way! However, I'm so scared to rock the boat,as my brother has a temper, that I wil loose the only family.that I have left.I'm babling and apologize.But please know yu are notlone and I wil kep you and al of us in this boat close to my heart and in my prayers. thanks for listening.

k the $ that was charged for Extra cleaning, and my Mom's credit cards is coming out of my half as MY mother was "Never in debt until I moved bak in w/ her" The fact of the mater is my mom could no longer work, I at the time lost my job (before losing the last one) and Ofice for the aging recomended she stop paying on them,hence the large debt! My mother was an acount an impecable regarding her bils. I am hurt, insulted and get the impresion he thinks I was "taking a fre ride" when I was working my @#%! of 24/7! OH I'm so angry I forgot my point.lolSorry!
/Yvonne said:

Tracy,
I am so sorry to learn of your multiple losses. Its possible that the move happened too soon for your father, who is also mourning your mother. I lost my mother at the end of January, so I can relate to the depths of your grief. However one bit of advice I received as I continue to adjust to the shock of it all was "Make no major decisions for at least a year - for everything will be clouded by your grief." This would apply to the move your father made...however this is now done and may not be easily reversed. There is also something I have observed when friends have had to make a decision to move their parents into other senior's accommodations...it seems that for at least about 6 weeks the parents resent the person who made that decision for them. After all, our parents will always want to be the ones who make the decisions and they must find it very difficult to have someone acting on their behalf. It is important tho' that you try to mend this rift with your father if only by showing up and telling him that you still love him, he will always be your father and you still want him in your life. Do not let this fester. You need each other and the stress of the loss, etc could take a toll on his health too.

My dear mother passed when I was not ready to let her go; although she did her best to warn me with comments such as "At my age you have to expect anything" and "what will be will be". I think she knew how hard it would be for me to lose her but I had somehow expected there might be a period of palliative care, a warning of some sort. Instead her heart simply stopped in her sleep so there was no chance to say goodbye. However, with every visit and every phone call we always concluded our time together by saying "I love you".
My problem is that as I try to cope with this loss, a man I had believed to be my closest friend, simply abandoned me when I needed his support. In fact in the depths of my grief he chose to end our friendship so I am essentially mourning the loss of too important people. I have never known such pain.

Permalink Reply by Julia Harden on May 14, 2010 at 8:28pm

I lost my mom on November 11, 2009. I had a routine that every night I would call my mother and father to make sure that they were doing okay and November 10, 2009, was no different. I talked with my mom for some time and I can remember her telling me that "she wasn't going to make it to the next holiday". I didn't think very much of this since she had been saying that for years or something like it. I told her I loved her and hung up. When I was at work the following morning, my cell phone rang and it was my dad telling me that they were rushing my mother to the hospital in cardiac arrest. I was in disbelief and couldn't believe my ears. When we got to the hospital the chaplin met us at the door to the emergency room. She had just passed... unexpectedly. She had just been given a clean bill of health from all her doctors and specialists. It was a freak of nature or so it seemed.
My husband and I have been staying with my father since and I am so afraid that I'm going to lose him and I'm frightened to actually move back to my own home. I understand that my dad has his life to live and I also have my life to live but I am having a hard time letting go.It doesn't help that my mother is buried in Cincinnati and I live in the northern part of Indiana. I find myself visiting the graveyard every time I visit my old hometown. I feel lost without my mother physically here to help guide me and I don't know how to pull myself out of this slump of depression.
A part of me has disappeared and I want it back! How can I find my way to trust my father will not leave this earth without 1, me telling him I love him before hand and 2, me being there to guide him or help him.
I feel alone even though there are many people around me that care. How long will this go on and more importantly, how can I stop it? I miss my mother! She was my best friend and I could talk to her about anything.
Help!

Permalink Reply by white dove on May 17, 2010 at 10:05am

Dear Julia, my deepest condolences to u dear, in losing your dear Mom. While reading everyones feelings here, there seems to be one common thread.. i truly believe our loved ones know.. and can pick their time to go. Many are saddened they weren't with their loved one when they left.. in those cases, i feel the departed didn't want their loved one's to have to suffer-witness their leaving.. As far as stopping our feelings, I have found that talking has helped to lesson the severe pain.. i have found many support/counselors for my personal journey thru this.. It was a year ago on 3-30 that my mom left this earth.. and just the other day i finally got up the nerve to go to one of our favorite re-sale stores.. OH MY.. the flood gates opened wide all the way home.. and then thru the evening. Did i see it coming? no.. but if i look at it closer. i feel maybe that is why it took me so long to go to our favorite "goodie store"! I felt, heard and saw my mom everywhere there.... sitting back, enjoying watching US! Even now, just saying this makes me cry. We had a ton of wonderful adventures.. and hopefully the next time i go .... it will be easier. Our Prayers are with you!

Julia Harden said:

I lost my mom on November 11, 2009. I had a routine that every night I would call my mother and father to make sure that they were doing okay and November 10, 2009, was no different. I talked with my mom for some time and I can remember her telling me that "she wasn't going to make it to the next holiday". I didn't think very much of this since she had been saying that for years or something like it. I told her I loved her and hung up. When I was at work the following morning, my cell phone rang and it was my dad telling me that they were rushing my mother to the hospital in cardiac arrest. I was in disbelief and couldn't believe my ears. When we got to the hospital the chaplin met us at the door to the emergency room. She had just passed... unexpectedly. She had just been given a clean bill of health from all her doctors and specialists. It was a freak of nature or so it seemed.
My husband and I have been staying with my father since and I am so afraid that I'm going to lose him and I'm frightened to actually move back to my own home. I understand that my dad has his life to live and I also have my life to live but I am having a hard time letting go.It doesn't help that my mother is buried in Cincinnati and I live in the northern part of Indiana. I find myself visiting the graveyard every time I visit my old hometown. I feel lost without my mother physically here to help guide me and I don't know how to pull myself out of this slump of depression.
A part of me has disappeared and I want it back! How can I find my way to trust my father will not leave this earth without 1, me telling him I love him before hand and 2, me being there to guide him or help him.
I feel alone even though there are many people around me that care. How long will this go on and more importantly, how can I stop it? I miss my mother! She was my best friend and I could talk to her about anything.
Help!

Permalink Reply by Dignity Memorial NC on May 17, 2010 at 3:16pm

Losing your mom can be hard even years after-the-fact, and Mother's Day tends to reopen these old wounds. One thing we've found through dealing with our families is that the first step in truly coming to terms with death is understanding the different stages of grief; then you can learn to truly deal with them. We've written out our tips here: http://bit.ly/bBvgdg

Permalink Reply by SheJaq on May 17, 2010 at 6:19pm

I lost my mom April 23, 2010. I miss her so much. I had spent the last few years taking care of her as she had some minor health issues. Six months ago, she was diagnosed with lung cancer and emphysema and I continued to care for her. She was a very strong woman and didn't need a lot but I was honoured to be able to do the little things for her. I do have one regret and that is the last words I spoke to her were a lie. She was in the hospital and I visited her in the morning and told her I was just going to grab something to eat and would be back - fully intending to go to work and put in a few hours before I returned. Something stopped me from leaving. I had gone and grabbed some food and 45 minutes later, I couldn't leave knowing I had lied to her. I went back up to her room but by the time I got back she was unconscious and she never woke up again. She passed away the next morning. I think I may have taken a couple of minutes to stretch my legs but for the most part, I stayed by her side holding her hand until the end. I needed to be there. I needed to be there so that if she woke up, she would know that I didn't lie and leave her. But she never woke up. I know that she wouldn't hold that against me. I don't know how to live without her. My whole life has revolved around her and I don't know what I am going to do. I know that she got her wish for it to be over with quick and I know she is free of pain and she is back with my dad and happy again and that is all that counts.

Permalink Reply by evirden on May 18, 2010 at 1:19pm

My mother died unexpectedly due to an overdose of Phenobarbitol (siezure meds). She didn't have that particular condition, but for some reason it was prescribed to her. She had been lying in bed all day, gurgling, struggling to breathe while my stepfather continued to drink beer and watch the NASCAR races. My sister, who lives with them told him several times that we need to call an ambulance. He kept refusing. My mom has had a pill problem for as long as I can remember, but this time was different. About 9:00 that evening she asked for assistance to the restroom, and at 9:15, my sister had found her with no pulse. It was only then my stepdad decided to call the ambulance.
At the time the ambulance were on their way, my sister called me at work. I drove about 80 the entire time. I wasn't talking to my mom at the time. I was mad at her for getting beat up by my stepdad for the upteenth time and not reporting it. I have been the rock of my family, the shoulder for everyone to cry on. Even though I'm 30 years old, I want my Mommy. I don't know how to grieve because I have been taking care of everyone else's grief.

Please help with a response. I need all the help I can get.

Permalink Reply by Shannon Berry on May 18, 2010 at 11:12pm

We found out my Mom had lung cancer at the end of July 2009. She was gone in September 2009. She never even got an "official diagnosis". She underwent two biopsies (they didn't get enough tissue the first time). She went into the hospital for the second biopsy and never came home. I feel like I am still in shock. Even though almost 9 months have gone by, it seems like it was just yesterday. The holidays were hard. I had my 40th Birthday in March and that day was hard. My brother just got his MBA and that day was hard. Those were two important days I know my Mom would've been proud of and they just weren't the same without her there to share them with us.
My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years-he has been caring and supportive but he doesn't understand. My BFF of 25 years has chosen these last several months to "not" be here for me. My Dad gives me the most comfort. Even at "40", I am still a Daddy's girl. My brother knows the sadness I feel. My in-laws, who are always happy and positive, seem to have forgotten. It is hard for me to be around them. They ask my husband how I am doing, but they rarely ask me. I miss my Mom and I think about her everyday. I want my Mommy back. I want to sit in her lap and fall asleep to the softness of her voice and her arms around me, like I used to. There is nothing like it!

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on May 20, 2010 at 7:32pm

Hello, Shannon,
I can so relate to how you may feel. My mother passed in January of 2009 and altho I have been through all the "firsts" the second go round doesn't seem much easier. There is still a void where my Mom should be and like you, a couple of my closest friends were just not there. One actually told me 'You mother was old, and in hospital, what did you expect?" However when she lost her father a few months ago she quickly apologised and only had to say "Now I understand; and I am so sorry". Your BFF will also eventually realise that she let you down when you needed her. Its good that you have your brother to share your immediate family to share your grief with and I would encourage you to share all your memories of your times with your mother as often as you can. Actually in such conversations you may find how much more you discover about the time each of you may have had with her privately. But, as everyone here will tell you, missing such an important person in your life doesn't necessarily go away. There will be days you will find yourself thinking "I must tell Mom this" or times when you will be shopping and you will think "I should buy this for Mom cuz she would love it" or you will be thinking about something your mother used to bake and think "I must ask her how she makes that."
I do believe our mothers never leave us, they will live forever in our hearts. In the meantime a friend gave me an excellent suggestion. Possible something that might be difficult to tackle while your grief is still fresh, but worth considering for a time later. My friend reminded me that in many of these nursing homes there are elderly souls, many of them women, who have no one visiting them No one to ask them about their youth or their favourite songs, no one to read to them. My friend suggested I could volunteer to help out at these places, spend some time with the elderly ladies who have no one and maybe cheer them up a bit. Heaven knows, in time that could be me! Its worth considering.

Shannon Berry said:

We found out my Mom had lung cancer at the end of July 2009. She was gone in September 2009. She never even got an "official diagnosis". She underwent two biopsies (they didn't get enough tissue the first time). She went into the hospital for the second biopsy and never came home. I feel like I am still in shock. Even though almost 9 months have gone by, it seems like it was just yesterday. The holidays were hard. I had my 40th Birthday in March and that day was hard. My brother just got his MBA and that day was hard. Those were two important days I know my Mom would've been proud of and they just weren't the same without her there to share them with us.
My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years-he has been caring and supportive but he doesn't understand. My BFF of 25 years has chosen these last several months to "not" be here for me. My Dad gives me the most comfort. Even at "40", I am still a Daddy's girl. My brother knows the sadness I feel. My in-laws, who are always happy and positive, seem to have forgotten. It is hard for me to be around them. They ask my husband how I am doing, but they rarely ask me. I miss my Mom and I think about her everyday. I want my Mommy back. I want to sit in her lap and fall asleep to the softness of her voice and her arms around me, like I used to. There is nothing like it!

Permalink Reply by Jan Lindsay, Sowden on May 25, 2010 at 11:14am

my Mother just passed away last Wed. May 19th. at 7:27 PM 2010. She left to go live the lord and I miss her so much. She die in my arms and I was the only one there as My other family members couldn't take watching her go with NO life support. I don't know when I'll feel better but I'm trying this. If anyone can help me with the pain in my heart please contact me. I actually asked her to take me with her. But she did'nt I hope someone can answer me cause I feel so alone and sick. what do I do Next? I'll even share my phone # if someone wants to talk to me. Please Help! Jan Lindsay

Permalink Reply by white dove on May 25, 2010 at 12:31pm

Oh sweetie, click on my name and we can chat more that way if u wish. I am so so sorry for your loss of your mom. I also cared for my mom and she passed with us there also. i was quite a bit shocky for awhile. If u want to chat please click on my name (White Dove) and i will respond asap! Hugs, Love and Prayers 4 You!

Jan Lindsay, Sowden said:

my Mother just passed away last Wed. May 19th. at 7:27 PM 2010. She left to go live the lord and I miss her so much. She die in my arms and I was the only one there as My other family members couldn't take watching her go with NO life support. I don't know when I'll feel better but I'm trying this. If anyone can help me with the pain in my heart please contact me. I actually asked her to take me with her. But she did'nt I hope someone can answer me cause I feel so alone and sick. what do I do Next? I'll even share my phone # if someone wants to talk to me. Please Help! Jan Lindsay

Permalink Reply by wd on May 31, 2010 at 11:31pm

Well I know you haven't heard from me for a little bit, believe me when I say, each day for me is day to day and hour by hour. Wow I never dreamed that with all that I am reading so many of you feel the same as me. This is truly a help just to hear from those of you who truly understand. To Yvonne I have been able to communicate with my dad and yes he is still very much grieving and he did not realize the pain I was in and now we are helping each other. I guess I needed the reality check. I just want to feel less pain but it is so difficult.. I am trying so hard to smile. I just talked to a girlfriend recently and do you know she is arguing with her mom on MOTHER'S Day!!! Doesn't she get it??? Please if any one is reading this: don't let arguments take away your time together .Time is precious. If you have your mom and she is a good mother be blessed to have her. Pray for me please....

Permalink Reply by wd on May 31, 2010 at 11:42pm

You know evirden I can certainly see why you have been so tormented. Try to help heal yourself by accepting that the choice your mom made was hers not yours. My mom was mistreated by my dad for years and all she ever said was, I couldn't support my kids, they deserved a chance. So when we carry the anger of our parents choices in life then we own it. Now that mom has left try to put some closure to it and start taking care of you. I know it isn't easy, but if you don't start trying to concentrate on what you need, you will lose focus. So much of my healing and trying to cope is to realize that all of the people who are trying to lean on me will now have to take care of themselves. This is not being mean just simply allow those who keep pulling at you to handle their problems. If you jump right in and try to fix it then you are letting them off. Give yourself a chance to heal.

evirden said:

My mother died unexpectedly due to an overdose of Phenobarbitol (siezure meds). She didn't have that particular condition, but for some reason it was prescribed to her. She had been lying in bed all day, gurgling, struggling to breathe while my stepfather continued to drink beer and watch the NASCAR races. My sister, who lives with them told him several times that we need to call an ambulance. He kept refusing. My mom has had a pill problem for as long as I can remember, but this time was different. About 9:00 that evening she asked for assistance to the restroom, and at 9:15, my sister had found her with no pulse. It was only then my stepdad decided to call the ambulance.
At the time the ambulance were on their way, my sister called me at work. I drove about 80 the entire time. I wasn't talking to my mom at the time. I was mad at her for getting beat up by my stepdad for the upteenth time and not reporting it. I have been the rock of my family, the shoulder for everyone to cry on. Even though I'm 30 years old, I want my Mommy. I don't know how to grieve because I have been taking care of everyone else's grief.

Please help with a response. I need all the help I can get.

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