Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Stefanie on June 3, 2010 at 9:14am

Hello my name is stefanie and i lost my mother when i was 6. My mother was only 24 she was killed by the careless mistakes of her boyfriend. It is very hard living with out my mother,considering i am only 18 and had to raise myself to be the person that i am today.

Permalink Reply by Jan Lindsay, Sowden on June 5, 2010 at 7:02pm

(white dove) said:

God's Blessings to all of our beloved Mom's today! Even tho we aren't together on this Earth.. i believe we are in spirit, until the Day when we will see each other again.. Happy Mother's Day Mom! We continue to love and miss you so very much... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo's!

Jalopy said:

Dear Marci,

I am sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and the lousy treatment from your family.

I also thought my family would share in my pain, but have learned that there are those of us who made choices that kept us closer to our Moms than our siblings. They don't "get it" that our loss isn't only the devastation of losing a parent, but doubly hard, since we have also lost our best friends. The emptiness is beyond expression. They really don't get it.... That is their loss and a challenge for us.

My family doesn't talk about anything and we can fight over nothing.

I am sorry that this seems to be your experience as well.

Just know that you are not alone - but look for your support in others if your family doesn't have the will or the capacity to understand YOUR loss.

I believe all who are posting here truly KNOW your loss - it is a mutual pain that we share and that we can help one another bear. Only do the next thing - breathe, eat as healthy as possible and get plenty of rest. These self-care things will help you walk through the hard times and believe it or not, there is hope. You will come through this with a new appreciation for life.

May you find peace in these challenging circumstances.

God Bless,
Jalopy

Permalink Reply by flagator8 on June 5, 2010 at 8:23pm

Spend as much time as you can with her. tell her you love her and that she is your hero. Talk to her, hug her and hold her. and tell her everthin you have ever wanted to say.

RandiSabo said:

I am 35 and found out mom has extensive breast cancer with mets to bone, liver and nodes. Breast surgeons say surgery is no longer an option and Onc's say treatment will only be palliative. Mom has chosed to defer any treatment to be able to enjoy 'what she has left'. I am a medical professional and respect her decision 100%, but just cant come to terms with this. I cry at the drop of a hat. I feel that the control i usually have over patients care has been stripped from me and I just dont know what to do with myself. How do you cope?

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on June 7, 2010 at 12:23am

Jerr, I have had a crazy couple of weeks, and I have not been faithful in my comittments that are on the top of my list, ie, chatting and encouraging the people that listen, love, and share with me as we all are slowly but surely climbing back up to reality, yes this is my real life, and I don't want to do my duties of cooking, cleaning, mothering, being a wife, sister, friend or anything at all, most days I can't or don't even know what day I am on, or if it would make a differance anyway. I evaluate, re-evaluate, and have questioned every decision I ever made for the past 40 years, and that does not count for the 14 years when I was growing up, and playing.....and not a worry on my mind. Please stay in touch....I need some real friends, not just the friend who is too busy to here another trauma in the life of Belinda....I wish I could smile more, and and have fewer pity parties....but I know someday, somehow I will survive! Hugs and warm loving wishes, B. Please email me if you need just anything at all, please put in the subject A friend from the same journey...sometime I am not the best on reading and checking my emails. carrugs@aol.com

Jerr said:

Thank you for your insight, Belinda. I helps me understand how critical his condition was and I didn't know how bad he was until you explained it. I know that wasn't the way he was before and something definitely changed him. I wan't offended at all, just needed someone to hear what I and other people have gone through.

Permalink Reply by Nancy on June 9, 2010 at 1:36pm

Decemeber 10th year of our lord 2008 Bless us all nancy

Permalink Reply by whitney farnsworth on June 11, 2010 at 1:31am

my name is whitney, I have lost my mom on december 28th 2009 do to lupus. me and my mom were very close and did absoultly everything together and talked on the phone every day. the last time that i saw my mom was on december 23 2009 when she came down from prescott arizona to where i live in mesa arizona to go christmas shopping with me and my 2 year old daughter. she seemed fine, she was a little sore and we needed to rest a couple of times but other than that she was "my regular mom" laughing at everything my daughter was doing and talking to me non stop.. the day after she went home from seeing us and having a great time shopping and going to the park and then going out to dinner with me my daughter and my husband she was in the hospital again. it became more serious as she staying in the hospital and ended up in icu. the doctors kept telling me she would be fine she will be going home in a couple of days and everything will be okay again.. they lied.. my mother was in the hospital over christmas and i went on christmas morning to go and see her and told her merry christmas and that we loved her very much and that i couldnt wait for her to open her presents when she got home she would really love the present that i had gotten her. i remember a single tear rollder down her face when i told her that.. we went home and then on the morning of december 28th I had about 24 missed calls from my family members on my phone.. i wake up at 3am to work so i called my dad back to see what was wrong.. he had told me that my moms heart had stopped and she had passed away.. ever since that moment i have not been able to be okay.. i really do not know how to deal with my mom being gone.. i am so lost in my life now and nobody understands.. I am just wondering if anyone can give me some advise on how to move on and be okay again. all i do is cry and want to sleep my life away. everything reminds me of her and it makes it ten times more difficult to be awake and living my life.. i just dont know what to do anymore my heart feels so gone and empty

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on June 11, 2010 at 2:25am

Hi Whitney, I can feel the sadness and the depression in your note, as you start to make a live without MOM. I lost my mom, December 5th, and some days it gets easier, and other days are almost embarassing. I found myself doing a life review, I am assuming I am older then you. I think if you read some of my other blogs, or whatever, my story was long, and has affected me in so many different ways. By the way, I am a nurse, worked 27 years in the same hospital, and I know Lupus is a very strange disease. I have no clue how your mom was affected, but just from what I am hearing from you, is she was a very special lady.
I absolutely hate giving up anything or anyone I love. I was always the tough one, let me do this, or thats not a problem, because "caretaking" was a gift I received by God, and my mother nurtured it. Believe it or not, I have six sisters, and I look back at her life, she was so good and caring everyday. I wish in so many ways, I had the time to share with my mom a lot of one on one time, but with seven girls, she did the best she could, and I mean she did loved each and everyone of us.
I know that God knows us before we are ever put on this earth. I have found so much solace in prayers. Believe me, I see my family, friends and relatives almost not being aware that I need a little TLC, too.
I am so numb right now, and some days I feel I am moving forward with the grieving process, yet so many other days, I am so agree, hurt and depressed. I don't know where all these emotions are coming from, but I know one thing, I have a brand new respect for anyone who looses a parent.
I find I have written a lot, just to express frustrations and anger. But, my favorite way to be consoled has been through this legacy group. I have pretty much exhausted my husband, 3 sons, friends and neighbors. I am so ready to be me....I have never wanted a lot of attention, but I know for sure, it is so much easier to give support and kindness, and for me so tough for me to receive. On your down days, please share your sadness with people you love and trust...or if just being with nature, or love someone who may be experiencing the same feelings you have. I have opened up to strangers on this legacy support group, and even though they do not know me, their is a safety that you have a place to go, and we are all in the same boat. I hate to have such little time tonight to give you just the right words to comfort you, but please let your wise mind re-trace the gifts your mom shared with you, and try to express the same kindness to others. I hope you reply to this note, and I would love to share things that have helped me, and yet I cried tonight, just because of something my husband said. You are normal my dear friend, and I know you had love in your life. This pain is real, and very isolating. Think of it as a new journey, one you do not like the beginning of, but get involved with people your age who have lossed a parent, join a Lupus support group or a grief group, and promise me that when you feel you have to go through this process alone, you get right back on this site and share yur burdens and sorrows. I hope you have peace today, and trust that you have found a group here that will answer any questions you might have, offer support, love and kindness any time any where. Know we all care and nurture you through this tough stage of life. Be kind to yourself, and keep in touch...Belinda Rhodes

iwhitney farnsworth said:

my name is whitney, I have lost my mom on december 28th 2009 do to lupus. me and my mom were very close and did absoultly everything together and talked on the phone every day. the last time that i saw my mom was on december 23 2009 when she came down from prescott arizona to where i live in mesa arizona to go christmas shopping with me and my 2 year old daughter. she seemed fine, she was a little sore and we needed to rest a couple of times but other than that she was "my regular mom" laughing at everything my daughter was doing and talking to me non stop.. the day after she went home from seeing us and having a great time shopping and going to the park and then going out to dinner with me my daughter and my husband she was in the hospital again. it became more serious as she staying in the hospital and ended up in icu. the doctors kept telling me she would be fine she will be going home in a couple of days and everything will be okay again.. they lied.. my mother was in the hospital over christmas and i went on christmas morning to go and see her and told her merry christmas and that we loved her very much and that i couldnt wait for her to open her presents when she got home she would really love the present that i had gotten her. i remember a single tear rollder down her face when i told her that.. we went home and then on the morning of december 28th I had about 24 missed calls from my family members on my phone.. i wake up at 3am to work so i called my dad back to see what was wrong.. he had told me that my moms heart had stopped and she had passed away.. ever since that moment i have not been able to be okay.. i really do not know how to deal with my mom being gone.. i am so lost in my life now and nobody understands.. I am just wondering if anyone can give me some advise on how to move on and be okay again. all i do is cry and want to sleep my life away. everything reminds me of her and it makes it ten times more difficult to be awake and living my life.. i just dont know what to do anymore my heart feels so gone and empty

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on June 11, 2010 at 8:07am

Dear Whitney,
I feel your sorrow in your words and, like Belinda, can assure you so many of us have been there.
The pain you are feeling is very natural - although it will not seem that way for a long time. If there is anything you can take comfort in remember those wonderful happy hours you and your daughter shared with your mother just a short time before her passing. Know how happy your mother must haave been to have that time with the both of you.
I believe that our mothers never leave us, especially those of us who have had the privilege of sharing such close relationships with them. I have no doubt that your mother is aware of your pain and her spirit may be reaching out to you to let you know she is at peace, she is well and cares very much about how you will carry on.
Know too that your father is also grieving the loss of a lifelong partner. Men are funny about these matters; especially those of a certain age it seems. They may not show it on the surface but our fathers have also suffered a tremendous loss. Perhaps it might help for the two of you to talk about the happier memories you share. You may even find that your Dad will bring up some stories you were not aware of. Regardless of how many siblings you may have, you and your Dad need each other now more than ever.
I still cry over my mother's passing and a year ago was in your shoes as I struggled to undersand my pain. Other negative developments came into my life soon after my mother's death and it was a struggle to cope with everything...after months of trying I realised I needed professional help. I was told that I had allowed myself to slide into a deep depression and have slowly been climbing out of that, with help. The therapist also gave me an excellent idea which was to start a daily journal, like writing letters to my Mom each day, putting my pain onto paper and writing down memories that came to mind. Some days I would write only a few lines about how much I missed her, other days I would write paragraphs along the lines of our daily phone conversations. It has been very helpful in addressing my grief, and I continue to this day.

It also helped to spend more time with my father and brother, and it was a big help to reach out to friends who had also experienced the same loss. Those who have also lost their Mom truly know your grief.

As Belinda said, this sad time in your life is a journey almost everyone must go through. You need to allow yourself as much time as it takes -- and don't let anyone tell you that there is a limit on what you should feel or when.

My heart goes out to you and your sweet daughter, Whitney. May God guide you through this difficult time.

Yvonne

whitney farnsworth said:

my name is whitney, I have lost my mom on december 28th 2009 do to lupus. me and my mom were very close and did absoultly everything together and talked on the phone every day. the last time that i saw my mom was on december 23 2009 when she came down from prescott arizona to where i live in mesa arizona to go christmas shopping with me and my 2 year old daughter. she seemed fine, she was a little sore and we needed to rest a couple of times but other than that she was "my regular mom" laughing at everything my daughter was doing and talking to me non stop.. the day after she went home from seeing us and having a great time shopping and going to the park and then going out to dinner with me my daughter and my husband she was in the hospital again. it became more serious as she staying in the hospital and ended up in icu. the doctors kept telling me she would be fine she will be going home in a couple of days and everything will be okay again.. they lied.. my mother was in the hospital over christmas and i went on christmas morning to go and see her and told h

Permalink Reply by loree on June 15, 2010 at 11:50pm

This is not getting easier with time. I am grieving everyday. I keep worrying that there is something I did not say. I am 40 yearsold and I want to lie next to my mommy and hold her. It's time for me to go get professional help. I am a mess.

Permalink Reply by Melinda Contreras on June 21, 2010 at 3:16pm

Currently I'm greiving over my mom. She passed May 17, 2010 at 8:50 in the morning taking my sister to school in a car accident of which the car accident was a collision with a police officer. He was following a fire truck to a house fire, which turned out to be someone burning leaves in their back yard. My mom was only 55. I have young siblings who are 17 and 18. My father is absolutely devistated. With the injuries to her face we had to put a veil over her so she could have a open casket. I was very close to my mom, she was only 16 when she had me. I found out I was in the nursing program the week of her funeral. What was supposed to be a joyful moment was a very sad one, because my mom whould have been the first to call, but shes not here.

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on June 22, 2010 at 12:26pm

Melinda, I love your name!!!! I am Belinda, I will be 55 this August, and I have been a nurse since 1977. I have always loved nursing. I know or can feel what your saying when you can hardly get excited about being accepted in a nursing program. In honor of your mother, and in honor of her teaching you to care for others, I hope you do not pass this opportunity up. I can't say passing Nursing was the easiest thing I ever accomplished, I by far would say raising 3 male sons, was my most difficult challenge I ever encountered. My mom died December 2009, and I still grieve, cry, and have a hard time focusing at times, and until you loose a dearest love one, no one, can say I know how you feel.....but if your mom had the courage and strength to raise you when she was only 16, I know she raised a very special daughter. I do not know your family dynamics, but try to go to school. Perhaps talk to the school and go part time while you are going through this unexplained, unexpected loss of a mom, and I pray they will be strong enough to encourage you, and nuture you, to be a very successful Nurse. Let me know if I can help you...xoxo Belinda
Email me at carrugs@aol.com and in the Subject mention Melinda from Legacy! Take baby steps, and someday, your family I pray can support each other through this most difficult time!

Melinda Contreras said:

Currently I'm greiving over my mom. She passed May 17, 2010 at 8:50 in the morning taking my sister to school in a car accident of which the car accident was a collision with a police officer. He was following a fire truck to a house fire, which turned out to be someone burning leaves in their back yard. My mom was only 55. I have young siblings who are 17 and 18. My father is absolutely devistated. With the injuries to her face we had to put a veil over her so she could have a open casket. I was very close to my mom, she was only 16 when she had me. I found out I was in the nursing program the week of her funeral. What was supposed to be a joyful moment was a very sad one, because my mom whould have been the first to call, but shes not here.

Permalink Reply by Joni on June 30, 2010 at 11:26am

My mom died on Oct. 19, 2007. She was my best friend and we spent countless hours together, I took her on vacations, we had a very special bond. Since her passing I've literally died myself. I find it hard to find a purpose in my own life. I haven't friends to rely on and have only 1 sister left in my family who lives 1,000 miles away from me.

I am hoping to connect with others that are feeling this despair.

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