Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

 

 

 

 

 

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Replies to This Discussion

Thanks White Dove,
I understand what you are saying. He has been in therapy for 5 years and is still going to talk to him with the recent passing of ma. I see the same person he sees. I will talk to therapist about this on Wednesday. I agree with what you said. I know it will get better for us but it won't be the same.
Lori

(white dove) said:
Dear Lori, I am very sorry for your loss of your mama~ I felt compelled to write to you regarding your dad trying to date so soon. I met my ex 5 months after he lost his wife... and i can tell you this, there is always someone that will feel empathy, compassion.. and unfortunately there can also be a co-dependency and enabling situation that will come along. I know this from my own experience. I never had my ex's heart. As i look back, he just wanted background noise. Anything to fill the empty void in his Heart. He never saw me for who i was. And it was a disaster. He never sought any type of grievence help. 12 years later, he is still foundering horribly. Without me. I will never date another who lost their partner so soon or without therapy of some sort. So, if you can relay this to your dad, it may help anothers Heart from being broken. For your dad is in no shape or form ready to date till he deals with and heals his own grief. I understand your feelings on this subject also. Hopefully someone can talk some sense into him.
I hope you find just a tiny bit of peace during this Holiday season. This is my first also, without my mom and good friend. Nothing will be the same this year.... nothing.

Lori said:
Hi Everyone,

Like I mentioned before my mom passed away 23 days ago. I'm still trying to cope with that. I'm living at home because I resigned from work to take care of her. As I check my emails on the computer I see that my dad has signed up for jdate and match. He tells me that he misses her and is so upset. He also told me that my ma told him to not be alone. I can here her telling him that. I know he is terribly lonely. We have a great support system of friends who continually check in and ask what we are doing for the holidays etc. What I don't understand is why is he looking for someone so quickly. On December 2nd they would have been married for 42 years and would have known each other for 47. I know I have to come to terms with the fact that there will be another companion and I'm ok with that, however, seeing this and it being so soon is really upsetting to me. What should I do?
Lori
I don't know how to add on a reply without clicking onto anothers... But here we are, 3 days past Thanksgiving, and for me, it was very hard. The "first" in everything, i have found to be quite difficult. We went to our newly widowed friends house, and quite frankly, anywhere to NOT be alone in our grief~~ This ended up to be a not so good choice. 3 of her family members were sick with the lower GI flu!!!!!!! We should have ran right out the door! Well, my daughter caught it, and im holding it at bay for now. I'ts hell to feel orphaned! Missing my mom terribly. She was a huge part of every Holiday with us. Her absence is not to ever be filled..... My prayers go out to all on this site.

Lori said:
Thanks White Dove,
I understand what you are saying. He has been in therapy for 5 years and is still going to talk to him with the recent passing of ma. I see the same person he sees. I will talk to therapist about this on Wednesday. I agree with what you said. I know it will get better for us but it won't be the same.
Lori

(white dove) said:
Dear Lori, I am very sorry for your loss of your mama~ I felt compelled to write to you regarding your dad trying to date so soon. I met my ex 5 months after he lost his wife... and i can tell you this, there is always someone that will feel empathy, compassion.. and unfortunately there can also be a co-dependency and enabling situation that will come along. I know this from my own experience. I never had my ex's heart. As i look back, he just wanted background noise. Anything to fill the empty void in his Heart. He never saw me for who i was. And it was a disaster. He never sought any type of grievence help. 12 years later, he is still foundering horribly. Without me. I will never date another who lost their partner so soon or without therapy of some sort. So, if you can relay this to your dad, it may help anothers Heart from being broken. For your dad is in no shape or form ready to date till he deals with and heals his own grief. I understand your feelings on this subject also. Hopefully someone can talk some sense into him.
I hope you find just a tiny bit of peace during this Holiday season. This is my first also, without my mom and good friend. Nothing will be the same this year.... nothing.

Lori said:
Hi Everyone,

Like I mentioned before my mom passed away 23 days ago. I'm still trying to cope with that. I'm living at home because I resigned from work to take care of her. As I check my emails on the computer I see that my dad has signed up for jdate and match. He tells me that he misses her and is so upset. He also told me that my ma told him to not be alone. I can here her telling him that. I know he is terribly lonely. We have a great support system of friends who continually check in and ask what we are doing for the holidays etc. What I don't understand is why is he looking for someone so quickly. On December 2nd they would have been married for 42 years and would have known each other for 47. I know I have to come to terms with the fact that there will be another companion and I'm ok with that, however, seeing this and it being so soon is really upsetting to me. What should I do?
Lori
I lost my mother too. after takeing care of her 24-7 365 days a year for 6 years.
My brother died (who was my best freind) in the beginning of her illness.
my other brother is a RN and you know he never lifted a finger to help.
He thought he might slip a fast one on me by not letting her friends come and pay their last recpects but instead he avoided me and stole an Insurance policy from her home that she had for years. and tryed to cash it !
they caught him in the act and I have no money for the death certificate.
to give to the Insurance company.
so I look at it like what comes around goes around you will be fine cause god has a plan for you
may these words help you through your time of greif I am not over it yet eather and have to do a service for a buddy of mine on friday.
I will pray for you
god bless you
Kelly
I am sorry to hear of your loss, It is very difficult when we care for our moms 24-7 till they leave us. Feels like we are now slacking in our duties and job!! There is a huge void that is open and for me depression came knocking. Hate it and am fighting it. there is much talk on "first Holidays" after losing our loved ones, and i can say i STILL can't balance my check book properly!! I used to be right on.. and now am still scrambled. During this time of grief for us, i am wondering why others aren't voicing their feelings. Possibly too painful? I just know for me, Thanksgiving was a horrible time and Christmas will be very sad also. I used to cook, bake, run all the errands, now i'm lucky to grocery shop once a month! Please if anyone else is feeling this way too, i'd like to hear from you.
Thanks, Prayers for all, and let's stick together in our grief.

Rev,Kelly O'Dell said:
I lost my mother too. after takeing care of her 24-7 365 days a year for 6 years.
My brother died (who was my best freind) in the beginning of her illness.
my other brother is a RN and you know he never lifted a finger to help.
He thought he might slip a fast one on me by not letting her friends come and pay their last recpects but instead he avoided me and stole an Insurance policy from her home that she had for years. and tryed to cash it !
they caught him in the act and I have no money for the death certificate.
to give to the Insurance company.
so I look at it like what comes around goes around you will be fine cause god has a plan for you
may these words help you through your time of greif I am not over it yet eather and have to do a service for a buddy of mine on friday.
I will pray for you
god bless you
Kelly
My mom was never sick a day in her life until Sept. 27, 2009 when she could not walk on her right foot due to pain and swelling. The fluid from the ankle was drained and found to be septic. The doctors tried to figure out where this stemmed from. They did find that she had endocarditis and a vegetation on the mitral valve of her heart. Endocarditis can be cause by getting one's teeth pulled, which my mom had done back in April/May of this year. No antibiotics were given to her during that time.
As my mom laid in the hospital she developed pneumonia and went through a battery of testing. She coded one evening and was brought back and was on a ventilator for a day and a half. Once the ventilator was removed my mom said she did not want to live like that (on a vent) and my sisters and myself promised her that she would not be put on a vent again.
Through all the tests her gallbladder was found not to be functioning and her kidney's were failing. The doctors were more concerned about the vegetation on the mitral valve which was causing the valve to leak. The doctors did not feel comfortable operating on my mom so they transferred to a different hospital where there are cardiac specialists.
My mom did have open heart surgery and the valve was replaced, the doctor who performed the surgery called her "his miracle patient." He really didn't feel she would make it through surgery, but she did. She is fiesty and a fighter. She would get better for a couple of days and then slip back two steps, she could never get a hold and get back to where she was strong. During this entire period her kidneys were still failing. She was started on dialysis with little to no success.
Her body had been through so much and she just could not fight any more. She passed away early on Tuesday morning, Nov. 24, 2009. I sat with her for almost an hour after her passing and I prayed for her. She was 78 years old. I will always miss her terribly and her memory will be eternal.
It is often said that time heals all wounds but at this moment it doesn't feel like the hurt and sadness will ever lighten up. My heart is broken and a whole is left there where she is supposed to be. I know in time (however long that may be) the whole in my heart will be filled with all the memories of her and that my tears will not fall as often as they are now.
May God bless everyone who has ever lost a parent, each day I am grateful that I was honored to call her Mom.
Welcome Karen, I don't know if u may be new?? Many Blessings to u in your and all of our Journey's in grief. I was just thinking, I had my mom in my life for 52 and a half years... not alot of years till I see her again. It was 7 months ago on the 30th of Nov that my mom passed. And it seems that when Heaven wants them home, nothing we do here can keep them with us~ As some say, passing is or can be as difficult as being born. And i can tell u that my mom spoke of my Birth yearly as one of the most difficult days in her life!! Bless her Heart. I pray nightly for all here that we may some day have a little peace.

Karen Daschner said:
My mom was never sick a day in her life until Sept. 27, 2009 when she could not walk on her right foot due to pain and swelling. The fluid from the ankle was drained and found to be septic. The doctors tried to figure out where this stemmed from. They did find that she had endocarditis and a vegetation on the mitral valve of her heart. Endocarditis can be cause by getting one's teeth pulled, which my mom had done back in April/May of this year. No antibiotics were given to her during that time.
As my mom laid in the hospital she developed pneumonia and went through a battery of testing. She coded one evening and was brought back and was on a ventilator for a day and a half. Once the ventilator was removed my mom said she did not want to live like that (on a vent) and my sisters and myself promised her that she would not be put on a vent again.
Through all the tests her gallbladder was found not to be functioning and her kidney's were failing. The doctors were more concerned about the vegetation on the mitral valve which was causing the valve to leak. The doctors did not feel comfortable operating on my mom so they transferred to a different hospital where there are cardiac specialists.
My mom did have open heart surgery and the valve was replaced, the doctor who performed the surgery called her "his miracle patient." He really didn't feel she would make it through surgery, but she did. She is fiesty and a fighter. She would get better for a couple of days and then slip back two steps, she could never get a hold and get back to where she was strong. During this entire period her kidneys were still failing. She was started on dialysis with little to no success.
Her body had been through so much and she just could not fight any more. She passed away early on Tuesday morning, Nov. 24, 2009. I sat with her for almost an hour after her passing and I prayed for her. She was 78 years old. I will always miss her terribly and her memory will be eternal.
It is often said that time heals all wounds but at this moment it doesn't feel like the hurt and sadness will ever lighten up. My heart is broken and a whole is left there where she is supposed to be. I know in time (however long that may be) the whole in my heart will be filled with all the memories of her and that my tears will not fall as often as they are now.
May God bless everyone who has ever lost a parent, each day I am grateful that I was honored to call her Mom.
So many of us seem to be sharing the same depth of feeling on coping with the loss of our mothers. I am now wondering if anyone has found a magic formula for getting through the first Christmas without the person who was such an integral part of our Christmas for all of my life. My mom loved Christmas and would spend months baking special treats, planning how she would decorate the doors and windows of our home, contemplating what colours she would use on the tree, what treats she would give to the Drs and staff who she had visited and, while her health permitted, planning on a special Christmas Eve gathering with friends or attending a special candlelight service at the church. She loved all aspects of Christmas and a year ago when she lay in hospital,one of her regular questions of me was "Have you got all our baking done yet?"
I will admit that last Christmas was probably the saddest time of my life for it was then that the hospital staff infomed us Mom would never be able to come home to live again; if she left the hospital at all. And all of this information was coming at us while a volunteer musician was performing "I'll be Home for Christmas". So, this year, I contacted that hospital and explained how that particular song was especially painful for all those who would be confined to hospital through the holidays and their families as well. The hospital has since written me to confirm that future musicians will be advise to remove that song from their repertoire. At least some families will be spared that taunting theme while they are visiting a critically ill family member.
But back to my original question -- how does one get through that first Christmas without the person who was the centre of all of their Christmasses growing up? I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and forget this time has come...but I have a brother and father expecting me to be strong and somehow make Christmas special for them. And amidst all of these mixed up feelings I find myself thinking of all the extra minutes I might have found to be at Mom's side last Christmas; moments I will never have again. I just have no idea how to get through this "festive season" when there is such a huge hole in my heart, in my life.
Dear Yvonne: I had to step away for a bit after reading your thoughts :( It has become very tough for us also this Christmas season. A friend asked, "do you have all your Christmas stuff done"? I had to remind her this is my FIRST Christmas without my dear mom. I struggled to just get my little artificial tree up.. and i stopped at putting the lights on. There will be no baking, shopping, presents, cards sent etc etc. I just don't have it "in me". I was remembering last year at this time... my mom still had enough strength to make her famous cherry chocolate drop cookies (knowing these were MY favorites), and she baked goodies for her doctors office girls too! NEVER did i think, this was to be our last Christmas together!!!!!!! I also have feelings of guilt. For it was last year, after searching for years.. that we found my daughters half siblings, and they all were united in our home on Christmas day. So most of my work, and energy revolved around this special occation. I begged my sister to spend the day with my mom.. which she did for half of it and left... leaving my mom alone... without telling me. My mom lived in an apartment right behind us. I took all the kids over for her to meet, and the happiness in her eyes that day i will never forget for it was all for my daughter. She was content but still...... So in answer to the "magic" to help us all, I find myself living minute to minute now. It used to be month to month. This is now day 5 of crying. The only thing i have done is accept my memories when they come, and acknowledge it was a very difficult, heartwrenching time.. and then try to bring a positive memory in. However, i find all the "firsts" without my mom are very painful and i struggle daily. Wishing i knew.. my mom was going to leave us.... wishing i had spent more time with HER instead of the new found kids... Wishing i was more tolerant and patient when my mom went through an extreme anxiety/restlessness period before she left (24-7)... wishing wishing........And most of all: Wishing she were here right now!!!
Dear Mom: WE miss you dearly, and so wish you were still here, and i am sorry i just can't bring myself to make your famous recipes this year hopefully this will get a little better with some time. But I want to thank you for your sweet little reminders that you are still with us in our Hearts and definately in spirit! We love the flowers you are still making bloom on our hybiscus tree, even tho it hasn't seen any light since summer... and thank u for sending the red cardinals to our front yard all reminders that you are free......but i still cry for me.....

Yvonne said:
So many of us seem to be sharing the same depth of feeling on coping with the loss of our mothers. I am now wondering if anyone has found a magic formula for getting through the first Christmas without the person who was such an integral part of our Christmas for all of my life. My mom loved Christmas and would spend months baking special treats, planning how she would decorate the doors and windows of our home, contemplating what colours she would use on the tree, what treats she would give to the Drs and staff who she had visited and, while her health permitted, planning on a special Christmas Eve gathering with friends or attending a special candlelight service at the church. She loved all aspects of Christmas and a year ago when she lay in hospital,one of her regular questions of me was "Have you got all our baking done yet?"
I will admit that last Christmas was probably the saddest time of my life for it was then that the hospital staff infomed us Mom would never be able to come home to live again; if she left the hospital at all. And all of this information was coming at us while a volunteer musician was performing "I'll be Home for Christmas". So, this year, I contacted that hospital and explained how that particular song was especially painful for all those who would be confined to hospital through the holidays and their families as well. The hospital has since written me to confirm that future musicians will be advise to remove that song from their repertoire. At least some families will be spared that taunting theme while they are visiting a critically ill family member.
But back to my original question -- how does one get through that first Christmas without the person who was the centre of all of their Christmasses growing up? I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and forget this time has come...but I have a brother and father expecting me to be strong and somehow make Christmas special for them. And amidst all of these mixed up feelings I find myself thinking of all the extra minutes I might have found to be at Mom's side last Christmas; moments I will never have again. I just have no idea how to get through this "festive season" when there is such a huge hole in my heart, in my life.
I too am spending my first Christmas without my mom and I miss her so much. She and I were best friends and so incredibly close we knew each other like a book. I am very busy at school (I am a first grade teacher) which keeps my mind occupied. Working with kids really helps me to feel better. I decided to send out cards this year in her memory. She loved cardinals and everyone wondered what kind of cardinal card she would send each year so this year I chose a beautiful cardinal card to send. I am sure people will think of her when they get it. My husband and sons also decorated spruce tips at the cemetery for her with cardinals. We have an 8 month old grandson who has been an incredible comfort to me since she died in September. But it will be a tough Christmas without her here. I too feel a big hole in my life without her and wish I could say "I love you" one more time. I miss and love you mom, with all my heart.

(white dove) said:
Dear Yvonne: I had to step away for a bit after reading your thoughts :( It has become very tough for us also this Christmas season. A friend asked, "do you have all your Christmas stuff done"? I had to remind her this is my FIRST Christmas without my dear mom. I struggled to just get my little artificial tree up.. and i stopped at putting the lights on. There will be no baking, shopping, presents, cards sent etc etc. I just don't have it "in me". I was remembering last year at this time... my mom still had enough strength to make her famous cherry chocolate drop cookies (knowing these were MY favorites), and she baked goodies for her doctors office girls too! NEVER did i think, this was to be our last Christmas together!!!!!!! I also have feelings of guilt. For it was last year, after searching for years.. that we found my daughters half siblings, and they all were united in our home on Christmas day. So most of my work, and energy revolved around this special occation. I begged my sister to spend the day with my mom.. which she did for half of it and left... leaving my mom alone... without telling me. My mom lived in an apartment right behind us. I took all the kids over for her to meet, and the happiness in her eyes that day i will never forget for it was all for my daughter. She was content but still...... So in answer to the "magic" to help us all, I find myself living minute to minute now. It used to be month to month. This is now day 5 of crying. The only thing i have done is accept my memories when they come, and acknowledge it was a very difficult, heartwrenching time.. and then try to bring a positive memory in. However, i find all the "firsts" without my mom are very painful and i struggle daily. Wishing i knew.. my mom was going to leave us.... wishing i had spent more time with HER instead of the new found kids... Wishing i was more tolerant and patient when my mom went through an extreme anxiety/restlessness period before she left (24-7)... wishing wishing........And most of all: Wishing she were here right now!!!
Dear Mom: WE miss you dearly, and so wish you were still here, and i am sorry i just can't bring myself to make your famous recipes this year hopefully this will get a little better with some time. But I want to thank you for your sweet little reminders that you are still with us in our Hearts and definately in spirit! We love the flowers you are still making bloom on our hybiscus tree, even tho it hasn't seen any light since summer... and thank u for sending the red cardinals to our front yard all reminders that you are free......but i still cry for me.....

Yvonne said:
So many of us seem to be sharing the same depth of feeling on coping with the loss of our mothers. I am now wondering if anyone has found a magic formula for getting through the first Christmas without the person who was such an integral part of our Christmas for all of my life. My mom loved Christmas and would spend months baking special treats, planning how she would decorate the doors and windows of our home, contemplating what colours she would use on the tree, what treats she would give to the Drs and staff who she had visited and, while her health permitted, planning on a special Christmas Eve gathering with friends or attending a special candlelight service at the church. She loved all aspects of Christmas and a year ago when she lay in hospital,one of her regular questions of me was "Have you got all our baking done yet?"
I will admit that last Christmas was probably the saddest time of my life for it was then that the hospital staff infomed us Mom would never be able to come home to live again; if she left the hospital at all. And all of this information was coming at us while a volunteer musician was performing "I'll be Home for Christmas". So, this year, I contacted that hospital and explained how that particular song was especially painful for all those who would be confined to hospital through the holidays and their families as well. The hospital has since written me to confirm that future musicians will be advise to remove that song from their repertoire. At least some families will be spared that taunting theme while they are visiting a critically ill family member.
But back to my original question -- how does one get through that first Christmas without the person who was the centre of all of their Christmasses growing up? I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and forget this time has come...but I have a brother and father expecting me to be strong and somehow make Christmas special for them. And amidst all of these mixed up feelings I find myself thinking of all the extra minutes I might have found to be at Mom's side last Christmas; moments I will never have again. I just have no idea how to get through this "festive season" when there is such a huge hole in my heart, in my life.
I can definitely empathize with you. I lost my mother when I was sixteen years old. She died of breast cancer. Her death was sudden and shocking because I was unaware that she was that sick. My parents thought it would be better if my brother and I didn't know how bad it really was since we were so young. They didn't want us to worry. I had an opportunity to say goodbye and I didn't take it. I wish I had taken the opportunity to say goodbye when I left for school that morning but I just didn't know things were that bad. I was being a typical teenager. I was upset about something and stormed out of the house. I know what it's like to go through that first Christmas. My mom loved Christmas too. It's like a part of you is missing. You look around expecting to see her but she never appears. It's been ten years since she died. I wish I could say there's a magic formula for getting through but if there is I haven't found it. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds but things do get better. There are still times when I get sad or depressed when I see something that reminds me of her: an old picture, something she wrote, etc. Most of my memories of her now are happy ones. Just take it one day at a time. Unfortnately, recovering from something like this is not linear.

Janet said:
I too am spending my first Christmas without my mom and I miss her so much. She and I were best friends and so incredibly close we knew each other like a book. I am very busy at school (I am a first grade teacher) which keeps my mind occupied. Working with kids really helps me to feel better. I decided to send out cards this year in her memory. She loved cardinals and everyone wondered what kind of cardinal card she would send each year so this year I chose a beautiful cardinal card to send. I am sure people will think of her when they get it. My husband and sons also decorated spruce tips at the cemetery for her with cardinals. We have an 8 month old grandson who has been an incredible comfort to me since she died in September. But it will be a tough Christmas without her here. I too feel a big hole in my life without her and wish I could say "I love you" one more time. I miss and love you mom, with all my heart.

(white dove) said:
Dear Yvonne: I had to step away for a bit after reading your thoughts :( It has become very tough for us also this Christmas season. A friend asked, "do you have all your Christmas stuff done"? I had to remind her this is my FIRST Christmas without my dear mom. I struggled to just get my little artificial tree up.. and i stopped at putting the lights on. There will be no baking, shopping, presents, cards sent etc etc. I just don't have it "in me". I was remembering last year at this time... my mom still had enough strength to make her famous cherry chocolate drop cookies (knowing these were MY favorites), and she baked goodies for her doctors office girls too! NEVER did i think, this was to be our last Christmas together!!!!!!! I also have feelings of guilt. For it was last year, after searching for years.. that we found my daughters half siblings, and they all were united in our home on Christmas day. So most of my work, and energy revolved around this special occation. I begged my sister to spend the day with my mom.. which she did for half of it and left... leaving my mom alone... without telling me. My mom lived in an apartment right behind us. I took all the kids over for her to meet, and the happiness in her eyes that day i will never forget for it was all for my daughter. She was content but still...... So in answer to the "magic" to help us all, I find myself living minute to minute now. It used to be month to month. This is now day 5 of crying. The only thing i have done is accept my memories when they come, and acknowledge it was a very difficult, heartwrenching time.. and then try to bring a positive memory in. However, i find all the "firsts" without my mom are very painful and i struggle daily. Wishing i knew.. my mom was going to leave us.... wishing i had spent more time with HER instead of the new found kids... Wishing i was more tolerant and patient when my mom went through an extreme anxiety/restlessness period before she left (24-7)... wishing wishing........And most of all: Wishing she were here right now!!!
Dear Mom: WE miss you dearly, and so wish you were still here, and i am sorry i just can't bring myself to make your famous recipes this year hopefully this will get a little better with some time. But I want to thank you for your sweet little reminders that you are still with us in our Hearts and definately in spirit! We love the flowers you are still making bloom on our hybiscus tree, even tho it hasn't seen any light since summer... and thank u for sending the red cardinals to our front yard all reminders that you are free......but i still cry for me.....

Yvonne said:
So many of us seem to be sharing the same depth of feeling on coping with the loss of our mothers. I am now wondering if anyone has found a magic formula for getting through the first Christmas without the person who was such an integral part of our Christmas for all of my life. My mom loved Christmas and would spend months baking special treats, planning how she would decorate the doors and windows of our home, contemplating what colours she would use on the tree, what treats she would give to the Drs and staff who she had visited and, while her health permitted, planning on a special Christmas Eve gathering with friends or attending a special candlelight service at the church. She loved all aspects of Christmas and a year ago when she lay in hospital,one of her regular questions of me was "Have you got all our baking done yet?"
I will admit that last Christmas was probably the saddest time of my life for it was then that the hospital staff infomed us Mom would never be able to come home to live again; if she left the hospital at all. And all of this information was coming at us while a volunteer musician was performing "I'll be Home for Christmas". So, this year, I contacted that hospital and explained how that particular song was especially painful for all those who would be confined to hospital through the holidays and their families as well. The hospital has since written me to confirm that future musicians will be advise to remove that song from their repertoire. At least some families will be spared that taunting theme while they are visiting a critically ill family member.
But back to my original question -- how does one get through that first Christmas without the person who was the centre of all of their Christmasses growing up? I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and forget this time has come...but I have a brother and father expecting me to be strong and somehow make Christmas special for them. And amidst all of these mixed up feelings I find myself thinking of all the extra minutes I might have found to be at Mom's side last Christmas; moments I will never have again. I just have no idea how to get through this "festive season" when there is such a huge hole in my heart, in my life.
Michael said:
I can definitely empathize with you. I lost my mother when I was sixteen years old. She died of breast cancer. Her death was sudden and shocking because I was unaware that she was that sick. My parents thought it would be better if my brother and I didn't know how bad it really was since we were so young. They didn't want us to worry. I had an opportunity to say goodbye and I didn't take it. I wish I had taken the opportunity to say goodbye when I left for school that morning but I just didn't know things were that bad. I was being a typical teenager. I was upset about something and stormed out of the house. I know what it's like to go through that first Christmas. My mom loved Christmas too. It's like a part of you is missing. You look around expecting to see her but she never appears. It's been ten years since she died. I wish I could say there's a magic formula for getting through but if there is I haven't found it. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds but things do get better. There are still times when I get sad or depressed when I see something that reminds me of her: an old picture, something she wrote, etc. Most of my memories of her now are happy ones. Just take it one day at a time. Unfortnately, recovering from something like this is not linear.

Janet said:
I too am spending my first Christmas without my mom and I miss her so much. She and I were best friends and so incredibly close we knew each other like a book. I am very busy at school (I am a first grade teacher) which keeps my mind occupied. Working with kids really helps me to feel better. I decided to send out cards this year in her memory. She loved cardinals and everyone wondered what kind of cardinal card she would send each year so this year I chose a beautiful cardinal card to send. I am sure people will think of her when they get it. My husband and sons also decorated spruce tips at the cemetery for her with cardinals. We have an 8 month old grandson who has been an incredible comfort to me since she died in September. But it will be a tough Christmas without her here. I too feel a big hole in my life without her and wish I could say "I love you" one more time. I miss and love you mom, with all my heart.

(white dove) said:
Dear Yvonne: I had to step away for a bit after reading your thoughts :( It has become very tough for us also this Christmas season. A friend asked, "do you have all your Christmas stuff done"? I had to remind her this is my FIRST Christmas without my dear mom. I struggled to just get my little artificial tree up.. and i stopped at putting the lights on. There will be no baking, shopping, presents, cards sent etc etc. I just don't have it "in me". I was remembering last year at this time... my mom still had enough strength to make her famous cherry chocolate drop cookies (knowing these were MY favorites), and she baked goodies for her doctors office girls too! NEVER did i think, this was to be our last Christmas together!!!!!!! I also have feelings of guilt. For it was last year, after searching for years.. that we found my daughters half siblings, and they all were united in our home on Christmas day. So most of my work, and energy revolved around this special occation. I begged my sister to spend the day with my mom.. which she did for half of it and left... leaving my mom alone... without telling me. My mom lived in an apartment right behind us. I took all the kids over for her to meet, and the happiness in her eyes that day i will never forget for it was all for my daughter. She was content but still...... So in answer to the "magic" to help us all, I find myself living minute to minute now. It used to be month to month. This is now day 5 of crying. The only thing i have done is accept my memories when they come, and acknowledge it was a very difficult, heartwrenching time.. and then try to bring a positive memory in. However, i find all the "firsts" without my mom are very painful and i struggle daily. Wishing i knew.. my mom was going to leave us.... wishing i had spent more time with HER instead of the new found kids... Wishing i was more tolerant and patient when my mom went through an extreme anxiety/restlessness period before she left (24-7)... wishing wishing........And most of all: Wishing she were here right now!!!
Dear Mom: WE miss you dearly, and so wish you were still here, and i am sorry i just can't bring myself to make your famous recipes this year hopefully this will get a little better with some time. But I want to thank you for your sweet little reminders that you are still with us in our Hearts and definately in spirit! We love the flowers you are still making bloom on our hybiscus tree, even tho it hasn't seen any light since summer... and thank u for sending the red cardinals to our front yard all reminders that you are free......but i still cry for me.....

Yvonne said:
So many of us seem to be sharing the same depth of feeling on coping with the loss of our mothers. I am now wondering if anyone has found a magic formula for getting through the first Christmas without the person who was such an integral part of our Christmas for all of my life. My mom loved Christmas and would spend months baking special treats, planning how she would decorate the doors and windows of our home, contemplating what colours she would use on the tree, what treats she would give to the Drs and staff who she had visited and, while her health permitted, planning on a special Christmas Eve gathering with friends or attending a special candlelight service at the church. She loved all aspects of Christmas and a year ago when she lay in hospital,one of her regular questions of me was "Have you got all our baking done yet?"
I will admit that last Christmas was probably the saddest time of my life for it was then that the hospital staff infomed us Mom would never be able to come home to live again; if she left the hospital at all. And all of this information was coming at us while a volunteer musician was performing "I'll be Home for Christmas". So, this year, I contacted that hospital and explained how that particular song was especially painful for all those who would be confined to hospital through the holidays and their families as well. The hospital has since written me to confirm that future musicians will be advise to remove that song from their repertoire. At least some families will be spared that taunting theme while they are visiting a critically ill family member.
But back to my original question -- how does one get through that first Christmas without the person who was the centre of all of their Christmasses growing up? I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and forget this time has come...but I have a brother and father expecting me to be strong and somehow make Christmas special for them. And amidst all of these mixed up feelings I find myself thinking of all the extra minutes I might have found to be at Mom's side last Christmas; moments I will never have again. I just have no idea how to get through this "festive season" when there is such a huge hole in my heart, in my life.
ia thanm so sad wen i think how so many have to greave is one of the most powerful pains to me it was and is avery sad and emty feeling i do have a sister in germany that is trying to help but she tells me well you need to led go i do not like wen ppl say that is our mom how and why to let go also i do not like that pain i do not want toever let go of my beloved mom i hope this does not sound to dumb but she was and is my best friend i could not go home to say good beyso i was on the fone fore 4 weeks while she was in a coma i did not sleep or eat i yust called the poor nurse to let me talk to mom untill i told my beloved mom you can let go mamma i allwais love you thank you all for letting me tell my storry

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