Missing Mom

Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

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Permalink Reply by tami walsh on March 20, 2010 at 11:00am

I lost my mother in law on Dec 10, 2009. She had a very long productive life and the family all expected to pass, so it wasn't a suprise. Less then 3 weeks later, my mother called to tell me she was going on a trip over the christmas holidays to see an old friend and wasn't quite sure when she was coming back. Well, she'd been gone almost a week when I got a phone call from a town called "Rawlins" Wyoming asking my permission to have my mom airlifted to a regional medical ctr. in Casper, WY. I'd never been to Wyoming and I'd never left my husband, children or grandchildren at christmastime before. You see, my mom was doin' o.k. healthwise before she left on her trip. When she was found, it was at her friends house, on the bathroom floor unresponsive, barely breathing. She was flown to Casper, I flew to her (1st time on plane by myself) and found her in the ICU on a ventilator. The Dr's. filled me in as best they could, they said she was brought in unresponsive, blood sugar 26, body temp 94, and they don't know how any of it happened. I spent the next week with my mom, who could not respond to verbal command, who was struggling so hard to breathe. She finally got out of ICU four days later and I was becoming very optimistic. She would respond when I called "mom" and I would tell her over and over she was safe and not alone. When I told her "if I could take this pain away from you I would" I didn't know those would be the last words I would say to her. I know she heard me, she squeezed my hand so hard and I took it as a sign she was getting better. Less then an hour after, her breathing became so labored and her oxygen level dropped so much, I called for help, told her a bunch of people were coming to help and then a code blue was called. I sat in the hall by myself, patiently waitiing for the Dr. to come back and say "o.k." she's stable now. Instead, I got to hear, "she was so sick, her lungs were horrible, we've done everything we can it's time to let her go. I guess when I wished that I could take her pain away that God answered "no child, you've done enough, I'll take over now."

tami walsh said:

Tracy Shiffer said:
I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on March 20, 2010 at 5:51pm

Tami,
Thanks for taking the time to read my issues, and affirm no matter the age you are working on a journey that takes time and support.
Belinda

Permalink Reply by Jan on March 21, 2010 at 10:06am

How to cope? I suggest one day at a time. Mom died in August and while we all miss her it was more difficult for the sister who lives out of town. Moves are difficult for everyone, and in your situation your move alone was stressful, your dad likely has been stressed not only by the loss of you mom, but his move also. He probably is taking out on you his upset feelings about all of the changes. He may need time. Multiple losses such as you have experienced complicate the grief process. Knowing this and recognizing that there is a need to allow yourself time to work through the process of grieving may help. I'm sorry for your losses

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on March 22, 2010 at 8:57pm

Jan said:

How to cope? I suggest one day at a time. Mom died in August and while we all miss her it was more difficult for the sister who lives out of town. Moves are difficult for everyone, and in your situation your move alone was stressful, your dad likely has been stressed not only by the loss of you mom, but his move also. He probably is taking out on you his upset feelings about all of the changes. He may need time. Multiple losses such as you have experienced complicate the grief process. Knowing this and recognizing that there is a need to allow yourself time to work through the process of grieving may help. I'm sorry for your losses

Permalink Reply by white dove on March 22, 2010 at 9:16pm

Could there be a bug or virus in this site? conversations in double.... strange. Is there someone who could check this?

Belinda Rhodes said:

Jan said:
How to cope? I suggest one day at a time. Mom died in August and while we all miss her it was more difficult for the sister who lives out of town. Moves are difficult for everyone, and in your situation your move alone was stressful, your dad likely has been stressed not only by the loss of you mom, but his move also. He probably is taking out on you his upset feelings about all of the changes. He may need time. Multiple losses such as you have experienced complicate the grief process. Knowing this and recognizing that there is a need to allow yourself time to work through the process of grieving may help. I'm sorry for your losses

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on March 22, 2010 at 9:23pm

(white dove) said:

Could there be a bug or virus in this site? conversations in double.... strange. Is there someone who could check this?

Belinda Rhodes said:
Jan said:
How to cope? I suggest one day at a time. Mom died in August and while we all miss her it was more difficult for the sister who lives out of town. Moves are difficult for everyone, and in your situation your move alone was stressful, your dad likely has been stressed not only by the loss of you mom, but his move also. He probably is taking out on you his upset feelings about all of the changes. He may need time. Multiple losses such as you have experienced complicate the grief process. Knowing this and recognizing that there is a need to allow yourself time to work through the process of grieving may help. I'm sorry for your losses

Permalink Reply by Bobbi on March 22, 2010 at 11:26pm

My mother passed away on Mother's day, May 10, 2009 just five days after her 80th birthday. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's for many years and at the end she was suffering so badly. Two days before she passed, the Good Lord gave her her facilities so when one of her children came into her room, she could open her eyes and look at us, reach up and give us a kiss. That was much more than I expected after having watched her not know any of us for so long. I will miss her till the day I die but even if I could, I would not wish her back here in the state she was in for any amount of money. She was a good Christian lady and tho I wouldn't bring her back, I know we will meet again..... God be with all of you who no longer have your mother with you....Bobbi

Permalink Reply by Bobbi on March 22, 2010 at 11:31pm

tami walsh said:

Tracy Shiffer said:
I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Bobbi on March 22, 2010 at 11:41pm

I"m sorry if I am not using this site properly. I am so sorry about your many losses. You had so many things happen at one time and are overwhelmed. I don't know what caused the divorce but you did what you thought was best for your Dad at that time. I hope by this time he has gotten to the place where he understands that and welcomes you back with open arms. Grief does different things to different people. When Daddy died in 1992, Mama started staying up late at night. When I came in to visit for awhile with her, I'd catch her looking at a photo albumn someone had given her. In the albumn were pictures of her standing at Daddy's grave. No matter where I'd hide it, she would always find the albumn. I still say that these photos were what started her down the path to Alzheimer's. She passed this past Mother's Day 2009 just five days after her 80th birthday. I pray your Dad will soon reach out to you again in love and understanding.... Lovingly, Bobbi
***********************************

I lost my mom on Christmas Eve 2008. She had gone in for an operation on 12/2 and we were visiting. Everything was fine and we left on the 7th. By the 17th she was back in the hospital and on the 23rd we left to go see her - by the time we got there she was on life support - I had to make the gut wrenching decision to disconnect her. My dad was inconsolable. I stayed for another week, came home for a couple of days and went back for another week. I am an only child so he was relying on me heavily. I found him a place to buy here in Illinois, set up the moving company, got everything arranged and got him moved. When he got to Illinois I was in the middle of moving due to a divorce and wasn't able to help out all the much - there was other family helping though. Within 1 week of moving here I had been disowned and told not to come back. So within 4 months time I had lost my mother, my husband and my dad. Also 4 years ago I lost my best friend to cancer - it was a long 4 year struggle.

Can anyone tell me how I am supposed to cope with all this loss? I have lost all my support and don't know where to turn or who to talk to.

Permalink Reply by white dove on March 23, 2010 at 10:13am

Dear Bobbi, Alzheimers is a wicked disease.. my mom started down this path also. I feel in my heart, they are whole now and of total clear mind, and also knowing they would never want to be in that state again.. i understand your feelings on this...it can be a long journey home for some.. and very painful for us to live through also, while giving our undivided love and attention. Blessings to you and for all of us, that we may find some of (us) even if in tiny bits, through our grief. I know my mom still comes to me in times of sorrow and life's difficult times.. but i also know i don't want to stop her indescribable, beautiful journey home either... (she came awake from a coma after the first 24 hrs and said, "you will never belive..... you will never believe....) And so i must believe!

Bobbi said:

My mother passed away on Mother's day, May 10, 2009 just five days after her 80th birthday. She had been suffering from Alzheimer's for many years and at the end she was suffering so badly. Two days before she passed, the Good Lord gave her her facilities so when one of her children came into her room, she could open her eyes and look at us, reach up and give us a kiss. That was much more than I expected after having watched her not know any of us for so long. I will miss her till the day I die but even if I could, I would not wish her back here in the state she was in for any amount of money. She was a good Christian lady and tho I wouldn't bring her back, I know we will meet again..... God be with all of you who no longer have your mother with you....Bobbi

Permalink Reply by Lori on March 23, 2010 at 10:53am

Sunday would have been my mom's 66th birthday. It was so emotional. First we all gathered at my parents house, my dad, myself, my boyfriend, my brother, sister in law and nephew. My sis in law and 5 year old nephew stayed at the house. The rest of us drove to the cemetery and went to the office. We looked at the marker to make sure it was ok. When we went into the room and saw it I took a quick look and buried my face in my boyfriend's chest. Then we drove out to find the grave. It had just snowed so there was a thin blanket of snow on the ground. We couldn't find the temporary marker and I was getting upset, so we went back into the office to ask them again. Come to find out we were at the correct spot. We moved more snow away and found the temporary marker.

We had brought small bottles of Baily's my mom's favorite drink and we all took a small sip and poured the rest on her grave and we left the bottles there. Then we went home. We went out to eat at a favorite lunch place and my dad got my mom's favorite food. Then we went home and he took a nap. My bro, sis in law and nephew went to a baby shower and my boyfriend and I watched tv.

About 3:00 a red cardinal flew into the patio door and shook his little head. I turned to my boyfriend and said that was mom telling us she saw what we did. Every spring there is a cardinal that she named Calvin that flies into the patio door several times a day. Calvin only banged into it once and I haven't seen him the last few days.

Everyone says the first time is so hard. I never imagined that it was this hard. Everyone also says that it will get better. I really hope it does.

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on March 23, 2010 at 11:42am

Dear White Dove, I do not think there is a virus, I am just not getting the hang of where to add the reply, and then I don't know, they say I have fifteen minutes to edit, and before I know it, I have sent two replies. I believe it is an Belinda operator error.
I do know about faith. My mom loved the catholic faith, and she went to mass daily, not to mention, when she could not drive my dad would take her. The last two years, two wonderful neighbors brought her communion every day they could.
Yes Alzheimers is such a mystery to all of us. I have studied it like a mad lady, and despite all odds, the experts say that there is no way until a biopsy post mortem, that actually defines it.
Now back to faith, two of my sisters were with mom when she suffered a massive stroke. I do not believe either one could believe she just had a shower, and the next moment she was shaking on one side, mouth drooping, and even curled up in a fetal position.
As they waited for the ambulance, they just prayed the Our Father and Hail Mary with her, and low and behold, after the third or fourth round...MY MOM says AMEN!
She fought her battle with courage, she did the best she could do, but now it was time to go home.
I respect her faith and dedication. I hope someday I can be as faithfull....
Thank you for listening, Belinda