Missing Mom

Grief support for all who have lost moms

Losing your mother can be traumatic at any age. Share your grief and talk with others who are coping with the loss of their mothers.

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Permalink Reply by Yvonne on May 18, 2011 at 8:50am

Dear Leslie,

My sincere condolences to you on your loss. You are indeed rather young to have lost your Mom, but I can assure you there is never a good time to lose the most important person in your life. Unfortunately, the pain is no less when you get older. I am very sorry that your time with your mother was cut short in that manner and hope there is some comfort for you in the doctors assurance that she did not suffer.

Do not fret about your difficult teen years, for this is traditionally a highly emotional and stressful period among all human beings...something to do with hormones I believe. As you may be finding with your own teenager, it can be a rocky time of life at the best of times.

I do not believe our mothers ever really leave us. In a quiet moment we may well be able to sense their presence, a gentle touch perhaps. And I do believe that your mother would have seen your love for her in the moments you were able to spend with her during the last few years of her life...all of that would surely make up for any difficiulties you had had in your youth. And now, with your own son, I hope you will be able to share your memories of your mother, his grandmother, that he will come to know her better through the stories you can share. Simply reliving your stories of your Mom might be a comfort to you as well.

Don't you just hate it when people say "We didn't think you would want to talk about her because it might be too painful". I find the opposite to be true; it is more painful to feel you should not to talk about a lost loved one.

You had described your feelings of anger towards God for taking her, but I understand that anger is a normal part of the grieving process as well. Perhaps talking to a pastor or priest about your feelings of anger, might help.

Leslie, I do not know if my rambling has been of any help to you at all. My initial intention was just to let you know there are many here who have been through the same feelings, and that "Year of Firsts" following the loss of your Mom is surely the most difficult.

May Peace be your journey as you continue to deal with your sorrow.

Blessings,

Yvonne

Permalink Reply by leslie dykeman on May 18, 2011 at 7:44pm

Yvonne, Thank you so much for your response. I do understand anyone at any age is difficult to lose someone that close. You did not ramble on, I did enjoy reading your response. Yes I do agree talking about her does sometimes help and I like to think of all the fun we did have and all the laughs we did have together. I do know my anger towards God is just part of me getting through this. I guess I never really thought it would be this hard to get over or move on. You are right this first year has been the hardest. Mothers day was the worst along with Christmas, because she loved Christmas so much. Thank you again. My condolances to you as well and you will be in my prayers. I may feel anger toward HIM but I do still talk to HIM and my mom. I try to make sense of things and tell myself that she may not be here in front of me but she is with me. She is my Angel that walks beside me. Thank you again, your response did mean alot to me...

Permalink Reply by JCase on May 19, 2011 at 5:21pm

Dear Leslie,

I'm so sorry for your loss. When you said you don't feel like you have anyone to talk to, it reminded me of something I read that talks about coping with the death of a loved one. It said that writing about your feelings can be helpful.

Here's the link if you want to read it: When a Loved One Dies How Can You Cope?

I hope it helps.

Sincerely,

J Case

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those in any sort of tribulation through the comfort with which we ourselves are being comforted by God."

- 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on May 19, 2011 at 11:43pm

Leslie,

The suggestion by JCase is a very good one and something I have found very helpful in coping with my own loss.

While I initially was so overwhelmed by the depths of my loss, and missing my regular telephone conversations with my mother, I decided that "writing her a daily letter" might help me. So, I invested in a very nice looking journal and I began to write in it each day. Some days there was so much to say to her, that I would write for pages. Other days it might only be a paragraph or two. However it has been a means of expressing all the feelings I was dealing with.

I continue to add entries to that journal whenever I have a day where I miss Mom a little more...her birthday, Mothers Day, Christmas or just when I have had a really bad day. Throughout my life, my mother was my confidant and I am sure many here would say the same, so it seems the most natural thing to "write her" about those feelings. You might well find this a very useful way to sort out your emotions -- and many months from now you will be able to look back at the entries and see how much you have healed.

Blessings to you again, Leslie,

Yvonne

JCase said:

Dear Leslie,

I'm so sorry for your loss. When you said you don't feel like you have anyone to talk to, it reminded me of something I read that talks about coping with the death of a loved one. It said that writing about your feelings can be helpful.

Here's the link if you want to read it: When a Loved One Dies How Can You Cope?

I hope it helps.

Sincerely,

J Case

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those in any sort of tribulation through the comfort with which we ourselves are being comforted by God."

- 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4

Permalink Reply by John Bower on September 25, 2011 at 12:02am

I lost my Mother on December 4th, 2000. I think about Ma everyday. The pain is still rather intense at times.

Permalink Reply by Amanda on October 12, 2011 at 7:18pm

I lost my mom to cancer on March 15th of this year and not one day or second goes by that I dont think of her. The sad part is that it came on so strong and sudden and she tried to be sp strong and was in denial that every thing was going to be OK and she was going to get better, but it did not. My mom had just went on a 200 mile bikeride bike meaning bicycle with her sisiter around the czech republic and came back after a month and was not feeling well it felt like her stomach was really bloated and at first we thought it was from the different types of food. So we went for test after test and come to find that she had lung cancer, stage 1 at first until we made an appt to go to moffit cancer institure in Tampa. We had the appt set my sisiter and I were going to go with my mom and believing that oh good we gfot this early... No, we decided she should have an oncologist over here just to be safe. That day after meeting with the oncoloist over here I was at work and my sister and my sisiter from another mother went with her. She called me when they left on my cell and told me to go outside. Of course I was shaking like a leaf. My heart sank to my chest when she told me she had stage 4 lung cancer and I remember not thinking I said Mom are you going to die?????? And she said NO. I cant believe I said that but I was not thinking. I was out of my head I was sobbing after awile I kind of but not really got my composure to walk in my office get my stuff and drive to my moms where both sisiter were.. We sat and cried and laughed why laugh I have no clue I was dumbfounded. The next day my sisiter and I were going to bring her for a brain scan to make sure it was not there but when I called her in the AM she said she was throwing up all night and didint want to go. My moms sister runs a hospital in NY so I called and asked her what we should do and she said go the the ER but if your mom can make it go to her oncologist so I was doing 95 and I-95 b/c the office was about a half hr away. When we got there she ws still upset but as we were wtg for the doctor she looked at meand my sisiter and said I just could not have gone to my head ct scan and heard anymore BAD news and after that day nothing was right after that day......

Permalink Reply by katlin on October 13, 2011 at 10:43am

Hello Amanda,

I just read your post just now and I know you are feeling such a huge loss. I too have had a huge loss recently of my Grandmother, who was like my mother to me. It is so difficult to understand why bad things happen to good people, but true understanding is possible through a study of the bible. Are you a religious person at all? There are some really good answers in the bible as to why people die, and also much comforting scriptures about the time we will see our loved ones again. If you would like to talk privately, I would be glad to share this info with you.

Amanda said:

I lost my mom to cancer on March 15th of this year and not one day or second goes by that I dont think of her. The sad part is that it came on so strong and sudden and she tried to be sp strong and was in denial that every thing was going to be OK and she was going to get better, but it did not. My mom had just went on a 200 mile bikeride bike meaning bicycle with her sisiter around the czech republic and came back after a month and was not feeling well it felt like her stomach was really bloated and at first we thought it was from the different types of food. So we went for test after test and come to find that she had lung cancer, stage 1 at first until we made an appt to go to moffit cancer institure in Tampa. We had the appt set my sisiter and I were going to go with my mom and believing that oh good we gfot this early... No, we decided she should have an oncologist over here just to be safe. That day after meeting with the oncoloist over here I was at work and my sister and my sisiter from another mother went with her. She called me when they left on my cell and told me to go outside. Of course I was shaking like a leaf. My heart sank to my chest when she told me she had stage 4 lung cancer and I remember not thinking I said Mom are you going to die?????? And she said NO. I cant believe I said that but I was not thinking. I was out of my head I was sobbing after awile I kind of but not really got my composure to walk in my office get my stuff and drive to my moms where both sisiter were.. We sat and cried and laughed why laugh I have no clue I was dumbfounded. The next day my sisiter and I were going to bring her for a brain scan to make sure it was not there but when I called her in the AM she said she was throwing up all night and didint want to go. My moms sister runs a hospital in NY so I called and asked her what we should do and she said go the the ER but if your mom can make it go to her oncologist so I was doing 95 and I-95 b/c the office was about a half hr away. When we got there she ws still upset but as we were wtg for the doctor she looked at meand my sisiter and said I just could not have gone to my head ct scan and heard anymore BAD news and after that day nothing was right after that day......

Permalink Reply by Peggy Brumbaugh on October 16, 2011 at 10:23pm

I lost my mother and my only brother in a car accident just last month.My dad was the only survivor and is still in the hospital.I have no other siblings.I am so unbelievably lost.I dont know what to do or where to turn.The pain in my heart is so overwhelming and my soul feels empty.I still don't feel like it's real and ask everyday "why?".I just had lunch with my parents the day befor the accident.I wake up and think it was a horrible dream,then reality smacks me and I can't believe I will never see them again.I cant sleep and have not returned back to work yet.I was never a big talker with my dad(that was my brothers roll)He is just as lost if not more and I fear when and if he goes home to that empty house he will fall to a broken heart.I am so lost and I miss them so much I can barely stand it.Please if anyone has information that may help or just someone to talk to because I feel so lost and alone

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on October 17, 2011 at 10:55pm

Peggy Brumbaugh said:

I lost my mother and my only brother in a car accident just last month.My dad was the only survivor and is still in the hospital.I have no other siblings.I am so unbelievably lost.I dont know what to do or where to turn.The pain in my heart is so overwhelming and my soul feels empty.I still don't feel like it's real and ask everyday "why?".I just had lunch with my parents the day befor the accident.I wake up and think it was a horrible dream,then reality smacks me and I can't believe I will never see them again.I cant sleep and have not returned back to work yet.I was never a big talker with my dad(that was my brothers roll)He is just as lost if not more and I fear when and if he goes home to that empty house he will fall to a broken heart.I am so lost and I miss them so much I can barely stand it.Please if anyone has information that may help or just someone to talk to because I feel so lost and alone

Peggy, Words cannot express the pain you must feel, and yet you need loving words now more then ever. This is such a wonderful group that you have found. You say very little about your support system. Find friends and loved ones to cling to during this shocking period of your life. I found when I lost my mom, there are special angels that were sent my way, to help me absorb and process the large loss I experienced. Loosing two special people in your life, has to double your pain, and yet you are still concerned with your father. Please take baby steps, remember you are only human, and you have to trust your instincts to find and stay close to help that makes you feel safe and secure. I will pray for you and your entire family, and please know the support group at Legacy become your family the day your arrive. Go to your church, doctor, and well meaning friends and family and ask for referrals to find counseling and people with open hearts and ears to listen to your pain, feelings, and who can guide you through this time you are in need. Know I care. Belinda Rhodes

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Davis on October 19, 2011 at 12:19pm

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Davis on October 19, 2011 at 1:02pm

I lost my mother in August 9, 2010 at the age of 55. She had been diagnosed with Hamman-Rich Syndrome which caused her to die from pulmonary fibrosis and heart failure just a year and 4 month later.

Even though it has been a year, it is still hard to deal with her being gone. I had to see her suffer for so long and I can't get that image out of my head. That is the last thing I think about when I go to bed at night. I have dreams at least 3 times a week, in my dreams she dies all over again. I feel like this pain of her being gone will never go away. My mother was everything to me. I lost my dad when I just just a baby so it was just me and her. I have always feared losing her. When I was a little girl I would go into her room at night just to make sure she was still breathing. My biggest fear came true when she passed away. I knew she was sick, but I didn't expect her to leave. She always told me that she was going to stick around till she was 100 years old. I miss my best friend and I don't know what to do. Nobody in my life seems to get it. They tell me that "time will heal" But the only thing time does is take her further away from me. I have not moved on at ALL. I function though. I take care of my family and I don't cry around anyone. I can't open up to them, because they tell me not to think this way. I can't help but ONLY think this way.

I feel like a huge part of me died that day. I know I will never be the same. There is a certain comfort my mother gave me, but I don't have a way to describe it. She made everything seem so much better. I really need someone to talk to, someone who knows what I am going through. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read this.

Permalink Reply by Megan Murphy on November 1, 2011 at 6:15pm

My mother died on Father's Day, June 19th, 2011. It was 6 days before my 20th birthday.

She was diagnosed with carcinoid cancer of the liver in May of 2008. It was stable for a while. They did a couple operations and tried a few treatments on her, switching treatments when one was no longer appropriate to use. She eventually got too run-down to work anymore, and in March of 2011, the cancer had reached her heart. In June 2011 she was gone.

I visited her several times a day when she was in a nursing home from May 2011 to June 2011. I watched her deteriorate. I watched her periodically lose her sharp wit and start hallucinating or rambling. I watched her slip into the stage where she no longer responded to any of us; just stared blankly. Pretty much the only thing I didn't see was her death, and that's only because I decided to go home that night to sleep rather than to stay there. When I went to view her body, the nurses hadn't bothered to close her eyes -- she was in a contorted position, staring out the door straight at me. It was the most painful thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

A few days after this, my favorite nurse from the nursing home was murdered.

A couple weeks later, my dog of several years unexpectedly died. Both of these events are inconsequential compared to the loss of my mother, but it's just more stuff piled on top.

I'm in my third year of college, taking 7 classes as opposed to the normal 5, and getting straight A's. I have two part time jobs and an internship as well. To everyone else, I am doing a fantastic job of coping. The truth is that my entire family has basically turned on me in one way or another. I am an only child, so no siblings to share this with. My mother was my primary parent and my best friend in the entire world. I am constantly on the verge of tears, even four and a half months later. I am an expert at holding those tears back. When faced with the prospect of sleeping alone (I spend most nights with my boyfriend), I immediately start having a panic attack, hyperventilating, and uncontrollably crying. Nighttime is hard. I don't know why.

I don't know where to start with anything.