I don’t know what to do next or where to go. Every day I cry, for hours. I still call his cellphone hoping he would answer. I get no answer then I hang up and call again. From 2004, he was fighting Leukaemia and he tried his best to prepare me, but he died suddenly from heart failure in his sleep. We had so many more years to go, so many more miles to run.

Lastnight I thought I had lost my mind, I just layed on the floor and cried then I got up and decided to see if there is a forum online I can get some help. I’m going to die from heart failure too if I don’t get better soon. My grief has consumed me. I have NEVER thought about life without shawn, we both agreed he would live to be 103 years old and now at 29 he is gone.

I have no one to talk to, because as far as everyone is concerned he was just a “best friend” to them its not like losing a parent or sibling. People don’t understand the bond that develops between best friends and the fact that that bond can be stronger than family. I know shawn better than his own family (this family told me so at the memorial) and no one knew me like he did. There is another friend (Pat) hes the 3^rd bestfriend in our friendship but he is dealing it in his own way and he has so much other stuff going on, I really can’t add my grief to his.

OMG he had so many favorite songs, he loved the Soundtrack to RENT, he was a singer, actor, writer, performer himself and he sung the lead for “Seasons of Love”. He also loved Chrisette Michelle “I am one” I listen to all his favorite songs; sometimes I can hear him in them. Ive started saving all my videos, songs, pictures, emails, letters and everything from shawn. Something’s I can’t remember like what he got me for my birthdays because everything was a gift from him. Sometimes I get dress and walk out the house and then I realise Shawn bought me that shawn, shawn picked out those shoes … he knew how to dress to impress. I tried making a memorial video of shawn a few days ago and I just kept crying, major fail. Between the computer soak with my tears and my eyes so blurry I cannot see, I didn’t get far. I have a poem I wrote and read at his funeral.

January 13th, 2012 was his death

February 4th, 2012 was his memorial service

February 7th, 2012 was his birthday