My dad was my life!

My beloved father passed away on December 27, 2014. I was his only child and his caregiver. We had lived in the same house together for all of my life (55 years). My parents divorced when I was only five and I was raised by my father, so my bond with him was extra close. He had been sick for a long time, he was 86, but his death still came as a terrible shock to me. Twice I found him in distress, unattended in the ICU, and then I watched him die from respiratory failure in Comfort Care for 36 hours straight.

My father was my best friend and my hero. For the first time in my life I am completely alone, no husband, no children, no friends or relatives close by. I feel lost without my father. He was the kindest man I ever knew. Our favorite pastime was to watch classic movies and listen to music together. We watched at least one movie together almost every evening. Sometimes we would binge watch Masterpiece Theater and Boardwalk Empire. Now I hardly turn on the tv, because it makes me miss him too much. I can't even watch Downton Abbey anymore, because he's not with me. Hearing the music we used to enjoy together makes me sad and anxious. Some cousins and friends have tried to keep me company when they can (which isn't often). I appreciate their kindness, they have given me comfort, but it isn't enough. They go back to their loved ones. I have no one anymore.

My father and I understood each other almost perfectly. He taught me to like everything he liked. The only thing I didn't understand about him was why he liked staying home so much. I loved being home with him all those years, but I also feel like life passed us by. There were so many things I wanted my dad to enjoy, but we ran out of time. Life isn't fun anymore without him. I knew this would happen, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's natural for our parents to die before us, but I feel like a huge part of my life has died with him. There is no more meaning or purpose in my life. People tell me to live for myself, but I don't know how.

My dad lives on in my memory, but I don't think I will ever be as happy again as I was when he was alive. I told him I loved him every day, but I wish I had spent more time with him, even though I was usually just in the next room when I wasn't beside him. I feel like I wasted time on my hobbies and trying to fix up the house, when I should have spent more time with him, keeping him company and cherishing every last moment with him. I did spend a lot of time with him, but I could have spent more! Sometimes he watched our favorite movies by himself, because I was busy doing something else. How could I leave him alone like that? I acted like we had all the time in the world -- how could I be so stupid! I should have asked him more questions and written down his answers. I guess I didn't think of this before, because I was in denial. I had too much faith in his will to live. He had been through so many crises before and always recovered until this last time. I helped save his life more than once, but this time I feel like there was something I did or something I didn't do that led to his demise. I trusted his doctors and the hospital, but they made mistakes. I feel like I should have taken him to another hospital, but they all make mistakes.

I cry every day. I have chronic insomnia and tingling feelings in my arms. I miss my dad terribly. I feel like I took him for granted. I wish I had never complained about anything to him. I should have just been happy that he was with me. He was so stoic. He didn't like to worry me. Now I wonder if he was suffering more than he would tell me. For many years I was a caregiver for four elderly relatives in succession, but the loss of my father is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I thought I was strong, but I can't take this! I have endured the loss of other loved ones, but my dad was always there to give me moral support, so I didn't feel as lonely and hopeless as I do now. My mother died just two months before my father, but she didn't raise me, so I don't miss her nearly as much as my dad. With her I mostly mourn what might have been.

Recommend

2 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 27, 2015 at 1:22pm

HI, Debbie: Thank you for thinking of me. I understand how you feel with your birthday coming up and not wanting to talk about it. I sometimes have to be careful of saying to people how lonely I am, because with rents so high, there are relatives who would like to move in with me, rent free, of course. While, it's nice to have company, they have a history of irresponsible behavior, such as drug use. For example, one cousin broke another cousin's big screen tv while drunk -- he thought it was a doorway. His girlfriend recently fell down and broke her hip, so I worry about liability issues. I have enough problems to worry about.

I am getting more weepy these days. For the first time last night I cried myself to sleep while praying to God for help. I even spoke out loud to my dad, telling him how much I miss him. I don't want to make him sad, but I want him to know how much I love him. He knows but I feel I have to express it. There were so many things I wanted to do to improve his quality of life, but we ran out of time. I blame crooked contractors mostly. My dad didn't live to see the home improvements completed, and now I can't complete them, until I find a job. I have to keep my savings, because who knows how long it will take me to find a job at my age and with very little to put on my resume.

On Sunday, I started a grief support group at a church, which I found by accident. I was walking home from my therapist's office in a part of town I don't normally get to. I came to a busy intersection where the traffic lights had stopped working and police were directing traffic. I decided to turn to the left rather than cross there and came upon a magnificent Gothic cathedral. I lighted candles for my father, mother, grandmother, great uncle and the late parents of my best friend in Cincinnati. Then I found out about the grief ministry they have. The first meeting went well, except there wasn't much time for each person to speak. I think they should skip the silent period in the beginning, because I go through days on end of silence, I don't need it. But I realize it's intended to relax the participants. Also, an activity where we filled out a questionnaire about our grief symptoms should have been homework, so that more time could have been spent talking, which I think is the best thing about groups like this.

Well, I'm off to see my therapist, so I'll close. I hope your birthday goes much better than you expect.

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 27, 2015 at 4:41pm

got told ort day its slf pity get over it i did ic nt get over it its not slf pity coz i miss my dad evry 1 els on top it did it died it dieid w 2 mush loss on top did not do my any favers it did not 1s its not had loss seam 2 say get over it a lot thy do im dredinf fathers day again sean bloons in shop windws dnt seam 2 hlp hepl it dont or ads on tv get yore dad a grt gify i wish i cud we all do

sorry if im rantng 2 mush

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 27, 2015 at 4:43pm

dream moon said:

got told ort day its slf pity get over it i did ic nt get over it its not slf pity coz i miss my dad evry 1 els on top it did it died it dieid w 2 mush loss on top did not do my any favers it did not 1s its not had loss seam 2 say get over it a lot thy do im dredinf fathers day again sean bloons in shop windws dnt seam 2 hlp hepl it dont or ads on tv get yore dad a grt gify i wish i cud we all do

sorry if im rantng 2 mush

i cnt get over it it kills me

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 27, 2015 at 10:21pm

You're right, dream moon, it's not self pity to miss your dad. I have a friend who said the same thing to me. She said it was immature of me to keep mourning my father. She doesn't understand, because she didn't like her parents, so naturally she doesn't miss them the way I miss my dad.

Even my own half brother said to me, "Didn't you know Dad was going to die eventually?" Of course. I knew it, but it wasn't something I wanted to think about, because it was too depressing. I thought he had a few years left, because he was getting better in some ways and had survived other setbacks. I still think he could have been saved, if the doctors or the hospital had done a better job of doing the necessary tests, before he got so bad. They treated him with powerful antibiotics when they never even figured out what was causing his lung congestion. They also should not have given him two pneumonia vaccines when he was already seriously ill.

Yes, Father's Day is going to be a hard day for me, too. Every day is hard for me without my dear sweet daddy. It still seems like a horrible nightmare that he's gone. Maybe you could set up a little shrine for your dad and put some flowers or treats for him in front of it. I have a small altar for my dad here at home with his picture, candles and statues. I lighted another candle for him at church today and said a prayer asking God to please give my dad happiness forever.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Rieger on May 27, 2015 at 11:24pm

Hi Gilda,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your dearest father!

I saw your post on the side of Lost of a Child. I lost my only child/son Joe April 5, 2010 after he left our house Easter Sunday when a drunk driver was careless.

I lost my father first in August 1991 then my only sibling my brother Richie in November 1995 and my mother in November 2012. I've lost many people in my life as most people have; I will always miss and love them all.

It's not unusual for you to feel the loss of your daddy. I remember crying for each family member for a very long time. And sometimes something gets to me and my heart breaks for the loss of my son Joe. Even my brother Richie at the time said he thought of daddy every day and he cried too. Gilda, I understand how you feel. No one is ever prepared for someone they love to leave us no matter their age or how their health may be. And then there is the emptiness when they aren't connecting with us in some way. But I'll tell you something funny. Anyway my husband and I think it's funny. My dad would call with one ring on the telephone. And that was his signal for me to telephone him back because we had what was called a scope; we paid one monthly price to telephone his number. After dad passed for the longest time the telephone would ring once and my husband and I both believe it was my dad telephoning us. So look for some sign that might be from your dad communicating with you. Yes it is a horrible nightmare when someone we love is no longer with us. But if you take time to feel your dad's presence you'll know he is still with you.

I have underlying bronchial asthma and also allergic rhinitis aka hay fever. I drain my nasal passages using Neil Med sinus rinse just about every morning. And if I have a cold I use Neil Med sinus rinse with alkalol with 8 oz of distilled water I've warmed for 26 seconds in my microwave then shake. I drain my nasal passages using this and do that maybe 3 times a day if I'm real sick. Sometimes there is inflammation as today and I looked terrible I went back to bed and fell asleep a couple hours. So you see I have an interest in your father having lung congestion. I know how terrible it feels. I was given a pneumonia vaccine in 1992 and then about 15 years later another one. I'm just wondering if the doctor gave your father the vaccines to ward off pneumonia. But I don't know anything about that. My personal opinion is that sometimes they do too many tests.

Your friend is so wrong it's not immature to mourn your father's death. It's very normal to mourn and grieve. There is no time line I'll probably always mourn the loss of my immediate family. We will never get over the loss of people we love; there's an empty space. But we can live life in spite of it. It's not easy my husband and I both miss our loved ones and at times feel depressed. But we still laugh and have fun and have been happy and have had many incredible experiences. But we will never get over it we will endure it. And still live our lives to the best of our ability and be happy when we can. Know that you're normal and if you want to cry just cry; scream if it makes you feel better. Write a letter to your dad and tell him how you feel. It's really annoying to me that your brother said such a stupid thing to you. Everyone is different and everyone has a different relationship with others in their life. You're daddy's little girl and had and still have a very special bond. He's still with you and I'm sure you can feel his love. Did you know that when someone passes the one thing that they take with them is the LOVE. Keep sending your prayers and your love to your daddy!

Best Regards,

Barbara

PS Please know that you are entitled to live a good happy life. Life can be wonderful and it's meant to be lived to the fullest each day. Each day is a gift that's why it's called the present!

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 28, 2015 at 2:53pm

Gilda said:

You're right, dream moon, it's not self pity to miss your dad. I have a friend who said the same thing to me. She said it was immature of me to keep mourning my father. She doesn't understand, because she didn't like her parents, so naturally she doesn't miss them the way I miss my dad.

Even my own half brother said to me, "Didn't you know Dad was going to die eventually?" Of course. I knew it, but it wasn't something I wanted to think about, because it was too depressing. I thought he had a few years left, because he was getting better in some ways and had survived other setbacks. I still think he could have been saved, if the doctors or the hospital had done a better job of doing the necessary tests, before he got so bad. They treated him with powerful antibiotics when they never even figured out what was causing his lung congestion. They also should not have given him two pneumonia vaccines when he was already seriously ill.

Yes, Father's Day is going to be a hard day for me, too. Every day is hard for me without my dear sweet daddy. It still seems like a horrible nightmare that he's gone. Maybe you could set up a little shrine for your dad and put some flowers or treats for him in front of it. I have a small altar for my dad here at home with his picture, candles and statues. I lighted another candle for him at church today and said a prayer asking God to please give my dad happiness forever.

yep 1s its not had a loss seam 2 hav a go thy do or 1s it dont giv a dam i ask why me why me will ask

but 2 get tld it wz slf pity its not i wish 1s its not had loss say nothng

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 28, 2015 at 6:27pm

Hi Barbara:

Thank you for your very compassionate reply. You have my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your son, your brother and your mother. I know the loss of a child is the most devastating. My father became like my child when he got older. I know it's not the same, but I understand devastation. It's strange to be in a world where no one really needs me anymore. Some people say they love me, but if I died tomorrow they surely wouldn't suffer the way I am suffering now. Not that I want anyone to suffer. My relatives hardly even call me now. They didn't call that often before my father died. They have their loved ones to comfort them as I had my dad to comfort me when my other loved ones died. Now I have no one. I didn't meet many people staying home so much as a caregiver. And yet, I know professional women who go out every weekend, and even they haven't found someone they could love.

That is very interesting about the phone ringing once. It sure does seem like your father was trying to contact you. My dad never cared much for talking on the phone. He didn't have to phone me often, because I was always here with him. I dreamed about my father again last night, but I can't remember the details.
Unfortunately, even if he is here with me, it's not much good if we can't carry on a conversation. Maybe my dad is worried a sign from him would upset me and make me long for him more. Maybe he wants me to move on. My dad was so considerate, he wouldn't even call the nurses at the hospital if it could be avoided. Or perhaps my father doesn't know how to contact me yet or he's distracted. I should hope that heaven is a very interesting place to spend eternity. I read that people don’t suddenly become god-like on the other side. They have to figure things out. My dad supposedly already contacted my cousin. She said she had a dream on the night he died. He was in a beautiful forest and he told her he was ok and that he was good to go. He asked her to take care of me. I wish I could have a dream like that in which he gives me a direct message. If anything happens of note, I'll let you know.

As for his lung congestion, my dad had congestive heart failure, but since pneumonia and CHF look the same on x-rays, the doctor didn't know which he had. He might have had both, but they didn't do a sputum culture right away, even after I had specifically asked them to. I had even collected a sample, they didn't do it. The hospitalist said there was a mixup at the lab and it was disconcerting but he was giving my dad an antibiotic which cures most pneumonias and then he sent him home. Two weeks later my dad was readmitted for shortness of breath and blood in his sputum. They finally did a sputum culture but found nothing. Still they put him on vancomycin and levaquin, last resort antibiotics which are toxic to the kidneys but useless for viral pneumonia.. He already had chronic kidney disease. I can see prescribing them if you know the bacteria causing the pneumonia, but his sputum never cultured for anything. If they had done the sputum culture two weeks earlier, then they could have ruled out bacteria then and concentrated on the CHF. Maybe switching a diuretic would have helped, because sometimes a phenomenon called braking occurs, when the kidneys no longer respond to lasix -- but they ignored me when I suggested that. I feel bad, because I should have switched hospitals at that point, but he had been successfully treated for pneumonia six months earlier, so I thought they knew how to treat it, but they did a sputum culture that previous time and prescribed the appropriate antibiotic. Instead of treating the CHF with a different diuretic, they just kept giving him antibiotics. Then they gave him two pneumonia vaccines when he supposedly already had pneumonia of unknown etiology. He suffered a massive heart attack the evening after he received the vaccines. It could be a coincidence, but other people have adverse reactions to vaccines, and my dad did not tolerate medications well at all. You may have tolerated your pneumonia vaccines, because you did not have pneumonia already, so your immune system could handle them at the time. Then there was an ICU nurse from hell who said I have the knowledge of a five year old, compared to the doctors and nurses. She also said that she didn't believe in artificially prolonging life, according to her religious beliefs. I wanted to report her to the Intensivist, but I was afraid she'd pull the plug on my dad. At that point, he was still on the ventilator, fully sedated. He had asked me before not to complain, because he would be the one to pay for it. There's so much more I could tell you about the uncaring attitude of some of the doctors and nurses, but it would take too long and there's no point now. When I wanted to move my dad to another hospital, they told me he couldn't be moved, and yet they moved him to the Comfort Care floor to die.

I can't scream, because the neighbors will call 911. I laugh and smile when there are people around, because they sure aren't going to cry with me! I agree that everyone is entitled to love, but that doesn't mean it's easy to find love when you're middle aged and don't have a large network of friends and relatives close by. I have tried to make new friends but have met some very strange people so far, and I'm not that picky. I even signed up for a dating site and over 90 percent of the men who responded were scammers.

Thanks again for all your good wishes. I'm glad that you have your husband to help support you through the sad times. I know my grief would be more bearable if I had someone who loves me with me. I could fill this house with people, but that doesn't mean they're going to be a comfort to me the way a loving spouse or a very close friend would be. Then when relatives say stupid things, it's like what's the use of calling them?

With my best wishes,

Gilda

Barbara Rieger said:

Hi Gilda,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your dearest father!

I saw your post on the side of Lost of a Child. I lost my only child/son Joe April 5, 2010 after he left our house Easter Sunday when a drunk driver was careless.

I lost my father first in August 1991 then my only sibling my brother Richie in November 1995 and my mother in November 2012. I've lost many people in my life as most people have; I will always miss and love them all.

It's not unusual for you to feel the loss of your daddy. I remember crying for each family member for a very long time. And sometimes something gets to me and my heart breaks for the loss of my son Joe. Even my brother Richie at the time said he thought of daddy every day and he cried too. Gilda, I understand how you feel. No one is ever prepared for someone they love to leave us no matter their age or how their health may be. And then there is the emptiness when they aren't connecting with us in some way. But I'll tell you something funny. Anyway my husband and I think it's funny. My dad would call with one ring on the telephone. And that was his signal for me to telephone him back because we had what was called a scope; we paid one monthly price to telephone his number. After dad passed for the longest time the telephone would ring once and my husband and I both believe it was my dad telephoning us. So look for some sign that might be from your dad communicating with you. Yes it is a horrible nightmare when someone we love is no longer with us. But if you take time to feel your dad's presence you'll know he is still with you.

I have underlying bronchial asthma and also allergic rhinitis aka hay fever. I drain my nasal passages using Neil Med sinus rinse just about every morning. And if I have a cold I use Neil Med sinus rinse with alkalol with 8 oz of distilled water I've warmed for 26 seconds in my microwave then shake. I drain my nasal passages using this and do that maybe 3 times a day if I'm real sick. Sometimes there is inflammation as today and I looked terrible I went back to bed and fell asleep a couple hours. So you see I have an interest in your father having lung congestion. I know how terrible it feels. I was given a pneumonia vaccine in 1992 and then about 15 years later another one. I'm just wondering if the doctor gave your father the vaccines to ward off pneumonia. But I don't know anything about that. My personal opinion is that sometimes they do too many tests.

Your friend is so wrong it's not immature to mourn your father's death. It's very normal to mourn and grieve. There is no time line I'll probably always mourn the loss of my immediate family. We will never get over the loss of people we love; there's an empty space. But we can live life in spite of it. It's not easy my husband and I both miss our loved ones and at times feel depressed. But we still laugh and have fun and have been happy and have had many incredible experiences. But we will never get over it we will endure it. And still live our lives to the best of our ability and be happy when we can. Know that you're normal and if you want to cry just cry; scream if it makes you feel better. Write a letter to your dad and tell him how you feel. It's really annoying to me that your brother said such a stupid thing to you. Everyone is different and everyone has a different relationship with others in their life. You're daddy's little girl and had and still have a very special bond. He's still with you and I'm sure you can feel his love. Did you know that when someone passes the one thing that they take with them is the LOVE. Keep sending your prayers and your love to your daddy!

Best Regards,

Barbara

PS Please know that you are entitled to live a good happy life. Life can be wonderful and it's meant to be lived to the fullest each day. Each day is a gift that's why it's called the present!

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 28, 2015 at 6:48pm

When someone says we're just pitying ourselves, it's usually someone who doesn't understand what it is to love someone with all your heart. Sometimes it is better to say nothing than to criticize someone who is grieving. Oftentimes it's not just the loss that devastates us, but the circumstances -- things that happened at the hospital or the nursing home which makes a terrible situation so much worse. Many people don't know what it's like to watch a loved one die. Even in Comfort Care or a hospice, it's very painful to witness a death, especially from respiratory failure. The nurses told me my dad did not suffer, but labored breathing looks like suffering, even if it isn't. It's bad enough knowing you're going to die when you love life and you don't want to leave your loved ones. I wish I hadn't told my dad he needed the heart operation. Better for him to have died thinking he had a chance to recover.

yep 1s its not had a loss seam 2 hav a go thy do or 1s it dont giv a dam i ask why me why me will ask

but 2 get tld it wz slf pity its not i wish 1s its not had loss say nothng

Permalink Reply by Debbie Winans on May 29, 2015 at 2:16pm

I'm lucky nobody has said those awful things to me - like "just get over it already". Just seems insane to think that someone who has been a part of your life since Day One and suddenly isn't there any longer wouldn't be an easy thing to get over. No matter if it is a pet or a friend you haven't known very long; they own a piece of your heart and it misses them. And it always will. And if you took care of that parent as they were older, there are a lot of other emotions at play. We need to mourn when we feel like it and celebrate that we had extraordinary people in our life that loved us with all their hearts too. They wouldn't choose to leave, but they had to.

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 30, 2015 at 12:50am

You are so right, Debbie. Thank you for your understanding. No one can imagine the pain of such a loss until they experience it. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. I'm trying very hard to accept what I cannot change, but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The feel that there is no one who loves me anymore is the hardest part. I know my extended relatives love me, but I'm not the most important person in their lives, nor should I be. They have their own loved ones. It is so hard to find love in this world at my age, I never knew how hard until this happened. Now I wish I had appreciated my father's presence in my life even more than I did, but how was I to know how terrible his loss would be? I had never known loneliness before and how painful it is. But it's a loneliness that can't be relieved by even throngs of people. When I went downtown for some Memorial Day shopping, I felt more lonely in the crowd of shoppers than I do all by myself at home.

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 30, 2015 at 4:41pm

Debbie Winans said:

I'm lucky nobody has said those awful things to me - like "just get over it already". Just seems insane to think that someone who has been a part of your life since Day One and suddenly isn't there any longer wouldn't be an easy thing to get over. No matter if it is a pet or a friend you haven't known very long; they own a piece of your heart and it misses them. And it always will. And if you took care of that parent as they were older, there are a lot of other emotions at play. We need to mourn when we feel like it and celebrate that we had extraordinary people in our life that loved us with all their hearts too. They wouldn't choose to leave, but they had to.

im plsed for u thy not say it coz it gets 2 us wn thy do 2 mush loss u cud say its kills me coz od it had so mush loss non stp u cud say

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 30, 2015 at 4:54pm

bean on picrsize tryn 2 sort foots ot on i no is a bit mean tryng 2 cut off pele in famly dnt lk if its on end of foto we can cut thn of its in midle f fotto thy in we cnt cut thm off fotto we cnt

my dad cut off in law in famly of fotto he did coz no 1 lk ths i law i rembr my dad sayng im havng nite mres lking at him so he cut him off

but wrd he day say wz f end wth f he did

i luved my dad id did he wz so funny sweet he wz he did not hav a bdad bon in him he wud play pranks on us he did

bst 1 he did wz he told me thr wz a hole in tolet he did i wnt for loook cunt fnd a hol still told me th wz a hole in tolet

thn i relized thr wza hole in a tolet i new wot he ment

or 1 of his funnby jok he wud say if it wz snow

he wud say ths snow man frezing his snow ball off will u let him in his bangng on dooor he is

he wz so funny lk our dads wz u cud say