On May 10th, my life changed forever. My sister Denise, 38, married with 2 young daughters, died from a rare blood disorder. She was a healthy woman, 2 weeks before her death she ran a half marathon, a few months before that, a full marathon...she was happy. She loved life. She had so many friends, was beautiful, smart, and funny. She came home early from work on Monday (I spoke to her on the phone) because she had a fever and felt like she had a stomach flu. Tuesday, I called her...still seemed the same...Thursday she went into the hospital because it just wasn't going away, and she was dehydrated...got a text from her...thought things would be okay. Early Friday morning she went into respiratory and kidney failure and was put into a medical induced coma. My early Saturday morning she was gone. She was diagnosed with the blood disorder TTP. When I heard the news on Friday, as my parents drove to her, I packed my stuff and drove to the nearest airport (3 hours away) to get to her, just to miss my flight by 15 minutes. I couldn't get another flight till the next day, and by then, she was gone. I am just a shell of myself. We were a year and nine days apart. We were really close. I have been to a grief counselor, but I still feel like I can't get through this. I feel guilty. Guilty I did not get there to see her...guilty that I am alive and she is dead...I have no kids and am not married...she had all of that to continue living for. She was an optimist- she appreciated life...me-I have had an anxiety disorder my whole life and have struggled just to be content at times... WHY HER???? WHY? My anger and sorrow at times are so strong I just feel like it would be best for me to leave everyone I know...move away...not tell anyone where I'm going...maybe it would make it easier for all of them, and maybe for me. If you are taking the time to read this, I thank you, and I know that I am not the only one who is experiencing the loss of a sibling. I hope that it helps to talk to some of you who are experiencing the same emotions as I am.
Jessica, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. She sounds like a really wonderful person and was well loved. When my brother died a month ago, I actually felt guilty too. He was younger and although neither of us had children, I felt like he still had the chance to create a family. You did all you could to be there with your sister and you did speak/text to her on Thursday. I wish I had the answers to the WHY. I even said it aloud when I touched my brother in the casket, "Why did it have to be you?" There must be a reason that you are still here - your life is worthy, too. Just think about the pain it would cause your parents to lose 2 children. I read recently that one of the best ways to honor the dead is to celebrate their memory and live life fully. I know it's hard to see the light right now, but I can say that the act of sharing my feelings has made today slightly better. I hope it brings you comfort that we understand and will be thinking of you. Take care
Jessica, I am so very sorry to hear about your sister. I lost my brother, who is only 1.5 years younger then me, in early May, from a horrific tragedy, and to make it worse, he died the day after his 34th birthday. I am still grieving pretty bad and feel like I cant get through it at times. He leaves behind 6 children under the age of 11 :( Anyhow, just wanted to tell you I feel your pain of losing a close sibling who has children. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I am so sorry to learn of your loss. I lost my beautiful sister Lisa on November 7, 2013. She was my best friend and we were very close like you were to your sister. I still feel a huge hole in my heart and cry often. But my faith has helped however this is still the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I too ask "why Lisa?" She was a mom, a wife-why would she contract the horrible cancer that robbed her of her life? In the end she could not walk or talk as she was on a ventilator. This was someone who was so full of life.
I think you should really think about making any major decisions about moves and things now. They say you should not make any major changes after such a trauma. I think the first year is so hard. Please know site is great for expressing your emotions and everyone is a great help.
Thank you all for your replies. I greatly appreciate it. My heart goes out for all of you and what you are experiencing, as I really know how you are feeling. It is hard to see how my life with be without Denise. She brought me so much joy. She gave me hope for a better life as I saw what she had and was so happy. I miss her laugh. I miss seeing her with her kids, and how they loved her so much. I still seems so unfair.
I wanted to let you all know that I have been going to compassionate friends meetings and it has been helpful. This is a national chapter, so there are meetings all over the country. Has anyone else gone to these?