Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by linda wilkie on April 11, 2011 at 12:22am

hi christy, my name is linda. i don't want to say i know what your goining through, because iam not sure what i amgoing through. this is so hard, i don't know if i am coming or going.  i lost my husband don 3/26/11 and i am still trying to wake up from this dream. we just started to enjoy ourselves ,both retired due to disablities, kids grown,enjoying the grandkids,making plans to travel,then he gets 4thstage lung cancer 6/09 went threoug all the cemo and radation and low and behold he went into remishion. we thought our prayers were answered. at that time my mom was liveing with us,she was so greatful that don beet it. my mom had to go to diealisis three times a week , was leagely blind, could not walk on her own, but my donnie took care of her and me.in february mom went in the hospital, she never came home and we lost her june 27,10. long story short dons' cancer came back only this time it was allover. he fought so hard  .he was still waiting on me when i couldn't walk telling me he was ok. he was doing so good thenon the25th he had trouble breathing by 2:30am  i lost him  he was only 55 , and i don"t know what to do without him . so if you and i can help eachother through some of the pain maybe we won"t feel so lost , i hope i can help .

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on April 11, 2011 at 12:51am

Dear Christy, and Linda and Ismael, so terribly sorry for all the heartbreak and suffering of everyone here tonight.  We all have these stories of sadness of loss of our loved ones.  To lose everything that we care about in our lives is the most difficult and challenging thing we will ever go through.  All I can say is to take it one step at a time, one minute, one hour.  Know that you are never alone, God picks you up and supports you through these trying times and your loved ones, well they are right there with you, loving and protecting you.  Be open to it, you will feel your loved one's presence in so many small ways.

 

Please come to the site often if you can.  There are so many people here who understand and can help.

Ismael, you have some beautiful ideas to honor your wife.

Linda, my husband John was 57 with stage 4 colon cancer.  All I know is he is no longer in pain and suffering and for this I am extremely grateful.  I miss him so much my heart breaks every day, but I know he is with me and loving me.

Christy, you have suffered the traumatic death of a loved one.  I would suggest counselling is a must for you right now, to sort out your feelings and your losses.   Please anytime to talk or ask for advice, we are all here.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on April 11, 2011 at 6:23am

Dear Christy,

I am so sorry about your loss.  My husband died suddenly in an auto accident at the age of 55 so I understand that feeling of fear, anxiety and that the rug of your life has been litterly slipped out under you.  I want you to feel free to contact me if you need any help as you work through all of this.  It has been 5 months since my husband died.  I have been on a roller coaster of emotions.  If you are feeling fear, anxiety, deep depression it is completely normal and part of this ugly thing called grieving.  There are a few things that have helped me. 

1. I found a support group for people who have lost a loved one.

2. I found a grief counselor I trusted to go to.

3. I read the books 90 minutes in Heaven, Heaven is 4 Real.

4. I read in the Psalms a lot - especially Psalm 139 and Psalm 91.  I struggled thinking that if only we could have done something different that morning he would still be alive but Psalm 139 was scripture that really helped me accept that this was Dave's time.  I don't like it and if I could change it I would.

5. Let people help you - it is hard to do that (especially if you have always been a strong person and through a lot in life). 

6. Stay persistant in working with your insurance agents assigned to your life insurance if you had that - get their names, document the date you called etc.

7. Notify any creditors and get several copies of the original death certificate and send it to them.  If Michigan we have a law that if the debt is in the spouses' name only they can not go after the surviving spouse. 

8. Take one day at a time - try not to think about the future too much.

9. Go to your doctor and see if they can help you with medication to help relieve some of the anxiety and help you sleep if you need that.

10. Find family and friends that will just let you pour out your heart (even over and over and over) it is therapeutic for us to do that. 

You are not alone.  I have found great comfort in this site knowing others have faced the same feelings of loss as I have and the feelings I have (and you have) are normal with such a significant loss.

My prayers will be with you and feel free to contact me.

Sheryl

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on April 11, 2011 at 6:27am

Hi Linda,

I am so sorry about your loss as well - please see the reply I sent to Christy and know you are in my prayers and I along with other on this site care and understand exactly how you are feeling.

May God bless you today!

Sheryl

linda wilkie said:

hi christy, my name is linda. i don't want to say i know what your goining through, because iam not sure what i amgoing through. this is so hard, i don't know if i am coming or going.  i lost my husband don 3/26/11 and i am still trying to wake up from this dream. we just started to enjoy ourselves ,both retired due to disablities, kids grown,enjoying the grandkids,making plans to travel,then he gets 4thstage lung cancer 6/09 went threoug all the cemo and radation and low and behold he went into remishion. we thought our prayers were answered. at that time my mom was liveing with us,she was so greatful that don beet it. my mom had to go to diealisis three times a week , was leagely blind, could not walk on her own, but my donnie took care of her and me.in february mom went in the hospital, she never came home and we lost her june 27,10. long story short dons' cancer came back only this time it was allover. he fought so hard  .he was still waiting on me when i couldn't walk telling me he was ok. he was doing so good thenon the25th he had trouble breathing by 2:30am  i lost him  he was only 55 , and i don"t know what to do without him . so if you and i can help eachother through some of the pain maybe we won"t feel so lost , i hope i can help .

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on April 11, 2011 at 6:29am

Isamel - I am sorry for your loss - I sent a reply to Christy and just want you to know we all care and are here to encourage each other.

Prayers go with you today!

Sheryl
ismael ruiz said:

Sorry for your loss. This week makes 2 months I lost my wife of being 20 yrs together. We met in high school. She was only 36 and I am 38. We have a 19 yr old and a 13 yr old. It will get worse before it gets better. My wife died under similar circumstancess. Sudden irregular heart rythm known as cardiac arrythmia...she was in perfect health before then. She passed in our home with all us there this past valentines day while my daughter was baking valentine cupcakes. All I can say is use this site..lean on friends and family...I also went into counseling ....its tough but it helps me to believe someday I will have my chance to sit with her again and have that talk on what happened that night...stupid I know. But it keeps me moving. Keep in touch. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by Christy on April 11, 2011 at 7:13am

Sheryl, You are a great friend to all of us here & I wish you a day of peace & well being.

Christy, Linda & Ismael although our backgrounds are varied, our grief is very similar. We all process & evolve through our suffering & sorrow in different ways and at different paces, because that is just how people grow and we are growing. It feels quite the opposite, but the truth is we are growing from this experience & we will be more compassionate, understanding people, with a different perspective when we overcome this & are able to move forward. My very best advice is to focus on the present- don't look to far ahead because that's where anxiety, fear & worry sneak in. I have learned the hard way that potential problems ahead rarely turn out as bad as I feared they might & all the added stress was for nothing. Also, as a Christian, I have found major relief by staying close to God through prayer, reading/studying my bible & keeping in contact with like-minded people who wish me well and are lifting me up. Journaling is another tool to release all the pent up emotions, questions and tasks we are dealing with. We are all very fortunate to have this support group available to us 24/7/365.

My heartfelt prayers & best wishes for each of you & yours. Hugs~ Christy

 

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on April 11, 2011 at 9:09am

Christy, I am so sorry you also have had to join the "widow" club. My husband Neal has been gone 6 months this week and I still feel everything you are going through right now.  We found out that Neal had lung cancer April 2010. By September 10, even with chemo treatments, the cancer had spread to his liver, bones and brain. Then October 15, 2010 the love of my life lost his battle with the dreadful cancer. Neal was only 60 years old and we had been married 40 years.

 

I sorry I have no advise for you, but to tell you that this site has been very helpful for me. I know that there are other people who feel exactly as I do which lets me know that I am not alone. This is a nightmare that you are going through and for me I have not woke up yet.

 

Try to listen to the other people on this site, take away from these people what you can on their advise as their ideas have helped them so maybe it will also help you. I will keep you (and everyone) in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on April 11, 2011 at 9:17am

Linda, I read your post to Christy. My husband also had lung cancer. I lost Neal October 15, 2010 after only being told 5 months earlier that he had cancer. Neal had chemo treatments but it did no good except to make him weak and sick. His cancer also spread to his liver, bones and brain. This week he will have been gone 6 months. It still does not seem real to me. Neal was only 60 years old and we had been married 40 years. This site has been good for me. I am so glad I found it. HUGS

linda wilkie said:

hi christy, my name is linda. i don't want to say i know what your goining through, because iam not sure what i amgoing through. this is so hard, i don't know if i am coming or going.  i lost my husband don 3/26/11 and i am still trying to wake up from this dream. we just started to enjoy ourselves ,both retired due to disablities, kids grown,enjoying the grandkids,making plans to travel,then he gets 4thstage lung cancer 6/09 went threoug all the cemo and radation and low and behold he went into remishion. we thought our prayers were answered. at that time my mom was liveing with us,she was so greatful that don beet it. my mom had to go to diealisis three times a week , was leagely blind, could not walk on her own, but my donnie took care of her and me.in february mom went in the hospital, she never came home and we lost her june 27,10. long story short dons' cancer came back only this time it was allover. he fought so hard  .he was still waiting on me when i couldn't walk telling me he was ok. he was doing so good thenon the25th he had trouble breathing by 2:30am  i lost him  he was only 55 , and i don"t know what to do without him . so if you and i can help eachother through some of the pain maybe we won"t feel so lost , i hope i can help .

Permalink Reply by Christy on April 11, 2011 at 9:41am

Thank you all... and I'm sorry that u all have suffered pain like this.  I do feel comfort that there is a place where ppl at least understand what i'm going thru. 

 

We had only been married 15months, and together 2yrs.  His family is a different religion, and has certain traditions.  We were not, so the funeral planning and all was soooo hard.  But I had to honor HIS wishes.  Everyone said they were ok w/ it, that he looked good, but I can't help worrying about what they really feel.  They have been very supportive, telling me I'm always family, helping me so that has been a blessing.  I am sad that it took losing him, for me to feel a part of his family. 

 

He always said they didn't really know him, didn't understand his views/accept him, and that I was the one person in the world that REALLY KNEW HIM.  The only solace I have is that we were soooo in love, we always told each other our feelings, he always told me he was sooo lucky to have me, how I was his soul mate, how he felt like i was the one person who TRULY loved him for him, understood him, appreciated him.  He was very romantic and would say beautiful things to me all the time.  The night he died we had an amazing night, and he said all sorts of stuff like that.  I am thankful for that gift.  He would tell everyone how he was soo in love, lucky, honored to have me as his wife.  Told everyone we had a healthy relationship, how he never had that and never knew love could be like this.  We were very good for eachother, and I'm glad that he knew REAL love in his last yrs. 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on April 11, 2011 at 9:44am

Dear Christy - I am so very, very sorry for the sudden death of your beloved husband Joe - and both of you are so young (I am a 1958 Baby....). Take care of _you_, grieve and cry ALL YOU WANT TO, but PLEASE do not blame _yourself_ for Joe's death - the mind tends to do the "What If?" thing - "What If I'd done this/that/whatever" - anaphylactic shock is _swift_ - you did _above_ and beyond for your sweetie.

See if there is a local hospice (your Joe need not have been under their care) that has a Bereavement Counselor that would be willing to meet with you.  Many local churches/synagogues/mosques also offer such counseling.

Again - cry, grieve, mourn as much as you need to - most will not understand your devastating loss, your utter heartbreak.  Also - find a younger widows' group, if you can - some widows' groups are oriented to the needs of much older women, which tend to be different than the needs of younger widows.

If you can - have _one_ person who will just _listen_, who will just _sit_ with you as you cry, mourn, grieve, scream, yell (and yes, it is NORMAL to also be ANGRY). It is NORMAL to feel lost, abandoned, scared, anxious - whatever YOU are feeling now, is NORMAL. Do not let ANY family make you feel wrong, abnormal or crazy - if they want to help, then they can make you meals, clean your place, sit with you, take you where you need to go.

My husband died on 29 June 2009, after a long illness - and I STILL cry, at times, in parking lots, in garages, because I miss him so much....he was a 1954 Baby, 55 years old when he died of liver disease.

 

Grace, comfort, healing and blessing be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Jerry on April 11, 2011 at 5:46pm

Sorry to hear of your sudden loss. My wife and Mom passed away in the last year,but it was not unexpected. All I can say is that I keep hearing God will not throw at us what we cant deal with. Try your best to get through these most difficult days without resorting to medications if possible,take it one step at a time. Im cant say it will get easier,but you will survive.God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on April 11, 2011 at 5:46pm

Sorry to hear of your sudden loss. My wife and Mom passed away in the last year,but it was not unexpected. All I can say is that I keep hearing God will not throw at us what we cant deal with. Try your best to get through these most difficult days without resorting to medications if possible,take it one step at a time. Im cant say it will get easier,but you will survive.God bless you.

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