Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by nate eustis on July 2, 2014 at 7:17pm

Dorothy, so sorry for your loss. My Maria & I were married for 34 yrs & together for 39. I lost her Nov 2012 after 50 month battle against Never smokers lung cancer. Like you childless and best friends. I've gone & still going to bereavement groups. I'm still working so that helps occupy my time. I celebrate Maria 'a life & our live every day. It will be 18 months & our 36th yr anniversary this month. Let the pain, tears, sadness, anger or whatever flow through you. I will never heal from my loss but am becoming more accustomed to being alone. But I talk to Maria every day & have had some signs that let me know she 's at peace in Heaven but near me when I need her most. Our Live continues and so will yours. It 's not easy to re-plan your shattered life, but slowly ever so slowly I'm trying. Your in my prayers. The Angeles on the forum will give you great posts.

Permalink Reply by DesertDove on July 2, 2014 at 7:33pm

Hi Dorothy. U came to the right place & u hv my deepest condolences... When I went thru this 2 1/2 yrs ago. I had no emotional support at all. no family where I live
& no adult children either. It was verrry difficult. this site helped me immensely! For me I went to a bereavement class for 6 weeks & that helped. Reading "A Grief observed". by. C S. Lewis helped me a great deal. He was a well known Professor in England has written many books. he wrote Chronicles of Narnia. He got married for the first time at 58 yrs old... only to hv his wife. who was 15 yrs his junior pass away after only 5 yrs of marriage. He ended up raising her 2 young sons. Talking with others who hv been thru this helps a lot No one else can understand. You r so raw right now. but in time getting the focus off of yourself & volunteering helped me...

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on July 2, 2014 at 9:52pm

Thank you so much for your responses. Can I ask how long it was before you went to a bereavement group? My priest suggested I join the one at Church, but I don't feel that I am stable enough yet. Sometimes I'm ok and can talk about his death and other times...WHAM...I feel like I've been sucker punched in the heart and all I can do is cry uncontrollably.

Permalink Reply by janeo on July 2, 2014 at 10:05pm

Dorothy,

I'm so sorry for your lost.  So many wonderful caring angels here who care and want nothing but the best for you. Everyone is here when you need them. So post how you feel it really helps cause we all understand.  Sending prayers and know you are not alone.

Permalink Reply by nate eustis on July 2, 2014 at 10:09pm

Dorothy, my first one was at Cancer Center where Maria first treated. They started a group every so often and it was about 6 wks after she passed. I and the other spouses cried whenever it came on us, but group facilitators who were grief counselors made us feel so safe there that we all supported each other. I did not go to a church sponsored group until my 5th group. I was so made at God initially, was. Not ready for that type of group initially. I now go to ain't holy group through Gilda's Club (Gild's Radnor). But it's for any loss not just spouses. You'll know when your ready. I needed it quickly because I felt it was & it was a very safe place to really talk about how I was feeling, doing & could cry without guilt, because everyone was in the same place.

Permalink Reply by DesertDove on July 3, 2014 at 10:35am

Dorothy. It was about a month & 1/2 before I even found out about the bereavement group before I went... That may be a good time for u to go as well

Permalink Reply by janeo on July 3, 2014 at 5:18pm

Maybe about 4 months I think anyway. I was still in a fog and in shock. But going to one at hospice hwlped me. They also gave me a one on one with a grief cousler for 3 months.

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on July 3, 2014 at 5:20pm

Thank you all for your responses. I am sorry for your losses, as well.

This is a wonderful group and I am so glad I joined.

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on July 3, 2014 at 5:21pm

I picked up his death certificate today...it is all so surreal.

Permalink Reply by janeo on July 3, 2014 at 9:19pm

Dorothy,

That was hard thing too do. But just think you did it. And you should be proud of yourself. Your stronger than you think. That's what everyone told me. I didn't believe them, but it turns out they were right. I had to learn things I never did before Richie did everything. I didn't even how to write checks. But with everyone's help on here taught me how and now I feel more confident doing and trying new things,   I'm still learning how to do things after 41/2 years .And it's ok to fail I did many times. So the advise you get on here is amazing and so true.

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on July 4, 2014 at 4:07pm

Thank you, janeo. I read a quote somewhere that said, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option." That pretty much sums up everything.
Thank you so much for your comforting words and kindness.


janeo said:

Dorothy,

That was hard thing too do. But just think you did it. And you should be proud of yourself. Your stronger than you think. That's what everyone told me. I didn't believe them, but it turns out they were right. I had to learn things I never did before Richie did everything. I didn't even how to write checks. But with everyone's help on here taught me how and now I feel more confident doing and trying new things,   I'm still learning how to do things after 41/2 years .And it's ok to fail I did many times. So the advise you get on here is amazing and so true.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on July 5, 2014 at 5:08am

Dorothy ...  I am so very sorry regarding the loss of your husband.  My husband passed away at age of 65 April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I lost my soul mate, best friend and hero and we were married almost 40 years and knew each other 45 years.  We also had no children and I have a small immediate family; old friends seemed to disappear gradually and only a very few stayed loyal to me.  My whole life felt like a tornado had picked me up, bashed me around and landed me in a foreign land.  I was in a fog-like state for most of the first year and made no major decisions during that time.  The red tape associated with my husband's death (death certificate) banking, etc., left me stunned even more when I had to take his name of anything we were connected in.  I would wrap myself up in his bathrobe and sob for hours, I lost a lot of weight, I wandered around walking the dogs, seeing a few friends, but found no joy in anything and everything reminded me of my beloved so I do know exactly how you feel.  The 2nd year was a slap of reality when I knew for sure that he was never coming back.  I would take 2 steps forward and then without warning it seemed I slid back 10 steps and the fight was on.  We are stronger than we think when we are faced with grief and knowing we can't change anything and bring our spouses back.  We often surprise ourselves at what we are capable of doing, but the hardest part is beginning to invent yourself all over again alone.  It's tough, but it can be done and in my 3rd year of grief I'm fighting to keep his memory going and to find some sort of life for myself and I won't lie and say it's easy because it isn't, but, miracles happen often and our strength never fails.  I am a Christian, but will admit I faltered from it and I'm still fighting to get back my faith as I blamed God for not answering my prayers and taking the loving and sweet man I married away from me, but each day I do get stronger and so will you.

Common symptoms of grief (not everyone gets them or if they do not in the same order) is fog-like states, loss of memory, eating too much or not enough, sleeping too much or not enough, dreams (some good/some bad) aches, pains, stomach problems, lack of self confidence, confusion, frustration and depression.  Grief counseling helps and I tried the hospice grief group and found for me it didn't help, then tried a psychologist and didn't feel much different, but in my 2nd year of grief I found a wonder grief group at a church and I never missed a meeting.  I find I am stronger now although I do have some health issues, still talk to my husband and feel he is still around me giving me strength. 

The angels on this forum are here to pick each other up (including you) when one of us falls and if it weren't for Legacy I don't think I could have made it.  We can express ourselves openly and honestly without fear of judgment and by reading the posts you'll see you are not at all alone with how you are feeling in your grief.  I do hope you will keep posting and leaning on us.

Hugs (because you need one)

Marsha 

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