On the Six Month Anniversary of His Passing

It's been six months ago today that Gary left. I still can't say that he's d**d - can't even think the word. Sometimes I can say to someone that he died, but usually I say he passed away - just as if he was on a raft or a boat and he floated by me and kept going. "Just passed away." Away to what I don't know, and I don't like that he didn't wait for me.

"I must be here for a reason", I sometimes say to myself. But I have no way of knowing if there's any truth to that at all. I've raised my kids, done a few good things for the world - planted some trees, made some excellent meals, created a little art with a lot of photos. I hope I've listened to my friends the way they would like to be heard. I've taken in some strays - both two and four-legged. And I hope I gave Gary the gift of my honest love and total respect the way he deserved and earned it.

When he asked me to marry him instead of "yes" or "no", I said "Oh, don't go there." Nice, huh? But he understood my resistance to marriage, especially to a man recently divorced that hadn't dated anyone else. I finally said yes 2 1/2 months later on Christmas morning 2005. We were married at sunrise, the first day of spring 2006 in a raging snowstorm, standing outside in a favorite spot. It was a Tuesday, I think. Unconventional? Maybe a little. He accepted me and my quirks.

My life is so different without him now. He was my lover, my best friend and my constant companion for six years. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it was a relationship that balanced my life. Unlike my first marriage, I got this one right. He called me his "goddess" and the love of his life. I thought we would grow old together. He had health issues, but he was so lively and smart and funny that it was easy to forget about mortality.

I miss him everyday. I know everyone here misses someone everyday and I wonder what real wisdom there is to be had from our losses. "Time heals all wounds?" - no it doesn't. I'm almost 50 and I haven't learned much, but I've learned that the deeper the hurt, the more likely it is to flare up in strange and unexpected ways. You can think you're much better and then the pain will strike when you least expect it.

I almost don't cry as much as six months ago, but it's a marginal difference. Do we all just go on because our species is hard-wired to do so? Or is there really something tangible to hold on to? Is there a reason to live through all the pain and tears and emptiness so big that it makes my gut hurt? When does the real healing kick in so that I feel like I want to go save the planet, or design the newest "it" thing, or just breath again without choking back tears?

I suffered from depression once before during my first marriage, and rightfully so. I earned it! I was very unhappy in a stale and non-supportive relationship. I got therapy and got divorced. I was "fixed." I was healthy, balanced and successfully single. I ruled my universe! I worked hard to be right in my own skin and then I found a man and a friend that made life exciting and interesting and much more comfortable. A kind and wonderful man that made me a better person than I was before. And I miss that man and that relationship that made my life whole and complete. So I have to ask - when will I feel like contributing to really living again? How is it possible to get from where I am to that accepting place?

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Permalink Reply by Patricia L. Herrera on August 23, 2010 at 9:15am

Good-morning Colleen,
It's six months for you and five months for me on the 22nd of August. I can't believe it's that long already! It seems like only yesterday that my life changed. I can relate to you so much. I too was married before and that marriage was very unhappy. When I met my second husband Ray it was so different. He really showed love, compassion and unity. He was my prince charming. We were married 34 years and he gave me two beautiful children. A son who is 33 and a daughter 26. When I was going through my divorce I never thought of remarrying, let alone really being in love. We shared 34 wonderful years. Now, I'm attending a support group with our local Hospice Organ. It's a six week course, one day a week for an hour and a half. I'm now on my fourth week. I thought I was doing pretty good emotionally but this past week was a hum-dinger. Included in our group this week was four medical students that sat in on our session. We were allowed to ask them questions or tell them of our experiences that we might of had with the medical professionals. Being that my husband died in the hospital while I stepped out of the room for a minute. Left me with questions like, how come they didn't tell me he passed? They just told me that he wanted to see me and that I could go into the room. When I did.....he was gone already!! I was totally shocked and still have questions?? Did he die when they were in there with him and they didn't tell me??? Anyway, this week at the group session was very, very emotional. When I was talking with the medical students I was reliving that day I lost my soul mate. I broke down so terribly. I keep apologizing to my other members in the group. I feel like I'm really going to lose it!! Everyone keeps telling me to start a journal. I really don't feel I can sit and write to my husband without totally falling to pieces. I do love my computer and being on the computer so one of the ladies suggested that I get on the computer and start writing to my guy. I'm gonna give it a try. I can't go on living like this anymore. I want to live the rest of my life with some values and show my other family members that I have not forgotten them. They need me too. Another thing one of the other ladies told me from my group was to think of the word "courage" and see if that will help me to be stronger. I'm sharing this with you Colleen because maybe these suggestions might help you too. We need to stop beating ourselves up and continue living our life to the fullest. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I hope my words and suggestions can help you some. Please keep in touch and lets try to help one another. I will add you to my prayers Colleen. Hope to hear from you soon.

God bless & Hugs!
Pat in Texas

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on August 23, 2010 at 9:22am

Collen my deepest sympathy for your loss. I do not think it will get any easier with time and on the 25 it will be 6 month since my soulmate Fernando passed. I found that I do not cope but just get by with the loss drowing the pain with my children. The time I got left in here is my role as a mother to my children to make their future save.

with lots of hugs

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on August 23, 2010 at 9:28am

patricia: i just read your comment to colleen i think if you feel comfortable in writing a journal then you should try maybe you can get all the anger we have inside us we must try to live our life to the fullest we all have questions that need to be answered but never will for instance we are asking ourself if i did or should i have done would it change things no answer is no me for one asks myself these questions all the time but i know i could not do anything to help george but i can say he did not suffer as far as i know the only thing that keeps bothering me is me hearing him take his last breath i hope he knew i was there for him patricia take care hugs

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 23, 2010 at 9:14pm

COLLEEN,
I TOO, LIKE PATRICIA CAN RELATE TO YOUR STORY.I WAS MARRIED TWICE. THE FIRST HUSBAND OF 15 YEARS WITH TWO CHILDREN WAS VERY UNHAPPY.WHEN WE HAD OUR CHILDREN THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF OUR MARRIAGE AND WITH OUT THEM IT WOULDNT HAVE PROBABLY LASTED AS LONG AS IT DID. THAT MAN WAS VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ME AND MADE MY SELF ESTEEM SO HORRIBLY LOW. HE ENDED OUR MARRIAGE BY LEAVING ME FOR ANOTHER WOMAN WHICH SHATTERED ME. I WAS EXTREMELY DEPRESSED AND STARTED ABUSING ALCHOHOL. I ENDED UP MEETING MY SECOND HUSBAND AT A DIVORCE RECOVEREY GROUP. HE TOLD ME WHEN HE HEARD ME SHARE THAT HE WISHED HE COULD FIND A WOMAN THAT LOVED FROM THE HEART THE WAY I DID.WE SAW EACH OTHER AT THE GROUP AND I REALLY WASNT INTERESTED IN HIM, EXCEPT FOR AS A FRIEND. WE EVEN STOPPED SEEING EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE AS HE STARTED GOING TO A CHRISTIAN BASED DIVORCE SUPPORT GROUP. ANYWAY AFTER ABOUT 6 MONTHS WE STARTED TALKING AGAIN AND BEFORE I KNEW IT WE WERE DATING AND EVENTUALLY FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM. AFTER GETTING TO KNOW THE KIND OF MAN HE WAS I COULDNT HELP BUT LOVE HIM. HE WAS THEIR FOR ME WHEN NOONE ELSE WAS INCLUDING FAMILY. HE TREATED ME LIKE A QUEEN. HE ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING WONDERFUL TO SAY ABOUT ME AND WOULD STICK UP FOR ME TO THE BITTER END. HE STILL INTRODUCED ME AS HIS BRIDE EVEN THOUGH WE WERE MARRIED 10 YEARS. SO I CAN RELATE TO HOW YOU ARE FEELING. I HAVE NEVER HAD A MAN THAT REALLY LOVED ME UNCONDTIONALLY UNTIL ROGER AND IT TOOK ME 42 YEARS TO FIND HIM AND NOW HE IS GONE.MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU I AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

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