Overwhelmed n Sinking!

Another start of a new month! Still feels like I got sucker punched in the gut! I hurt soooo very deeply! I am Praying unceasingly! I am trying to submit to God's will here, but this is tough! It is going on 7 months. The lonliness has to be the worst! I try to stay in Prayer for peace, or keep my mind active, but am sinking faster than I know how to deal with it! No children, young, have heard more times than I can count, and hurl....your sooo young n pretty, you'll marry again! Seriously?.? They obviously have never lost a spouse n bestest friend! It def gets harder as days alone progress. People have all slowly dissipated into their lives. Yes , I have help, but it's always somebodyelses husband!, I have a husband! I want HIM to take care of me! Not anybody else! Sleep...what's that? How long can one cry~constantly? Why did this happen to me? Why when the rest of the world seems to be spinning all around me, I can barely function?.And the fatigue...! WOW! Absolutely no desire, no strength, I Praise God, for giving me each day to endure! I am trusting Him to get me through this, as I have noone else! Everybody says...your not alone! Well I say...Look next to me, do you see anyone here?? I am alone, I wake up alone, I go through the day alone, I fall asleep alone! Just the simple pleasure of human contact...talking with my husband, enjoying a meal together...the simple fact of sitting down and eating with him! Meals...what are they? I eat, when I can force it down, and it is just any old thing. I miss dinners! I miss him looking at me! I miss holding his hand! I miss being loved! I miss it all! Now what, spend everyday, the rest of my life alone and mourninggggggg?.?.?Help Lord please....! Thank You for not leaving me, ever! In the lonely wee hours, I feel You there! Please take this lonliness and pain, in Jesus Name! Amen!

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Permalink Reply by Carinda Mickelsen on November 20, 2012 at 12:27am

Jacky - I'm in month 7 as well. My husband Joe passed away on his birthday, April 14th of this year. He was 63. I'm 49 and we were married for 27 years. He had kidney cancer and they removed one kidney about 3 years ago. By the time they realized the cancer had returned, it was in his spleen, liver and chest. I don't cry every day anymore, but its right there under the surface all the time. Tonight I was at the grocery store and ran into one of Joe's hospice nurses, which of course, has me feeling a bit sad now.

I'm lucky in that I have my 18 yr old son still at home, and we support each other. My oldest son, daughter-in-law and new grandson will be here for Christmas, along with my parents who are staying for a month. My brother lives close by and I have great support from friends and co-workers and I'm very grateful that God has given me so much support.

I "talk" to Joe often in my head, which of course is no substitute for having him here with me. I miss not having our little talks every day after work, having dinner, going to a movie and just sitting in the same room. I too feel like its not fair - but then I think about that old saying - "God never gives you more than you can handle" and I know there are so many reasons I'm still here.

I will pray for all of you and hope that you find some peace as the holidays draw near. This is probably the best place for all of us to visit and help each other.