I am 29 years old, I have tooken care of my mom for the last 4 years, Feburary 7th 2011 I found my mother passed away... I scream at night cause when I close my eyes thats what I see.. People keep telling me you need to move on blah blah blah... I have so many emotions that are going through my body I dont know when I want to laugh Cry or SCREAM, nobody understands how im feeling right now.. I cant move on she was my life my everything.. I am so lost with out her.. I just need someone to talk to.. please help me...

Thank you...

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Hi Jolene,

You are not alone you know.  There are so many on these boards who feel as you do.  Lost, alone, and sadness that cannot be measured while we go on with our lives, try to be "normal" (whatever that means) and adjust ourselves to this enormous change in our lives that we fight against (in my case) every day.

Acceptance is slow for me.  My Dad passed away November 29, 2010.  Then on March 23, 2011 I received the shock of my life finding out that my Mom passed away in her sleep.  She was 68 years old, not "old" by today's standards.

She did have alot of chronic conditions which set her up to pass this way, Sleep Apnia for one and also emphazema among other things, but it was still a shock while grieving for my Dad.  The last thing I expected to happen.  Maybe a few or even one year from now.  But NOT NOW.

I live a very isolated life and don't have friends that I can call at anytime, which is my fault by the way because I could have friends if I went out more.

I'm extremly lucky to have a sister just one year older than me, who is going through this grieving process with me in her extremley busy life. So, when I can't call her I sometimes visit these boards and just read posts, rarly do I strike up conversations (shy).

When I saw your post I just had to let you know that I feel just the way you described in your post alot of the time, but now I'm catching glimpses of hope that I can go on.  Mostly because of time, and reading this forum where I realize I'm not alone.  Then I count my blessings and "Thank God" for the internet.

You take care and you only have to get through TODAY remember that.

I'll be watching for your posts.

Sincerley,

Liz

Dear Jolene.

 

My heart hurts for you as I read your post. I am so very sorry for the deep suffering you are feeling since your mom went to her eternal home. Being her care taker adds an additonal loss to your life. You have not just lost your dear mom, but also one of your purposes in your life, as you took care of her. That is alot for your heart to carry.

 

The different emotions that you feel are all very normal. For me, sometimes I would have so many emotions at one time, I felt like I was going crazy. I am so sorry for all the dreams you are having also, I pray that they will soon stop. I would try to force myself to focus on the good memories, and eventually the dreams did go away.

 

Are there any types of support groups for grieving people in your area? If so, they are so helpful, for those people too are grieving, and will understand. Also this website. I am proud of you for reaching out for help, this is a good first step in your journey of grief. We may be miles apart physically, but in our hearts we all share the common ground of sharing a loss of someone very dear to us.

 

Do you have other family members or close friends?

 

My heart truly hurts for your heart & I will be keeping you in my prayers. Try to take your days one moment at a time and not look at the big picture. I pray you will be able to remember all the good times you shared with her. Though bittersweet now, they in time, will help you to heal.

 

I hope you will keep sharing on here.

Praying for you,

Julie S

Yes...I felt the same way when I lost my dad...Scream scream scream....I would not, could not, move on!!!! I was frozen for a long time...when I broke through the wall of saddness I found he never left me!   Heart of his Heart... Soul of his Soul!!! Now Mom passed last year...she said, Don't you cry now...don't you cry...go on and live life the same...in time we will all be together in the house of the Lord...I am keeping house in the sky!  With every step you take with every breath you take, you are one more step closer to seeing her again...MY WHOLE LIFE! MY HEART! MY SOUL! MY BEST FRIENDS...ARE GONE!!! IT SUCKS!!!

I feel your pain...never let go...instead embrace the love you have for your Mom...hold it in your HEART FOREVER... live every moment for her...she will always travel with you!!! you are not alone!

Hello, Jolene:

My mother died nearly six years ago now and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and want to cry.  There is a very special relationship between mothers and daughters that a lot of people don't understand.  I think it's the most complex relationship in humanity, don't you?  When my mom died, my husband was expecting me to grieve the way he would if his mother died.  He was really surprised when I went into my shell for nearly a year, full of love for the woman who had inspired so many mixed feelings in me.  I thought he'd understand because at that time I thought everyone knew about mothers and daughters!

 

Mothers are the ones who gave us life, they've known us longer than anyone.  In a sense we ARE them, no matter how hard we daughters try to be different.  So when you say "she was my life my everything," I think that's what you are describing.  Perhaps, a part of you died, too.  I know a part of me died with my mother, but in my case it was a literal death.  I developed a life-threatening illness when my body destroyed all my blood platelets--in one hospital while my mother was dying in another.  They never found a cause, but I know that part of me was dying too, when my mom did.

 

Now you can chalk all that up to some unknown person on a message board, but I only offer it because I think I can sense the devastation you are feeling.  I think I know that devastation, too.  And all I can say is to experience it fully.  Yes, don't try to "get over it," like many will tell you.  Experience it fully and let the sadness envelop you for a while.  It's okay.  This is life.  Sure, life is all the happiness, but it is all the sadness, too.  Until you have known both in equal measure, you have not fully lived.  Take your time and "getting over it" will happen naturally in a way that is most healing for you.

 

It's easy to return to the place where you saw your mother last.  I did it for a long time, but then my daughter--yes my own child--was the one who said the one thing that made me stop going back.  She said, "Mom, Nana's not there anymore.  She's not in the hospital bed where you keep going.  And she wouldn't want you to keep going back to that place to visit her."  So that's when I found a different place I could visit her.  I close my eyes and visit her around the kitchen counter when I want to feel her around me.  I visit her on the telephone and just hear her voice sometimes.  I visit her on Christmases and her birthday, imagining all the ceremony and tradition she loved so much.  And she believed in heaven, so I try to imagine her there sometimes, so happy and loved.  My daughter was right.  My mother hated hospitals and wouldn't want me to keep going there.  I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you to visit her on that last frightening day, either.  There were so many days she would rather share with you.  I'll bet it would break her heart to know you were suffering so.

 

My heart knows your sorrow, Jolene, and I know that in time you will feel free to laugh AND cry AND scream AND grieve the mother who made you who you are.  Just remember, she is free now.  And your heart will someday be, too.  For me, I worked through my grief by writing a book to help others.  If you like books, you might look it up.  It's called Finding Frances because of what I FOUND while being with my mother in her last days, not what I lost.  

 

Best regards,

 

Janice Van Dyck

Hello Jolene,

I just lost my mother to cancer on June 23, 2011; she was 52, and I am 30 years old. I was there for her final two weeks, helping my father care for her, and was at her bedside when she passed away. I'm experiencing similar emotions (aka, a lot of different ones) as you are, and there are times I want to cry and I can't. Please know you aren't the only one going through this. I hope we can get through these tough times together.

Regards,

Gina

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