Removing my wedding ring.....

Was hoping to get a little advice. I have many people tell me that I need to remove my wedding ring, or find another way of wearing it (ie. changing hands, or have it made into another piece of jewerly. "they" say that the only way for me to "move on", to find a way to move passed my grief is to make a concious effort to change my thinking from a married woman to a single one (or widow...still can't get used to that). I just can't do it. They are a part of me. My husband gave me both my wedding and engagement ring as a sign of our love and commitment. That love and commitment remains, it will always remain, so I don't think I should or could remove them. I am a strong believer in what marriage means, what commitment means. I made a promise to him. Aside from that promise, I love looking at them, feeling them on my fingers. They are a constant reminder of a better time. Right now, I do not view my life as something worth being in but those rings, those memories, are all I have left. I need to hold onto those because without those memories, I have nothing. He is my husband, he will always be my husband, whether he is here or not. I have been told this is nothing but denial and is hindering me from beginning to heal. Am I completely crazy?? or am I justified in wanting to just stop listening to all that think they know what this is like, even though they have never "been here"..

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Permalink Reply by Linda G. on May 19, 2011 at 8:21am

As for myself, I will never take off my rings. When Neal and I got married it was for better or worse until death do us part. I will always be married to Neal until I too pass away. So far no one has suggested to me that I take them off. I guess they know if they did, I would probably go belistic. The councelor I went to when Neal first passed told me on my first visit I should go through his things and remove them. This was just a little over a month after Neal passed. I saw her about 4 or 5 times and everytime she told me the same thing. I finally quit going to her. I may be depressed, devastated and not know who I am now, but no one is going to tell me what to do or when to remove Neals things.

For some people it is right to remove their spouses things or give them away and for others we might not ever do that. It is a personal choice, what ever seems right for you. That is what you should do.

I read somewhere that after a death, you should not make any major decisions for at least a year. I have thought about what I should do with some of Neal's things like his boat, our jeep we kept at the beach and our beach place. But I just am not ready to do anything about them. My sons have been so good as they tell me whatever I want to do they will be behind me all the way. So for now I don't do anything. So everyone just do what is in your heart and you will do the right thing. HUGS

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on May 19, 2011 at 12:38pm

TESS: I AGREE WITH YOU YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR RING INTO ANOTHER PIECE OF JEWELRY WHEN GEORGE PASSED I WAS NOT GOING TO BURY HIM WITH HIS WEDDING RING I DECEIDED I WILL KNOWING THAT WE EXCHANGED RINGS AT OUR WEDDING THIS IS THE SIGN OF LOVE WE HAD. MY WEDDING BAND DOES NOT FIT ME IT REALLY DEPENDS IF MY FINGER IS SWOLLEN OR NOT WHEN IT IS NOT IT FITS BUT WHAT I AM THINKING OF IS PUTTING IT ON A CHANG AND PUTTING IT AROUND MY NECK THIS WAY I HAVE HIM CLOSE TO MY HEART I WILL NEVER MAKE MY RING INTO ANOTHER PIECE OF JEWELRY FOR NO ONE THIS IS A COMMITMENT THAT REMAINS WITHIN ME AND I AM AT PEACE KNOWING GEOROGE WAS BURIED WITH PART OF ME BECAUSE I SLIPPED THAT RING ON HIS FINGER YOU DO WHAT YOU BELEIVE IN AND DO NOT I MEAN DONOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on May 19, 2011 at 2:50pm

Hi to all, I wear my wifes ring around my neck on a chain and will never take it off. I had lost three of my wedding rings going swimming thru the years. LouAnn finally bought me a ring a few years back and it turned out that I am allergic to silver. Never wore it. After she died suddenly(and i use the word died) my g-son was so worried about me and honered, he has my ring on a chain. Bless his heart. In some cases the spouse will melt the ring down and have it shaped into another, like a heart or something. I will never do that. But it is up to us. Remember people, its our decision. What we do or dont do is our choice. We live with what we do or dont do. Afterall, its the reality. We have reality, no matter what. I am sorry that we are here but we DO care and understand. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on May 19, 2011 at 2:53pm

To Chicago Beard, you are so right about the words in that Ricky Nelson song "Garden Party". How true that comes to light because of what we are going thru with the loss of our spouse. You Must Please Yourself.

Permalink Reply by Tess on May 19, 2011 at 3:14pm

Thank you all for all of your opinions. I am one who normally holds every bit of emotion in. I have been doing everything I can to get past these emotions and feelings all by myself, and I have to say it is totally overwhelming. I am a complete control freak in the sense that I need to feel like I am strong enough to handle it all. While my husband was in the hospital (he was there for 3+ months w/ a bone marrow transplant and Graft v. Host), I wouldn't let anyone help me. Through his time at home, only the hospice nurses were the only ones to help....I have always had this need for not admitting weakness, letting myslef know that I could do it, was a must. Even at work, I didn't let any of my coworkers know (other than my boss who had to). I only see them once every couple of weeks (we work very independently) and I just knew I couldn't handle all of the questions and the infamous looks that we all have gotten. Now, I realize, doing this by myself is just not an option. Everything I have held in for the past year has totally consumed me and there is nothing left. I have no desire to continue on life's journey, except for the fact that I have my wonderful children, who need me more than ever. I made a promise to my husband to make sure they grow up happy and safe. I can't break that promise. So even though, I feel like giving up at least a couple of times a day....I know that is not an option.

Anyway, sorry I am rambling...I seem to do that more and more. thank you so much for your opinion on this topic. People I have talked to here believe I am unrealistic to think that that I will never take them off, that my saying that he is my husband, and always will be, is just a way of not allowing myself to heal. I totally disagree. I think it is a way of honoring the love we had and will always have. I know there are people who "move on", have other relationships, and even remarry....I have had my husband and I was so very lucky to have had him even if it was only for our 12 years together. I will love and honor him until the day I die. He was the most wonderful man I have ever and will ever meet and am so lucky to call him my husband---as yes, I will be a Mrs. always, too. I am honored to have that title.

Permalink Reply by Linda C on May 19, 2011 at 8:15pm

Hi Tess.... everyone here is right. It is completely YOUR choice. Don't let anyone tell you when the time is right. Guess what? When you do think the time is right and take it off, you may change your mind down the line and put it back on. Who is to say what is right or wrong? I didn't remove mine until Gary had been gone 9 months. I went without any rings at all for about 2 days. I felt naked. Then I put on the cocktail ring he got me for Christmas... the last Christmas he spent on earth. I now have that on my left hand and I put my wedding ring on my right hand. And if I want to switch them around? Guess whose decision that would be? Yep you got it!

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on May 19, 2011 at 8:29pm

Amen to all of you! Love the concluding note - "you can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself". Those well intending people with all this great advice should start wearing duct tape on their mouths.

I have a quote in my office "A closed mouth never gathers any feet". I also love "It is better to remain silent and let others think you are stupid then to open your mouth and convince them it is true." I think along with wearing our wedding rings or our spouse's ring/s on a chain around our necks we need to have these signs with us at all times and hold them up when people say such ridiculous stuff to us. I'd love to see their jaws drop.....

1. Don't believe them when they say is there anything we can do.... (at least most - there really are some people who are sincere).

2. Be willing to make new friends.

3. Hire someone to get the job done if you can afford it - it saves you the pain of being let down by empty promises.

4. Do what is right for you - don't feel that you have to rush to clean out your spouses belongings or take off your wedding rings, etc.

5.Feel free to vent to us - we get it and care and most of all we do know how it feels...may blessings come to all of you.

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on May 20, 2011 at 3:11pm

Tess,

My advice is simple and will sound like what many others will say or have said, "Only you know what will work and is best for you!". I know you truly and deeply love your husband and those rings serve as a symbol of that love. Most people fail to realize the love lives on long after the physical being is gone. When my Rosie could no longer wear her rings on her fingers, first because she would hurt herself when seizing then because they were to large for her fingers, she wore them proudly on a chain. I now keep that chain, her medic alert chain and bracelet, and her rings on my nightstand.

I do not think there is a set time for anything to happen to hasten our mourning and grieving. I, also, think anyone that tells you otherwise is clueless and heartless.

Permalink Reply by Christy on May 22, 2011 at 11:58pm

I know how you feel... although my husband hadn't been gone very long, I can't ever imagine not wearing my wedding ring. I only had one (big sapphire) didn't want the set, as first ring is big. It is part of me, part of US! I have a necklace charm that holds his wedding ring that I wear all the time. I know he's gone, but the wound is fairly fresh... (still not used to the widow thing either)

I can't imagine not wearing it, but maybe some day, if I ever want to date again (I'm only 37) then I guess I'd wear on the other hand. I LOVE MY RING, it's gorgeous, and even if it ever becomes "not my wedding ring" I can't see not wearing it.

Everyone deals w/ their loss in a different way, at "THEIR OWN PACE" so if you're simply not ready to stop wearing it, or change the way you wear it then DON'T!!! Who cares what "they think/say" when and if they ever face this hell, they can deal with it how they want!

hang tough!