My dear wife of 35 years passed away 15 months ago. Recently I have been asked twice by different people if I am dating or seeing anyone. I just say a quick no and change the subject. Just wonder if as time goes on people will think of me as strange if I dont go out and try to meet someone. Sometimes I just wish people would mind their own business. I am sure no harm was meant by the questions,maybe they are concerned that I may be lonely.  I just feel that no one could take my wifes place,and I surely could never feel the same about anyone as I did for her.

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Floss, I understand your feelings. I can't help thinking of my father-in-law, though, who was married to my mother-in-law for 32 years when she passed away of cancer. About 10 years later he became reacquainted with a nurse from one of his hospital stays and after a few years of dating they married. He kept telling me he could not believe his good fortune to have received such strong love twice let alone once. So even though at the moment the idea is distasteful for you, never say never. The heart wants what it wants regardless of the logic.

Yes, I know, and it is great that your father-in-law, found love again.  I know what you mean.

 



Chicago Beard said:

Floss, I understand your feelings. I can't help thinking of my father-in-law, though, who was married to my mother-in-law for 32 years when she passed away of cancer. About 10 years later he became reacquainted with a nurse from one of his hospital stays and after a few years of dating they married. He kept telling me he could not believe his good fortune to have received such strong love twice let alone once. So even though at the moment the idea is distasteful for you, never say never. The heart wants what it wants regardless of the logic.
I have decided its time to speak up for myself. My dear Bill has been gone almost 16 months now and the days are getting longer and longer and I hate making everyone around me miserable with my sadness and depression. I have started reaching out for new relationships and have managed to find a couple of nice gentlemen that I have shared a couple meals with. Right or wrong for some, I have to say it feels good to find myself laughing again. If my Bill had not reached out after he lost his first wife of 57 years we would not have had the wonderful blessed 5 years we had together. My family knows me and feels this is a good thing and comment on how nice it is to see me smile again. It doesn't take away from how much I loved Bill or how much I miss him still, but I did not die with him. I am still alive and God willing will have alot of years ahead and can't imagine the pain of living them totally alone forever. I don't plan to remarry but I am reminded not to limit My God and his plans for me either. Right now I am just moving forward making new friends and it feels good. I hope everyone can find whats right for them. We have all gone this journey and each react differently to many aspects. Let's don't close doors..
Kathy I'm so happy for you and I agree it feels good to laugh and have someone to enjoy life with. We can't be afraid to move forward if it feels right. Hugs

Kathy ...

 

I am so pleased you are getting on with your life and I agree with you ... we are alive and deserve comfort without feeling we are betraying the spouse we have lost.  My husband Ernie passed away April 27 and I am not looking for anyone to fill his shoes and not ready either, but I do know that I would like to go through life with someone eventually if lucky.

 

Kathy King said:

I have decided its time to speak up for myself. My dear Bill has been gone almost 16 months now and the days are getting longer and longer and I hate making everyone around me miserable with my sadness and depression. I have started reaching out for new relationships and have managed to find a couple of nice gentlemen that I have shared a couple meals with. Right or wrong for some, I have to say it feels good to find myself laughing again. If my Bill had not reached out after he lost his first wife of 57 years we would not have had the wonderful blessed 5 years we had together. My family knows me and feels this is a good thing and comment on how nice it is to see me smile again. It doesn't take away from how much I loved Bill or how much I miss him still, but I did not die with him. I am still alive and God willing will have alot of years ahead and can't imagine the pain of living them totally alone forever. I don't plan to remarry but I am reminded not to limit My God and his plans for me either. Right now I am just moving forward making new friends and it feels good. I hope everyone can find whats right for them. We have all gone this journey and each react differently to many aspects. Let's don't close doors..

I just wanna say it's only been  a month ago that the love of my life and father to our five young children died, and I'm truly devastated. I can't begin to imagine life with another man at all. With tears in my eyes at this very moment I have to say with the pain of loosing my first everything, I am soooo fearful that this will happen again. I am only 35 and have children all under 18, there is no way I will ever marry again,but I also fear living the rest of my life alone. I never want to experience this kind of pain again. I am so afraid of this happening again that I have even begged the lord to take me to be with my husband, but I know I have to be a strong mom and raise our kids the way my husband would want me to.

You are so new to this devastation and thats what it is. I'm pretty sure we all have wanted to die when we lost our spouses i know i did. I was with my husband 32 yrs. and you are so right who would want to go thru this pain again no one that i know would not even me.That being said I am in a new relationship after 2 yrs,it is so nice to enjoy things again and as Kathy said it doesn't mean we love our spouses any less.I have thought about the possibilty of experiencing the loss again.I am willing to chance it because I like feeling alive again and to laugh and have someone special to be there to share life with again.As horrific as the thought is sometimes the risk is worth taking.As we know we are not promised tomorrow. I have been blessed with happiness again will continue to make memories. Hugs   

Devastated woman said:

I just wanna say it's only been  a month ago that the love of my life and father to our five young children died, and I'm truly devastated. I can't begin to imagine life with another man at all. With tears in my eyes at this very moment I have to say with the pain of loosing my first everything, I am soooo fearful that this will happen again. I am only 35 and have children all under 18, there is no way I will ever marry again,but I also fear living the rest of my life alone. I never want to experience this kind of pain again. I am so afraid of this happening again that I have even begged the lord to take me to be with my husband, but I know I have to be a strong mom and raise our kids the way my husband would want me to.

I am so very sorry for your loss and my husband passed away April 27th 2011 and I know the pain (as we all do) and the fear of the future.  There are wonderful free Grief Counseling groups (phone your mental health) and I have just joined one where I live and it helps to be around others who are in the same position as you are. You are stronger than you think and you will raise your five children, but trust in the fact that sometime in the future you will have a life once again although there will be no one that can ever replace your one true love. It is difficult having the children around so once they are bed have 'shower cries' so they can't hear you and cry all you want because that is part of dealing with the grief.  Lean on family and friends and if you are religious then rely on your faith and know that there is help here for you. We are all at different stages of grieving; our lives may be different as far as having children or not (I do not and this makes me feel even more alone) but blessed with good family and friends.  Lean on me if you like.

 


Devastated woman said:

I just wanna say it's only been  a month ago that the love of my life and father to our five young children died, and I'm truly devastated. I can't begin to imagine life with another man at all. With tears in my eyes at this very moment I have to say with the pain of loosing my first everything, I am soooo fearful that this will happen again. I am only 35 and have children all under 18, there is no way I will ever marry again,but I also fear living the rest of my life alone. I never want to experience this kind of pain again. I am so afraid of this happening again that I have even begged the lord to take me to be with my husband, but I know I have to be a strong mom and raise our kids the way my husband would want me to.

Thank you so much Virginia, I am really trying to look toward the future right now, but this is so new for me and very devastating, I feel so selfish for wanting god to take me with him every day so far, however I am praying that I will get stronger soon so that i can focus on raising our babies. It's nice to hear that you have been able to find happiness in another again, I pray one day maybe I will too.

Virginia said:
You are so new to this devastation and thats what it is. I'm pretty sure we all have wanted to die when we lost our spouses i know i did. I was with my husband 32 yrs. and you are so right who would want to go thru this pain again no one that i know would not even me.That being said I am in a new relationship after 2 yrs,it is so nice to enjoy things again and as Kathy said it doesn't mean we love our spouses any less.I have thought about the possibilty of experiencing the loss again.I am willing to chance it because I like feeling alive again and to laugh and have someone special to be there to share life with again.As horrific as the thought is sometimes the risk is worth taking.As we know we are not promised tomorrow. I have been blessed with happiness again will continue to make memories. Hugs   

Devastated woman said:

I just wanna say it's only been  a month ago that the love of my life and father to our five young children died, and I'm truly devastated. I can't begin to imagine life with another man at all. With tears in my eyes at this very moment I have to say with the pain of loosing my first everything, I am soooo fearful that this will happen again. I am only 35 and have children all under 18, there is no way I will ever marry again,but I also fear living the rest of my life alone. I never want to experience this kind of pain again. I am so afraid of this happening again that I have even begged the lord to take me to be with my husband, but I know I have to be a strong mom and raise our kids the way my husband would want me to.

Thank you Marcy, I feel so good knowing I am not the only one in the world going through this same pain. I am still feeling like I want to be with my husband but I am praying daily to make me stronger. I thank you for reaching out to me with your comment, and it's good to know that there are support groups and counseling out there so I have found one in my area and looking forward to talking more with those who can understand what I'm feeling. Thank you for reaching out to me.

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

I am so very sorry for your loss and my husband passed away April 27th 2011 and I know the pain (as we all do) and the fear of the future.  There are wonderful free Grief Counseling groups (phone your mental health) and I have just joined one where I live and it helps to be around others who are in the same position as you are. You are stronger than you think and you will raise your five children, but trust in the fact that sometime in the future you will have a life once again although there will be no one that can ever replace your one true love. It is difficult having the children around so once they are bed have 'shower cries' so they can't hear you and cry all you want because that is part of dealing with the grief.  Lean on family and friends and if you are religious then rely on your faith and know that there is help here for you. We are all at different stages of grieving; our lives may be different as far as having children or not (I do not and this makes me feel even more alone) but blessed with good family and friends.  Lean on me if you like.

 


Devastated woman said:

I just wanna say it's only been  a month ago that the love of my life and father to our five young children died, and I'm truly devastated. I can't begin to imagine life with another man at all. With tears in my eyes at this very moment I have to say with the pain of loosing my first everything, I am soooo fearful that this will happen again. I am only 35 and have children all under 18, there is no way I will ever marry again,but I also fear living the rest of my life alone. I never want to experience this kind of pain again. I am so afraid of this happening again that I have even begged the lord to take me to be with my husband, but I know I have to be a strong mom and raise our kids the way my husband would want me to.

I just know how you are feeling, the first few months are the worst ever, It was a like knife had been cut through my heart.  Even now thinking of my soulmate, it hurts, twelve months down the track.  I am alone and that is the worst ever.  I have joined a lot of groups to keep me busy, and am beginning to feel sought of sane.  I still have sessions with my therapist, as she is the only one I can talk to and feel comfortable, with. However, my mind is still a blurr, I get so forgetful, and I hate that, my doctor says it is part of grieving. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I dont want to go through this again.  I wish I lived close by, I would visit you, and listen, I pray that each day, will be a wee better.  Just cry when you want, its all part of healing. lots of hugs for you and your babies.

 



Devastated woman said:

Thank you so much Virginia, I am really trying to look toward the future right now, but this is so new for me and very devastating, I feel so selfish for wanting god to take me with him every day so far, however I am praying that I will get stronger soon so that i can focus on raising our babies. It's nice to hear that you have been able to find happiness in another again, I pray one day maybe I will too.

Virginia said:
You are so new to this devastation and thats what it is. I'm pretty sure we all have wanted to die when we lost our spouses i know i did. I was with my husband 32 yrs. and you are so right who would want to go thru this pain again no one that i know would not even me.That being said I am in a new relationship after 2 yrs,it is so nice to enjoy things again and as Kathy said it doesn't mean we love our spouses any less.I have thought about the possibilty of experiencing the loss again.I am willing to chance it because I like feeling alive again and to laugh and have someone special to be there to share life with again.As horrific as the thought is sometimes the risk is worth taking.As we know we are not promised tomorrow. I have been blessed with happiness again will continue to make memories. Hugs   

Devastated woman said:

I just wanna say it's only been  a month ago that the love of my life and father to our five young children died, and I'm truly devastated. I can't begin to imagine life with another man at all. With tears in my eyes at this very moment I have to say with the pain of loosing my first everything, I am soooo fearful that this will happen again. I am only 35 and have children all under 18, there is no way I will ever marry again,but I also fear living the rest of my life alone. I never want to experience this kind of pain again. I am so afraid of this happening again that I have even begged the lord to take me to be with my husband, but I know I have to be a strong mom and raise our kids the way my husband would want me to.

My heart breaks for you.  My husband died 7 months ago and I remember so clearly those intense feelings of grief, anxiety and fear that were constantly present.  I am older then you by 20 years and my children are grown up (although I do help raise my 9 year old grand-daughter and 11 year old grandson with my son since my daughter in law died unexpectedly almost 6 years ago and they both have cystic fibrosis which requires a lot of medical treatments, etc).  You are only 35 and have 5 children dependant on you and they are also grieving the loss of their father.  This is a huge burden to bear for you - you have every right to cry, and you need to cry.  I want you to know though that each day will get a little easier (when I say little - I mean little) - some days you will actually feel like you can almost function fairly well and other days you will feel like you are right back at square one and an emotional basket case.  This is the process of grief.  Please take care of yourself - allow others to help you when they offer, hug your children often - it is good for you and them as you work through this loss. 

I think when we first begin this journey we are a little numb and do not fully comprehend what just  happened.  Emotions are raw and fear is great.  I remember having such a huge knot in my stomach fearing what tomorrow may bring, worrying about how I could ever go on without my husband, hating the title "widow" and fearful of being "single" and problems that come with that, dealing with insurance, changing all the financial banking stuff, money, bills, etc. 

Here are the things I did that helped me: Walked nearly everyday with the dog, took about 6 weeks off from work, found a support group, found a grief counselor, talked often with a friend or relative that was a good listener and wanted to comfort me, allowed myself to cancel going to an event if it was a day I couldn't keep it together emotionally, etc. In those 6 weeks I had to face my first birthday without a loving card from my husband, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It was so hard to go to any store and hear Christmas songs, doing Christmas shopping, etc.  It is important that you give yourself permission to do what you feel strong enough to do and not what everyone thinks you should do.....  No one knows exactly what this is like for you but all of us that belong to the support group have and still are going through many of the same emotions and challenges that you are or have gone through and understand. I also went to my doctor to let her know about the intense anxiety, trouble sleeping, etc. She gave me medication to help me get the rest I needed and to help with the anxiety.  I work in the medical profession and know that it isn't good to continue on these medications long term however I also know that lack of sleep and intense anxiety over time can cause problems with our health too. I was careful to use these medications only when needed and today I don't use anything. 

I know that today I can function fairly well for the most part, I have been back to work, and have less anxiety and sleep better.  Many of the things I feared in those early days didn't happen or everything worked out okay.  I think the most important thing that helped me is praying and having others praying for me.  Reading Psalm 139, 91, 34, etc.  I also journal my thoughts and sometimes write our a prayer to God or write a note to my husband just to share how much I love and miss him and also thank him for all the things he has done through the years.  Father's Day was also his birthday - the first I had to go through since he died.  It was very hard for me - I wrote a thank you letter to my husband on that day (I added it as a blog on my page).  These things are therapeutic for me. 

Try not to worry about what the future holds or what you should do regarding starting a relationship.  I think we all feel that it would be very difficult to begin any relationship with someone else.  I know that it has been said that we should never try to fill the void with someone else right away - if we do that, it usually ends up being a disaster.  For me, right now I am not comfortable with the thought of a relationship and since I still need to work through my grief, it probably wouldn't be good for someone else to have to bear this with me.....  I have said I don't think I could ever re-marry and I still pretty much feel that way, but I think I need to just take one day at a time and not worry about things like that right now - I continue to ask God for wisdom and guidence and for His perfect will for my life.  If He wants me in a relationship again someday - I know He will also bring healing to my heart and help me to have a welcoming mind set to that change when the time is right.  For you - my advice would be the same - don't borrow tomorrow's sorrows - just get through this day and ask God for His comfort, love, wisdom, provisions and peace, then repeat, repeat, repeat as many times as needed to get you through that day.

I hope you have a better day today and that each day will get a little better.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and so many that are facing such a huge heartache in this group. May God bless you and send you the help you need and bring you sweet peace and comfort.

Sheryl

Devastated woman said:

I just wanna say it's only been  a month ago that the love of my life and father to our five young children died, and I'm truly devastated. I can't begin to imagine life with another man at all. With tears in my eyes at this very moment I have to say with the pain of loosing my first everything, I am soooo fearful that this will happen again. I am only 35 and have children all under 18, there is no way I will ever marry again,but I also fear living the rest of my life alone. I never want to experience this kind of pain again. I am so afraid of this happening again that I have even begged the lord to take me to be with my husband, but I know I have to be a strong mom and raise our kids the way my husband would want me to.

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