My dear wife of 35 years passed away 15 months ago. Recently I have been asked twice by different people if I am dating or seeing anyone. I just say a quick no and change the subject. Just wonder if as time goes on people will think of me as strange if I dont go out and try to meet someone. Sometimes I just wish people would mind their own business. I am sure no harm was meant by the questions,maybe they are concerned that I may be lonely.  I just feel that no one could take my wifes place,and I surely could never feel the same about anyone as I did for her.

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Sheryl, I am so proud of you and how far you've come. Reading your message I was remembering so much of what you were sharing and how you dealt with them at the time. You are doing good. One day at a time. I love your "don't borrow tomorrows sorrows". What a mouthful but so so true. As we all know, the worrying about what was coming was so so bad and then when we got there, it wasn't near as bad as we were expecting. I too am feeling better each day and know that Bill would be happy I can have a smile on my face again. I can move forward because he was a wonderful man who loved me and showed me that I am a good person and deserve to be happy. I had been single 9 years when Bill and I met after 2 disasterous divorces and never thought i would want a man in my life again then either. Luckily we both changed each others minds. I would not be able to live again if I let myself only think of the pain of losing him and not wanting to suffer it again. He definitely was worth "the dance"..

Sheryl, the words you have written are truly amazing, and I echo Kathy, the steps you have and are taking toward healing are examples to us all here.  Each and everything you do is a healthly step on the path.  Just last evening I had a wonderful and powerful talk with my 29 yr. old daughter.  She and I shared so much and I began to realize that I am not ready to really participate in some things that I thought I was.  Special occasions that increase my stress and anxiety level, are as you say, particularly difficult, and through this discussion we came to see that perhaps my choices should be different.  I am so impressed with her and her caring for me and very proud of her.  I have done a lot of the same steps Sheryl and they do work, yet I do have more steps to take on this journey and they can be baby steps, because they all lead to the same place hopefully, where there is peace, harmony, love and laughter again in our lives.  I appreciate your sharing and do love your "words of wisdom" they are beautiful and supportive.

 

Kathy - you give us all hope and support and your relationship with Bill has allowed you to see that there is happiness out there still.   I am buoyed by your attitude toward life!

 

Thanks to both, and have a loving day.

Carol

Hi Kathy,

Thank you - I am so glad you did meet Bill and the positive influence he was for you.  It is a great story and I loved the words of wisdom that although losing him has been very painful, you cherished the love and time you had.  I glad you were able to share that dance and have many happy memories to comfort you.

Sheryl

Kathy King said:

Sheryl, I am so proud of you and how far you've come. Reading your message I was remembering so much of what you were sharing and how you dealt with them at the time. You are doing good. One day at a time. I love your "don't borrow tomorrows sorrows". What a mouthful but so so true. As we all know, the worrying about what was coming was so so bad and then when we got there, it wasn't near as bad as we were expecting. I too am feeling better each day and know that Bill would be happy I can have a smile on my face again. I can move forward because he was a wonderful man who loved me and showed me that I am a good person and deserve to be happy. I had been single 9 years when Bill and I met after 2 disasterous divorces and never thought i would want a man in my life again then either. Luckily we both changed each others minds. I would not be able to live again if I let myself only think of the pain of losing him and not wanting to suffer it again. He definitely was worth "the dance"..

Thank you Carol.

I know it was a  "l  o  n  g"   post but the words just came spilling out of me.  I also know how much if would have helped me if someone who has been though this would have told me these things in the early weeks after my husband died tragically.  I think that sometimes God has a direction He wants me to move in due to all of my life experiences and my grief counselor keeps telling me to keep writing. She feels I should consider writing a book or doing public speaking to encourage other women, etc.  I don't know about that, but I do feel a strong empathy for others and want to help encourage them.   I really hope you continue to find peace. 

I am so glad you have your daughter - she sounds like she is very loving and supportive. I also pray for your peace and the restoration of joy in your life

Sincerely,

Sheryl

Carol Kayser said:

Sheryl, the words you have written are truly amazing, and I echo Kathy, the steps you have and are taking toward healing are examples to us all here.  Each and everything you do is a healthly step on the path.  Just last evening I had a wonderful and powerful talk with my 29 yr. old daughter.  She and I shared so much and I began to realize that I am not ready to really participate in some things that I thought I was.  Special occasions that increase my stress and anxiety level, are as you say, particularly difficult, and through this discussion we came to see that perhaps my choices should be different.  I am so impressed with her and her caring for me and very proud of her.  I have done a lot of the same steps Sheryl and they do work, yet I do have more steps to take on this journey and they can be baby steps, because they all lead to the same place hopefully, where there is peace, harmony, love and laughter again in our lives.  I appreciate your sharing and do love your "words of wisdom" they are beautiful and supportive.

 

Kathy - you give us all hope and support and your relationship with Bill has allowed you to see that there is happiness out there still.   I am buoyed by your attitude toward life!

 

Thanks to both, and have a loving day.

Carol

I couldn't sleep and decided to read through this thread and i just wanted to add something to what I said.  Just for me, I'm only lonely for Danny, I'm not lonely for a guy to be with.  I felt the same the day after he passed away and I feel the same now after more than 17 months since the day I'll never forget of 1/22/10. Someone mentioned to me about 9 months after he passed that I could go out for a coffee with another man just for company.  I thought to myself that it seems kind of crazy to me to have a coffee and talk with a stranger, as I have about 35 family members who are guys from his side and mine. What would be the point.  As I said I'm not lonely for just any man, I'm only lonely for my husband.  But, I do believe we all have a right to live our own life and make our own choices. I just had these thoughts I wanted to share.

Suzanne 

Well.... I hate being alone... Can't stand the loneliness. I don't really want a new man to reajust to and start all over again but what other choice do I have? I could be alone for the rest of my life or try again ( not just yet, but I'm thinking about it). I think I would like to eventually meet a widower who would understand me and my feelings about everything. I wouldn't mind one bit visiting his wive's grave and I need a man who would understand that my husbands ashes will remain with me forever. I find I am having a hard time relating to everone else. I am in a very different place than all the other 40 somethings.

Basia this is exactly how I feel and from the sound of it a number of others too. I just turned 49 a couple of months after my wife passed, she would have been 56 less then a month before my 49th. We had been together 31 years, we lived together since 8 days after my 18th birthday.

I do not know that another woman could or would want to compete with my Rose, it's like that old Meatloaf song I am sure I could find a woman that I could want and need but I do not know about the love part. To me that isn't fair to either party, so what do we do?

Like you, I will always keep and cherish my Rose's ashes, there are things of hers I will never part with even if it means being alone. But it sure would be nice to have someone to sit and share some conversation with or watch TV or a movie with. It has been 7 months that I've been alone and romance is still the farthest thing from my mind.

 

I think your idea about finding a widow or widower may have it's merits, but even then all the standard compatibility issues plus the differences in the grieving process can make that just as difficult of a relationship.

 

Even discussing this whole subject just seems so awkward, foreign, and unnatural to me really.

 

I wouldn't mind sharing a pot of coffee with someone though, it really isn't all that far out in left field and it might ease the hurt even if for a short time.

Pete,

I have joined a group, called solace, and it is for people that have lost a spouse, it was 5months, after losing my soulmate.  I did feel it was too early for me, as all I did was cry.  But these people understood where I was at and now 12months down the track it is a mite better.  we meet each week, and go out for lunches, together.  And also to shows, or concerts.  Eventhough, I only half enjoyed, some of the lunches, I pressed on, and am now looking forward to going out on a 3 day Christmas in July, this is going to be my first time, sharing a room with a friend, and this friend is a first time for her as well.  My therapist has been so wonderful, without, my fortnightly sessions with  her, I couldnt have come this far.  I have joined other groups as well, just because I hate being alone at home.  At this stage in my grief, I dont have a thought of a partner. I feel I will be forever married to my soulmate.  I am happy for those, that find love again.   lonelyness and loss  Is the worst thing I think for a person that has been together for a long time, to overcome. I am still numb, and at times walk around, wondering what the heck is all this about. Take care, 

Pete Bronson said:

Basia this is exactly how I feel and from the sound of it a number of others too. I just turned 49 a couple of months after my wife passed, she would have been 56 less then a month before my 49th. We had been together 31 years, we lived together since 8 days after my 18th birthday.

I do not know that another woman could or would want to compete with my Rose, it's like that old Meatloaf song I am sure I could find a woman that I could want and need but I do not know about the love part. To me that isn't fair to either party, so what do we do?

Like you, I will always keep and cherish my Rose's ashes, there are things of hers I will never part with even if it means being alone. But it sure would be nice to have someone to sit and share some conversation with or watch TV or a movie with. It has been 7 months that I've been alone and romance is still the farthest thing from my mind.

 

I think your idea about finding a widow or widower may have it's merits, but even then all the standard compatibility issues plus the differences in the grieving process can make that just as difficult of a relationship.

 

Even discussing this whole subject just seems so awkward, foreign, and unnatural to me really.

 

I wouldn't mind sharing a pot of coffee with someone though, it really isn't all that far out in left field and it might ease the hurt even if for a short time.

Suzanne, ditto, I am lonely for my soulmate, and not anyone else. I just want him back in my life and nobody else.  I know its never going to happen, I just want that pain to go away, so I can move on. By that I mean, I need to get a few things done to our home, to sell, I need to get something smaller, as my garden is far too big, and I do not have the motivation, to do anything yet. I pray everyday, for that motivation.  hugs to you

Suzanne said:

I couldn't sleep and decided to read through this thread and i just wanted to add something to what I said.  Just for me, I'm only lonely for Danny, I'm not lonely for a guy to be with.  I felt the same the day after he passed away and I feel the same now after more than 17 months since the day I'll never forget of 1/22/10. Someone mentioned to me about 9 months after he passed that I could go out for a coffee with another man just for company.  I thought to myself that it seems kind of crazy to me to have a coffee and talk with a stranger, as I have about 35 family members who are guys from his side and mine. What would be the point.  As I said I'm not lonely for just any man, I'm only lonely for my husband.  But, I do believe we all have a right to live our own life and make our own choices. I just had these thoughts I wanted to share.

Suzanne 

Floss and Suzanne I totally agree with both of you. I was having dinner with a friend tonight who remarked about all the people I have around me. I would give them all up for one more moment with my Rose.
I agree with Pete. It will be 2 years in aug that my husband passed away. I miss him so much, not a day goes by that I don`t think about him. People were after me to move on and start dating again. I am 56 and they kept telling me I was too young to go on alone. I thought so many people can`t be wrong, so I tryed dating a few times but they all wanted to get in to a heavy relationship when all I was looking for was company. They were not widowers so they could not understand. It would seem that so many people think you need to be in a relationship to be happy, so they try to match you up. For me it was not a good idear. I felt more lonely on a date then if I were home alone. Does that make any sense? Dating now is so different then when you were in your 20`s. I try not to close my eyes to new freindships but at this time in my life, that is all I am looking for. God has a plan, I just wish I knew what it was....
Jerry, I was asked several times within a few months of my husband's passing if I would ever remarry.  I finally said to a friend "If it was your husband who died, would you?".  She looked shocked and said "No, he's my soulmate!"  I said, "well there you go"...I just don't understand where the question comes from.  I suppose people mean well, but I'm not sure how asking that question is productive or helpful in any way.  At least it isn't for me. It's just been one year on July 10 and I'm just glad the year of "firsts" is over. My daughters worry about me being alone and I just tell them "It's not being alone that bothers me, it's being alone without your Dad".  And I have to just figure it out.  I put my heart and soul into my relationship with my husband, we went through a lot together and I just don't see myself wanting to do that with anyone else.  I find talking about him with friends and family who knew and loved him helps.  It just is what it is, i wish it hadn't happened but it did and here I am.  I know one should "never say never" but I seriously don't see myself feeling that way about anyone else.

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