Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tess on June 5, 2011 at 10:31am

I am not as far into this as you but I have had people say, "one day, you will want to "move on" and start seeing someone"  and it is everything I can do not to just smack them.  Aside from it not being their business, I had my husband.  I still do.  He might not be with me anymore but the love that we shared and the feeling of commitment to that love will remain.  He will be my husband until the day I die and nothing will change that.  Aside from those feelings, it wouldn't be fair to the other person, as no one will ever compare to my husband and the love that we shared.  People do just care, but unfortunately I think they are trying to give you a way of having a quick fix for this pain that will forever be with you.  I just answer those questions with "I love my husband"  and they seem to let it go fairly quickly.  They know it touched a nerve and then stop the questions right then and there.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on June 5, 2011 at 11:01am

 That is a great response,I am sure it shuts them up quick. Thanks.

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on June 5, 2011 at 12:20pm

First, do not concern yourself with whether or not people will think you are strange if you do not try to meet someone. That is your choice based on what your heart tells you. Secondly, just because you may meet someone and like their company or more does not mean they are taking your wife's place. it is just someone new in your life and that is OK if you want it. My advice is to not necessarily actively search but do not close yourself off to the idea either. If you meet someone whose company you enjoy, great, if not that is OK too.

 

Permalink Reply by Marlena on June 5, 2011 at 1:19pm

Jerry,

The fact that people believe we should move on whether we are ready to or not is so infuriating.  They really have no idea what we are going through.  I've realized that people have no concept of time either.  What may only be a few months for us seems like years to them.  At 18 months after losing Tom I saw one of our customers from the store we use to own.  He was pleasant, asked how I was doing, said I looked good, then threw the curve ball at me and said, "So, you're remarried?"  I was shocked I told him "No" and he asked, "Well, hasn't it been about four years?"  It had only been a year and a half, which to me was just like it was yesterday and a lifetime all at the same time.  I still wear my wedding rings so he just assumed I had "moved on".  My reply to anyone that starts asking what I do for fun and if I am ready for anything else is "I feel no less married now than I did two years ago"  and I cannot imagine that feeling changing anytime soon.

Like you, I cannot imagine anyone else taking my Tom's place.  If there ever was anyone else, it would be like competing with a ghost for him because I cannot see anyone living up to or filling those big shoes of Tom's. 

I have learned to live my life my way.  I don't listen to anyone else and all the "advice" they offer.  I do what works for me and I will not let anyone talk me into anything that doesn't "feel" right.  Stay strong and only do what you want to do...don't let anyone talk you into things that you know are not for you. 

Who knows where the universe will lead us, but for now, this is our new life and although the journey may not be a pleasant one, we have no choice but to walk it...so we need to walk it our way.

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on June 5, 2011 at 1:51pm

Jerry,  do not let what people say influence you as to what you do.  Some people will think you are strange if you don't do out and meet someone else and others will think you are strange to hear you say you still love your wife.  So don't worry about what people say.

 

I lost my Neal almost 8 months ago and like most people on this site, to me it just seems like yesterday.  My feelings are that the part in my vows about "till death do we part" means that by Neal's passing we have parted but when I pass we will be reunited in Heaven.  So for me there is no question as to what I will do.

 

My cousin surprised me with her comment.  She was at my house and we were talking about her impending divorce.  She said she could not see herself with anyone else but could see me with someone else.  I was so shocked at first I did not say anything.  Then I firmly told her I would never be interested in anyone else but Neal.  We had 40 wonderful years together and that would last me until I see him again. She has not come close to that conversation again.

 

Each of us has to do what feels right to us and only us.  Hugs

Permalink Reply by Jerry on June 5, 2011 at 1:58pm

 Thank you all for the helpful replies.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on June 5, 2011 at 3:33pm

Dear Jerry,

People, in my opinion, being human, behave inappropriately but they don't even know it.  They say things that they think might help, and as you pointed out, it really isn't any of their business.  If their spouse didn't die, they have not one iota of a clue as to how it feels.  Everyone is different, even in their grief.  Some do move on, find another love, even though they say they never get over losing their spouse and they still grieve for them.  I take them at their word.  But I, like you have no desire whatsoever even after 16 months, and I know just for me, even if it was 16 years since Danny passed there is no one that would take his place in my heart, there is none other but him.  I vowed to love him when we married in 1972 until death do us part and he passed but I am still here.  (lol)  I don't want anyone else but him. That's just how I think.  What you believe for yourself is what's more important than what other's think.  I know sometimes what others say is frustrating.  But they don't know you as well as you know yourself.  Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on June 5, 2011 at 9:50pm

I think a lot of people feel that if we are younger when we lose our spouse that once we have been a widow or widower a year or more that we should be dating and looking for a mate.  I agree with you - no one can take the place of my husband either.  We were married 36 years and we had a comfort level that would be very difficult to recapture with anyone else. 

I think people mean well, but just as parents that lose a child can never replace the child they lost by having another child or adopting a child that is the same age of the one they lost; we can never replace the spouse that we lost with someone else.  I think it takes a special person to be able to move on and take a chance at love again after experiencing the great heartbreak that comes with losing a mate.  My husband died 7 months ago and I can say most assuredly that I would not even want to date anyone.

Permalink Reply by Steve Knoll on June 6, 2011 at 8:19pm

There are a lot of different ways of looking at this.  From reading the comments, it would seem that nearly everyone is not open to the idea of finding another person in their life.  If that is how you feel, that is okay, I'm not trying to change anyone's mind, but I have to believe that there are others out there who feel differently, and I am one of them.  When you are outnumbered this badly, it may be easier for some to just keep to themselves about it because they feel that there is something wrong with them for thinking differently.

No one should "move on" until or unless they are ready to do so.  It shouldn't be done because of pressure, expectations, suggestions or whatever by people who may mean well but don't know what they are talking about.  In my opinion, we are all given a very brief time on this earth, and as we all know, it can end at anytime, for any of us.  While it is important to grieve, and to honor those who have left us, it is also important for us to remember that we are still here, and that life does go on.  Would our spouses want us to be miserable or happy?

 

If a second, (or third or whatever) chance at love comes along, don't those of us who are left deserve that chance?

It has nothing to do with fidelity or faithfulness, and it doesn't mean that you have to think of your lost one any differently.  We will always love them, they will always love us.  And they do not mean anything less because you may find someone to love and someone who loves you.  There is a great deal to be said for finding someone who fills some or all of those voids we have.  As long as you know and remember that this is a different person, and someone who can enrich your life rather than simply a replacement for the one you have lost.

 

Steve

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Jerry on June 7, 2011 at 9:12am

    Hi Steve, I agree that we should all do what we feel is right for us. Time will tell whats best for me. I do believe it takes a special person to deal with a relationship with someone that has lost a loved spouse. Many years ago my father inlaw who was divorced  and in his late fifties, married a widow. She had married children and had been a widow for 3 years.  He often said he felt he was playing second fiddle to the husband that had passed on. His new wife still kept close contact with her inlaws,holidays were the worst time for him. And taking her to visit her first husbands grave was not something he enjoyed. Maybe in time I will move on, sell my house, get rid of all the things that belonged to my wife, and try to live a somewhat normal life. If I do, I believe it will have to be in a different area, since now everywhere I go here I remember being their with her.For now I am content to live with my memories,trying to focus on the good times and blocking out the last year of her illness. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and your thoughtful reply.

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on June 7, 2011 at 5:06pm

This is truly a tough issue. At 49 I do not see me spending the rest of my life alone, but I do not see myself remarrying either. It is just over 6 months since my Rose passed, our 30th Wedding Anniversary just passed too. I don't expect I will ever feel the way I did and still do for my Rose, but that isn't to say I won't find a companion that I have deep feelings or even Love for.

 

But as of this moment in time, I married once, for life. Neither She or I dissolved our marriage, so I guess that means I'm still married and to date would be cheating on my Rose which is something I never did while she was alive. Maybe that makes me "Strange" or some other label but it is how I feel. I would really enjoy some company but just to spend time with another person, some conversation would be good.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Wasilewski on June 7, 2011 at 5:24pm

I agree Pete....I'm 73 & it is almost 2 years without my husband.

I would like to meet a male friend to go out to eat, Go to the movies,

Go for rides. Someone to talk to.

But don't want a man living with me at this time.

I still wear my wedding ring & plan to keep on doing that.

Only a very few people have asked me if I have a boy friend.

None of their business at all.

I feel if God wants me to meet someone He will see to that.

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