Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jerry on June 7, 2011 at 5:32pm

  Hi Pete, I agree that would be nice to have someone to talk with and a  possible companion. I am a little older then you are but I believe age doesnt matter. My employer lost his wife of 68 years, he was 88 at the time. He took it real hard, he would sob often when we talked. This was a few years before I knew my wife was ill, so I never gave much thought to this, now I know what he was going through.

        After about four years he did find a companion,he loved to travel abroad, he did this all his life with his wife.. Sad things is on a trip to Russsia, he fell and hit his head,he has been in a wheelchair and partially paralyzed ever since. Karma? I know my wife would want me to move on,we did joke about this over the years,but never after she found out she was so ill.  I am not sure what my kids would think of me dating, especially my daughter,but thats another story.  I do feel marraige is not what I would want. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Jerry

Pete Bronson said:

This is truly a tough issue. At 49 I do not see me spending the rest of my life alone, but I do not see myself remarrying either. It is just over 6 months since my Rose passed, our 30th Wedding Anniversary just passed too. I don't expect I will ever feel the way I did and still do for my Rose, but that isn't to say I won't find a companion that I have deep feelings or even Love for.

 

But as of this moment in time, I married once, for life. Neither She or I dissolved our marriage, so I guess that means I'm still married and to date would be cheating on my Rose which is something I never did while she was alive. Maybe that makes me "Strange" or some other label but it is how I feel. I would really enjoy some company but just to spend time with another person, some conversation would be good.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on June 9, 2011 at 7:28am

Hi all, I have not been here in awhile but as some of you know I have found someone new.We are able to share our new lives and our past lives with each other.We do share the pain of loosing our spouses and that might be an advantage for us because we both know the devastation and pain.I can understand the feelings many of you do because I felt the same,but when you are given another chance at happyness and it feels right why not.Neither one of us went looking and I don't feel like I am betraying my husband I believe he would be happy for me in fact I know he would because we had this discussion many times. My husband always said he wouldn't want to live alone. To feel alive again and have someone who you can share your past and future with is a great feeling.All I can say is as long as you are comfortable with it then it is right for you no one can make the choice for you. I also know there is the chance of going thru the pain again but the feeling of living and being happy again is a chance worth taking.Hugs   

Permalink Reply by Jerry on June 10, 2011 at 9:15am

    Hi Virginia,thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject.  I think that on of my fears is ever having to go through the pain of seeing someone you love get ill.  I am not sure I could ever handle that again.  I am glad that you were able to mve on with some one special in your life again,God bless you both,Jerry.

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Franck on June 10, 2011 at 12:29pm

Hi everybody, Everyone has thier ideas on what they would do if they were in our place but when it all comes down to it we don't even know what we would do. While Wade was sick we were talking and I said

 "I can't live the rest if my life alone" He only paused for a second and said "Oh I give you permission to remarry" I got impatient with him and told him that wasn't what I was talking about. I wanted him to get better. I was only 50 at the time. It's been 2 years since he has passed and I agree with so many of you here that I thought our marriage was for my lifetime. We had only "known" each other and I couldn't imagine moving on. The aspect of it not being fair to a new spouse because of our great love is very valid.

I agree with you who have mentioned you just want to have someone to do things with, talk, whatever but to make a decision to remarry would have to be a bolt from heaven. I've had strangers that I have ended up visiting with while on vacation tell me to just get back out there it's not hard once you start etc. but that just isn't an option for me. I would hate to screw up and ruin what I've already had. How do you top the best? Once again, it would definitly have to be a miracle.

Your view does change a bit as time goes on. I thought I would always feel married but I don't anymore.

I still love Wade just as deeply but this life is lonely. Praying for each of us here that we will know what is best for us and recognize Gods perfect plan for us as individuals....Hugs to you all Kathleen

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on June 12, 2011 at 9:05pm

Tess, that is beautiful, what you have written.  I feel the same way, thank you for expressing it so eloquently for us. 

 

Carol

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on June 12, 2011 at 9:18pm

It is so individual this decision, but I agree with all the comments.  It would be nice to be able to talk with someone, share your day, exchange viewpoints, have a coffee and a walk.   A companion to fill some of the lonely hours.  This is likely why I still work, I can do that at work and it does help.  It doesn't help the lonliness of the evenings though, when walking thru the door basically to the dog, who bless her heart, is my loyal friend!  Jack and I used to share all about work, have a laugh, say silly things, watch tv and then he would go to bed very early, but that was okay because I always knew he was upstairs.  Now we really have nothing but time on our hands and so it is good to find things to keep us occupied.  Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith in some new direction I guess, out of our comfort zone.

I know people mean well when they ask.  Jack and I joked and talked about "getting married again"....while he was sick.  I would just scoff at him....:)  Truly, if it is meant to be, it will and all these things I leave in God's hands.   He knows best.

 

Carol

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 13, 2011 at 5:54am

Jerry ...

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. My dear husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 and I have had all sorts of thoughtless questions asked of me such as 'do you think you'll get married again ... you can always join a dating service' leaving me thinking they are talking about an old car that I want to replace with a new one.  Although people are well meaning they should slow down the brain before opening their mouths and yes, your life is private and your wife was part of your life for a very long time and not to be forgotten so easily.  Some people simply do not know what to say and society sees all of us who have lost a spouse as lonely and in need of companionship, but grieving is so different with everyone and we all march to the beat of a different drummer.  I am very possessive of my husband's belongings yet have people tell me I should sell this or get rid of that and I have a nice little chat immediately to be sure they understand where my head is at.  It generally stops them in their tracks.  I have just joined Grief Counseling in British Columbia as a group and know I feel much better face-to-face with others and I am the type of person who enjoys listening or helping others so while helping myself I may be able to help someone else as I hope to do on this blog.

 

Take it slow and easy Jerry and go at your own pace and enjoy the great memories you had with your wife as I do my husband. 

 

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Christy on June 13, 2011 at 8:21am

Jerry you brought up a very good point.
Tess, you said it. I keep thinking even if by some miracle I were to meet  someone I might consider sharing time with, it would not be fair to either of us because everyone deserves to be adored for who they are. I just feel as if I would be constantly comparing them to Larry & what we had together. My big brother says I "need" to find "someone" even if they aren't "perfect," "just to keep me entertained." I don't care what people think  of me- that is just wrong. It takes time & energy to build a relationship & I have no desire to go through that & I don't want to subject myself to people who don't know or care about me either. I prefer being alone, at least for the time being.
Tess said:

I am not as far into this as you but I have had people say, "one day, you will want to "move on" and start seeing someone"  and it is everything I can do not to just smack them.  Aside from it not being their business, I had my husband.  I still do.  He might not be with me anymore but the love that we shared and the feeling of commitment to that love will remain.  He will be my husband until the day I die and nothing will change that.  Aside from those feelings, it wouldn't be fair to the other person, as no one will ever compare to my husband and the love that we shared.  People do just care, but unfortunately I think they are trying to give you a way of having a quick fix for this pain that will forever be with you.  I just answer those questions with "I love my husband"  and they seem to let it go fairly quickly.  They know it touched a nerve and then stop the questions right then and there.Tess

Permalink Reply by Christy on June 13, 2011 at 8:58am

Thank you Jerry for posting this discussion. It has forced me to consider some things I haven't wanted to. After reading this second page of posts, from Steve & then your response I have gained new insight.

Thank you Steve for sharing your view, because I see now that you are right. I know that I would not want, nor expect Larry to remain single if I had been the first to go. He was only 38 yrs., so he would most certainly have to get back out there at some point & face the challenge I do not wish to consider. It has only been 9 months though. The idea seems quite dreadful, but I'm confident that if or when the right person comes along it will be a blessing, not a curse.

Also, Jerry said something that made me think of scripture, that we are to live in the 'present' not the past & not the future (Isaiah 43:18 & Matt 6:28). That really is the very best advice & I try to stick with that.

Permalink Reply by Sheila Johnson on June 16, 2011 at 10:53pm

Jerry:  You are one of the FEW men I know who have lost their wife or long-term partner and isn't looking for someone new to share their life with right after them passing away.  The three men I know who lost their loved one were dating two to three months afterwards.  For whatever reason that amazes me although I do NOT judge them.  I know they are lonely, just like us widows, and of course YOU are lonely.  I was beginning to think it was just a "woman's thing" to not want to date.  You are not strange at all!!  I lost my hubby of 28 years 18 months ago.  I'm still lonely.  All of "us" are.  We all move forward at our own pace; if we even move forward at all.  I wish people would mind their own business, too, but on the other hand I'm glad they care about me.  After 18 months there isn't anything anyone can do to force me into anything or talk me into anything.  I hear what people say and mostly let their well meaning advice  go in one ear and out the other.  There's a lot that "we" have to figure out on our own and a lot of it is based on our feelings that only "we" feel.  It's most difficult.  All of us here know and understand what you are going through.

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on June 16, 2011 at 11:24pm

Sheila

 

You really hit the nail on the head there. I personally have started to reach out for new realtionships because I am very lonely. I also cry over the loss of my Rose daily. I know whatever happens I am very unlikely to have a relationship near as good and pure as the one I had with my Rose. We fit together like a hand in glove and we were extremely lucky to find each other. That being said, everyone has to move forward at their own pace and when/if they are ready. I do not believe there is a right or wrong way to deal with this short of physcially harming ourselves. Sheila, what you do in listening to the advice and taking it with a grain of salt is the best way because people will try to help in their own way whether we want them to or not. As has been said on this site more times than I can count nobody can know what it feels like to lose a spouse until they have lost one. Jerry hang in there as we all are.

Permalink Reply by Floss on June 17, 2011 at 3:50am

I think it can be so incentive of people telling me I will meet someone, oneday.  I dont have any intention of remarrying, I had the best husband ever, and dont think that can happen again.  I am happy to be married to him forever.  I will forever treasure him.  I dont think one can really just have a friend, to go out with and share your journey of grief, and just be friends.  If that is possible and the time comes I am open to friendship and that is all, I have had a good marriage, and this time friendship is all I want.  If there is such a thing.  I have nothing against anyone remarrying, that is their choice, and its beautiful.  I just dont want to go through this grief thing ever again, it is the worst pain, I have ever experienced.  I just want it to go away.

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