Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on January 8, 2012 at 9:58pm

Hi Jane,

  To give some perspective from my situation in which my wife of almost 32 years passed to Gods Hands in her sleep at our home almost 5 years ago during home care for several autoimmune issues, and I was her sole bread-winner and caregiver:

Unlike your situation she passed while we were asleep and even though I was waking up every day at 4:00AM to make sure she had everything she needed before going to work early so I could get out early to take care of her, I did try to recusitate her but her skin was already clammy and her coloring was "different": I was not and never will be angry or mad at my wife. I had to come to grips with my loss as I too will never find another soulmate that is so matched up to me.

After her passing I had to find a reason WHY and that left me in a state that even the thought of my Rose left me uncontrollably crying and depressed. This was so surreal that even today I wake up thinking she is there, hearing her voice, and looking for it finally realizing that she is no longer in this physical world.

The only thing I could come up with is that no matter the circumstances, it is God's will and it is meant to help and shape the world around those that pass into his hands. I have a mantra that I repeat to myself: "We are all in God's Hands and a part of his plan". One day I will too will pass from the hand of those physically alive to those in his hand of infinite care.

Even though my family is religous Rose and I were of the type that went to services occasionally and when my eldest step-brother (he is a Catholic Priest) was in town, I had to find a reason for Rose passing so young (49 yrs old) and to top it off my mother passed away 8 months later (my birth father passed when I was 7).

But I believe that the passing is meant to help shape the world they leave, not as as any punishment to them or you. If you believe in the theory that the smallest changes can affect the future then you may understand that it is a part of God's plans.

Will you ever COMPLETELY stop grieving? Absolutely not, as to do so would be uncaring and dismiss the time you had with your soulmate. Will it get easier to talk about him, think about him, or visit his grave, *Yes, but that is different in every survivor.

How you handle the rest of your life absent your soulmate of 16 years will be determined by You, God, and how you think your soulmate would have wanted you to live out the rest of your life. I am 55 almost 56, I interred my soulmate with her wedding band and I have not taken mine off, and in my present state do not plan to.

Rose and I (as every couple) went through our ups and downs, but we made it. I can't think of any other person that would have made it though those ups and downs. So the I have voided the part of our wedding vows "Until death do you part".

The death of a soulmate is the most surreal and gut-wrenching feeling but as time goes on you find it easier to talk about them, start thinking about not only the "Angelic" side of them but the human part and start to remember funny, awkward situations and you will be glad that you had the limited time you did have.

 

God bless,

Fred Dunn

Permalink Reply by Sue on January 8, 2012 at 10:11pm

Jane I am so sorry you are going through this.  It hasn't been 3 months for  me yet, but the pain is horrible and I feel for your pain.  Did you try just contacting a Pastor at a church for help.  The other night at our Grief Support group, a gentleman didn't have the money for a therapist and the Pastor does free counseling like that  for a certain amount of time.  It's worth looking into.  There is help out there.  The Grief Share group I attended last week is free for 13 sessions.  I am already looking forward to next Thursday for the next one.  It's like someone finally is listening to me.  It might not work for everyone, but it's better than me feeling so bad without any help.  I have a strong family support system, so I am also lucky with that.

 

Good Luck and stay strong.  Love Sue

Permalink Reply by Sue on January 8, 2012 at 10:17pm

I am sorry for your loss.  Fred, my husband and I had the "Till Death do Us part" taken out of our vows.

I want to be with him now, even though I know it is selfish with me being so blessed with 4 grown adult kids and 13 grandkids.  I still want to join him.  I hurt so bad, I can't stand the pain.  Maybe in a few more months, I can feel differently, but right now it hasn't been 3 months yet and I can't imagine it being two years.  I just want the pain to go away.  In the process of all of this happening, my husband's wedding band disappeared and I have to live that.  Not knowing what happened to it, makes me sad.

 

Thanks Sue

Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on January 8, 2012 at 10:36pm

Susan,

I too am sorry for your loss. At 3 months I was throwing myself into my work and spending 12 hours a day there then coming home and heating a frozen dinner and going to bed. I couldn't even talk about Rose without eventually crying (most of the time, as it still happens) until after about 2-3 years. You will find it, you're in a state of shock right now and one day when you sit in a place you seldom do, there it will be.

A lot of surealistic confusion follows the passing of a soulmate even when it is expected as in a terminal case.

I know EXACTLY how you feel about wanting to join him but having kids and grand kids. This may sound bad but since I am reclusive now my two border collies are my primary support. Although I do have a large family as well.

It's nice to hear that we were not the only ones that took that out of our vows.

God bless,

Fred Dunn

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on January 10, 2012 at 5:24am

Dear Jane ... I am so sorry for your loss.  Yes, we all feel great pain and there is no specific time to stop grieving as each individual is different.  Fred couldn't have said it better.  Unfortunately, we all had or have to go through the grieving process and cleanse ourselves with tears, but eventually it will get better and the crying becomes minimal.  I lost my dear soul-mate Ernie April, 2011 and I am still grieving.  I have a small family (brother; his wife and two grown nephews) among friends from this website and also where I live and I feel blessed.  Still, the house feels so empty without him.  It may sound strange, but I got a Wedding Anniversary card; Christmas Card and now have bought a Valentine's card for him just to lay on top of the box of ashes (his wishes were that our ashes be cast out to sea together) and I am hoping he is around me and knows how very much I love and miss him.

 

You can get free counselling as you were advised in another post.  Sometimes it helps to be with people who are grieving for their spouses and will understand just how you feel.  Friends who have not experienced the loss of their spouse of course can never completely understand and when sad and grieving it is exhausting to put on a brave face and try to fit in ... so don't!  Do what comforts you and you are never alone as we are here for you.

 

A big hug

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Ruth Colburn on January 10, 2012 at 6:14am

There are always places that will give you counseling at a free or lower fee.  Check with your mental health Association in your area.  Working through your anger at your husband leaving you will cause the depression to let up.  You may still miss him, as we all miss those we lost, but the counseling will help you to look at your situation in a less stressful way so you are not so upset.  I wish you all the best and healing from a very difficult life experience. 

Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on January 10, 2012 at 7:19am

Jane,

  In regard to Marcy's post, I too purchase my Rose's Birthday, Our Wedding, and sometimes just an "I Love You" Card. It can be very teary picking one out but I know that it makes me feel better. Although I stopped purchasing "Occasion" type cards and went straight to the "Feelings" type cards and then personalized it to which occasion, or a "just because she needed one" cards.

God bless,

Fred Dunn

Permalink Reply by janeo on January 12, 2012 at 5:27am

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Dear Jane ... I am so sorry for your loss.  Yes, we all feel great pain and there is no specific time to stop grieving as each individual is different.  Fred couldn't have said it better.  Unfortunately, we all had or have to go through the grieving process and cleanse ourselves with tears, but eventually it will get better and the crying becomes minimal.  I lost my dear soul-mate Ernie April, 2011 and I am still grieving.  I have a small family (brother; his wife and two grown nephews) among friends from this website and also where I live and I feel blessed.  Still, the house feels so empty without him.  It may sound strange, but I got a Wedding Anniversary card; Christmas Card and now have bought a Valentine's card for him just to lay on top of the box of ashes (his wishes were that our ashes be cast out to sea together) and I am hoping he is around me and knows how very much I love and miss him.

 

You can get free counselling as you were advised in another post.  Sometimes it helps to be with people who are grieving for their spouses and will understand just how you feel.  Friends who have not experienced the loss of their spouse of course can never completely understand and when sad and grieving it is exhausting to put on a brave face and try to fit in ... so don't!  Do what comforts you and you are never alone as we are here for you.

 

A big hug

Marcy

Permalink Reply by janeo on January 12, 2012 at 5:29am

Thank March it feels good for people like you to help. Thank you
Jane Favara said:

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Dear Jane ... I am so sorry for your loss.  Yes, we all feel great pain and there is no specific time to stop grieving as each individual is different.  Fred couldn't have said it better.  Unfortunately, we all had or have to go through the grieving process and cleanse ourselves with tears, but eventually it will get better and the crying becomes minimal.  I lost my dear soul-mate Ernie April, 2011 and I am still grieving.  I have a small family (brother; his wife and two grown nephews) among friends from this website and also where I live and I feel blessed.  Still, the house feels so empty without him.  It may sound strange, but I got a Wedding Anniversary card; Christmas Card and now have bought a Valentine's card for him just to lay on top of the box of ashes (his wishes were that our ashes be cast out to sea together) and I am hoping he is around me and knows how very much I love and miss him.

 

You can get free counselling as you were advised in another post.  Sometimes it helps to be with people who are grieving for their spouses and will understand just how you feel.  Friends who have not experienced the loss of their spouse of course can never completely understand and when sad and grieving it is exhausting to put on a brave face and try to fit in ... so don't!  Do what comforts you and you are never alone as we are here for you.

 

A big hug

Marcy

Permalink Reply by janeo on January 12, 2012 at 8:43am

I know you will find his ring cause I found things of Richies which I thought was gone I even found his strings from the his pants that he pulled and played with and made balls with. And I put them in a box with a lock.

I will pray you will find it soon.please keep me inform I would love to hear good news. Susan Gene Guenther said:

I am sorry for your loss.  Fred, my husband and I had the "Till Death do Us part" taken out of our vows.

I want to be with him now, even though I know it is selfish with me being so blessed with 4 grown adult kids and 13 grandkids.  I still want to join him.  I hurt so bad, I can't stand the pain.  Maybe in a few more months, I can feel differently, but right now it hasn't been 3 months yet and I can't imagine it being two years.  I just want the pain to go away.  In the process of all of this happening, my husband's wedding band disappeared and I have to live that.  Not knowing what happened to it, makes me sad.

 

Thanks Sue

Permalink Reply by Dee W on January 28, 2012 at 10:11pm

Jane, I'm so sorry for your loss. 

My husband also was very active, very healthy, and just thought he was having heartburn. After hours of trying to make it go away, he laid down on the bed then suddenly passed before my eyes.  He didn't even make it to the hospital.
The trauma you experienced from losing him suddenly and unexpectedly can make it difficult to recoup.  I know it has for me.  

It's not selfish to want them back...they were a part of our lives for all these years.  We didn't have time to prepare for their departure...I don't know about you, but my children and I didn't even get to say good-bye.  I would recommend looking up Grief Share and see if there are any groups meeting in your area...I'm sure there are.  It's free and they can help you to deal with your grief. It helps to have someone to talk to face to face. (they're also on facebook) Everyone here is so helpful and this place will help in many ways but you also need to hear someone's reassuring voice and get a supportive hug when needed. 

Permalink Reply by janeo on January 28, 2012 at 10:27pm

To Dee, I was blessed I got to tell him I loved him and the hospital kept pumping him with blood so my son could say goodbye. I write you tomorrow my fone battery said to charge thank you and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Jane Favara

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