Still Hurting

Hi to all. After 17 months of LouAnn dying suddenly, I find that I am soo hurting from the devistation of her loss. With the fact that I almost died two weeks ago from an allergic reaction, I soon realized how alone I really am.She wasnt there with me for moral support.I have accepted that she is gone. I have accepted that there will be no call from her saying to come get her at the hospital.I havent accepted all that remains without her. The loneliness and emptyness and staying afloat financially.Our anniversary is next week, the second without her.I thought that maybe getting the people to call us who have unlimited minutes was a good idea.Only two did,now one.I have tried to input and share and vent.Sometimes I dont know how to respond.I think that its perhaps that I am a man but you know what? I have the same feelings and situations.LouAnn would say, "aw, thats just your imagination". But, shes not here. My pal is gone.Forty-four years with her and I am completely without purpose and meaning. I cant input anymore and the responses to me are few and far between. I want to thank everyone who has posted to me.I'm not letting you down, I am down.So its best for me to just listen to all of you. I still wish that I could take your hand and say, its ok, its ok. Hugs to all. Hugs are good. Hugs are real.

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Permalink Reply by Connie H. on September 22, 2010 at 11:48pm

My dear friend, Randy and all, I have not posted for a while. Not out of not caring about each of you. I could echo all of the pain and lonliness you all endure. I am still recooperating from a upper respitory infection that has lingered for 2 weeks or more. Son-in-law was hospitalized with chest pains a couple days ago and been trying to help my daughter and gkids cope, all the time thinking...No, please God, don't let them go through what we all have been.After tests they could not pinpoint anything and he went home tonight. He wiill have to ck in with his Dr. often to keep an eye on things. Been trying to keep my sister, who lives in NY's spirits up as she goes through chemo, fighting breast cancer. Reality setting in that I will probably lose my house, but it ceased being a "home" 9/5/09. Instead of a monkey being on my back I feel like families of gorillas are there. I have unlimited after 9 during the week and unlimited all week-end on my cell. Verizon users unlimited anytime. 1-419-764-9386. Land phone is 1-419-727-9538.That one goes to a recording because I can't deal with the bill collectors, but if you leave a message, I will return the call. To tell you the truth, I don't care about the dang bill anymore...CALL ANYTIME! Love to you all as we endure this horendous pain. Never think I do not care!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 23, 2010 at 12:44am

Dear Randolph,
I remember you in my prayers each and every day. I feel your pain for your sake and for mine as well. We all truly know the pain of our loss and not knowing what to do or how to cope. Far be it from me for giving advice because I'm right there with you. But I was wondering if you are able to get to grief support meetings. I am the very first to argue with anyone and give long preachings to others on other grief sites to try to explain about my own perspective. You wouldn't believe that there are others who don't think the same way I do and jump on me the first time I venture out to write a post that is not the general consensus. But, hear me out. Even though I feel as I do and think as I do I can tell you what helps me regardless of others comments who I must remind myself to be open to their views. There are also many who agree with me. It also really helps me to go to the Widow's meeting at Hospice that I attend and the grief support meeting, the grief meeting is for anyone who has had a lost loved one, be it sibling, spouse, or other family member. It helps me, I have to tell you the truth, some on other grief online meetings didn't like the meeting they went to. But the meetings that I attend offer subtle suggestions, everyone has their own time to talk, they can pass if they feel for any reason it's too difficult. The bereavement counselors that lead the groups I attend happen to be very caring, thoughtful, and compassionate and anyone can go to a Hospice meeting whether their spouse was under their care or not and as far as I know there are Hospice groups everywhere, just about in every major city. You wouldn't have to go back if you didn't like it as I was told. It gave me a chance to have a voice in my feelings and I found a haven with live actual people and I feel validated. Even though I still have my thoughts and feelings and it is my own choice to go or not I just wanted to put in a word for trying something else. It can't hurt. I also go on other online grief support groups as I googled grief support groups and there are others, plenty of them. Each have their own personality and may or may not help but I have to carefully weed out the ones who I feel hurts rather then helps me. I think of you always and I also never know what to say but I say something anyway just to keep in touch with the most understanding, caring people on this site and other sites. I have no interest in anything and I don't enjoy life but I (and all of us) still get up every day somehow and make it through another day albeit maybe a miserable day but I'm only speaking for myself, I really, really believe that for me, there is a purpose God has for me and I am in such emotional searing pain with remembrances and thoughts of the past and I don't know what He wants me to do, but I feel like I am going through hell (metaphorically speaking of course) and I'd hate to go through this and not tell others how I am doing it. May you get through another day with peace and ((hugs)). Please take care of yourself. We can only take care of ourself now, anyway. But I hope you have some kind of strength to carry on. We all care for you and each other.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Virginia on September 23, 2010 at 7:49am

Randolph, What can I say, except you are one of us and are to be comended for seeking out a grief site, as you can see not many men do and you know my thoughts on that, so being here is much harder for you because we as women have a tendacey to think of the man being our pillar to lean on and might somhow think the hurt is not as profound for a man but for the few of you that are here know it is and if not for steve where would we be, I've checked out a few other sites and none are like this one, and this one is all i need. so you be you and post when you can and please keep giving HUGS, because your hugs mean alot. HUGS, to you

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on September 23, 2010 at 8:10am

Randolph, I am so sorry you are feeling so let down. I am new to this site and I know that sometimes that even though I want to respond I can't because I don't know how to give you or anyone else the answers that they want to hear because my pain is so overwhelming. It has only been 5 weeks since I lost my best friend and love of 33 years and like you I have no one to hug and hear saying its going to be OK. But some how I think maybe it will and when it is our time to see our loves again we will know just like we knew when it was time for them to leave us. I may not always respond but know that my heart aches for your sadness and I wish you only the best. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by Nancey on September 23, 2010 at 9:43am

I too don't know what to say to help. I'm so new to handling this grief and pain. I have parts of a day that are "normal"...times when I just cry for periods of time. I do know that Dale would hate to see me cry, he hated it when he was alive. Maybe that's some of the reason I cry so much now, that I didn't during his illness.

Yesterday was hard for me. It actually helped me just getting out of the house and walking around the lawn. I cut some small limbs off some bushes and it was cooler outside for a change.

I just try to do something that will occupy my time and mind. It gets me over the worst part of the pain....I know it will come again, but I'm hoping the time between those times will lengthen.

It's 2 weeks today that was his funeral. I still have friends who call me, when that stops and time goes on who knows how I will deal with things. I just try to keep busy and occupied. I try to not think too far ahead because that hurts the most of all.

Hugs to you.

Nancey

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 23, 2010 at 10:33am

Connie H, am so sorry that you are still ill and the family having medical problems. Sad to say, I have been there and done that. Am still doing the same as some of us, bill collectors and trying to save the house. I do answer the phone because I dont care anymore either. I do what I can do and so be it.Its not easy as you know. Its tiresome and very wearing. Just wanted to let you know that I am always thinking of you and hope you get better soon. Being ill on top of things is not helping our situations. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 23, 2010 at 10:53am

Suzanne, thank you for your thoughtful message.Being in a small town, surrounded by small towns, groups for grief support are scarce. I did go to one for spouse loss that was unknown to me but recommended by the organ/tissue people after I filled out a questionaire and said that I died when LouAnn died. I did not like it one bit.I was so out of place and had many strikes against me compared to the other people, there were 5 of us.Plus they had been together longer and I was the "new" person. I felt worse afterwards and realized how alone I was. Its terrible to always get stomped down with the "lonely" and how we remember more of our loss. A "major" city to me means it might as well be on the moon. Thank God for this site and Steve Cain who created it. You are all my friends and I hope I am your friend. Hugs to you and to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 23, 2010 at 10:59am

Virginia, thank you for being my pillar and vent. Yeah, as a man I sure failed. I became a wimp and mush brain and its hard for me to post my true feelings. I lost everything when LouAnn died. She was my "rock". Now I have nothing left to hold me together. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 23, 2010 at 11:11am

Hi Randolph,
Oh, I didn't know you already tried a meeting, and I'm glad you had the presence of mind to know it was not for you. I only suggested things that have helped me because I feel your hurt and feel so bad that you are in such pain. Others have said just what you did so, I guess I am very fortunate that even in my darkest hours I have some soft place to fall. Also, I hope I didn't sound pushy, because I wouldn't want you or anyone to leave here, it was just in addition to the friends we have here who we can connect with others just in case you needed another place. Maybe it's just as well not to try other sites, as I have had to explain myself time and time again on other grief sites but there are a certain amount of other people who know exactly how I feel and told me that they feel just as you (and I) do. I feel akin to you and it helped me and I was just trying to help you in some way. You are such a kind and decent person and I wish only peace for you. You are always in my prayers, in any case. ((Hugs))
Suzanne

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Suzanne, thank you for your thoughtful message.Being in a small town, surrounded by small towns, groups for grief support are scarce. I did go to one for spouse loss that was unknown to me but recommended by the organ/tissue people after I filled out a questionaire and said that I died when LouAnn died. I did not like it one bit.I was so out of place and had many strikes against me compared to the other people, there were 5 of us.Plus they had been together longer and I was the "new" person. I felt worse afterwards and realized how alone I was. Its terrible to always get stomped down with the "lonely" and how we remember more of our loss. A "major" city to me means it might as well be on the moon. Thank God for this site and Steve Cain who created it. You are all my friends and I hope I am your friend. Hugs to you and to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 23, 2010 at 11:13am

Nancey, thank you for your posting. You are new at your grief and pain. I am so sorry for your loss. I try to do the yardwork(never ending) but my bad back limits me. I have no one to help as they all stay away. I have some support but not for the major things I want. There was no funeral just a service. She was an organ donar ,she was cremated and it was some time before we had the service.So there was no burial,no cemetary nor the seeing of all the cars for her service. She died suddenly and never regained except for her heart still beating. She waited to die 6 hours to pass on her birthday.I never had a chance to give her the card that night. It say...An angel came to me one day.....so I married her. I didnt know that she would become one.It sits at my computer. I cannot give you any comforting words except for this. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 23, 2010 at 11:16am

Kay, thank you for your kindness. Its hard to post or respond sometimes. Sometimes you just dont know what to say. We are all friends here. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Mary on September 23, 2010 at 11:20am

I thank God for each and eveyone of you on this site. And that includes you Randolph. You have all helped me through this horrible time in my life. I am just sorry any of us has to be here at all. I don't always respond to posts, but I am here reading and keeping up with everyone. Lately, I have been busy redoing my bedroom. The painting is done now, so I am not quite as busy as I have been. But with fall coming and having to cut back plants and bushes, and then the leaves-----groan moan, it will be a busy six weeks.
Grief is grief and it doesn't matter if you are male or female, so Randolph, I don't think anyone here doesn't understand your anguish, loneliness and longing for things that can't be. We are dealing with the same things daily. So you just post away, we are here for you and everyone on this site. I pray that we all find the peace and comfort we all long for. Hugs!