My husband was in a coma last Christmas, so his real last Christmas with us was 2009.  Little did we know it would be his last, but I was so thankful last year on Christmas day,2010, when I came back home for a break sitting with him and my dear sweet SIL had put together what he could for a family meal.  We had been delivered all the goodies for Thanksgiving from wonderful friends since Steve had gone down the day before Thanksgiving, but for Christmas the last thing on my mind was cooking for me let alone anyone else and we had a full house with family all flying in to be with my husband.  My SIL put together the greenbean casserole and didn't have alll the ingredients, and put in what he could.  I have to say that I have never been so thankful for such a wonderful present from anyone and to sit down and hold hands and feel the support and love.  This Christmas is different now that Steve is gone and I as of now never want to celebrate Christmas again.  I will find something else to do. 

Yesterday was a nightmare for me and I went walking around the lake (3 miles) and felt like I should just have walked until the whole day was over.  Unfortunately Christmas was in no way at fault with my husbands death, but I blame any of the holidays that are from October on for my anger and resentlemnt that there is any celebrating at all.

Maybe someday I'll feel differently, but right now I want nothing else to do with Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, anything near that time. 

I hope you all got through this time of year better than me and felt the love that should be felt.  I know for a fact that my husband was not near me.  I felt him the first time I came back to Mission viejo and walked the lake, but the last two times, he is not there.  I think it's due to my being so mad at him now due to things I've found out, and questions unaswered, so I may never again hear, feel or see his presense.  So be it.  I will always love him and I know now I will get through the grieving and not get over the grieving. 

I have forgivin him a long time ago for things that have happened, but I still need to work things out with a counselor to get over my feelings.  I am so mad at him for leaving me and yet, I told him many times to let go and move on because he had laid on his back for eleven months and been kept alive with just Glucerna feedings.  That's not living and it's not what he would have wanted.  I wanted him to stay, but I also knew how selfish I was being  for wanting him to around longer.  His Dad lived until he was 87 and I felt it only fair that Steve stay around longer than 71 years. 

I have so many questions, so I don't think I can properly grieve until I get some answers and I'm for sure going to find a good medium or psychic to talk to. 

I pray for the strength to get through this and my heart goes out to everyone else who is going through this.  I do hope a lot of you made it through yesterday easier  than I did.

Blessings

Sue