Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

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Replies to This Discussion

Stephanie, this is very sweet!! Thank you for sharing this!! Have a good day!
Betsy I do understand what you're going through at this time. My son Ashton, age 24, passed away suddenly like your son on November 24, 2008. I spoke to him that Sunday afternoon and Monday morning he was gone. My first prayer was, I asked God to please not let my child's death be a mystery for me. He answered that prayer within days and I found out that he had a massive heart attack, with his main artery having 100% blockage. I was told by the coroner, that surgery wouldn't have saved him that day. So I had to figure out how to go on from that point. Because I knew what I was experiencing wasn't a nightmare, it was real. I do understand and I suggest you pray that prayer and ask for answers to what happened to take him so suddenly. If you don't, not having answers will probably eat away at you. You're in my prayers, because I know just how your heart is hurting right now. It's like a pain that never goes away, like someone pulling and tugging at your heart. I cried out "my only child", "my only child". I just couldn't understand it. But thank God, that step by step, i'm healing and beginning to pick up with life again, not as it used to be, but the way it is for me now.
Andra, I will pray for the answers I need. I was told that there is a 6-8 week time frame before we know but I will call and ask anyway. My son had high blood pressure at one time. He had tests and was told it was ok, they didn't want to start him on HBP med's so young. so I sit here and guess, did they miss something 3 years ago. was he ill and didn't know what from? could I have prevented this somehow? Rich had just moved in with his girlfriend this past summer so I think, what if I was aroind more, checking him,bugging him, being a nosey mom, maybe I would have seen something. what I keep thinking is that Rich went to a concert that night, he was so excited, I can even see him on youtube where someone filmed. His g/f said he was dancing and having a good time , so i think maybe that did it. I'll know soon but it won't bring back my boy. Thanks for listening
2/14/09
Hi Cynthia,
I told my family immediately after my son's death that I didn't want them to avoid talking about him when I'm around__because it makes me feel like they think he never existed which is an insult to his life & memory to me. So, I agree with you on that. I want to talk about my son it helps me on a day-to-day basis. The best therapy for me especially in a forum like this one with others who genuinely know how I feel. If you need or want to talk about your son feel free to contact me on this forum or my email address. I know I can't take your pain away, since I'm going thru the same thing but I'm a good listener.
Mrs.J
Hi Everyone
Ok so tomorrow is my sons birthday. He would have been turning 14. Right now I have mixed emotions. I am so angry that he is not here with me and on the other hand I know that he is in a better place. I know that he is surrounded with the family members that I have lost but I wish he was spending his birthday with me. I never got the chance to know him. He died when he was only 45 min old. I have never received an explanation as to why he died, and I never will. My entire pregnancy was normal nothing out of the ordinary. I went into labor 4 days before my due date. My labor was awful (not that any of them are fun) but I pushed for nearly 7 hours. I was exhausted. Once he came out I never heard him cry, I asked what was the matter and I was told that they were going to make sure that he was ok. I was then asked to sign papers allowing him to be transferred to a Trauma Hospital that was more equipped to handle this type of situation. He was to be airlifted out. I signed all necessary documents and then all of the sudden this rude nurse comes over to me takes the clipboard out of my hands and tells me that there was nothing more that they could do for him. Then she walked away. For as long as I live I will never forget that moment. Wow I really needed to get that out. Thank you to all that listen on here, it really does make all the difference when you have people that know what you are going through.
Thanks again,
Tanya
Dear Tanya,
You are in my thoughts today. For many of us our child's birthday is the most difficult day of the year. The birth of a child is supposed to be the beginning of a life and new parents make so many plans for this child long before they are born. God love you; you did not even have the chance to bring your son home. You have lived these past 15 years (birth plus 14 years) without any explanation. Did your OB have share anything with you? This is so sad and unfair.

More later about the past. For today ... I have sent a prayer to you and your son for a blessed birthday.

Cynthia
Hello: My name is Guy Dusseault, our son Billy died on June 26 2004, we have a website which everyone is welcome to visit www.oursonbilly.com read our story of our grief, recovery and of an amazing event which began to occur to us about 10 months after Billy crossed over to heaven. We have been able and continue to receive many signs from Billy in heaven, mostly through photographs. When our children and loved ones cross over to heaven, they can and do give us signs, to comfort us and to let us know that they are still with us.
wow! i dont even know where to begin. ive been reading all the entries going back to the passing of my eldest child. I lost my son Elijah Anthony Wheatley on nov. 1, 2008. everyday i grow stronger with his cause. The cause that I will carry for both his life and mine own. I do feel like I was robbed. Both my son and I are very gifted and talented. But I am learning that intellect is just like money, the more of it that you have, the more problems. he and I both struggled with some disorders of sort. I have been clinically diagnosed with manic depression/ bipolar for many years, even preceding having my son. he himself had ad/hd. i was working very hard with my best known efforts to make our lives work out. we had enrolled in counseling and a number of other specialized services so that he would have a secure school setting, and right when it seemed that we had found the silver lining, my son died from a tragic drug overdose from the paraphernalia that was left out in my familys home. The whole matter is still under investigation. but what i am finding in the strength of the Lord is that how is not as important as why. i blame my self for my sons passing because i knew that my family had an unscrupulous lifestyle, and i know that i should have found other means for safer childcare. but we take so much for granted. no more for me. i have to see each day as it is. no more pretending and no turning back. i am starting a foundation and i hope through the strength of the Lord that beyond our current tragic circumstances that my daughter and I will be able to move forth and grow. And that by bearing the brunt of this time, that our familys story will save someone in another time. I am so thankful for these beautiful forums. I too am tapping into resources such as compassionate friends and so on. I have also completed Elijah's memorial website. I am still learning how to map it, so I do not know the directory. but if any should visit the legacy site, his name is Elijah Wheatley. I just wanted to give some input because I too was in shock for many weeks, an its like even though there was a funeral and a burial, there is still apart of you that expects to wake up from this horrible nightmare. Then oneday you wake up and face reality, and its like the whole history and future of the universe lands on you, challenging you form every angle, how will you finish this. I have chosen that Elijah will go on for me. It may cost me every human being in my present circle,(which is now very scarce anyways because noone wants to face what has happened) but my son's life is not to swept under a rug. I will be his whistleblower and his trumpet bearer for I have not simply lost a child. But the needy world has lost a teacher and a preacher. and he simply cannot die in vain. I have let go and let God. and the holy spirit compelled me to carry his torch in part for my own ministry. so I look forward to dialoging with you precious people of a like mind. until then God Bless each of you and stay strong in the Lord.
Hi Tiffany,

Your email will inspire many. I work with young children, and those who have been diagnosed with ADD & ADHD are often later diagnosed as bipolar. There have been many studies on this and you have nailed it down with your connections. I haven't looked at the research, but my experiences and observations of children are, when having a clinical diagnosis of with ADD/ADHD children often display gifted & talented tendencies (I am the G.T. coordinator. in my school district). I don't need to tell you, manic depression tendencies can push a person to self-medicate. You are suffering from a tragic loss and are so early in your grief. The numbness you experienced is what I have come to think of as "God's cradle". It is the protection He provides for parents when they lose their child. Without that buffer, I know I would not have be able to survive the intense pain.

It is hard for our family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances to help us with this difficult time. They want to comfort us, but if they have not lost a child (lose of parents, siblings, friends are MUCH different) they know they cannot relate. I think they know it is a parent's worst nightmare, but there are no words to help them make a connection, so they freeze.

I would love to hear more from you. My email is cfrey@sad63.k12.me.us. There is much more I could share with you that connects to my loss - things I was dealing with before we lost our 17-year-old daughter. She too was both gifted (academically) and talented (athletically).

God Bless Tiffany and please keep in touch. You are on to an important mission!

Cynthia
Tiffany, I lost my sister to schizophrenia 18 months ago today so I know how you feel and how unfair mental illness is. My sister's heart failed after years and years of psychotropic meds. http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx Abigail Hoda
I too as you can read in her story fought for my sister in life as well as continue to do so even after her passing. I have also dealt with all the family issues of turning the blind eye or just flat denial. I wish and pray for your strength and please write me anytime and I will view Elijah's site now Stephanie
Thank You all for your tender words of kindness. they mean so much in this very difficult time. my heart goes out to you stephanie and your family in losing your sister to schizophrenia. that is such a disruptive disease. moreso than to the person going through it than to the people dealing with it. Although to see a loved one suffer from such a disease is really quite a lot to shoulder in and of itself. I have a lot of very unique theories not only on schizophrenia, but on ad/hd and manic d./bipolar disorder. I believe that they are all connected. I call them the five fold along with aspergers and autism. i believe that they all have the same root in the brain. and while I do agree that imbalanced hormones have alot to do with it. I do not agree with seratonin reuptake therapy. it does not work. for one. all of these illnesses shows a disruption or interference with our lobular domination.
(some people are either right or left brained and in this there our things that their brain blocks them from. this is not a scientific fact but a weak example off the top of my head would be that a left brained person is ruled mostly by the math and science and a right brained person is ruled by arts and expression) most artists are not into calculus you know. so I believe that what makes people of the five fold so talented or so thay may seem is because thay are mentally ambidextrous. and when you have a math whiz that wants to paint as bad as they want to equate, wha yo end up with is a what seems like a mess, because there is not enough people to get a grip on themselves to teach others how to handle these "illnesses". Furthermore I believe that it is moreso the semantics that comes with trying to cope with these "disorders" that ultimately drives people "crazy" than the actual diagnoses themselves. Because they are so disruptive. you like quiet but you cant stand for your radio to play low, you want to be a doctor, but you want to dance. and so on. I could write a book about all my different theories but i wont right this second but i understand. and i would say to you stephanie. first of God Bless You for standing by your sister as she battled her disruption. For blessing the least of these you will find your reward in heaven. and i think we all know that even those these illnesses exhibits a number of wonderful gifts, too few of us have been able to overcome the semantics well enough to not be pushed aside the rest of humanity.DR. Kay Jamison addresses and admits in her book An Unquiet Mind. That if not for the loving structure of her upbringing, she to may have very well fallen between the cracks of her disruptions to manic depression. but I want to address this disease from the perspective and for the perspctive of those that do not and are not able to quiet their semantics in loving households and piano lessons. No offense to anyone. I am just saying that we need to work harder as a society to help more people survive mental illness. I certainly feel the calling to address these things. but as to riht now God Bless You Members of this very special forum that I have found in this very difficult time. May we all grow stronger in the Lord for the losses that we are facing. For he is the end and the beginning, and may we all find the love that someone might blog in our memory one day because we have a running joke at my church that we all know one thing. None of us is going to make it out of here alive.
Tiffany, I was so impressed by what you wrote and the way you were able to put so much into words. Sometimes I think all of these things and wonder the hows and whys but never really think I could articulate it as you did. I also have read a lot of books and I am so impressed with the courage so many people show in the face of mental illness. It is so sad the stigma families face and the lack of knowledge and support given them. I just spent time today with a family that has a 10 year old bi-polar child and they feel so hopeless. I of course gave them NAMI info and tried to talk to them about this being an illness not a behavior and steer them in the right direction. We have to fight for those who can't help themselves and if we support one person our loved ones lives were not in vain. God bless and keep in touch. Stephanie
stefwm57@hotmail.com

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