Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Twila on March 24, 2009 at 11:25am

Hi Jacquelyn,
I felt the same when I found this web site. I lost my son 12-12-2008 and I am having such a hard time. I always feel like Im walking in a dream and I will wake up and my son will be here I miss him so much..I recently went on a trip and it was very hard to leave but I did it and the drive back was the hardest because I know my son is not here anymore..I cried so much these pass few days. I keep hoping I will see him again just to touch him and hug him hold him again and hear him say "aaaa mom I love you". It hurts so much I keep asking how do parents get through all this pain HOW. I am glad I have people here who do understand what I am going through it is hard very hard...I miss him so much so much...

Jacquelyn Raney said:

Oh my God it is so good to be able to talk to people who understand the devastation of losing a child. When I accidentally found this cite today It was like a light coming on for the first time in 3 years. My husband and I didn't graduate from collage but we have worked hard and manage to put 3 kids through college to give them a better start in life than we had. We rasied them to treat people according to their individual character and not be concerne with how people look on the outside. We rasied them to know and love God and to be responsible people and productive to society. My baby was in college doing all the things society say we are suppose to do, tutoring kids at his church, looking out for the neighborhood kids, good to his grandparents and all his family. When my other children went away to school he wouldn't go anywhere he couldn't lay his eyes and hands on me everday. We kissed good bye and he would come in and get on the foot of my bed and mess with my feet until I ran him out. How could something so terrible happen to my Joe? I have screamed so I thought my heart would break right out of my chest, and almost suffered a break down. If it wasn't for my beliefe in God and the comfort of my husband I would not be here. I have thought of just going to sleep but I would not do that because evrything I say about my beliefe in God would be a lie. He didn't get a chance to marry or have children, my child was only 26 years old. I have never seen my husband cry and for a while I was beginging to become angrey because I thought to myself he must didn't love our child the way I did. I can see how parents can break up after they lose a child but I'm glad I realized before it was too late that everybody have to deal with the loss in their on way. I wanted to know why everyone else was not falling a part like I was. I still have not accepted his death, I know he's gone but my heart consitantly reaches for his big silly grin and the feel of his face. I don't have anyone to talk to about my child so don't be supprised if I come to you all for the understanding only you all can give.

Permalink Reply by Twila on March 31, 2009 at 1:49pm

I wanted to share some feelings today Ihave been having...I am missing my son more and more each day. I am getting close to my granddaughter she is so like him and looks just like her daddy. It hurts so much to know she will miss out on knowing such a good father I will make sure she knows he loved her so much. But I know he is still around watching over her and making sure she is being taken care of. I miss my son so much, my cousin came to visit me from Green Bay and she was here when my son was little and came once before when my son was older and last night she said there was something missing it does not feel right any more. She said you can tell there is someone missing because your kids were a big part of your life sister. She calls me sister and yes we had alot of family dinners and each of my kids had a part of my heart and a part is missing now. She said I look and talk really sad Im such a different person well not really Im just hurting so much without my son here on earth with me and his family. God If I could have taken his place I would have just so he could stay here and be with his family and watch his baby girl grow up..that brakes my heart so much. I dont cry so much any more I have a handle on it but when I feel like I do it helps to get it all out all these feelings I have. My dad also was trying to help he said he got this book and wanted to know if I wanted to read it so I asked what is the title of it he said "Just get over it" and I was kind of upset so I told him that book is not for me dad. I cant just get over it I will never get over it but I am getting through each and every day without my son and it is hard. But I had a really good conversation with my father we talked for about an hour or so it was nice. He dont understand but he hates see me hurt so much he told me. Well I am making each day its a stuggle but Im doing it. I have my days. Well wanted to share that today.
thank you

Permalink Reply by mary on April 3, 2009 at 9:33am

I am having a very hard time with losing two sons. They drowned at Kinzua Resevoir, Warren County, PA on July 15, 2008. Stephen 19 jumped from a bridge and landed wrong and Vincent 21 who was fishing from shore swam out to save him. Both were excellent swimmers but Vince couldnt save him and I will never know why, but all I know is he gave up his own life to save his brother. They found them seven hours later. Vince was still holding onto his brother. I cry every time I say this. They were on a camping trip with my x husband and his brother and some friends. I was not with them.

My heart is broken. They were wonderful boys who were just starting to become men. I honestly dont know if I will ever be the same again. We were very, very close. They have two older brothers who really are havig a terrible time. Im trying to be strong, but I feel so alone. I went through a horrific divorce after fleeing my house because of abuse. People at the funeral home donated money to help with the burial and mailed money to our former house, my x husband took it all, even money donated by my neighbors. I had to file a police report, but he still kept the money and only returned four checks in my name. Imagine having to go through that at a time like that? My Mother passed away in April of 2004, after suffering a heart attack two days after my oldest son came back from Iraq. My Father is gone, all my aunts have passed away, I have one brother and my fathers 90 yo brother left. I'm not sure how much a body can take!
The physical pain and sorrow is with my daily and doent seem to be easing up. I am trying so hard to move forward... I started a project to build a skatepark in their honor locally because they had thousands of friends who are still grieving terribly for them and I thought it could help us all to move in a positive direction. It is working and the support is amazing from all in the community and beyond. www.pitcherpark.com. Although this is helping me as well, it doesn't take away the daily pain I feel for my sons, that didn't really have a chance to live. They would have made a big diffence in our world and it hurts me to know that that is not going to happen now.
i know what it is like to be in shock. I have lost parents and relatives, but there is such a strong physical, emotional and mental tie being a Mother with their children that it is so different...they were a part of me!

Permalink Reply by Linda crawley on April 3, 2009 at 10:21am

Mary, I am so sorry! What a horrible loss you have suffered. I know there are no words to help, but try to believe they are in a special place. Vincent was an angel trying to save his brother. he knew it was a risk, but he went forward anyway. That is a strength in itself. I know the emptiness you feel, and even though I lost one son, it is still a loss know one can imagine unless they have gone through this. It has almost been 5 months since my Joe passed, and even today, i feel like he should come back. I keep waiting, but he does not. I think your effort to build the skatepark is a wonderful tribute to both of their lives. After all else you have gone through, you are stronger than you realize. remarkable as well. I am glad you are here with us and we always will be. Please hang in there, and I will be donating to your wonderful project. I too am involved with one for my son and his disease. Pleas feel free to look at Joes memorial site. Lindahttp://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/joethellsmemories/Homepage.aspx

mary said:

I am having a very hard time with losing two sons. They drowned at Kinzua Resevoir, Warren County, PA on July 15, 2008. Stephen 19 jumped from a bridge and landed wrong and Vincent 21 who was fishing from shore swam out to save him. Both were excellent swimmers but Vince couldnt save him and I will never know why, but all I know is he gave up his own life to save his brother. They found them seven hours later. Vince was still holding onto his brother. I cry every time I say this. They were on a camping trip with my x husband and his brother and some friends. I was not with them.

My heart is broken. They were wonderful boys who were just starting to become men. I honestly dont know if I will ever be the same again. We were very, very close. They have two older brothers who really are havig a terrible time. Im trying to be strong, but I feel so alone. I went through a horrific divorce after fleeing my house because of abuse. People at the funeral home donated money to help with the burial and mailed money to our former house, my x husband took it all, even money donated by my neighbors. I had to file a police report, but he still kept the money and only returned four checks in my name. Imagine having to go through that at a time like that? My Mother passed away in April of 2004, after suffering a heart attack two days after my oldest son came back from Iraq. My Father is gone, all my aunts have passed away, I have one brother and my fathers 90 yo brother left. I'm not sure how much a body can take!
The physical pain and sorrow is with my daily and doent seem to be easing up. I am trying so hard to move forward... I started a project to build a skatepark in their honor locally because they had thousands of friends who are still grieving terribly for them and I thought it could help us all to move in a positive direction. It is working and the support is amazing from all in the community and beyond. www.pitcherpark.com. Although this is helping me as well, it doesn't take away the daily pain I feel for my sons, that didn't really have a chance to live. They would have made a big diffence in our world and it hurts me to know that that is not going to happen now.
i know what it is like to be in shock. I have lost parents and relatives, but there is such a strong physical, emotional and mental tie being a Mother with their children that it is so different...they were a part of me!

Permalink Reply by kristi on April 3, 2009 at 2:35pm

hi,i just wanted to say sorry for all your losses,to tell you i lost my son in 2006 i had chest pains and i didnt know what was going on,a couple of months later i had more pain in my chest so i went to the doctor and they said that i was having mild heart attacks,the loss that we are all taking from loosing someone it does something to all of us.now i am on medication for my heart because i have high blood pressure now.ok for mary i dont know how to deal with one loss of a son i told my other 2 kids and husband if i loose anybody else in my life put me somewere because i dont know if i can deal with the losses anymore.to tell you i felt like i lost another son in january11th my sons friend got in a fight they stabbed him in the eye and he died,his dad was devasted and he wouldnt do anything but sit in his room.well march 13th we got a phone call saying that the day had passed away from a heartattack,my heart is hurting for the mom and the wife.she doesnt look good at all.but i am just telling every one take care of your self because this stuff does not do a verygood job on your body.thank you for listening but i just wanted to share this with all of you so you take care of your self.and elaine i made it down to the twin cities and back almost started to cry but didnt people asked me how i was doing and tears came to my eyes and that was it,i changed the subject fast.thanks for listening kristi

Permalink Reply by mary on April 4, 2009 at 11:20pm

Hi Kristi...well although my heart is broken, I pray that I dont get chest pains! My blood pressure went up when it happened for days. I called the dr and finally went when i had the sinus infection that everyone here had for three weeks and they told me it was normal. I just feel totally drained...all the time. I have lost my umph to do much actually. I have been trying my best just to keep going day by day. My whole body aches at times and I feel like Ive aged years in months. Just wondering though...does this ease with time? When does the crying every day ease up? It is still so hard for me to believe...although I know it did... it just hits me so hard all of a sudden. My older sons have a hard time being around me and I have a hard time being around them...although we do things...it's just not the same without all four of them together. Thank God I spent the time I did with them.... but it's just that as a Mother.. I always worried and now that they are in Heaven.. and I shouldn't worry... I still am. It just hurts so much!!!

Permalink Reply by kristi on April 5, 2009 at 12:39pm

HI MARY,OK I HAVE BEEN THROU THIS FOR 2 AND A HALF YEARS.YES I KNOW IT IS HARD,I LOST ONE I LOST MY MIND AND EVERYTHING.BUT WHAT HELPS ME NOW IS TO GO TO SUPPORT GROUPS IN YOUR TOWN,ON HOLIDAYS GO OUT THERE LIKE EASTER BY THERE GRAVE GIVE THEM A PLATE OF FOOD AND SOME CANDY,IF YOU CELEBRATE EASTER I SHOULD SAY HA?AND ON THERE BIRTHDAYS MAKE THERE FAVORITE FOOD AND A CAKE AND GO OUT THERE AND SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THEM,AND I WRITE IN A JOURNAL AND THEY SAY LIGHT A CANDLE TO.AND THE CRYING DOES GET LESS UNTIL THE HOLIDAYS AND THE ANNIVESARY OF THERE DEATH IS HERE,AND THERE BIRTHDAYS.BUT AND THEY SAY TO TALK ABOUT THEM LIKE THEY WERE STILL THERE,MARY IT IS HARD LOOSING ONE BUT TWO I WOULD OF LOST MY MIND,I PROBLY WOULD OF WENT RIGHT ALONG WITH THEM.BUT MY HEART DID WITH MY SON.HE WAS ONLY 16 WHEN HE DIED I WOULDNT TALK TO ANYBODY AND MY DAD AND MOM WOULD CALL EVERYDAY TO SEE IF I WAS ALRIGHT OR NOT,I HAD A SISTERINLAW STAY UP HERE WITH ME FOR A WEEK.I HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT WAS OLDER THAN MY SON AND I HAVE A YOUNGER SON TO.WHAT I DID ALL THE TIME WAS TAKE FOOD OUT THERE OR JUST SIT AND TALK TO HIM,BUT I HAVENT DID THAT FOR AWHILE BECAUSE OF THE SNOW BUT I WILL BE UP TO SEE HIM NEXT WEEKEND FOR EASTER,MAKE SUPPER AND BRING A PLATE OUT THERE FOR HIM.BUT MY YOUNGEST SON WENT TO HIS FRIENDS AND I WENT AND PICKED THEM UP AND I WENT PASSED THE CEMETARY AND SAT THERE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES BECAUSE SNOW IS STILL THERE.AND WHEN I WAS READY TO GO I SAID I HAVE TO COME OUT HERE NEXT SUNDAY AND BRING EVERETTE SOME FOOD AND CANDY AND MY YOUNGEST SON SAID YEAH MOM YOU HAVENT DID THAT FOR ALONG TIME,I FELT GUILTY BECAUSE OF IT AND NOW THAT IT IS BECOMING NICE OUT AND THAN I WILL BE THERE ALMOST EVERYDAY THAT I HAVE OFF.BUT MARY SUPPORT GROUPS HELP THEY KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROU.I WENT TO GO SEE A COUNSLOR I FOR GOT WHAT THERE CALLED BUT ANYWAYS AND THEY DIDNT WORK THEY JUST SAT THERE AND CHARGED ME AN ARM AND A LEG FOR JUST SITTING THERE I FINALLY WENT A SUPPORT GROUP AND IT HAS HELPED I CANT STOP GOING BECAUSE MY SON WAS SUPPOSE TO GRADUATE THIS YEAR AND IT WILL BE THE TOUGHEST THING I EVER WENT THROU BESIDES HIM PASSING AWAY.BUT PLEASE AND TRY LOOKING THE SUPPORT GROUP UP AND TALKING ABOUT YOUR SONS I FOUND OUT YOU TALK ABOUT THEM THE EASIER IT GETS THE PAIN IS LESS.THE CRYING WILL NEVER STOP I HAVE MY DAYS WERE I JUST GO IN MY BEDROOM AND CRY AND NO ONE BUGS ME.AND IF I GET SAD I START CRYING MY YOUNGEST SON JUST GIVES ME HUG AND I FEEL BETTER.WELL SORRY FOR BUGGING YOU BUT I FEEL BETTER FOR HELPING OTHERS OUT BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THROU IT TO.TAKE CARE AND I AM HEAR FOR YOU OK.THANKS TAKE CARE AND LET ME KNOW HOW YOU DO ON EASTER OK?I WORK SO MY MIND WILL BE SOME WERE ELSE.KRISTI

Permalink Reply by Twila on April 6, 2009 at 10:39am

I am sorry for your loss the heartache you feel knowing that one was trying to save the other my heart aches for you. I have been reading to understand the pain parents go thru but there are no magic words that anyone can say to you or you can read that will make it any better maybe to understand that you are not the only one going through it and there are people out there that do know just how you feel. I miss my son with each day that he is not here it feels like my heart was pulled from my body..And it does take all my energy to do just daily tasks. I go and sit with him and visit with him it helps me. But the Yearning I feel to hear his voice and see his face again will always be with me..and that is the hardest. My heart is with you has a mother who has lost a good son also. And I feel the same I will not get to see my son become a man or be a good father to his daughter whom he loved very much. She will know he loved her so much for the short time he got to spend with her. I still have a piece of my son and my granddaughter looks just like her dad each day she gets older. I dont get to see her as much as I would like but when I do I make it special. She is all I have left of him..someone said I was lucky to have her and I am but I want my child my son to be here. He was my baby boy mine..My heart goes out to you and take gentle care of you..I am sorry and I do understand..
Twila

mary said:

I am having a very hard time with losing two sons. They drowned at Kinzua Resevoir, Warren County, PA on July 15, 2008. Stephen 19 jumped from a bridge and landed wrong and Vincent 21 who was fishing from shore swam out to save him. Both were excellent swimmers but Vince couldnt save him and I will never know why, but all I know is he gave up his own life to save his brother. They found them seven hours later. Vince was still holding onto his brother. I cry every time I say this. They were on a camping trip with my x husband and his brother and some friends. I was not with them.

My heart is broken. They were wonderful boys who were just starting to become men. I honestly dont know if I will ever be the same again. We were very, very close. They have two older brothers who really are havig a terrible time. Im trying to be strong, but I feel so alone. I went through a horrific divorce after fleeing my house because of abuse. People at the funeral home donated money to help with the burial and mailed money to our former house, my x husband took it all, even money donated by my neighbors. I had to file a police report, but he still kept the money and only returned four checks in my name. Imagine having to go through that at a time like that? My Mother passed away in April of 2004, after suffering a heart attack two days after my oldest son came back from Iraq. My Father is gone, all my aunts have passed away, I have one brother and my fathers 90 yo brother left. I'm not sure how much a body can take!
The physical pain and sorrow is with my daily and doent seem to be easing up. I am trying so hard to move forward... I started a project to build a skatepark in their honor locally because they had thousands of friends who are still grieving terribly for them and I thought it could help us all to move in a positive direction. It is working and the support is amazing from all in the community and beyond. www.pitcherpark.com. Although this is helping me as well, it doesn't take away the daily pain I feel for my sons, that didn't really have a chance to live. They would have made a big diffence in our world and it hurts me to know that that is not going to happen now.
i know what it is like to be in shock. I have lost parents and relatives, but there is such a strong physical, emotional and mental tie being a Mother with their children that it is so different...they were a part of me!

Permalink Reply by mary on April 6, 2009 at 10:58am

Thank you Twila for your kind words. I just feel so lost without them....so all alone. I have one brother, some cousins and an elderly Uncle all living far away from me. I do have friends and many people know me but when they see me I feel their sadness and it makes me feel even sadder. During the funeral and after I spent my time consoling other people. It took my mind away from my own pain for a while but now after being so close, watching them so closely all my life... my life, the one I knew, has ended. My two other sons are older and starting their own lives... I dont know what I expect of them, but they can't be around me all the time and naturally I want them to start their own lives as hard as it is for them after this tragedy. It's so hard to remain strong, but what are my choices? These two were different. They, without words., were always around to help me, to make me relax and enjoy things. They would tell me Mom you have to chill, go out, relax and I keep hearing them in my head saying that, but it is exremely hard as you know all to well. I was always the type that would face adversity and make it and believe that something good would come from even the worst of things...but with this....it's just so hard to understand, why? how could it? what if? maybe if? and what the future could possibly hold.

I am so thankful for the time we had together...and because of the way I was as a Mother, I have no regrets , none! and Im lucky to know that they loved me just as much, but even that right now, doesn't ease the pain within me.

Twila said:

I am sorry for your loss the heartache you feel knowing that one was trying to save the other my heart aches for you. I have been reading to understand the pain parents go thru but there are no magic words that anyone can say to you or you can read that will make it any better maybe to understand that you are not the only one going through it and there are people out there that do know just how you feel. I miss my son with each day that he is not here it feels like my heart was pulled from my body..And it does take all my energy to do just daily tasks. I go and sit with him and visit with him it helps me. But the Yearning I feel to hear his voice and see his face again will always be with me..and that is the hardest. My heart is with you has a mother who has lost a good son also. And I feel the same I will not get to see my son become a man or be a good father to his daughter whom he loved very much. She will know he loved her so much for the short time he got to spend with her. I still have a piece of my son and my granddaughter looks just like her dad each day she gets older. I dont get to see her as much as I would like but when I do I make it special. She is all I have left of him..someone said I was lucky to have her and I am but I want my child my son to be here. He was my baby boy mine..My heart goes out to you and take gentle care of you..I am sorry and I do understand..
Twila

mary said:

I am having a very hard time with losing two sons. They drowned at Kinzua Resevoir, Warren County, PA on July 15, 2008. Stephen 19 jumped from a bridge and landed wrong and Vincent 21 who was fishing from shore swam out to save him. Both were excellent swimmers but Vince couldnt save him and I will never know why, but all I know is he gave up his own life to save his brother. They found them seven hours later. Vince was still holding onto his brother. I cry every time I say this. They were on a camping trip with my x husband and his brother and some friends. I was not with them.

My heart is broken. They were wonderful boys who were just starting to become men. I honestly dont know if I will ever be the same again. We were very, very close. They have two older brothers who really are havig a terrible time. Im trying to be strong, but I feel so alone. I went through a horrific divorce after fleeing my house because of abuse. People at the funeral home donated money to help with the burial and mailed money to our former house, my x husband took it all, even money donated by my neighbors. I had to file a police report, but he still kept the money and only returned four checks in my name. Imagine having to go through that at a time like that? My Mother passed away in April of 2004, after suffering a heart attack two days after my oldest son came back from Iraq. My Father is gone, all my aunts have passed away, I have one brother and my fathers 90 yo brother left. I'm not sure how much a body can take!
The physical pain and sorrow is with my daily and doent seem to be easing up. I am trying so hard to move forward... I started a project to build a skatepark in their honor locally because they had thousands of friends who are still grieving terribly for them and I thought it could help us all to move in a positive direction. It is working and the support is amazing from all in the community and beyond. www.pitcherpark.com. Although this is helping me as well, it doesn't take away the daily pain I feel for my sons, that didn't really have a chance to live. They would have made a big diffence in our world and it hurts me to know that that is not going to happen now.
i know what it is like to be in shock. I have lost parents and relatives, but there is such a strong physical, emotional and mental tie being a Mother with their children that it is so different...they were a part of me!

Permalink Reply by Twila on April 6, 2009 at 11:58am

Mary I wrote this for my son to give family and friends understanding of what I feel and was going thru writing helps me also..I dont know if you read it but it helps.


Thursday, January 15, 2009
About my world now...
After you have loss someone who is a part of you there is this buzz of activity with family, relatives and friends coming together there is comfort in the closeness of family and friends in sharing tears and hugs and the being there for you..The Services give a meaning and hope as the community gathers around us in love and support. When everything is over family, relatives and friends go home and back to their lives, we are left to enter a strange but different world where this one person that gave you meaning in your life is gone..now there are spaces in my mind and spaces in my days and nights. And when we least expect it the heartache of pain comes back and back like the waves on the ocean crashing down on the sand over and over again. And this goes on for a very long time for days and I have now been told years because the loved one loss was so close to me my child..But Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry and talk about him than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him and I need to do it over and over. So be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying, sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may start. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand. Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don’t want to upset me. You can't catch my grief because it is always there. If you don’t' know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm and gently say "I'm Sorry". You can even say "I just don't know what to say" but I care, and want you to know that. Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have the time to find out. I am not strong right now I am just numb and in shock. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me..I will not recover, this is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick I am grieving and that's the different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but the person I was when he was here with me. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same person I was Never..
I will not always be grieving as intensely but I will never forget my son and rather than recover I want to remember his life and the love of a mother I shared with my son for the rest of my life. He was a part of me and always will be and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear and both are okay.
I don’t have to accept his death but yes I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is gone so please don’t make it worse by telling me I'm not doing it right. I don't even understand what you mean when you say "you've got to move on and get on with your life" or "you have other children." My life is going on I have been forced too. I will never be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today and know that your love and support will help me to find the joy that will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I will cry. I need to know that you care about me I need to be hugged and feel your touch. I need to be with you my friends and family. I need to know you believe in me and my ability to get through my grief in my own way and in my own time. Please don't say " Call me if you need anything" I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So in advance, let me give you some ideas:
1. Come over and see me visit with me only if you have the time to really hear how I feel that day.
2. Talk about my son to me and be sure to mention his name you can't make me cry the tears are always there.
3. Ask me more then once to join you to do anything I may say no at first or even for awhile but please don't give up on me. Because somewhere down the line I may be ready and if you've given up then I’m really be alone.
4. Understand how difficult it if for me to be surrounded by people and families with their children knowing that one of mine is gone.
Please don’t judge me now or think that I’m behaving strangely. Remember I’m grieving and in shock and I’m afraid. I’m feeling angry because I ask myself over and over WHY! WHY! And get no answer.. I hate that we have to live to die, I should be the one to go first but then I stop and think well there is a reason god wanted him because he was the best son a mother could ask for…But above all I hurt I am experiencing pain unlike any I have ever felt in my life and one that cannot be imagined by anyone that has not walked in these shoes of losing a child. When your child has shared hopes and dreams with you and you wanted nothing in the world for them to get them dreams and hopes..Don’t worry, if you think I am getting better and then suddenly I slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way. And please don’t tell me you know how I feel or that it’s time to get on with my life for my other children. Because what I need now is time and understanding to grieve my son. Most of all thank you for just being there your thoughts and prayers and patience and most of all thank you very much for caring.
Remember in the days or years ahead, when you need me as I have needed you I will be there to give you what you have given me Patience and understanding and most importantly caring.
Signed Twila Aulaumea for my Son Siaosi Aulaumea Jr. 09-17-1990-12-12-2008

Permalink Reply by mary on April 8, 2009 at 10:02am

That was beautiful Twila and I could not have said it any better! Despite the fact that I dont have much family left and no husband.... I do have a lot of friends around me and should try not to be so negative. It's hard though...every day!
I have never had to push myself this hard for any reason in my entire life!

Permalink Reply by mary on April 8, 2009 at 5:25pm

Twila said:

Mary I wrote this for my son to give family and friends understanding of what I feel and was going thru writing helps me also..I dont know if you read it but it helps.


Thursday, January 15, 2009
About my world now...
After you have loss someone who is a part of you there is this buzz of activity with family, relatives and friends coming together there is comfort in the closeness of family and friends in sharing tears and hugs and the being there for you..The Services give a meaning and hope as the community gathers around us in love and support. When everything is over family, relatives and friends go home and back to their lives, we are left to enter a strange but different world where this one person that gave you meaning in your life is gone..now there are spaces in my mind and spaces in my days and nights. And when we least expect it the heartache of pain comes back and back like the waves on the ocean crashing down on the sand over and over again. And this goes on for a very long time for days and I have now been told years because the loved one loss was so close to me my child..But Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry and talk about him than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him and I need to do it over and over. So be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying, sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may start. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand. Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don’t want to upset me. You can't catch my grief because it is always there. If you don’t' know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm and gently say "I'm Sorry". You can even say "I just don't know what to say" but I care, and want you to know that. Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have the time to find out. I am not strong right now I am just numb and in shock. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me..I will not recover, this is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick I am grieving and that's the different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but the person I was when he was here with me. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same person I was Never..
I will not always be grieving as intensely but I will never forget my son and rather than recover I want to remember his life and the love of a mother I shared with my son for the rest of my life. He was a part of me and always will be and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear and both are okay.
I don’t have to accept his death but yes I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is gone so please don’t make it worse by telling me I'm not doing it right. I don't even understand what you mean when you say "you've got to move on and get on with your life" or "you have other children." My life is going on I have been forced too. I will never be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today and know that your love and support will help me to find the joy that will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I will cry. I need to know that you care about me I need to be hugged and feel your touch. I need to be with you my friends and family. I need to know you believe in me and my ability to get through my grief in my own way and in my own time. Please don't say " Call me if you need anything" I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So in advance, let me give you some ideas:
1. Come over and see me visit with me only if you have the time to really hear how I feel that day.
2. Talk about my son to me and be sure to mention his name you can't make me cry the tears are always there.
3. Ask me more then once to join you to do anything I may say no at first or even for awhile but please don't give up on me. Because somewhere down the line I may be ready and if you've given up then I’m really be alone.
4. Understand how difficult it if for me to be surrounded by people and families with their children knowing that one of mine is gone.
Please don’t judge me now or think that I’m behaving strangely. Remember I’m grieving and in shock and I’m afraid. I’m feeling angry because I ask myself over and over WHY! WHY! And get no answer.. I hate that we have to live to die, I should be the one to go first but then I stop and think well there is a reason god wanted him because he was the best son a mother could ask for…But above all I hurt I am experiencing pain unlike any I have ever felt in my life and one that cannot be imagined by anyone that has not walked in these shoes of losing a child. When your child has shared hopes and dreams with you and you wanted nothing in the world for them to get them dreams and hopes..Don’t worry, if you think I am getting better and then suddenly I slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way. And please don’t tell me you know how I feel or that it’s time to get on with my life for my other children. Because what I need now is time and understanding to grieve my son. Most of all thank you for just being there your thoughts and prayers and patience and most of all thank you very much for caring.
Remember in the days or years ahead, when you need me as I have needed you I will be there to give you what you have given me Patience and understanding and most importantly caring.
Signed Twila Aulaumea for my Son Siaosi Aulaumea Jr. 09-17-1990-12-12-2008

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