Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on May 26, 2009 at 9:52am

I do not accept this idea of calling my child a vilomaed or whatever you have concocted from whatever resource You were BROWSING. Loss is such a sensitive matter. It is one that should be sought out with patience, kindness, and longsuffering, because it is the expected due diligence of one suffering a loss. That in it of itself is naturally opposite that we are grieved. But for those individuals who do not have a framework of faith, to have to deal with any heartaches, let alone the loss of a child, is in itself empty. Life without faith is empty, because of the practical lessons, and all that things that the Lord wants to fill us with is made void by our determination to be filled with anything. Well, the bible says that HIS word will not return void. This simply means that just because we seek to name and embody ideas that are not sound, doesn't mean that they would ever override the law. I could say that an octagon has seven sides, start a movement on it, and have it sent to the legislation. All my efforts in the end of trudging such a dark path, a long and dreary labour of vanity, are going to be void. To suggest that there could be a word to define the loss of a child is avoidance. Some things are not ordered for a purpose, because, it is God's perfect order that it should not be. There is no word to describe the Crucifixion of My Lord. Because it was such a dastardly act it can only ever be describes in as much that it is, The Crucifixion of Christ. That is the descriptive manual. In as much is the Loss, passing, transition, or death of a child. The matters self describes itself on such a universal platform, that it needs no further introduction. To wit, it is what it is, and to attempt some meandering of sub-defining what IT is, is an insult to those whom cross that It is to bare. I am seeing that in this age of hardships and open violence there is an undercurrent of panic rising from the populations. I believe these things begin with actions such as these. To attempt to define a thing that is in itself whole, is destructive. Like breaking apart the whole concept of intercourse, that we might fill it with our own meanings.You want to break apart a matter that is in its own perfect nucleus. That is like trying to dissect an atom. It is both destructive and explosive, and no good can come from it. Though we may be increased in knowledge in many things, some pursuits are not wise. That we should pursue these things to find wisdom in ourselves when the universe speaks it to us, so begins politics. Now we enter the politics of surmising the "DEATH OF A CHILD". A matter which is inter-defined, is now oddly perplexing, and has no meaning that we might find new meaning. The "death of one's child". A matter which held it own perfect forum, is now diametrically ambivalent to itself. It now means nothing. It means nothing, because the world has become so inconsistent, that it move right before our eyes in a whirlwind of fast paced, fast changing ideas. As the wind blows, so does the thoughts of our minds anymore. Who has time for a parents grief? ("Well I know it hurts and all, but you have got to move on.") Without root or foundation, we fly on the fancies of our imaginations in a pursuit of vanity, to become all thinking and all knowing. It never ceases to amaze me how in the most intelligent generation of the race of man kind is also the most incoherent. We have some of the largest gaps in graduation rates, and we are falling behind the universal population in intelligence and manufacturing. Why is this so? Perhaps it is because this generation's child has loss it's ability to pay attention to our abstract, inconsistent methodology. Perhaps it is because they can no longer learn in their classrooms because, the teacher needs to expound first on the origin of mankind. We have become off topic, and therefore off base with our futile tangents of the unimagined. The vain pursuit of what if. The void effort of finding out rather the chicken or the egg came first. If you crack it open and eat it, and it nourishes you, move on to something else. The chicken and ITS egg is already in its perfect order. As is "The grieving parent". No further explanation required. Thank you.

fran said:

This might be helpful. It appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer for Memorial Day.

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/opinion/20090524_Giving_parents__los...

Posted on Sun, May. 24, 2009


Giving parents' loss a name
On Memorial Day, or any day a child is grieved, Sanskrit suggests a word for the bewildering blow: "Viloma."

Karla FC Holloway is the James B. Duke Professor of English at Duke University and author of Passed On: African American Mourning Stories

In a National Public Radio essay nearly three years ago, I pondered the lack of a word for parents whose child has died. I remember I said it must be a quiet word, like our grief, but clear in its claim.

I recalled the word that Lady Bird Johnson wanted no part of when her husband, President Lyndon B. Johnson, died - widow, related to a Sanskrit word meaning "empty." She was not empty, she asserted. She was grieving. But at least she had a word to resist.

On this Memorial Day, when we remember those who have died in war, we are still without a word that identifies their survivors' loss. That denies them whatever notice words like orphan and widow may provide.

Grief leaves a melancholy and sometimes nameless company.

I've noticed this absence for each of the days, months, and even years since our son's death. I've leafed through the letters and e-mails from parents whose children have died, through the photographs mailed to me of T-shirts with the faces of dead children on them and images from sidewalk memorials.

These were sent and shared by parents whose children's deaths inverted the natural order of things and forced their mothers and fathers to do the business of burying. That ought to have been the labor of a grown child, not a task for their parents.

I have heard there is a Chinese saying that the gray-haired should not bury the black-haired. Of course. It is an offense to the order of things.

This idea of orderliness and the disorder of a child's death eventually brought me back to the word widow. And as creative as I thought I might be with language, as liberal as I was willing to be in borrowing a word from another language - maybe from Swahili or Greek, French or Thai - or even creating one myself from a collection of letters that I might shape into the meaning I needed, I returned to the language that had already given us one word. I considered that Sanskrit might locate another.

And I found viloma.

Viloma means "against a natural order." As in, the gray-haired should not bury those with black hair. As in, our children should not precede us in death. If they do, we are vilomaed.

Each Memorial Day, there is a mourning that defies a natural order. But it extends beyond war. We need a name because of what happened at Columbine and Virginia Tech, for when a child is found beneath the rubble of an earthquake, or for dusty children who starve to death in Darfur. The numbers grow daily - with drive-bys and carelessness, with genocides and accidents, illnesses and suicide.

Viloma is a name for the grief we represent. It might sound odd at first. But we have grown used to the word widow. It's not much different, and it shares the same etymology.

And unfortunately, these days can give us ways and means abundantly to grow accustomed to a viloma. A parent whose child has died is a viloma.

Watch the evening news and you will see a viloma. Scan the news on the Web and you will read about a viloma. Walk through your neighborhood and there are homes with vilomas inside.

The difference between today's grief and tomorrow's is that now there is a name. Viloma. A parent whose child has died.

Permalink Reply by kristi on May 26, 2009 at 10:14am

you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all the kids want me there.there is a purpose for that,that they want me there they all still rememeber my son.what am i suppose to do tell them to move on and not think about him?they do,they planted a tree outside the high school for my son and it is blooming just like he did when he was alive.the words MOVE ON ARE NEVER GOING TO BE PART OF MY VOLCABULAY TILL THE DAY I DIE,I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM AND HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE HERE TO GO TO COLLEGE AND TO HAVE A FAMILY AND STUFF,MAYBE AFTER SUNDAY I WILL LET GO OF SOMETHINGS NOW THAT HIS TEEN YEARS ARE FINALLY OVER,I THINK ABOUT HOW TALL HE WOULD OF BEEN,HOW HE SMILED ALL THE TIME,I THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT OF BEEN.HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE HERE TO GRADUATE AND I AM GOING TO PUT HIM ALITTLE AWAY WHEN IT IS OVER TILL THAN YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT.AND I HATE THEM WORDS REALLY BAD,IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE PEOPLE WANT ME TO FORGET THAT MY SON WAS ON THIS EARTH TO LIVE AND PERTECT HIS SISTER AND BROTHER.HIS SISTER IS OLDER BUT HE STILL WATCHED OVER HER,AND HIS BROTHER WAS ONLY 10 WHEN HE PASSED AWAY HE IS MISSING HIM DEARLY AND ICAN TELL WHEN HE HAS A BAD DAY,I JUST TELL HIM IT IS ALL RIGHT FOR HIM TO CRY.I AM NOT GOING TO TELL ANYBODY EVER TO GET OVER IT.

Permalink Reply by mary on May 26, 2009 at 11:03am

I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.

Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D

I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.

kristi said:

you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all the kids want me there.there is a purpose for that,that they want me there they all still rememeber my son.what am i suppose to do tell them to move on and not think about him?they do,they planted a tree outside the high school for my son and it is blooming just like he did when he was alive.the words MOVE ON ARE NEVER GOING TO BE PART OF MY VOLCABULAY TILL THE DAY I DIE,I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM AND HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE HERE TO GO TO COLLEGE AND TO HAVE A FAMILY AND STUFF,MAYBE AFTER SUNDAY I WILL LET GO OF SOMETHINGS NOW THAT HIS TEEN YEARS ARE FINALLY OVER,I THINK ABOUT HOW TALL HE WOULD OF BEEN,HOW HE SMILED ALL THE TIME,I THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT OF BEEN.HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE HERE TO GRADUATE AND I AM GOING TO PUT HIM ALITTLE AWAY WHEN IT IS OVER TILL THAN YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT.AND I HATE THEM WORDS REALLY BAD,IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE PEOPLE WANT ME TO FORGET THAT MY SON WAS ON THIS EARTH TO LIVE AND PERTECT HIS SISTER AND BROTHER.HIS SISTER IS OLDER BUT HE STILL WATCHED OVER HER,AND HIS BROTHER WAS ONLY 10 WHEN HE PASSED AWAY HE IS MISSING HIM DEARLY AND ICAN TELL WHEN HE HAS A BAD DAY,I JUST TELL HIM IT IS ALL RIGHT FOR HIM TO CRY.I AM NOT GOING TO TELL ANYBODY EVER TO GET OVER IT.

Permalink Reply by kristi on May 26, 2009 at 11:37am

thank you for your words,yes but it haunts me sometimes because when he died everyone came and told us that if i dont make it tell my mom and dad i love them it haunts me all the time,my younger son does that to me,when icall to wake him up for school and he changed voices he is 13 and he sounds like my son everette that passes away.its nice but it is scary.he doesnt go anywere thinking something is going to happen to us,we have kids over all weekend from friday to sunday i dont mind it but it gets rough i just say cant you go to your friends one day out of the weekend.thanks for listening.it just gets hard when people use them words you will never forget especially when my son got shot by his friend and his friend is graduating sunday to,it will be hard seeing him live his life.but he has broken up with his girlfriend he has gotten depressed his mom said he doesnt do anything but sit in his room.thank for listening i will be here anytime to talk ok.and now that swimming and stuff comes it will be hard for you,but we will keep our chins up right?thanks kristi

mary said:

I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.

Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D

I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.

kristi said:

you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all t

Permalink Reply by kristi on May 26, 2009 at 12:03pm

mary that is so neat of you to do for your 2 sons,that was a good article,i tried to write something in there and it wouldnt let me it said closed to further comments.it was nice to see the pictures and stuff to.but yes what you said in there i was up for 37 hours no one left my side at all for a week,my dad and mom called me everyday to see how i was doing and it finally let down after a week or two.i know they care but it got over welming.and to this day it has been almost 3 years and still people want to cry when i talk about my son i said you are suppose to talk about him,and now that graduation is near and they put a memorial page in the year book now they are talking about him and the year book and they are saddened but i just keep my head up and say it is alright cry if you want i said i will have mine on sunday.i get a little tears in my eyes but they do the crying for me as i do it at home not at work.thanks for listening and thank you for sharing that with me.i did adopt highway sign for my son.

mary said:

I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.

Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D

I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.

kristi said:

you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all the kids want me there.there is a purpose for that,that

Permalink Reply by Susan on May 26, 2009 at 12:25pm

Hi Kristi and Mary,
I agree with you. Yesterday was a bad day for me, because everytime we cook out I think of the last time Daniel, John and Jasmine grill . I see him out their too. But, how can you move on as they say when you are empty. when your arm ach for that touch you once hail, that kiss that bush against your face, When he was going out the door, that he will never come back through.How do you move on when you look at the phone and expect that call to be your son.I will never forget that little baby boy became a man. And his man hood cut short because of another person and choice that they made.Wake up the next day without him is as far as move on I'm going to do. As long as I live he will live. Everyone will know about Daniel, because he will live on through the picture and the joy he brought me and his brother and sister. And the love that he had for family.The good times and bad is what I have and I will keep them safe forever and share every chance I get. Kristi, I hope you go Sunday to Everette graduation he may not be sitting their but he will be through you. Food for thought. Thank for listening. Susan (Daniel's Mom).








kristi said:

thank you for your words,yes but it haunts me sometimes because when he died everyone came and told us that if i dont make it tell my mom and dad i love them it haunts me all the time,my younger son does that to me,when icall to wake him up for school and he changed voices he is 13 and he sounds like my son everette that passes away.its nice but it is scary.he doesnt go anywere thinking something is going to happen to us,we have kids over all weekend from friday to sunday i dont mind it but it gets rough i just say cant you go to your friends one day out of the weekend.thanks for listening.it just gets hard when people use them words you will never forget especially when my son got shot by his friend and his friend is graduating sunday to,it will be hard seeing him live his life.but he has broken up with his girlfriend he has gotten depressed his mom said he doesnt do anything but sit in his room.thank for listening i will be here anytime to talk ok.and now that swimming and stuff comes it will be hard for you,but we will keep our chins up right?thanks kristi

mary said:

I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.

Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D

I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.

kristi said:

you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all t

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on May 26, 2009 at 9:34pm

In all your getting, (angry, emotional, victimized,) get some understanding. Those were quotation marks. One can choose to live in fear and hurt, But as for me, (maybe it was the heart arrythmias, or the anxiety attacks) I will remember in love. Not fear, anger, or any other emotion that takes away from the beauty of my son's life. I would not have made it another month carrying the burden in my heart, let alone years. My life certainly is not my own to take, therefore, I am charged to look forward. I do not take for granted that it has become apparent to me how fleeting life is, therefore, I am not going to spend whatever I have left of it shut up in turmoil. If that is how anyone else chooses to live, well, to each their own soul salvation. I cursed the sun the day my son died. I will never curse the earth again. From the earth we come, to the earth we shall return. It is the circle of life. We are not all going to live to be a hundred. I am not going to sit in fear of my number because I had to say good bye to my son. I will be going to a reunion soon, and there I will see all the friends that I have not seen in years, people I said goodbye to long ago and never expected to see again, now we are going to be reunited. I know that it will be the same jubilation when I finish my journey, and see my son again. And am reunited with his soul. Who knows how many times we have known one another in our lives, and said hello and goodbye again. I see the temporal passing. I am not subject to this place, this earth. My body will return there, my soul is the Lord's. As was my son's, and the Lord did with it what he saw fit. Will I now curse the Lord for my own retribution? No. So I rejoice that he has reclaimed that which was his, for it is his power to do so. Faith. Call it what you want. Maybe it is my feeble minds coping mechanism. But it is mine. As is any other's way theirs. None of us will pass away from the universe, although most of us will pass from the earth. This is how the Lord manages his kingdom. I take it as a compliment that he thought my son was ready to enter into. I leave the vengeance to him. This idea or belief frees me to live my own life, not a revolving despair of my son's passing. I have peace. Now, I dont worry about people hurting when I speak his name, because I'm not hurting anymore. So everyone is free to love. Love yourself enough to move forward. Not over, through. God bless you forum.

Permalink Reply by Linda crawley on May 27, 2009 at 8:00am

Tiffany, Your words are very touching and well put. You truly are an inspiration, and I thank you for writing this. You are also an angel!

tiffany wheatley said:

In all your getting, (angry, emotional, victimized,) get some understanding. Those were quotation marks. One can choose to live in fear and hurt, But as for me, (maybe it was the heart arrythmias, or the anxiety attacks) I will remember in love. Not fear, anger, or any other emotion that takes away from the beauty of my son's life. I would not have made it another month carrying the burden in my heart, let alone years. My life certainly is not my own to take, therefore, I am charged to look forward. I do not take for granted that it has become apparent to me how fleeting life is, therefore, I am not going to spend whatever I have left of it shut up in turmoil. If that is how anyone else chooses to live, well, to each their own soul salvation. I cursed the sun the day my son died. I will never curse the earth again. From the earth we come, to the earth we shall return. It is the circle of life. We are not all going to live to be a hundred. I am not going to sit in fear of my number because I had to say good bye to my son. I will be going to a reunion soon, and there I will see all the friends that I have not seen in years, people I said goodbye to long ago and never expected to see again, now we are going to be reunited. I know that it will be the same jubilation when I finish my journey, and see my son again. And am reunited with his soul. Who knows how many times we have known one another in our lives, and said hello and goodbye again. I see the temporal passing. I am not subject to this place, this earth. My body will return there, my soul is the Lord's. As was my son's, and the Lord did with it what he saw fit. Will I now curse the Lord for my own retribution? No. So I rejoice that he has reclaimed that which was his, for it is his power to do so. Faith. Call it what you want. Maybe it is my feeble minds coping mechanism. But it is mine. As is any other's way theirs. None of us will pass away from the universe, although most of us will pass from the earth. This is how the Lord manages his kingdom. I take it as a compliment that he thought my son was ready to enter into. I leave the vengeance to him. This idea or belief frees me to live my own life, not a revolving despair of my son's passing. I have peace. Now, I dont worry about people hurting when I speak his name, because I'm not hurting anymore. So everyone is free to love. Love yourself enough to move forward. Not over, through. God bless you forum.

Permalink Reply by sue on May 28, 2009 at 10:42am

Tiffany, bless you. I have some of the same feelings about my husband but I couldn't express it with the beautiful verbage you did. Thank you. Suep

Permalink Reply by richard mom on May 31, 2009 at 7:49pm

I AM SO VERY VERY VERY SORRY .THERE ARE SO MANY WAY WE COULD LOSE OUR SONS. BUT TO KNOW THAT ANOTHERS HAND DID IT. I'M SURE WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN EMOTIONS FOR WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES WERE.BUT THE ANGER YOU MUST FEEL.I'M SURE IT'S UNBEARABLE. I HAVE DAYS WERE IT HURTS TO BREATH AND FEEL LIKE I'VE AGED A THOUSAND YEARS.THE ONE THING THAT HELPED ME THE MOST WAS WRITING TO HIM EVERY THING I FELT, EVERY THING I WISH I'D SAID OR DONE.EVERY THING I'D THOUGHT ABOUT HIS LIFE SINCE THE DAY HE WAS BORN. EVERY THING I'D WANTED FOR HIM IN THE YEARS TO COME.NEEDLESS TO SAY I'M ON MY 3RD BOOK.IT KEEPS IT FROM JUST GOING ON AND ON IN MY MIND.I HAD SO MUCH TO LEARN THERE WAS NO WHEELING OR DEALING THAT WAS GOING TO CHANGE THIS.ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I READ WAS YOU CAN'T GO OVER IT,UNDER IT OR AROUND IT AND THERE IS NO RUNNING AWAY FROM IT. YOU HAVE TO GO THREW IT.KNOWING YOU ARE DOING WHATS RIGHT FOR YOU.

kristi said:

I LOST MY SON IN OCT 7TH,2006 HE WAS ONLY 16 WHEN HE PASSED AWAY AND I DIDNT FEEL ANY PAIN AT ALL BECAUSE I WAS NUMB.AND TILL THIS DAY I LOST MY MIND SOMEWHAT,I ASKED QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE THAT I WENT TO THE DOCTORS OR SOMETHING WITH.MY FRIENDS ARE STILL CONCERNED BECAUSE I FEEL STRONG BUT I FEEL I AM A BURDEN TO THEM IF I CRY OR IF I TALK ABOUT MY SON.WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY SON WENT TO HIS FRIENDS HOUSE HIS FRIEND WAS CLEANING HIS GUN HE SAID AND HE THOUGHT HE TOOK ALL THE BULLETS OUT OF THE GUN,POINTED THE GUN AT MY SON AND PULLED THE TRIGGER,THE KID WAS ONLY 15,HE GOT PROBATION TILL HE IS 19.2,987RESTITUTION AND 200 OF COMMUNITY SERVICE,EVERY ONE ASK IF IT WAS A ACCIDENT AND I ALWAYS SAY I AM THE MOM AND I DONT THINK SO BUT YOU ALL BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT TO.SO MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND I AM HERE TO TALK TO BECAUSE I NEED SOME ONE TO TALK TO.HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOUR SON?BUT I WENT TO SUPPORT GROUP AND THEY SAY TALK ABOUT THE DEATH OF YOUR FAMILY THAT HAVE BEEN GONE AND IT WILL HELP EASE THE PAIN AND I HAVE DONE THAT.AND IT HELPS.THANKS AND I HOPE WE TALK SOMEDAY.THANKS FOR LISTENING

Permalink Reply by mary on May 31, 2009 at 8:32pm

Hi Kristi... don't get me wrong...every day , every single day.. I think of them and start to cry. I think it's ok to do. Anything we do is ok. I feel down a lot. I feel like I have aged 10 years in less than one year. I get overwhelming feelings at times...like it's not real! AT times I feel they are with me. At times I feel totally alone. My Father passed away and then my Mother. I have one brother, two sons, one 90 year old uncle and four cousins...that's it! I am divorced. I have no one but my dog with me at home. I am not dating... I dont even care about dating. What do I say when I feel so down to someone who asks well, what's been happening in your life?
I am not strong. I never claimed to be. I've tried to remain strong for them. I know what they would want me to do. This skatepark is really a form of healing not only for me but for the community. It was bad for all of us not just me. We got approval to go ahead with the plans of the park but I wonder, when it's built...and the activity stops, how am I going to feel? Maybe by then I will have accepted everything more... and maybe seeing people enjoying a park built in their honor...will give me a sense of peace, but... right now...whatever I feel...whatever I say...however I act...it's all ok! No one knows but us what it feels like inside because as Mother's we have special bonds with our children..that even a Father cant feel.
I can honestly tell you I dont think I will ever be the same again, but I do believe in God and I know with all my heart and soul that they are with Him. Again, it doesn't ease our pain...because we are here and they aren't...and as a Mother...you can never stop worrying.... but we have to place our faith and our worry in God's hands now. As hard as it may still seem... we do.

kristi said:

mary that is so neat of you to do for your 2 sons,that was a good article,i tried to write something in there and it wouldnt let me it said closed to further comments.it was nice to see the pictures and stuff to.but yes what you said in there i was up for 37 hours no one left my side at all for a week,my dad and mom called me everyday to see how i was doing and it finally let down after a week or two.i know they care but it got over welming.and to this day it has been almost 3 years and still people want to cry when i talk about my son i said you are suppose to talk about him,and now that graduation is near and they put a memorial page in the year book now they are talking about him and the year book and they are saddened but i just keep my head up and say it is alright cry if you want i said i will have mine on sunday.i get a little tears in my eyes but they do the crying for me as i do it at home not at work.thanks for listening and thank you for sharing that with me.i did adopt highway sign for my son.

mary said:

I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.

Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D

I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.

kristi said:

you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all the kids want me there.there is a purpose for that,that

Permalink Reply by kristi on May 31, 2009 at 11:13pm

HI,JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW I WENT TO MY SONS GRADUATION,I MADE IT THROU IT MAYBE BECAUSE I HAD SO MUCH SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.THEY WERE SO SUPPORTIVE.THEY DONATED MONEY TO GET A YEARBOOK FOR OUR FAMILY AND THEY CALLED ME UP TO GIVE IT TO ME.I TRIED TO SAY THANK YOU BUT IT WOULDNT COME OUT OF MY MOUTH I THINK THEY KNEW THAT I THANKED THEM.I WENT TO THE CEMETARY FIRST AND PUT BALLOONS UP IN THE AIR IT LOOKED LIKE A RAINBOW,AND YOU KNOW IT WAS RAINING OUT SO THAT WAS COOL.I HOPE MY DAUGHTER CAN CHEER UP,SHE TOLD ME TODAY THAT SHE CRIED LAST NIGHT BECAUSE THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE FOR MY SON TO HAVE HIS GRADUATION PARTY NOT JUST PEOPLE COMING UP TO HELP SUPPORT US WHEN I NEEDED IT MOST.I TOLD HER CRYING IS THE BEST.I DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL MY KIDS WHEN THEY WANT TO CRY,BUT I SAY THAT IS THE BEST MEDICINE.THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT ON HERE I COULDNT OF DID IT WITHOUT YOU ALL TO.KRISTI

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