Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child
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This might be helpful. It appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer for Memorial Day.
http://www.philly.com/inquirer/opinion/20090524_Giving_parents__los...
Posted on Sun, May. 24, 2009
Giving parents' loss a name
On Memorial Day, or any day a child is grieved, Sanskrit suggests a word for the bewildering blow: "Viloma."
Karla FC Holloway is the James B. Duke Professor of English at Duke University and author of Passed On: African American Mourning Stories
In a National Public Radio essay nearly three years ago, I pondered the lack of a word for parents whose child has died. I remember I said it must be a quiet word, like our grief, but clear in its claim.
I recalled the word that Lady Bird Johnson wanted no part of when her husband, President Lyndon B. Johnson, died - widow, related to a Sanskrit word meaning "empty." She was not empty, she asserted. She was grieving. But at least she had a word to resist.
On this Memorial Day, when we remember those who have died in war, we are still without a word that identifies their survivors' loss. That denies them whatever notice words like orphan and widow may provide.
Grief leaves a melancholy and sometimes nameless company.
I've noticed this absence for each of the days, months, and even years since our son's death. I've leafed through the letters and e-mails from parents whose children have died, through the photographs mailed to me of T-shirts with the faces of dead children on them and images from sidewalk memorials.
These were sent and shared by parents whose children's deaths inverted the natural order of things and forced their mothers and fathers to do the business of burying. That ought to have been the labor of a grown child, not a task for their parents.
I have heard there is a Chinese saying that the gray-haired should not bury the black-haired. Of course. It is an offense to the order of things.
This idea of orderliness and the disorder of a child's death eventually brought me back to the word widow. And as creative as I thought I might be with language, as liberal as I was willing to be in borrowing a word from another language - maybe from Swahili or Greek, French or Thai - or even creating one myself from a collection of letters that I might shape into the meaning I needed, I returned to the language that had already given us one word. I considered that Sanskrit might locate another.
And I found viloma.
Viloma means "against a natural order." As in, the gray-haired should not bury those with black hair. As in, our children should not precede us in death. If they do, we are vilomaed.
Each Memorial Day, there is a mourning that defies a natural order. But it extends beyond war. We need a name because of what happened at Columbine and Virginia Tech, for when a child is found beneath the rubble of an earthquake, or for dusty children who starve to death in Darfur. The numbers grow daily - with drive-bys and carelessness, with genocides and accidents, illnesses and suicide.
Viloma is a name for the grief we represent. It might sound odd at first. But we have grown used to the word widow. It's not much different, and it shares the same etymology.
And unfortunately, these days can give us ways and means abundantly to grow accustomed to a viloma. A parent whose child has died is a viloma.
Watch the evening news and you will see a viloma. Scan the news on the Web and you will read about a viloma. Walk through your neighborhood and there are homes with vilomas inside.
The difference between today's grief and tomorrow's is that now there is a name. Viloma. A parent whose child has died.
you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all the kids want me there.there is a purpose for that,that they want me there they all still rememeber my son.what am i suppose to do tell them to move on and not think about him?they do,they planted a tree outside the high school for my son and it is blooming just like he did when he was alive.the words MOVE ON ARE NEVER GOING TO BE PART OF MY VOLCABULAY TILL THE DAY I DIE,I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM AND HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE HERE TO GO TO COLLEGE AND TO HAVE A FAMILY AND STUFF,MAYBE AFTER SUNDAY I WILL LET GO OF SOMETHINGS NOW THAT HIS TEEN YEARS ARE FINALLY OVER,I THINK ABOUT HOW TALL HE WOULD OF BEEN,HOW HE SMILED ALL THE TIME,I THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT OF BEEN.HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE HERE TO GRADUATE AND I AM GOING TO PUT HIM ALITTLE AWAY WHEN IT IS OVER TILL THAN YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT.AND I HATE THEM WORDS REALLY BAD,IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE PEOPLE WANT ME TO FORGET THAT MY SON WAS ON THIS EARTH TO LIVE AND PERTECT HIS SISTER AND BROTHER.HIS SISTER IS OLDER BUT HE STILL WATCHED OVER HER,AND HIS BROTHER WAS ONLY 10 WHEN HE PASSED AWAY HE IS MISSING HIM DEARLY AND ICAN TELL WHEN HE HAS A BAD DAY,I JUST TELL HIM IT IS ALL RIGHT FOR HIM TO CRY.I AM NOT GOING TO TELL ANYBODY EVER TO GET OVER IT.
I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.
Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D
I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.
kristi said:you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all t
I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.
Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D
I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.
kristi said:you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all the kids want me there.there is a purpose for that,that
thank you for your words,yes but it haunts me sometimes because when he died everyone came and told us that if i dont make it tell my mom and dad i love them it haunts me all the time,my younger son does that to me,when icall to wake him up for school and he changed voices he is 13 and he sounds like my son everette that passes away.its nice but it is scary.he doesnt go anywere thinking something is going to happen to us,we have kids over all weekend from friday to sunday i dont mind it but it gets rough i just say cant you go to your friends one day out of the weekend.thanks for listening.it just gets hard when people use them words you will never forget especially when my son got shot by his friend and his friend is graduating sunday to,it will be hard seeing him live his life.but he has broken up with his girlfriend he has gotten depressed his mom said he doesnt do anything but sit in his room.thank for listening i will be here anytime to talk ok.and now that swimming and stuff comes it will be hard for you,but we will keep our chins up right?thanks kristi
mary said:I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.
Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D
I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.
kristi said:you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all t
In all your getting, (angry, emotional, victimized,) get some understanding. Those were quotation marks. One can choose to live in fear and hurt, But as for me, (maybe it was the heart arrythmias, or the anxiety attacks) I will remember in love. Not fear, anger, or any other emotion that takes away from the beauty of my son's life. I would not have made it another month carrying the burden in my heart, let alone years. My life certainly is not my own to take, therefore, I am charged to look forward. I do not take for granted that it has become apparent to me how fleeting life is, therefore, I am not going to spend whatever I have left of it shut up in turmoil. If that is how anyone else chooses to live, well, to each their own soul salvation. I cursed the sun the day my son died. I will never curse the earth again. From the earth we come, to the earth we shall return. It is the circle of life. We are not all going to live to be a hundred. I am not going to sit in fear of my number because I had to say good bye to my son. I will be going to a reunion soon, and there I will see all the friends that I have not seen in years, people I said goodbye to long ago and never expected to see again, now we are going to be reunited. I know that it will be the same jubilation when I finish my journey, and see my son again. And am reunited with his soul. Who knows how many times we have known one another in our lives, and said hello and goodbye again. I see the temporal passing. I am not subject to this place, this earth. My body will return there, my soul is the Lord's. As was my son's, and the Lord did with it what he saw fit. Will I now curse the Lord for my own retribution? No. So I rejoice that he has reclaimed that which was his, for it is his power to do so. Faith. Call it what you want. Maybe it is my feeble minds coping mechanism. But it is mine. As is any other's way theirs. None of us will pass away from the universe, although most of us will pass from the earth. This is how the Lord manages his kingdom. I take it as a compliment that he thought my son was ready to enter into. I leave the vengeance to him. This idea or belief frees me to live my own life, not a revolving despair of my son's passing. I have peace. Now, I dont worry about people hurting when I speak his name, because I'm not hurting anymore. So everyone is free to love. Love yourself enough to move forward. Not over, through. God bless you forum.
I LOST MY SON IN OCT 7TH,2006 HE WAS ONLY 16 WHEN HE PASSED AWAY AND I DIDNT FEEL ANY PAIN AT ALL BECAUSE I WAS NUMB.AND TILL THIS DAY I LOST MY MIND SOMEWHAT,I ASKED QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE THAT I WENT TO THE DOCTORS OR SOMETHING WITH.MY FRIENDS ARE STILL CONCERNED BECAUSE I FEEL STRONG BUT I FEEL I AM A BURDEN TO THEM IF I CRY OR IF I TALK ABOUT MY SON.WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY SON WENT TO HIS FRIENDS HOUSE HIS FRIEND WAS CLEANING HIS GUN HE SAID AND HE THOUGHT HE TOOK ALL THE BULLETS OUT OF THE GUN,POINTED THE GUN AT MY SON AND PULLED THE TRIGGER,THE KID WAS ONLY 15,HE GOT PROBATION TILL HE IS 19.2,987RESTITUTION AND 200 OF COMMUNITY SERVICE,EVERY ONE ASK IF IT WAS A ACCIDENT AND I ALWAYS SAY I AM THE MOM AND I DONT THINK SO BUT YOU ALL BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT TO.SO MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND I AM HERE TO TALK TO BECAUSE I NEED SOME ONE TO TALK TO.HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOUR SON?BUT I WENT TO SUPPORT GROUP AND THEY SAY TALK ABOUT THE DEATH OF YOUR FAMILY THAT HAVE BEEN GONE AND IT WILL HELP EASE THE PAIN AND I HAVE DONE THAT.AND IT HELPS.THANKS AND I HOPE WE TALK SOMEDAY.THANKS FOR LISTENING
mary that is so neat of you to do for your 2 sons,that was a good article,i tried to write something in there and it wouldnt let me it said closed to further comments.it was nice to see the pictures and stuff to.but yes what you said in there i was up for 37 hours no one left my side at all for a week,my dad and mom called me everyday to see how i was doing and it finally let down after a week or two.i know they care but it got over welming.and to this day it has been almost 3 years and still people want to cry when i talk about my son i said you are suppose to talk about him,and now that graduation is near and they put a memorial page in the year book now they are talking about him and the year book and they are saddened but i just keep my head up and say it is alright cry if you want i said i will have mine on sunday.i get a little tears in my eyes but they do the crying for me as i do it at home not at work.thanks for listening and thank you for sharing that with me.i did adopt highway sign for my son.
mary said:I can relate to this Kristi, however the very same people who are telling you this have no clue what it feels like to lose a child or what to say! They are trying in their own lame way just to motivate you, they care, they do, but they dont know what to say.
Keep your son close to your heart....that is where he is. Don't worry about what other people think you should do. There is no right or wrong dealing with this. Everyone deals with it differently. I know all to well the feeling that you are going through having lost my 2 sons who drowned on July 15, 2008. I wake up every day thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them and have cried every single day. I, along with our community are building a skatepark in their honor. http://www.pitcherpark.com and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-pitcher/pitcher-park-in-honor-of...
I dove into this out of sheer nervousness. Things are rolling a long well, as if I have a higher power watching out over me. It is such a wonderful feeling and yet.... I feel so alone!
It was such a shocking tragedy, that my two older sons are having their own difficulty dealing with the pain. They find it very hard to be around me and at first I was upset and angry but then I find it hard to see them as well. We were ALWAYS TOGETHER... four sons and myself! Now half my family is gone. Their little brothers are GONE! But through my sons Vincent and Stephen's strength...i AM TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT TO CARRY ON IN THEIR HONOR!
It is very hard Kristi, but think about what your son would want for you! Carry on with pride knowing that he knows how much you loved him and you know how much he loved you! With boys, sometimes they are shy with words...but you know in your heart Kristi...OUR SONS WOULD WANT US TO LIVE ON IN THEIR HONOR and WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON...and personally, I dont want them being upset with the way I acted when they went on their way to HEAVEN! :D
I am praying that God grants us all peace and warmth in our hearts and that we may be with our children again together in Heaven.
kristi said:you know in this thing you wrote you said something about moving on,well i have been dealing with grief for 2 and a half years and all my coworkers say to move on.well you know them are words.i cant move on,i think about my son everyday that he has been gone,now graduation is this sunday and all the kids want me there.there is a purpose for that,that
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