The loss of a child

EdiGonzales said:
Twila said:
I have not been on this site for a while but I like what I have read so far. But I am selfish I want my son here with me and where I can see him but I know that can never be anylonger... I miss him so much and I wished I could touch him and see him one more time I still have not had a dream of him and it is now going on 6 months I still feel like "is this really happening to me" my son is gone just a total disbelief at times then I feel he is in a good place and its going to be ok. I miss him so much I went on a trip and the whole time I kept thinking my son is gone and still smiling and trying to enjoy my time there but that thought would not leave my mind and on the plane I was thinking my son is gone and he is not there when I get home..he is still not here. I look at alot of parents when they are with their children and wonder how they would feel and see little boys runing about with their parents I cant help but wish I had my son here with me still. I think maybe I should have waited to have my son a little longer maybe he would still be here...all the what if's that cross my mind. When all I really want is my son my baby...he was 18 but still he was my baby...I was told today you have 3 daughters they need you and I know this but I still cant see it...I dont know I am just going to have a very tough first year without my son and many to come....it is so hard

Hello ... I read what seemed I hgad written myself thru your words. My daughter Lacey died May 15, 2009. I can relate to each thing you write ... mostly the way you miss your son. Am I insane ?? All I know is that I want my Lacey back, but that is impossible. I know that I can see the stars no matter how dark it is ... I know that I am not alone. Neither are you. May peace find you, if just for a moment.
A lost Mother grieving her baby girl ...

Permalink Reply by Twila on June 22, 2009 at 4:05pm

I miss my son so much it is hard each passing day. His phone calls the texts he would send me...He was so crazy wanted to make me laugh and his smile oh that smile I miss so much.. Me and him had this smile that no matter where we were in a crowd of people he would look at me and have that "I love you MOM" smile. I miss that look so much and that was just for me and him "my son". I feel for any parent who has lost a child and if you want to talk about your daughter you can I want to hear about your daughter. I cry each day but I feel now I have to hide it from my girls just so they think Im ok when I not...Life is hard I want to turn to god but I am still angry when you live with god and pray and you ask why, but in my heart there is a reason for everything I miss him so much..I know I will meet him again tho. He was my only son and such a moma's boy..I read so many books to help me understand but nothing ever does my heart is forever broke my baby boy is gone and now my memories keep me going. So I will listen and I do care as a mother to mother take gentle care. I made some webpages for my son:

http://neverlosefaith.com/memorials/siaosi-k-aumeumea-jr

http://siaosi-aulaumea-jr.memory-of.com/Medias.aspx#SaveSubscribers

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/mysonSiaosiJrmissu/homepage.aspx

Twila

Permalink Reply by Susan on June 22, 2009 at 4:48pm

Twila you did a beautiful job on your pages for your son.Thank for all your beautiful words. Susan missing Daniel

Twila said:

I miss my son so much it is hard each passing day. His phone calls the texts he would send me...He was so crazy wanted to make me laugh and his smile oh that smile I miss so much.. Me and him had this smile that no matter where we were in a crowd of people he would look at me and have that "I love you MOM" smile. I miss that look so much and that was just for me and him "my son". I feel for any parent who has lost a child and if you want to talk about your daughter you can I want to hear about your daughter. I cry each day but I feel now I have to hide it from my girls just so they think Im ok when I not...Life is hard I want to turn to god but I am still angry when you live with god and pray and you ask why, but in my heart there is a reason for everything I miss him so much..I know I will meet him again tho. He was my only son and such a moma's boy..I read so many books to help me understand but nothing ever does my heart is forever broke my baby boy is gone and now my memories keep me going. So I will listen and I do care as a mother to mother take gentle care. I made some webpages for my son:

http://neverlosefaith.com/memorials/siaosi-k-aumeumea-jr

http://siaosi-aulaumea-jr.memory-of.com/Medias.aspx#SaveSubscribers

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/mysonSiaosiJrmissu/homepage.aspx

Twila

Permalink Reply by Linda crawley on June 22, 2009 at 7:04pm

Very nice Memorial Sites,Twila. It sure helps a little, doesn't it? Visit my sons sometime. www.joethell.com

Twila said:

I miss my son so much it is hard each passing day. His phone calls the texts he would send me...He was so crazy wanted to make me laugh and his smile oh that smile I miss so much.. Me and him had this smile that no matter where we were in a crowd of people he would look at me and have that "I love you MOM" smile. I miss that look so much and that was just for me and him "my son". I feel for any parent who has lost a child and if you want to talk about your daughter you can I want to hear about your daughter. I cry each day but I feel now I have to hide it from my girls just so they think Im ok when I not...Life is hard I want to turn to god but I am still angry when you live with god and pray and you ask why, but in my heart there is a reason for everything I miss him so much..I know I will meet him again tho. He was my only son and such a moma's boy..I read so many books to help me understand but nothing ever does my heart is forever broke my baby boy is gone and now my memories keep me going. So I will listen and I do care as a mother to mother take gentle care. I made some webpages for my son:

http://neverlosefaith.com/memorials/siaosi-k-aumeumea-jr

http://siaosi-aulaumea-jr.memory-of.com/Medias.aspx#SaveSubscribers

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/mysonSiaosiJrmissu/homepage.aspx

Twila

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on June 23, 2009 at 4:43am

Hi EdiGonzales,my name is Elaine and I feel what you are going through. Its been a while with me to,but I like to hear other on how they feel after losing a love one. I lost my son Kris on April 9th 2006 a day I will never ever forget. I miss my son so much. I still cry and have plenty of heartaches about my son. If anyone knew Kris they would have loved him. He was just that type of a son and a person. My son was a New Orleans Firefighter,moving to Marrietta,Ga. to be a Firefighter there after relocating hurricane Katrina. My son recieved the great news that he was hired as Firefighter in the state of Ga. then recieved a letter stating that he had to ba a EMT in order to be a Firefighter in Cobb County. He quickly registered in the Madix School and two weeks before graduations on route to Baton Rouge, La. to be with his sons and fiance,Kris was in a fatal car accident where he was killed instantly. It is not a day that go by I don't mention Kris name or think about what would be going on if Kris was here still with us. Let me explain,I do know that the Lord giveth and taketh away,In the Our Fathers prayers we pray let thy will be done. I also know that God puts no more you than you can bare. I know that yes he is in a good place,but it still hurt,and I miss him soooo much. You know if money would have bought my son Kris back,I would have robbed many of banks to get him back. The death of my son Kris really took a big part out of me. I am no longer the same. Seems like nothing is the same since his death. Yes people states you have a son,a daughter,go on with your life and live for them. This is true,but if you never experience the death of a child than how can you say move on. IT'S NOT THAT EASY,TRUST ME. If it was than I would have been moving on. But yes it is hard moving on. I do appreaciate everyone that feels this way,but only experience it to know the feeling. Some can move on,but right now even after three years he is still there on my mind and in my heart. I miss him so much. So EdiGonzales write anytime like I do and we get consolation from each other.(http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/wemissyou krisJP/homepageaspx)

EdiGonzales said:

EdiGonzales said:
Twila said:
I have not been on this site for a while but I like what I have read so far. But I am selfish I want my son here with me and where I can see him but I know that can never be anylonger... I miss him so much and I wished I could touch him and see him one more time I still have not had a dream of him and it is now going on 6 months I still feel like "is this really happening to me" my son is gone just a total disbelief at times then I feel he is in a good place and its going to be ok. I miss him so much I went on a trip and the whole time I kept thinking my son is gone and still smiling and trying to enjoy my time there but that thought would not leave my mind and on the plane I was thinking my son is gone and he is not there when I get home..he is still not here. I look at alot of parents when they are with their children and wonder how they would feel and see little boys runing about with their parents I cant help but wish I had my son here with me still. I think maybe I should have waited to have my son a little longer maybe he would still be here...all the what if's that cross my mind. When all I really want is my son my baby...he was 18 but still he was my baby...I was told today yo

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on June 23, 2009 at 5:10am

Hi Twila,you have expressed every word and thoughts that each and everyone has been saying. But you put it together so that everyone can understand how we feel. Well Done. Thanks for letting everyone know the pain and hearaches of losing a child. Like I say all the time that I lost my mother,father and my first born at 1mo. & 18 days old. But 28 years with Kris took a lot from me. I even had a brain aneurysum after Kris death due to stress also with Katrina in 2005 and Kris 2006. Thanks Twila (http://memorialwebsiteslegacy.com/wemissyoukrisJP/homepage.aspx)
Twila said:

What is normal?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile because my son is missing from all the important events in our family’s life.
Normal is trying to decide what to take to put on his grave that he would have loved.
Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if’s & why didn’t I’s go through your head constantly.
Normal is thinking of the accident continuously through your mind, wondering if my son suffered or was in pain.
Normal is thinking of every happy event in his daughter’s life he will miss and I will see knowing he will not share it with her, breaks my heart.
Normal is talking of my child’s death and trying to keep from crying each time I say "died" because I still don’t believe it. And yet realizing it has
become a part of your “normal.”
Normal is thinking of first year without him coming up with the difficult task of how to honor my son memory and his birthday and how am I going to survive these days. And trying to find a way to get thru these occasion without him.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my son loved. Thinking how he would have loved it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, “Siaosi”.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, and months after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is alive and away in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn’t compare.
Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry every day and night just so you won’t cry when your at work or doing every day tasks.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how I feel with Friends hoping they will understand how I feel everyday without my son
Normal is listening to people make excuses why they did not come and see me or how they could not make it at the time of the funeral and me thinking "it doesn’t matter anymore".
I know my son is in “a better place,” but hearing people trying to think up reasons as to why it was my son that was taken from this earth, makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether I’m going to say I have four children or three c

Permalink Reply by mary on June 23, 2009 at 10:19am

July 15 the day they died in 2008 is coming around. I can honestly say that I have tried hard...it is still so hard for me to function right. My son Jonathan has been abroad since March doing mission work. My son Brady works so hard everyday. I dont know what I expect from them but I feel so alone. i know they are having a hard time with this and hurt just as much as I do, but I really thought they would be around me more after Vince & Stephen died.
Being divorced, alone to deal with the pain, my parents are both gone...it is painful very painful every day.
I look ok on the outside, but I feel like Im dieing from the inside out. I keep seeing them in their coffins... i keep thinking about what they are missing on every sunny beautiful day! I wonder if their cold when it snows... I know it is not right to do....but Im just being honest. All I want is for them to come to me and tell me they are alright. As a Mother... I cant stop worrying!
People ask me how Im doing... I say well its hard very hard... i was laid off work... i have no insurance.... my ex husband is still torturing me.... i just dont know how much someone can take.... I try soooo hard every day...its tiring to put on a front.
I've read Twila's beautiful words about what is Normal and can relate totally...and I think she has found her calling. She should write an inspirational book about losing a child. However as each of us knows...it is daily that we feel the way we do. I havent taken any drugs... Im trying to fight this with all the power I have left in me...but there are days when I say...its too hard to take and days that I wonder why I am bothering. Although I know that is not what my sons would want me to feel and not want me to act this way.... it is inevitable... the sorrow isnt lessening... and I seem to have bad days and just getting through the day days and worse days. Yesterday was terrible for me! and I guess I just needed to vent.
I have been praying to God that he takes some of this anxiety away from me...it helps for a while and then Im back to square one!
God Bless us all. and thanks for being there and listening....
Mary

Permalink Reply by Twila on June 23, 2009 at 2:52pm

mary said:

July 15 the day they died in 2008 is coming around. I can honestly say that I have tried hard...it is still so hard for me to function right. My son Jonathan has been abroad since March doing mission work. My son Brady works so hard everyday. I dont know what I expect from them but I feel so alone. i know they are having a hard time with this and hurt just as much as I do, but I really thought they would be around me more after Vince & Stephen died.
Being divorced, alone to deal with the pain, my parents are both gone...it is painful very painful every day.
I look ok on the outside, but I feel like Im dieing from the inside out. I keep seeing them in their coffins... i keep thinking about what they are missing on every sunny beautiful day! I wonder if their cold when it snows... I know it is not right to do....but Im just being honest. All I want is for them to come to me and tell me they are alright. As a Mother... I cant stop worrying!
People ask me how Im doing... I say well its hard very hard... i was laid off work... i have no insurance.... my ex husband is still torturing me.... i just dont know how much someone can take.... I try soooo hard every day...its tiring to put on a front.
I've read Twila's beautiful words about what is Normal and can relate totally...and I think she has found her calling. She should write an inspirational book about losing a child. However as each of us knows...it is daily that we feel the way we do. I havent taken any drugs... Im trying to fight this with all the power I have left in me...but there are days when I say...its too hard to take and days that I wonder why I am bothering. Although I know that is not what my sons would want me to feel and not want me to act this way.... it is inevitable... the sorrow isnt lessening... and I seem to have bad days and just getting through the day days and worse days. Yesterday was terrible for me! and I guess I just needed to vent.
I have been praying to God that he takes some of this anxiety away from me...it helps for a while and then Im back to square one!
God Bless us all. and thanks for being there and listening....
Mary

Thank you mary for your kind words but this is what helps me and I know there are parents out there who know just what I mean with each word..I also want my daughters to understand how I feel as a mother and me trying to understand from their side also from losing a brother....so I write stuff. There is a story behind "what is normal" my daughter said I was acting weird and ever since her brother died I am not normal...I laugh a little when I read it now...I go to therapy and take pills to help... and she made a comment to me "oh go take a pill" so I put that in there also...So I asked her what is normal i don't know any more. I just want my girls to understand me not only as a mother but as a person also.because alot of times I cant put it in to words for them so I write for myu daughter to read my feelings because if it was any one of them it would be the same way...I love my children and everything I did in my life was for them and now one is gone forever and I hurt so much for him he spoke to me about his dreams and his goals for his life and his daughers. It is so hard and I try to think I have his daughter she is still a part of him and me and it helps. So when I feel like giving up that is what I think about. But I ask my self what is my purpose now there are so many questions going thru my mind and if I dont get them out and on paper I will go crazy...sorry to have to write all of this I do ramble on...but I'm happy a little that somone understands me there are other mothers and fathers who really understand wished it didn't have to be this way but you understand me and thank you for that and its because we loved our children so much and to deal the absence of your child it is so hard...
thank you
Twila

Permalink Reply by Debbie Williams on June 24, 2009 at 4:10pm

Twila said:

mary said:
July 15 the day they died in 2008 is coming around. I can honestly say that I have tried hard...it is still so hard for me to function right. My son Jonathan has been abroad since March doing mission work. My son Brady works so hard everyday. I dont know what I expect from them but I feel so alone. i know they are having a hard time with this and hurt just as much as I do, but I really thought they would be around me more after Vince & Stephen died.
Being divorced, alone to deal with the pain, my parents are both gone...it is painful very painful every day.
I look ok on the outside, but I feel like Im dieing from the inside out. I keep seeing them in their coffins... i keep thinking about what they are missing on every sunny beautiful day! I wonder if their cold when it snows... I know it is not right to do....but Im just being honest. All I want is for them to come to me and tell me they are alright. As a Mother... I cant stop worrying!
People ask me how Im doing... I say well its hard very hard... i was laid off work... i have no insurance.... my ex husband is still torturing me.... i just dont know how much someone can take.... I try soooo hard every day...its tiring to put on a front.
I've read Twila's beautiful words about what is Normal and can relate totally...and I think she has found her calling. She should write an inspirational book about losing a child. However as each of us knows...it is daily that we feel the way we do. I havent taken any drugs... Im trying to fight this with all the power I have left in me...but there are days when I say...its too hard to take and days that I wonder why I am bothering. Although I know that is not what my sons would want me to feel and not want me to act this way.... it is inevitable... the sorrow isnt lessening... and I seem to have bad days and just getting through the day days and worse days. Yesterday was terrible for me! and I guess I just needed to vent.
I have been praying to God that he takes some of this anxiety away from me...it helps for a while and then Im back to square one!
God Bless us all. and thanks for being there and listening....
Mary

Thank you mary for your kind words but this is what helps me and I know there are parents out there who know just what I mean with each word..I also want my daughters to understand how I feel as a mother and me trying to understand from their side also from losing a brother....so I write stuff. There is a story behind "what is normal" my daughter said I was acting weird and ever since her brother died I am not normal...I laugh a little when I read it now...I go to therapy and take pills to help... and she made a comment to me "oh go take a pill" so I put that in there also...So I asked her what is normal i don't know any more. I just want my girls to understand me not only as a mother but as a person also.because alot of times I cant put it in to words for them so I write for myu daughter to read my feelings because if it was any one of them it would be the same way...I love my children and everything I did in my life was for them and now one is gone forever and I hurt so much for him he spoke to me about his dreams and his goals for his life and his daughers. It is so hard and I try to think I have his daughter she is still a part of him and me and it helps. So when I feel like giving up that is what I think about. But I ask my self what is my purpose now there are so many questions going thru my mind and if I dont get them out and on paper I will go crazy...sorry to have to write all of this I do ramble on...but I'm happy a little that somone understands me there are other mothers and fathers who really understand wished it didn't have to be this way but you understand me and thank you for that and its because we loved our children so much and to deal the absence of your child it is so hard...
thank you
Twila

Permalink Reply by Debbie Williams on June 24, 2009 at 4:37pm

I also lost a son. He was killed in a chemical plant explosion this past Oct 2008. His birthday, father's day, mother's day, his kids birthdays were so hard to cope with. My hurt is that my children think that I should be over it and going on in life. They think that I should just remember the good times we shared. I am having a hard time getting past the last days in the hospital seeing him 97% -3rd degree burned, and all the machines hooked to him. I keep a picture of him to try to just remember him that way. But when I try to sleep, my memory is the last days. I did have a vision one night, Joey (my son) came to me and told me that he was ok and thanked me for always being there for his wife and kids. Now his wife is going on with her life and has since taken all memories of him out of their house, this so hard for me. I do want her to go on with her life and to hopefully someday find another husband but I don't want my grandkids to forget their father. They were only 3 and 5 yrs old. It will be hard enough for them to remember him as it is. I have gone to grief counseling and they said that she may have had to remove all memories for her sanity. But she is not close to us like she was before he died. We were so close (like my daughter), it really hurts also. I feel like I lost my son and also my daughter in law

Debbie Williams said:

Twila said:
mary said:
July 15 the day they died in 2008 is coming around. I can honestly say that I have tried hard...it is still so hard for me to function right. My son Jonathan has been abroad since March doing mission work. My son Brady works so hard everyday. I dont know what I expect from them but I feel so alone. i know they are having a hard time with this and hurt just as much as I do, but I really thought they would be around me more after Vince & Stephen died.
Being divorced, alone to deal with the pain, my parents are both gone...it is painful very painful every day.
I look ok on the outside, but I feel like Im dieing from the inside out. I keep seeing them in their coffins... i keep thinking about what they are missing on every sunny beautiful day! I wonder if their cold when it snows... I know it is not right to do....but Im just being honest. All I want is for them to come to me and tell me they are alright. As a Mother... I cant stop worrying!
People ask me how Im doing... I say well its hard very hard... i was laid off work... i have no insurance.... my ex husband is still torturing me.... i just dont know how much someone can take.... I try soooo hard every day...its tiring to put on a front.
I've read Twila's beautiful words about what is Normal and can relate totally...and I think she has found her calling. She should write an inspirational book about losing a child. However as each of us knows...it is daily that we feel the way we do. I havent taken any drugs... Im trying to fight this with all the power I have left in me...but there are days when I say...its too hard to take and days that I wonder why I am bothering. Although I know that is not what my sons would want me to feel and not want me to act this way.... it is inevitable... the sorrow isnt lessening... and I seem to have bad days and just getting through the day days and worse days. Yesterday was terrible for me! and I guess I just needed to vent.
I have been praying to God that he takes some of this anxiety away from me...it helps for a while and then Im back to square one!
God Bless us all. and thanks for being there and listening....
Mary

Thank you mary for your kind words but this is what helps me and I know there are parents out there who know just what I mean with each word..I also want my daughters to understand how I feel as a mother and me trying to understand from their side also from losing a brother....so I write stuff. There is a story behind "what is normal" my daughter said I was acting weird and ever since her brother died I am not normal...I laugh a little when I read it now...I go to therapy and take pills to help... and she made a comment to me "oh go take a pill" so I put that in there also...So I asked her what is normal i don't know any more. I just want my girls to understand me not only as a mother but as a person also.because alot of times I cant put it in to words for them so I write for myu daughter to read my feelings because if it was any one of them it would be the same way...I love my children and everything I did in my life was for them and now one is gone forever and I hurt so much for him he spoke to me about his dreams and his goals for his life and his daughers. It is so hard and I try to think I have his daughter she is still a part of him and me and it helps. So when I feel like giving up that is what I think about. But I ask my self what is my purpose now there are so many questions going thru my mind and if I dont get them out and on paper I will go crazy...sorry to have to write all of this I do ramble on...but I'm happy a little that somone understands me there are other mothers and fathers who really understand wished it didn't have to be this way but you understand me and thank you for that and its because we loved our children so much and to deal the absence of your child it is so hard...
thank you
Twila

Permalink Reply by Gill on June 24, 2009 at 5:40pm

My son took his own life at the end of March, we were coping as well as we could with this devastation whilst still going ahead with our daughters wedding. The wedding was this past weekend and now I feel that I am back to square one!!!!

Permalink Reply by Gill on June 24, 2009 at 5:41pm

I'm sorry I have put this in the wrong area of the forum.I can't think straight

Gill said:

My son took his own life at the end of March, we were coping as well as we could with this devastation whilst still going ahead with our daughters wedding. The wedding was this past weekend and now I feel that I am back to square one!!!!