Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on June 25, 2009 at 3:26am

That is such unimaginable pain. It is so difficult to even respond, but I just want to say something to you because what you described is those final lasting images, and they do stay burned into your memory. My six year old son passed away this past nov 08 from accidental consumption of some illegal drugs that my family had laying around somehow. As I read your entry, it brought me back to those final glimpses that I had of my son lying on the hospital table as if he were simply napping. There was something about seeing him there in that manner that made it almost impossible to believe that he was truly gone. I remeber trying to get to coroner to let me see him again, because I almost believed that he wasn't there. And this wasn't happening. Even with all the time that has passed, and all the blackness that the angels have guided me through, even my son, always smiling in my dreams. Like, that was always my favorite thing about him. Not one picture, not one picture in his little life was he not ear to ear smiling, even the unexpected shots. Ear to ear. Now everytime I see him if I see him when i dream, its been further and fewer lately, he never says a word, he just smiles that smile. But I get caught sometimes off guard, this grief process is as unpredictable as anything imaginable. Sometimes I catch myself almost pretending that this is not my reality. That's dangerous. Like I'm still almost convincing myself this is all a nightmare. I just can't believe that this is the reality I am facing, and sometimes, I just want to stop perservering because I hate it. I don't want to live without my son. I don't want my daughter to hate her birthdays because her brother isn't there. She was so beautiful on her birthday. To have to see a child barely more than a toddler have to cope with such a thing, I mean, this is where my faith factor has to take over, because in my imagination, there is no stretch for that. But the Lord say that his thoughts are far above ours. People try to say that he is referring to prosperity and abundancy. I hear that now, and I think he has to be referring to death. Money we can get in every way imaginable, it's the grave we are frantically pushing the boundaries of science and medicine to overcome. Diseases, we will never see the end of it, even until the end of time, because his thoughts are far above our own. But my baby(ies). I love them so much. Elijah passed on and Aubriellen present. I love them so much. They are so special. SO are all the children of all the families that have suffered these losses. SO special. So loved forever. Nor height, Nor depth, nor anything in this world or the things to come. Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Selah.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/elijahbah/Homepage.aspx

Debbie Williams said:

I also lost a son. He was killed in a chemical plant explosion this past Oct 2008. His birthday, father's day, mother's day, his kids birthdays were so hard to cope with. My hurt is that my children think that I should be over it and going on in life. They think that I should just remember the good times we shared. I am having a hard time getting past the last days in the hospital seeing him 97% -3rd degree burned, and all the machines hooked to him. I keep a picture of him to try to just remember him that way. But when I try to sleep, my memory is the last days. I did have a vision one night, Joey (my son) came to me and told me that he was ok and thanked me for always being there for his wife and kids. Now his wife is going on with her life and has since taken all memories of him out of their house, this so hard for me. I do want her to go on with her life and to hopefully someday find another husband but I don't want my grandkids to forget their father. They were only 3 and 5 yrs old.

Permalink Reply by Twila on June 26, 2009 at 11:02am

Debbie,
The other day I was feeling so empty and its been 6 months for me and it stills feels like yesterday my son was hit by a truck walking home he was 18 and going to graduate this pass spring, 2009. And it has been hard and nothing makes sense at times for me anymore. But I got a letter from a friend of my daughters and he wrote me such beautiful words and in there he said he was scared to say anything to me to upset me...funny. nothing every would upset me anymore about my son I long to hear his name and just his voice. And if anyone was to talk of him I love it just to remember anything...but he found this wonderful poem for me and I cried reading it..because I wonder all the time if my son suffered or was in pain (always) wonder this and I cry. But you never get over it NEVER that was my baby boy my child I carried him for 9 months and stayed up all night when sick and was there for every ohwee and scapes and I will never get over it. But I care and I do want to listen to you about your son if you could have taken the pain away and it be you I bet trade places I would have in a heartbeat with my son. Oh I miss that smile.. But this poem just made me cry and I want to share it with you and others..I was angry at god I was but I tried to understand but my heart would not let me but slowly it is slowly..because I prayed I did and god took him but I feel this has to be a reason and I cant see it I cant. But I am working on it slowly my heart just would not let me see that and still I am having a hard time trusting again in the lord but it helps me a little each day...So I hope this poems helps you a little.
thanks Twila
THE DOUBLE RAINBOWS
Come follow the Double Rainbows, Mama,
they will bring you right to me.

You should have known I’d never leave you, Mama,
without something beautiful to see.

I followed those Double Rainbows to my son,
lifeless, swollen and bruised. I was empty, tired
and heartbroken, lost, angry and confused.

As I drove in through those Double Rainbows, I tried
to push back the tears. While my mind searched through
my memories, my heart thought of the years; from your
tiny newborn face, to your grown up
worries and fears.

Why was God being so cruel?
Why was God being so unkind?
I knew in my heart that answer
I desperately needed to find.

Please don’t be angry with God Mama, you see
He took me by the hand. He never let me feel pain
or suffer, He never even let me land.

The only thing that comforted me, was the lightning and
the thunder, and those beautiful Double Rainbows
we always seemed to stay right under.
Something inside told me, with every crack
of the thunder, this had to be a message from my son,
My love, My little wonder.

Yes, it was me who sent the rainbows Mama, so that all of you
could see, just how beautiful it is in heaven, with God,
and that I was happy and my soul was free.

Now every time you see Rainbows Mama, you will always
be close to me. I’m waiting for those who loved me Mama,
so that we can always be happy in heaven with God,
For all eternity.
(Written by Nickie Ireland and Trey Hughes)

Permalink Reply by Twila on June 26, 2009 at 12:05pm

Gill said:

My son took his own life at the end of March, we were coping as well as we could with this devastation whilst still going ahead with our daughters wedding. The wedding was this past weekend and now I feel that I am back to square one!!!!

I always feel that way also it never stops too I was a family gathering yesterday and it was so hard. One of my brothers said "mom" and I could swear it was my son I looked and then I just started crying and so did my daughter she was right beside me and she looked at me and said "god mom" and just broke down. And after that I just wanted to leave because we always were together as a family. I just wanted to stay in bed today all day and cry I miss him so much and I always go back to square one but some days are ok. it is so hard some days and other I can deal with I try and go walking alone and it helps me so much. Take care I wanted to share that with you and say you are not alone its been 6 months now I have not seen or heard my son some times I hate life I do hate it..
Twila

Permalink Reply by Heather on June 26, 2009 at 8:17pm

My heart goes out 2 U~ I just lost my Only Son in Febuary. I believe that the pain Never goes away but we just get used 2 living with the pain & it is a pain we do not want to live with but we have no choice in this matter. A parent should never have 2 suffer the loss of a child & the pain some time I know just takes your breath away but it is OK. Grief is A Journey that No 2 People do the Same. Grief is work that Never Ends. Remember that Tears cleanse your soul & warm your cheeks...Cry it is OK...I have cryed enough tears to proble fill my own river...always remember memories in the heart are Never forgotten...unless you forget to visit them...You Never completely solve grief, it just keeps changing...keep saying there name it is OK...share there memories that you cherish so much...Always remember whenever death happens, wheather anticipated or not, we are Never ready...Time, Courage,Life help to ease the pain, But it Never goes away...Songs, dates,times, and places & people may all trigger tears but remember tears warm your cheeks...say there Name...it is OK...Also remember this.. there is No Right way No Wrong way To Grieve....No 2 People do it the Same...There is ONLY YOUR WAY & IT IS OK....Your Grief Will Take More Energy Than U Ever Imagined...Be Patient with yourself, Don't Expect to much...Say there Name it is OK....You May Ask, "Why Me"? But remember Everyone in life must experience death & loss someday...Grief is like ripples in the water, one small ripple leads to a larger and then a larger ripple...it is OK...Say There Name...

Take care, one day at a time,
Still Broken Hearted,
Heather

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on June 26, 2009 at 10:47pm

Your only son. I don't even like writing it. I can't even do this right know. God bless the souls of those that have gone on before us. Selah forum. Goodnight. This has been the best place for me since losing my son. Thank You those of this precarious rite. May God have mercy upon our grieving hearts.


Heather said:

My heart goes out 2 U~ I just lost my Only Son in Febuary. I believe that the pain Never goes away but we just get used 2 living with the pain & it is a pain we do not want to live with but we have no choice in this matter. A parent should never have 2 suffer the loss of a child & the pain some time I know just takes your breath away but it is OK. Grief is A Journey that No 2 People do the Same. Grief is work that Never Ends. Remember that Tears cleanse your soul & warm your cheeks...Cry it is OK...I have cryed enough tears to proble fill my own river...always remember memories in the heart are Never forgotten...unless you forget to visit them...You Never completely solve grief, it just keeps changing...keep saying there name it is OK...share there memories that you cherish so much...Always remember whenever death happens, wheather anticipated or not, we are Never ready...Time, Courage,Life help to ease the pain, But it Never goes away...Songs, dates,times, and places & people may all trigger tears but remember tears warm your cheeks...say there Name...it is OK...Also remember this.. there is No Right way No Wrong way To Grieve....No 2 People do it the Same...There is ONLY YOUR WAY & IT IS OK....Your Grief Will Take More Energy Than U Ever Imagined...Be Patient with yourself, Don't Expect to much...Say there Name it is OK....You May Ask, "Why Me"? But remember Everyone in life must experience death & loss someday...Grief is like ripples in the water, one small ripple leads to a larger and then a larger ripple...it is OK...Say There Name...

Take care, one day at a time,
Still Broken Hearted,
Heather

Permalink Reply by Brenda on June 27, 2009 at 4:37pm

I lost my son Michael March,16 2007.My oldest daughter came to my home banging on my door shouting Mama Michaels been in a car wreck.Me,myhusband and my then 13 yr old got up and got dressed.We drove the 20 miles to the scean of the accident just thinking it was a finder-bender,when we arrived I saw all the flashing lights and noticed traffic was being redirected.We parked and I walked up to the accident and stop to look around,I did not see Michael anywhere so I thought he had already taken to the hosiptal when I noticed I was standing on a windshield.Thats when I looked down and saw my son laying under his truck dead.I tried so hard to get to him thinking maybe I could help him but the police and firemen would not allow me to get to him.I relive that day eveyday.I miss him so much.Will I ever get over the loss of his death?He was only 22.I know life must go on but how can a mother ever cope with the loss of a child no matter what the age is.Parents are suspose to out live their children.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Rose on June 27, 2009 at 6:15pm

I found this site by accident today and wanted to thank all of you for your stories and words of encouragement. I lost my youngest son on June 13th due to a drug overdose. I went in his room to wake him up and found him dead on his bedroom floor. I never thought I would have to go through this again. I lost an infant daughter 21 years ago. I have two others sons and a daughter. I don't know what do with myself, the first week was busy with arrangements and visits from family. Now everyone has seemed to jump back into life and I can not seem to leave my bedroom. I know I need to stay strong for the rest of my childern, I just don't know how.

Permalink Reply by Jackie on June 27, 2009 at 11:12pm

I also found this site by accident today. My son took his life 2 weeks ago and the only thing I can say is that I do not recognize this new life in front of me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am suppose to be doing. I just feel lost, and sad, and empty. I start counseling next week, if I am able to drive. I am a somewhat strong person but this is too much. Parents aren't suppose to bury their children. Eric was 26 and it was the fastest 26 years of my life. I've seen my parents pass away when I was a young child, and had a sister who was murdered 30 years ago, but this is beyond any other loss I have had. I have two other sons who are coping the best they can but are going to need help as well. Is it unreasonable to ask when this fog will go away? Or will it always feel this way?

Permalink Reply by Susan on June 27, 2009 at 11:21pm

Hi Lisa,
Welcome to the site. I too found this site by accident. It been 10 months ago. If it had not been for the wounderful people here I would not be here. I to lost my son to party ways. His friend bought him home and drop him on the sofa. the next morning I found him dead four months later I found out what happen throught the mail from the connor office.Reading the stories and the lives that the site has touch. I am glad to be here. Thanks for listening Susan Wright Daniel's mom
Lisa Rose said:

I found this site by accident today and wanted to thank all of you for your stories and words of encouragement. I lost my youngest son on June 13th due to a drug overdose. I went in his room to wake him up and found him dead on his bedroom floor. I never thought I would have to go through this again. I lost an infant daughter 21 years ago. I have two others sons and a daughter. I don't know what do with myself, the first week was busy with arrangements and visits from family. Now everyone has seemed to jump back into life and I can not seem to leave my bedroom. I know I need to stay strong for the rest of my childern, I just don't know how.

Permalink Reply by Susan on June 27, 2009 at 11:35pm

Hi Jackie,
welcome. the fog will go away. the pain is still their. You can make it but you will need alot of patenice. Something I didn;t have until now.Just be ture to yourself and take good care of yourself and you will get through today.One day at a time.At first one hour at a time. Then you can build up.I still have days that I can;t get up. Then I look at picture of Daniel and look at at my granddaughter and I go on. and she ask me if I;m talking to uncle D. and I'll tell yes and she give him a kiss and say come on grandma, I need something to drink and I;ll get up. Stay in touch, Thank for listerning Susan Wright Daniel's mom.

Jackie said:

I also found this site by accident today. My son took his life 2 weeks ago and the only thing I can say is that I do not recognize this new life in front of me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am suppose to be doing. I just feel lost, and sad, and empty. I start counseling next week, if I am able to drive. I am a somewhat strong person but this is too much. Parents aren't suppose to bury their children. Eric was 26 and it was the fastest 26 years of my life. I've seen my parents pass away when I was a young child, and had a sister who was murdered 30 years ago, but this is beyond any other loss I have had. I have two other sons who are coping the best they can but are going to need help as well. Is it unreasonable to ask when this fog will go away? Or will it always feel this way?

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on June 29, 2009 at 6:34am

Hi Lisa,my name is Elaine. I now have to say I have 2 children instead of 3 now,it hurts to say that,than my mind goes back to Kris. My fisrt born was a boy,he was 1month and 18days old when he died. This was my only son and child during this time. Now I have to change my number again. Now Kris was my youngest son and child. It hurts so much even though it has been three years for me,but the pain is still there. I have no other place to go and write how I feel and someone understands what I am saying and feeling. This is why I call this Site a BlESSING and a HEART to HEART FAMILY BOND. If times permits view Kris Memorial site. (http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/wemissyoukrisJP/homepage.aspx)
Lisa Rose said:

I found this site by accident today and wanted to thank all of you for your stories and words of encouragement. I lost my youngest son on June 13th due to a drug overdose. I went in his room to wake him up and found him dead on his bedroom floor. I never thought I would have to go through this again. I lost an infant daughter 21 years ago. I have two others sons and a daughter. I don't know what do with myself, the first week was busy with arrangements and visits from family. Now everyone has seemed to jump back into life and I can not seem to leave my bedroom. I know I need to stay strong for the rest of my childern, I just don't know how.

Permalink Reply by Linda crawley on June 29, 2009 at 7:16am

Hi Elaine. I just visited your son's site and it is beautiful! He was an amazing person. My son has been gone almost 8 months and it is rough! One day, I am ok, and the next,well just not ok. it was my birthday saturday,first one without him here, so it has been a sad few days. Will all these special days remain this difficult? Then I even feel guilty thinking I need to get beyond it. What a confusing set of feelings we are provided with in this healing process. I hope you are well and I thank you for sharing. My son,Joe has 2 that are being incorporated into one. When you get a chance, take a peak. Linda www.joethell.com

Elaine Banks Phillips said:

Hi Lisa,my name is Elaine. I now have to say I have 2 children instead of 3 now,it hurts to say that,than my mind goes back to Kris. My fisrt born was a boy,he was 1month and 18days old when he died. This was my only son and child during this time. Now I have to change my number again. Now Kris was my youngest son and child. It hurts so much even though it has been three years for me,but the pain is still there. I have no other place to go and write how I feel and someone understands what I am saying and feeling. This is why I call this Site a BlESSING and a HEART to HEART FAMILY BOND. If times permits view Kris Memorial site. (http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/wemissyoukrisJP/homepage.aspx)
Lisa Rose said:

I found this site by accident today and wanted to thank all of you for your stories and words of encouragement. I lost my youngest son on June 13th due to a drug overdose. I went in his room to wake him up and found him dead on his bedroom floor. I never thought I would have to go through this again. I lost an infant daughter 21 years ago. I have two others sons and a daughter. I don't know what do with myself, the first week was busy with arrangements and visits from family. Now everyone has seemed to jump back into life and I can not seem to leave my bedroom. I know I need to stay strong for the rest of my childern, I just don't know how.

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