Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on July 30, 2009 at 6:36am

Hi... My name is Leslie, I am a mother of three, and a grand-ma of 3.5, (with one on the way). My son Jordan was 23 when he left to be with the Lord. That was 04-29-2007. He and his girl-friend were killed in the accident, one young man survived; though he lost an eye, and almost his legs. He is alive, praise God! Jordan was 6'4" tall, he fought fires. He wanted to get his EMT, and go into forestry. He was great with kids...he would've been a great dad. He was so funny, and fun to listen to. No matter what kind of bad day you "thought" you were having, he'd change it. He used to imitate one of the kids voice from south park T.V. show. It used to drive me insain...absolutely nuts! Lol! How I wish I could hear it again...


I know people say.."we'll get over it". We will NEVER get over it. We will get through it. I know I will...I have to. I don't want Jordan to think for one second that "HE" messed up my life. When I was at the hospital, people tried to give me Valium, Xanax, Soma's. My husband (we are not together) was taking pills to ease the pain. I understood... for him that was fine. But I had to feel what I was feeling. Do you know what I mean? I had to KNOW what was going on. I wasn't even "aware". It was like I was in a dream and I was playing the part of someone else. I was going through the motions... but it wasn't me. Because this can't happen to me! But it did, and like most of you talk about; I was numb. Totally numb. I think God gives us that numb feeling. Because if we had to feel what we were about to go through, all at once, we would surely die. Because just as slow as that numbness left, the pain grew deeper and deeper. I thought it was going to swallow me whole. I think it may have a few times, to tell you the truth.
I was in church when it happened, teaching Sunday-school for the youth group. I love the Lord and my church, but it's true...some people just do not have a clue. I was told by one women, only 3 weeks had gone by; to "...get over it, Jesus wants you to be happy".
You know...I have studied psychology in college, I aced it as a matter of fact. I knew/know all the stages there are of greiving. It did not matter one bit. There is nothing to prepare you for something like this. Nothing.
A friend of mine stayed with me most of the first night. She asked me, .."how can you not blame God"? Others told me, I was mad at God, because I didn't go back to church. I wasn't mad at God; I was praising God that my son "IS" a Christian. He didn't take him...he recieved him. What I chose to do, for myself is I went up to the crash site every Sunday instead. I rake and I planted some cactus, and built a memoriel for them. Where each of them landed, from being thrown from the car, I put rocks in the shape of a heart. Every time I go there I bring something new. He loved motor-cycles, so he has a few of them. A couple teddy bears too. And I bring rocks I find that are flat, and smoothe and write scriptures on them. Lots of people go there to pray or sign their names. It is like therepy for me I guess. I feel like I am closer to him there. Plus, I can cry as loud as I want to and it won't bother anybody.
We are all going through such a tramatic period in our life. I keep thinking..."how did I get here?" and What could I have changed, to change this out come? I read these letters on this site, and I am greiving with every one of you. We share this bond, and no one else in the world knows what we now know. Not even my own Mother knows. (Praise God)!
I didn't mean to ramble on... I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your feelings with me, and to submit a poem I wrote
It is called, ......


"Whitewater Bridge"

The begining of the end,
when you grieve and cannot cry.
And you search your soul with-in,
To find the words to say good-bye.
The hardest part of losing you,
Is, "how to set you free"?
Your prism with-in my spirit,
Is still so much a part of me.
I feel, I feel... so much your real...
And

Permalink Reply by kristi on July 30, 2009 at 11:04am

hi shirley i went to doctors and stuff like you and i will let tell you my story my son was 16 years old when he died that has been almost 3 years in oct 7th,2006 my heart still aches all the time.my son got shot by his friend and he died,the kid didnt get very much out of it no jail time or anything because he was 15.but i hear these shootings stabbings on tv and i just yell at my son because i guess he forgave josh for what he did to him so they let him off with just 200 community service,pay restitution of 2,980 and be on probation till he is 19 and he will be 19 in dec.but anyways i went to everyone and i finally found a support group and i have been in it for almost 3 years because i cant deal with my pain and i want to talk to someone about my son.so if you have a support group in your town please try that because it hellps me.they say to talk about your son like he is still there.dont hide him in the closet.talk to his picture.light a candle and write in a journal for 5 minutes everyday.and when it is his birthday make him his favorite food,make him a cake and take a plate out to the cemetary and take the cake and sing happy birthday to him.that does make me feel good.i do that on my other kids birthday and my husband and mine because he should still be here i say to my self an dhe liked cake and he eat anything so i just make something and take it out there for him.talk to his picture and say good morning and goodnight to him.but that is what i have dealt with and thats how my life has been doing is trying to cope.we had someone stabb one of my sons friend in the eye and he died and the guy that did this only got 15 years and all i did was sit there and yell at my son in his picture and cry because his killer got away with this.he lost his life for his friend.so thank you for listening and i hope this helped.anytime you can write kristishirley zurschmeide said:

Today is my son's birthday, he died when he was thirty-seven while he was at work. He was electrocuted. I had Scott when I was seventeen. We grew up together kinda. He always was thoughtful,kind and a caring son. Today he would have been thirty-nine. The pain never truly goes away,it's always there just waiting to be felt again and again. I have done all there is to do to cope with my pain. Seen doctors, take medicine. cry and talk to God.

Shirley

Permalink Reply by CSmith on July 30, 2009 at 12:03pm

Your nice poem helped my heart today, thank you, I feel the same always.
Other lost moms just know what to say...Carla Smith

Leslie L. Fiorda said:

Hi... My name is Leslie, I am a mother of three, and a grand-ma of 3.5, (with one on the way). My son Jordan was 23 when he left to be with the Lord. That was 04-29-2007. He and his girl-friend were killed in the accident, one young man survived; though he lost an eye, and almost his legs. He is alive, praise God! Jordan was 6'4" tall, he fought fires. He wanted to get his EMT, and go into forestry. He was great with kids...he would've been a great dad. He was so funny, and fun to listen to. No matter what kind of bad day you "thought" you were having, he'd change it. He used to imitate one of the kids voice from south park T.V. show. It used to drive me insain...absolutely nuts! Lol! How I wish I could hear it again...


I know people say.."we'll get over it". We will NEVER get over it. We will get through it. I know I will...I have to. I don't want Jordan to think for one second that "HE" messed up my life. When I was at the hospital, people tried to give me Valium, Xanax, Soma's. My husband (we are not together) was taking pills to ease the pain. I understood... for him that was fine. But I had to feel what I was feeling. Do you know what I mean? I had to KNOW what was going on. I wasn't even "aware". It was like I was in a dream and I was playing the part of someone else. I was going through the motions... but it wasn't me. Because this can't happen to me! But it did, and like most of you talk about; I was numb. Totally numb. I think God gives us that numb feeling. Because if we had to feel what we were about to go through, all at once, we would surely die. Because just as slow as that numbness left, the pain grew deeper and deeper. I thought it was going to swallow me whole. I think it may have a few times, to tell you the truth.
I was in church when it happened, teaching Sunday-school for the youth group. I love the Lord and my church, but it's true...some people just do not have a clue. I was told by one women, only 3 weeks had gone by; to "...get over it, Jesus wants you to be happy".
You know...I have studied psychology in college, I aced it as a matter of fact. I knew/know all the stages there are of greiving. It did not matter one bit. There is nothing to prepare you for something like this. Nothing.
A friend of mine stayed with me most of the first night. She asked me, .."how can you not blame God"? Others told me, I was mad at God, because I didn't go back to church. I wasn't mad at God; I was praising God that my son "IS" a Christian. He didn't take him...he recieved him. What I chose to do, for myself is I went up to the crash site every Sunday instead. I rake and I planted some cactus, and built a memoriel for them. Where each of them landed, from being thrown from the car, I put rocks in the shape of a heart. Every time I go there I bring something new. He loved motor-cycles, so he has a few of them. A couple teddy bears too. And I bring rocks I find that are flat, and smoothe and write scriptures on them. Lots of people go there to pray or sign their names. It is like therepy for me I guess. I feel like I am closer to him there. Plus, I can cry as loud as I want to and it won't bother anybody.
We are all going through such a tramatic period in our life. I keep thinking..."how did I get here?" and What could I have changed, to change this out come? I read these letters on this site, and I am greiving with every one of you. We share this bond, and no one else in the world knows what we now know. Not even my own Mother knows. (Praise God)!
I didn't mean to ramble on... I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your feelings with me, and to submit a poem I wrote
It is called, ......


"Whitewater Bridge"

The begining of the end,
when you grieve and cannot cry.
And you search your soul with-in,
To find the words to say good-bye.
The hardest part of losing you,
Is, "how to set you free"?
Your prism with-in my spirit,
Is still so much a part of me.
I feel, I feel... so much your real...
And

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on July 30, 2009 at 12:46pm

Hi Leslie,my name is Elaine I too was a mother of three I can't believe that our story is so much alike. I lost my 28 year old son Kris on 04-09-2006 do to a automobile accident he would have been 32 this year. Like your son my child was a New Orleans FireFighter. After Hurricane Katrina my son decided to relocate to Marrietta,Ga. with his family. He was accepted as a FireFighter but was informed that he had to be a EMT in order to be a FireFighter in Ga. My son Kris was told about the School of Matix for EMT classes. He was fortunate enough to attend the school but two weeks before graduation on his way home his SUV flipped and he was killed instantly. I don't know how or why someone would tell you to GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I don't know if they had a relationship like Kris and I had. But Kris was my LOVE CHILD,he would puckle his lips to give me a big kiss and I would tell him to go ahead boy I don't know where those lips been. Than Kris would give me this big bear hug and would not let go until he get his kiss. Oh how I would love to get one of his kisses or that bear hug that I could not get loose from. Kris was the role model for the young men in the neighbor hood plus the young men in our family. He loved sports,working on car,also the computer. I don't think there was not to much that Kris could not repair. Everyone would call Kris he can fix it. I miss my child so much,its been 3yrs3 months for me and it stills hurts,but things are getting a little better but I still can't yet go on. So Leslie I feel your pain. This is how Kristie and I met through this SITE. Thank God for this Site just knowing that there is someone who feel and know what you are goinh through. Leslie feel free to write anytime. I am here Elaine. Icite>Leslie L. Fiorda said:

Hi... My name is Leslie, I am a mother of three, and a grand-ma of 3.5, (with one on the way). My son Jordan was 23 when he left to be with the Lord. That was 04-29-2007. He and his girl-friend were killed in the accident, one young man survived; though he lost an eye, and almost his legs. He is alive, praise God! Jordan was 6'4" tall, he fought fires. He wanted to get his EMT, and go into forestry. He was great with kids...he would've been a great dad. He was so funny, and fun to listen to. No matter what kind of bad day you "thought" you were having, he'd change it. He used to imitate one of the kids voice from south park T.V. show. It used to drive me insain...absolutely nuts! Lol! How I wish I could hear it again...


I know people say.."we'll get over it". We will NEVER get over it. We will get through it. I know I will...I have to. I don't want Jordan to think for one second that "HE" messed up my life. When I was at the hospital, people tried to give me Valium, Xanax, Soma's. My husband (we are not together) was taking pills to ease the pain. I understood... for him that was fine. But I had to feel what I was feeling. Do you know what I mean? I had to KNOW what was going on. I wasn't even "aware". It was like I was in a dream and I was playing the part of someone else. I was going through the motions... but it wasn't me. Because this can't happen to me! But it did, and like most of you talk about; I was numb. Totally numb. I think God gives us that numb feeling. Because if we had to feel what we were about to go through, all at once, we would surely die. Because just as slow as that numbness left, the pain grew deeper and deeper. I thought it was going to swallow me whole. I think it may have a few times, to tell you the truth.
I was in church when it happened, teaching Sunday-school for the youth group. I love the Lord and my church, but it's true...some people just do not have a clue. I was told by one women, only 3 weeks had gone by; to "...get over it, Jesus wants you to be happy"

Permalink Reply by shirley zurschmeide on July 30, 2009 at 5:54pm

kristi said:

hi shirley i went to doctors and stuff like you and i will let tell you my story my son was 16 years old when he died that has been almost 3 years in oct 7th,2006 my heart still aches all the time.my son got shot by his friend and he died,the kid didnt get very much out of it no jail time or anything because he was 15.but i hear these shootings stabbings on tv and i just yell at my son because i guess he forgave josh for what he did to him so they let him off with just 200 community service,pay restitution of 2,980 and be on probation till he is 19 and he will be 19 in dec.but anyways i went to everyone and i finally found a support group and i have been in it for almost 3 years because i cant deal with my pain and i want to talk to someone about my son.so if you have a support group in your town please try that because it hellps me.they say to talk about your son like he is still there.dont hide him in the closet.talk to his picture.light a candle and write in a journal for 5 minutes everyday.and when it is his birthday make him his favorite food,make him a cake and take a plate out to the cemetary and take the cake and sing happy birthday to him.that does make me feel good.i do that on my other kids birthday and my husband and mine because he should still be here i say to my self an dhe liked cake and he eat anything so i just make something and take it out there for him.talk to his picture and say good morning and goodnight to him.but that is what i have dealt with and thats how my life has been doing is trying to cope.we had someone stabb one of my sons friend in the eye and he died and the guy that did this only got 15 years and all i did was sit there and yell at my son in his picture and cry because his killer got away with this.he lost his life for his friend.so thank you for listening and i hope this helped.anytime you can write kristishirley zurschmeide said:

Today is my son's birthday, he died when he was thirty-seven while he was at work. He was electrocuted. I had Scott when I was seventeen. We grew up together kinda. He always was thoughtful,kind and a caring son. Today he would have been thirty-nine. The pain never truly goes away,it's always there just waiting to be felt again and again. I have done all there is to do to cope with my pain. Seen doctors, take medicine. cry and talk to God.

Shirley

Permalink Reply by Diamond on July 30, 2009 at 7:23pm

Revelation 21:3,4 - A great hope for us all!!

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on July 31, 2009 at 12:40am

So, what about the people that don't read the bible? How are they going to know what the word is? Ughhhhhh! I am soooo upset today. I have a toothache, for starters. I cannot even go into all the semantics of my life. Ms. Shirley, I thought your words were very comforting, and spiritually thorough. I did not seem like you were rambling at all. I entreated your insights of such a similiar grief process. I distinctly remember when my Bah passed, that I really did not mind the wake, and or funeral, because I just knew this was not real, not happening, and I would shortly be shaken awake with my son nestled tightly in my arms snoring. It took me months to even start grieving for real. Then I was ready to kill or be killed. Those days were dark. Very dark. Everytime I think about them, I have to quickly redirect myself to praise the Lord for his goodness. People at my church are making me SICK!!!!!!! It's like there are a separate set of rules to one that has lost a loved one so close. People are very indifferent eight months after my Bah has gone on. It's like, they feel like if I reminisce about him, or mention his name, well, let's just say people aren't any longer very welcoming of my handling my son's passing. I think it was because I seemed so strong at first. The truth is, I wasn't being strong, I was livimg in a delusion that my current situation did not exist, and that all I needed for things to turn back to normal was to wake up. Well, I did wake up. To reality. It's like oneday I realized that the nightmare was getting too long to be sleep. This is literally what made me come to. The weather was changing too much, and the calendar kept moving forward. Then it was like I literally had to tell myself like, Tiffany. I am so sorry, but we don't have Bah anymore. He's not coming back. Then it was okay God well, I believe enough for you to send him back so, I won't be scared if he's home in the morning thank you. Went through that for awhile, then, the bottom fell out. I realized that the matter was final in every way of the word, and I flipped. I didn't think, or expect that I would come out of that. Especially walking through it by myself, because it was my family that was involved in my son's passing. We have crossed a lot of hurdles. That is why I am always talking about God. I can't not. He took special time with me through this process, helping me interpret his word, and holding me, and keeping me. He has showed me who I am and who I can be. He has given me confidence, taught me how to be a better parent, and that I can support my family, and be self-sufficient. Like his grace, and he showed me his sufficiency for me. That is why I am so confident today. It is a day I never looked for. I know that God had a purpose for me in this day. Today I am confident that I am saved, and that I do not have to fear to venture wherever I will. For the Lord will keep me unto the ends of the earth. He will keep you too beloved forum of the same precious burden. He will keep you too. Today, my smiles and my laughs are conscious, and they are mine. I am so thankful that I can see the beauty in life again. Whatever your struggle. I pray that you would be led from your darkness to find joy in YOUR day again beloved ones. Your joy is for you, you must seek it, and claim it in order to have it. It belongs to you. Your mournings, well, after all your tears have fallen to the ground, you must find the strength to leave them there, and look forward, and look up. Only then will you find the help to continue. God bless.

Diamond said:

Revelation 21:3,4 - A great hope for us all!!

Permalink Reply by Sue on August 1, 2009 at 10:15am

It has been 11 months since my 24 year old son passed away suddenly. I have just now received the coroner's report and toxicology and autopsy. It took such a long time. I live in Canada and can't believe how bad this system is. I work in Buffalo,NY in a Pathology department and we do things alot differently in the States.Our autopsy's are done within ten days, the medical examiners take a bit longer, but not 11 months!
It is pure torture to have to wait, esp. living in a small town with the rumours flying. But all in all, everyone has been really good to me, as much as they know how to be.
I feel like it is yesterday, when I got the call at work to come home NOW. I could hear my son's girlfriend in the background crying and I knew it was Josh. I kept asking , IS HE DEAD IS HE DEAD??? Finally, the police got on the phone and said"there was an accident and your son went over the bridge and I'm sorry to say he didn't make it". Apparently, I was hysterical at work and don't even remember driving home. Probably the worst thing was having to identify him in the morgue and not being able to hold him, just to see him in full rigor behind a glass window. I wanted to wipe his nose because it was bleeding.They had wiped the foam off his mouth, but his neck was huge and edemous. I was clawing at the glass begging them to let me in to hold him and tell him it was ok. The reason they couldn't let me in to him was because the autopsy wasn't done yet. But it still hurt beyond belief. I did ask the funeral director to let me see him before he was embalmed so I got to check out his body for signs of trauma and struggle.
This is so hard I can't even breathe .
Love and strength to you all.

Permalink Reply by shirley zurschmeide on August 1, 2009 at 3:58pm

Leslie L. Fiorda said:

Hi... My name is Leslie, I am a mother of three, and a grand-ma of 3.5, (with one on the way). My son Jordan was 23 when he left to be with the Lord. That was 04-29-2007. He and his girl-friend were killed in the accident, one young man survived; though he lost an eye, and almost his legs. He is alive, praise God! Jordan was 6'4" tall, he fought fires. He wanted to get his EMT, and go into forestry. He was great with kids...he would've been a great dad. He was so funny, and fun to listen to. No matter what kind of bad day you "thought" you were having, he'd change it. He used to imitate one of the kids voice from south park T.V. show. It used to drive me insain...absolutely nuts! Lol! How I wish I could hear it again...


I know people say.."we'll get over it". We will NEVER get over it. We will get through it. I know I will...I have to. I don't want Jordan to think for one second that "HE" messed up my life. When I was at the hospital, people tried to give me Valium, Xanax, Soma's. My husband (we are not together) was taking pills to ease the pain. I understood... for him that was fine. But I had to feel what I was feeling. Do you know what I mean? I had to KNOW what was going on. I wasn't even "aware". It was like I was in a dream and I was playing the part of someone else. I was going through the motions... but it wasn't me. Because this can't happen to me! But it did, and like most of you talk about; I was numb. Totally numb. I think God gives us that numb feeling. Because if we had to feel what we were about to go through, all at once, we would surely die. Because just as slow as that numbness left, the pain grew deeper and deeper. I thought it was going to swallow me whole. I think it may have a few times, to tell you the truth.
I was in church when it happened, teaching Sunday-school for the youth group. I love the Lord and my church, but it's true...some people just do not have a clue. I was told by one women, only 3 weeks had gone by; to "...get over it, Jesus wants you to be happy".
You know...I have studied psychology in college, I aced it as a matter of fact. I knew/know all the stages there are of greiving. It did not matter one bit. There is nothing to prepare you for something like this. Nothing.
A friend of mine stayed with me most of the first night. She asked me, .."how can you not blame God"? Others told me, I was mad at God, because I didn't go back to church. I wasn't mad at God; I was praising God that my son "IS" a Christian. He didn't take him...he recieved him. What I chose to do, for myself is I went up to the crash site every Sunday instead. I rake and I planted some cactus, and built a memoriel for them. Where each of them landed, from being thrown from the car, I put rocks in the shape of a heart. Every time I go there I bring something new. He loved motor-cycles, so he has a few of them. A couple teddy bears too. And I bring rocks I find that are flat, and smoothe and write scriptures on them. Lots of people go there to pray or sign their names. It is like therepy for me I guess. I feel like I am closer to him there. Plus, I can cry as loud as I want to and it won't bother anybody.
We are all going through such a tramatic period in our life. I keep thinking..."how did I get here?" and What could I have changed, to change this out come? I read these letters on this site, and I am greiving with every one of you. We share this bond, and no one else in the world knows what we now know. Not even my own Mother knows. (Praise God)!
I didn't mean to ramble on... I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your feelings with me, and to submit a poem I wrote
It is called, ......


"Whitewater Bridge"

The begining of the end,
when you grieve and cannot cry.
And you search your soul with-in,
To find the words to say good-bye.
The hardest part of losing you,
Is, "how to set you free"?
Your prism with-in my spirit,
Is still so much a part of me.
I feel, I feel... so much your real...
And

Permalink Reply by shirley zurschmeide on August 1, 2009 at 4:01pm

tiffany wheatley said:

So, what about the people that don't read the bible? How are they going to know what the word is? Ughhhhhh! I am soooo upset today. I have a toothache, for starters. I cannot even go into all the semantics of my life. Ms. Shirley, I thought your words were very comforting, and spiritually thorough. I did not seem like you were rambling at all. I entreated your insights of such a similiar grief process. I distinctly remember when my Bah passed, that I really did not mind the wake, and or funeral, because I just knew this was not real, not happening, and I would shortly be shaken awake with my son nestled tightly in my arms snoring. It took me months to even start grieving for real. Then I was ready to kill or be killed. Those days were dark. Very dark. Everytime I think about them, I have to quickly redirect myself to praise the Lord for his goodness. People at my church are making me SICK!!!!!!! It's like there are a separate set of rules to one that has lost a loved one so close. People are very indifferent eight months after my Bah has gone on. It's like, they feel like if I reminisce about him, or mention his name, well, let's just say people aren't any longer very welcoming of my handling my son's passing. I think it was because I seemed so strong at first. The truth is, I wasn't being strong, I was livimg in a delusion that my current situation did not exist, and that all I needed for things to turn back to normal was to wake up. Well, I did wake up. To reality. It's like oneday I realized that the nightmare was getting too long to be sleep. This is literally what made me come to. The weather was changing too much, and the calendar kept moving forward. Then it was like I literally had to tell myself like, Tiffany. I am so sorry, but we don't have Bah anymore. He's not coming back. Then it was okay God well, I believe enough for you to send him back so, I won't be scared if he's home in the morning thank you. Went through that for awhile, then, the bottom fell out. I realized that the matter was final in every way of the word, and I flipped. I didn't think, or expect that I would come out of that. Especially walking through it by myself, because it was my family that was involved in my son's passing. We have crossed a lot of hurdles. That is why I am always talking about God. I can't not. He took special time with me through this process, helping me interpret his word, and holding me, and keeping me. He has showed me who I am and who I can be. He has given me confidence, taught me how to be a better parent, and that I can support my family, and be self-sufficient. Like his grace, and he showed me his sufficiency for me. That is why I am so confident today. It is a day I never looked for. I know that God had a purpose for me in this day. Today I am confident that I am saved, and that I do not have to fear to venture wherever I will. For the Lord will keep me unto the ends of the earth. He will keep you too beloved forum of the same precious burden. He will keep you too. Today, my smiles and my laughs are conscious, and they are mine. I am so thankful that I can see the beauty in life again. Whatever your struggle. I pray that you would be led from your darkness to find joy in YOUR day again beloved ones. Your joy is for you, you must seek it, and claim it in order to have it. It belongs to you. Your mournings, well, after all your tears have fallen to the ground, you must find the strength to leave them there, and look forward, and look up. Only then will you find the help to continue. God bless.

Diamond said:

Revelation 21:3,4 - A great hope for us all!!

Permalink Reply by shirley zurschmeide on August 1, 2009 at 4:02pm

shirley zurschmeide said:

tiffany wheatley said:

So, what about the people that don't read the bible? How are they going to know what the word is? Ughhhhhh! I am soooo upset today. I have a toothache, for starters. I cannot even go into all the semantics of my life. Ms. Shirley, I thought your words were very comforting, and spiritually thorough. I did not seem like you were rambling at all. I entreated your insights of such a similiar grief process. I distinctly remember when my Bah passed, that I really did not mind the wake, and or funeral, because I just knew this was not real, not happening, and I would shortly be shaken awake with my son nestled tightly in my arms snoring. It took me months to even start grieving for real. Then I was ready to kill or be killed. Those days were dark. Very dark. Everytime I think about them, I have to quickly redirect myself to praise the Lord for his goodness. People at my church are making me SICK!!!!!!! It's like there are a separate set of rules to one that has lost a loved one so close. People are very indifferent eight months after my Bah has gone on. It's like, they feel like if I reminisce about him, or mention his name, well, let's just say people aren't any longer very welcoming of my handling my son's passing. I think it was because I seemed so strong at first. The truth is, I wasn't being strong, I was livimg in a delusion that my current situation did not exist, and that all I needed for things to turn back to normal was to wake up. Well, I did wake up. To reality. It's like oneday I realized that the nightmare was getting too long to be sleep. This is literally what made me come to. The weather was changing too much, and the calendar kept moving forward. Then it was like I literally had to tell myself like, Tiffany. I am so sorry, but we don't have Bah anymore. He's not coming back. Then it was okay God well, I believe enough for you to send him back so, I won't be scared if he's home in the morning thank you. Went through that for awhile, then, the bottom fell out. I realized that the matter was final in every way of the word, and I flipped. I didn't think, or expect that I would come out of that. Especially walking through it by myself, because it was my family that was involved in my son's passing. We have crossed a lot of hurdles. That is why I am always talking about God. I can't not. He took special time with me through this process, helping me interpret his word, and holding me, and keeping me. He has showed me who I am and who I can be. He has given me confidence, taught me how to be a better parent, and that I can support my family, and be self-sufficient. Like his grace, and he showed me his sufficiency for me. That is why I am so confident today. It is a day I never looked for. I know that God had a purpose for me in this day. Today I am confident that I am saved, and that I do not have to fear to venture wherever I will. For the Lord will keep me unto the ends of the earth. He will keep you too beloved forum of the same precious burden. He will keep you too. Today, my smiles and my laughs are conscious, and they are mine. I am so thankful that I can see the beauty in life again. Whatever your struggle. I pray that you would be led from your darkness to find joy in YOUR day again beloved ones. Your joy is for you, you must seek it, and claim it in order to have it. It belongs to you. Your mournings, well, after all your tears have fallen to the ground, you must find the strength to leave them there, and look forward, and look up. Only then will you find the help to continue. God bless.

Diamond said:

Revelation 21:3,4 - A great hope for us all!!

Permalink Reply by shirley zurschmeide on August 1, 2009 at 4:13pm

Diamond you are truly a spiritual woman, I believe what you say is true. I believe that one day my son will be waiting for me and I'll be sooo happy to be with him again. But I wish that day will come soon.
I have this mood and it's dark at times, I know I know. My life has changed and I didn't want to lose Scott. When he died I asked God to bring him back to me but of course this didn't happen. I miss his voice, his face and his smell. In the mornings on the way to work I'd say my prayers and ask God to take care of my sons and not to take any of them?? But let me tell you this I have only shared with family members. At the funeral as I sat on the couch across the room there was a big purple round circle of light and anybody could of seem it. it was that big. I couldn't say anything because I couldn't take my eyes off of it and in a second it was gone. I was the only one who saw it. What do you think that was Diamond?? Scott's spirit or something??

Shirley

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 30
• 31
• 32
• 33
• 34
• …
• 80
• Next ›
• Page