The loss of a child

Gerry Fiden said:
This was my first Holiday knowing that my son was no longer on this earth. When my phone woke me up indiating I had a text message, I laid in bed and cried. It would not be from him. There would be no phone call, no e-mail. no I love you mom. I held my sons ashes close to my heart, felt so empty and just cried. Thank God for friends who convined me to go to their home for dinner. With the help of my friends daughter and her children, I was able to get through the day. Playing with her 5 year old son and 1 year old daughter was bittersweet. I know Ric was there in spirit, as he was and always will be in my heart. I love you,Mom

Permalink Reply by Sheryl Hysaw on December 2, 2009 at 5:09pm

My 29 year old son was murdered on March 28, 2009. I am sick. I still can not accept his death. I don't want counseling, I don't want grief support, I want my son. He is a father and a brother and a uncle and a friend. He had a life. He was on his way to his nieces birthday party. Why? I did not even get to see him that day. I did not know he was going to die. Why? How can anyone go on after this? It just does not make since to me. He did not deserve to die.

Permalink Reply by kristi on December 2, 2009 at 5:24pm

sorry to hear about your loss,your son or any other son did not need to die.i kept saying that to myself after my son passed away and he was only 16years old he died 3 years ago on oct 7th,2006 it is so hard for me,i went to support group for 3 years and i plan to go still.sheryl i will tell you when it comes to your mind please go to support group they know how you are feeling and you cry with them and they cry with you and it is because they know what you are going throu.i know how my son got shot and it took me a long time to forgive people for what they put me throu.but i didnt still forgive the kid that did this because he was 15 and he shouldnt of had the gun loaded at 100am.can i ask you how your son passed on?me i live everyday like i need to i come home and am sad and cry sometimes.my family tells me to let my son go but in support group they tell you that you dont need to and i am not going to like i tell everyone around me.thanks and take care and were here for you

Sheryl Hysaw said:

My 29 year old son was murdered on March 28, 2009. I am sick. I still can not accept his death. I don't want counseling, I don't want grief support, I want my son. He is a father and a brother and a uncle and a friend. He had a life. He was on his way to his nieces birthday party. Why? I did not even get to see him that day. I did not know he was going to die. Why? How can anyone go on after this? It just does not make since to me. He did not deserve to die.

Permalink Reply by Sheryl Hysaw on December 2, 2009 at 6:47pm

Derrick was shot in his heart by his girlfriend's brother.
kristi said:

sorry to hear about your loss,your son or any other son did not need to die.i kept saying that to myself after my son passed away and he was only 16years old he died 3 years ago on oct 7th,2006 it is so hard for me,i went to support group for 3 years and i plan to go still.sheryl i will tell you when it comes to your mind please go to support group they know how you are feeling and you cry with them and they cry with you and it is because they know what you are going throu.i know how my son got shot and it took me a long time to forgive people for what they put me throu.but i didnt still forgive the kid that did this because he was 15 and he shouldnt of had the gun loaded at 100am.can i ask you how your son passed on?me i live everyday like i need to i come home and am sad and cry sometimes.my family tells me to let my son go but in support group they tell you that you dont need to and i am not going to like i tell everyone around me.thanks and take care and were here for you

Sheryl Hysaw said:
My 29 year old son was murdered on March 28, 2009. I am sick. I still can not accept his death. I don't want counseling, I don't want grief support, I want my son. He is a father and a brother and a uncle and a friend. He had a life. He was on his way to his nieces birthday party. Why? I did not even get to see him that day. I did not know he was going to die. Why? How can anyone go on after this? It just does not make since to me. He did not deserve to die.

Permalink Reply by Sheryl Hysaw on December 2, 2009 at 6:50pm

His birthday is Friday, December 4th. He would have been 30. It is suppose to snow here in San Antonio that day. It will be a miracle if it does. I hope so.
Sheryl Hysaw said:

Derrick was shot in his heart by his girlfriend's brother.
kristi said:
sorry to hear about your loss,your son or any other son did not need to die.i kept saying that to myself after my son passed away and he was only 16years old he died 3 years ago on oct 7th,2006 it is so hard for me,i went to support group for 3 years and i plan to go still.sheryl i will tell you when it comes to your mind please go to support group they know how you are feeling and you cry with them and they cry with you and it is because they know what you are going throu.i know how my son got shot and it took me a long time to forgive people for what they put me throu.but i didnt still forgive the kid that did this because he was 15 and he shouldnt of had the gun loaded at 100am.can i ask you how your son passed on?me i live everyday like i need to i come home and am sad and cry sometimes.my family tells me to let my son go but in support group they tell you that you dont need to and i am not going to like i tell everyone around me.thanks and take care and were here for you

Sheryl Hysaw said:
My 29 year old son was murdered on March 28, 2009. I am sick. I still can not accept his death. I don't want counseling, I don't want grief support, I want my son. He is a father and a brother and a uncle and a friend. He had a life. He was on his way to his nieces birthday party. Why? I did not even get to see him that day. I did not know he was going to die. Why? How can anyone go on after this? It just does not make since to me. He did not deserve to die.

Permalink Reply by kristi on December 2, 2009 at 8:12pm

sorry to hear that my son was shot by his own friend,and my son told him to stay until the end and the kid did he only got 200 hours community service,2,980 .of restitution and probation till he is 19 and that is this year in 19th of dec.man i cant believe that it has been that long.he loaded the gun than was unloading it and didnt count the bullets going out but he did going in.and he pointed it at my son and pulled the trigger thinking that it was empty.well it wasnt.oh the community i live in is just like family town it is so nice people have been so supportive to me and my family,holidays are rough and his angel day is rough and the day he passed away thinking that he is going to call.i didnt have sleep for 37 hours after.but i go to support groups.and they call to see if i am alright and stuff when we dont have it.i hope you find comfort in this legacy stuff because on holidays they do help you out.thanks and you can write to me any time ok.kristi

Sheryl Hysaw said:

Derrick was shot in his heart by his girlfriend's brother.
kristi said:
sorry to hear about your loss,your son or any other son did not need to die.i kept saying that to myself after my son passed away and he was only 16years old he died 3 years ago on oct 7th,2006 it is so hard for me,i went to support group for 3 years and i plan to go still.sheryl i will tell you when it comes to your mind please go to support group they know how you are feeling and you cry with them and they cry with you and it is because they know what you are going throu.i know how my son got shot and it took me a long time to forgive people for what they put me throu.but i didnt still forgive the kid that did this because he was 15 and he shouldnt of had the gun loaded at 100am.can i ask you how your son passed on?me i live everyday like i need to i come home and am sad and cry sometimes.my family tells me to let my son go but in support group they tell you that you dont need to and i am not going to like i tell everyone around me.thanks and take care and were here for you

Sheryl Hysaw said:
My 29 year old son was murdered on March 28, 2009. I am sick. I still can not accept his death. I don't want counseling, I don't want grief support, I want my son. He is a father and a brother and a uncle and a friend. He had a life. He was on his way to his nieces birthday party. Why? I did not even get to see him that day. I did not know he was going to die. Why? How can anyone go on after this? It just does not make since to me. He did not deserve to die.

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on December 3, 2009 at 3:23am

Hi Judy...
How are you doing Hun? I cried all day too. I had no where to go, no where to be. I didn't cook a Thanksgiving dinner...no company, and it was for the better. I know no one wants to be around me when I'm blue. And boy-o-boy was I blue. I talked a bit w/ my sister on her IM from her work. She lives out of state. My daughter called and let me talk with my grand-kids, and that was nice. My son Miloh called me too. But it's just not a "HUG". I wanted a hug or a "squeeze" from Jordan. But he had already hugged me for the last time on 04-29-07. I wouldve taken a hug from a stranger, if I only thought it would help. I cried at the drop of a hat...all by myself, at stupid things; like the ads on t.v. for COKE. No...I didn't need to be around anyone like that and the way I was feeling.
You know Judy, sometimes I do pretty good. I mean, I don't cry all day long. I guess I "fake it" real good now. I will always be sad...not for Jordan though. I know he is ok. I am sad for me. His hugs were very important to me. As I know yours was/is to you. This road we travel now, is unfamiliar to us. And we were forced to be here...in our situation.
I said this before, I know I will {eventually} be ok. I am not there yet. I don't have a clue how long it will take me to get to that point, where I will say those few little words, "I am okay", and really mean them.
But the one thing that sticks in my mind no matter what is; I don't want Jordan to think HE RUINED MY LIFE. And if I mess up in any way, I know he would feel responsible. And that thought has kept me from doing stupid stuff. And for that, I am thankful. I am also thankful for this site. It continues to help me inside.
When I look at that day, {Thanksgiving Day} I was trying to figure out WHY more tearful then... And I think it's because Jordan was right here with me. Even though I didn't know it at the time, I think my spirit knew it. Cause I know when it's my time to go, and I see my son in Heaven...I will be crying then too.
Just know you are not alone, and I am praying for you. {AND ALL OF US} God Bless you. .................................Leslie

P.S. Happy Angel Day!

Judy said:

Thanksgiving was very hard and I cried most of the day; the first of the major holidays without our son. We had a picture of him at his place at the table and lit a candle that had last burned when we ate together the night he died. I still can't believe this has happened, it just seems so unreal and unnatural. I wonder how I'll get through his birthday 12/24 and angel day 12/28.

Permalink Reply by Sheryl Hysaw on December 3, 2009 at 8:27am

My sons murder can be put in the domestic violence catagory. Derrick and his girlfriend always fought. It was common for them. No one was ever hurt but this day her brothers took a gun to Derricks home and shot him twice. I am a domestic violence survivor. I made the decision a long time ago to get out and stay out. My question is, if women choose to stay in a situation, even if what they are saying about him is not true, let's just say it is, does the family of that person have the right to kill? I will not make excuses for my son, I know what it looks like and I still believe they took the law in their own hands.

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on December 5, 2009 at 12:05am

Sheryl Hysaw said:

My sons murder can be put in the domestic violence catagory. Derrick and his girlfriend always fought. It was common for them. No one was ever hurt but this day her brothers took a gun to Derricks home and shot him twice. I am a domestic violence survivor. I made the decision a long time ago to get out and stay out. My question is, if women choose to stay in a situation, even if what they are saying about him is not true, let's just say it is, does the family of that person have the right to kill? I will not make excuses for my son, I know what it looks like and I still believe they took the law in their own hands.

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on December 5, 2009 at 12:08am

Dear Sheryl,
Today is your sons birthday....your very first without him here with you. It is a hard day we go through...being mothers. I am praying for you, to help you through this day. It is not an easy one.
You said "you" are a domestic violence survivor; good for you. I am too, but just barely. I understand what your talking about ...fully. From broken jaws to broken lives. No one has the right to take some ones life. I am very sad for you, (with you) for this.

Sheryl Hysaw said:

My 29 year old son was murdered on March 28, 2009. I am sick. I still can not accept his death. I don't want counseling, I don't want grief support, I want my son. He is a father and a brother and a uncle and a friend. He had a life. He was on his way to his nieces birthday party. Why? I did not even get to see him that day. I did not know he was going to die. Why? How can anyone go on after this? It just does not make since to me. He did not deserve to die.

Permalink Reply by Mom of 2 Angels on December 8, 2009 at 2:19pm

I will lend you, for a little time,
A child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief.
You'll have his lovely memories,
As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over,
In search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain.
Nor hate me when I come
To take him home again?

I fancied that I heard them say,
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'
For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we've planned.
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
And try to understand.

15 years ago today my daughter, Morgan, was stillborn. I found this poem by Edgar Guest in a Dear Abby article and it helped me heal. Gave me the idea that God needed my baby to be an angel. The loss of my dreams wasn't for nothing.
The pain I felt then was very intense and overpowering but it wasn't anything compared to what happened on February 21, 2008. My sixteen year old daughter woke me up in the middle of the night all upset over a phone call. On the phone was the mother of my 19 yr old daughter's friend. She claimed she was told through the grapevine that my daughter Becky was killed in a car accident. I was half awake and thought it was just a misunderstanding. The dog wouldn't stop barking, someone was banging on the door. I opened the door to 2 police officers and the department chaplain. A part of me died at that moment. My beautiful, young, blue-eyed, blond haired girl was a passenger in a car that slid off the road, went airborne, slammed head on in the side of a ditch, rolled on its top, trapping her half under in a freezing creek bed before bursting into flames. A passer-by saw the smoke coming from under the bridge. The wreckage wasn't visible from the road. He happened to be a volunteer fireman and was able to save the driver. She was critically injured, but made a full recovery. He was unable to find Becky. Wouldn't have mattered, she had already drown. In a way she was lucky. She was already gone before the fire reached her. That I am thankful for.
I'm the type of person who always tries to see the bright side of a situation. Try to find beauty instead of pain. Despite the bad weather, hundreds of people came to her showing to say their good byes and/or offer support. She was definitely loved by many. I was on auto-pilot that day. I felt nothing. I don't remember much of her funeral except a few things that stood out. That morning we woke to the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. It had started snowing the night before. It wasn't a typical snowfall though. These flakes were enormous. They stuck to all they touched, covering everything from the roof tops to the smallest of branches with a beautiful fluffy blanket of white. And the enormous snowflakes were still falling, adding even more beauty. A part of me thinks she made that day so beautiful as a way to let us know she was still with us. Its a comforting thought. That's all I have left now.
Her death turned our lives up-side down. My 16 yr old that answered that awful phone call had a very rough time dealing with it. So much so, she attempted suicide. Thankfully she did not succeed. My oldest son, an incredibly intelligent young man, became withdrawn and blew off college, losing his scholarship. Now he can't get the funding to complete his education. My grandson, Becky's 3 yr old boy, has been in a tug of war between his father and my mother. His father, who he barely knew, ripped him from my mother's home, the only home Kameron knew, and left him with strangers while he joined the army. Eventually he was left with me and now I have temporary custody. The final hearing isn't until this spring. I'm terrified I'll lose him. Even though his father has went almost a year without even so much as a phone call asking how he's doing; the courts still favor the biological parent. It breaks my heart to see how this has effected Kameron. I see it in his actions. I see it in his face, his mother's face. Having him does help cope with my loss. He's so much like her, a boy version of her.
Now I am at odds with my mother, who also wants custody. She feels I should share him with her. She doesn't understand going back and forth confuses him. He needs stability, not being bounced around. I'm also at odds with my husband now. In a search for something to help ease our grief we started playing an online game on a social web-site. This game, or more-so the people we were playing the game with, have come between my husband and I. Now we are trying to put our marriage back together after nearly destroying it.
Losing a child is the most painful experience one can go through. But it my case, the circumstances of her death and the avalanche that followed has been the hardest to deal with. My daughter is in heaven. She is safe from harm and at peace. I'm still here, brokenhearted and trying desperately to put the pieces back together again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihndhkKWNaI

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on December 8, 2009 at 6:18pm

Dear Mom of two Angels;

After reading your poem and your story, I went to Rebecca's memoriel site. What an astonishing beautiful young woman! She left you so young. My heart breaks for you. My son, Jordan, was only 23. He was 6'4" tall, light brown hair...green eyes. So healthy, so full of life. It is so hard to imagine us living without them. I still cant believe "He's really gone". My son "is" a Christian also, like your daughter. I know he is in a good place... Like you said, "We" are the ones left behind. And even knowing I will see him again, still does not take away this pain, this emptyness that I feel. It says in the Bible..."there is a time to grieve". This is our time. God promised us it ..."would last only but a season". I wonder how long that is. I know I have changed through all of this. I feel it. I hardly play my guitar anymore. Jordan was one of my biggest fans. I feel lost. Like I am on a long road trip without any directions...no destination.
Just know you are not alone. I am grieving with you.
You will be in my prayers. If you need to talk, my email is Luvdablues@roadrunner.com
Very beautiful website, thank you for sharing. ............Leslie

Mom of 2 Angels said:

I will lend you, for a little time,
A child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief.
You'll have his lovely memories,
As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over,
In search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain.
Nor hate me when I come
To take him home again?

I fancied that I heard them say,
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'
For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we've planned.
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
And try to understand.

15 years ago today my daughter, Morgan, was stillborn. I found this poem by Edgar Guest in a Dear Abby article and it helped me heal. Gave me the idea that God needed my baby to be an angel. The loss of my dreams wasn't for nothing.
The pain I felt then was very intense and overpowering but it wasn't anything compared to what happened on February 21, 2008. My sixteen year old daughter woke me up in the middle of the night all upset over a phone call. On the phone was the mother of my 19 yr old daughter's friend. She claimed she was told through the grapevine that my daughter Becky was killed in a car accident. I was half awake and thought it was just a misunderstanding. The dog wouldn't stop barking, someone was banging on the door. I opened the door to 2 police officers and the department chaplain. A part of me died at that moment. My beautiful, young, blue-eyed, blond haired girl was a passenger in a car that slid off the road, went airborne, slammed head on in the side of a ditch, rolled on its top, trapping her half under in a freezing creek bed before bursting into flames. A passer-by saw the smoke coming from under the bridge. The wreckage wasn't visible from the road. He happened to be a volunteer fireman and was able to save the driver. She was critical