Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on September 1, 2012 at 1:36pm

Do what ever you need to do it is ok. Cry,screem,lock yourself in a room,talk, don't talk. There is no right or wrong. I remember feeling guilty when I woke up,when I slept, when  I ate, hell..I felt guilty all the time. This to shall pass for you as it did for all of us here. You are raw right now and need to take care of Sharon..Sarah would want that. Try to remember this..our children are at peace and non of this earthly "sruff" matters to them anymore. She knows you loved her and did what you could and she knows your love for her is endless as does my son. You are so right my only regret is no goodby. I do do
do know though that someday I will be able to hello again and I love you Ric. This keeps me going.

Gerry
 Sharon said:

Gerry,

I'm so sorry you did not get a chance to say good-bye  to your son.  The pain must be horrible.  Right now, I have a hard time looking at pictures of Sarah because I miss her so much and the pains too much.  I pray this will change in time. I pray the guilt will subside as well, but I don't feel it will.  I cry and scream much of the time.  I'm thankful there are others to talk with, because no one, except some one who has lost a child, truly understands. 
 
Gerry Fiden said:

Sharon,

 

You did nothing wrong and you were there with her when God took her home. You said it happened so quick be grateful for that and that you could hold her and say goodbye. My son was draged 180 ft under a car and left to die alone as the man who hit him fled. I am grateful for the boy who chased him and his twin brother who tried to move the car from my sons body. We had no goodbyes and there was no viewing due to the nature of his death. This man took my son but he can not take my memories or the love in my heart.

Keep Sarah alive any way you choose and others will eventually realize it is ok to talk about her. We want our kids to be remembered not forgotten. It is to close to home for some and it is easier for them not to bring up our children because they dont know what to say and are afraid it will happen to them. Be patient and I am here if you need to vent or cry.Gerry
Sharon said:

Our precious Sarah passed away only 10 days ago. She was just 20 years old.  Even though she had many health issues and had been in and out of hospitals the future was still hopeful.  She was looking forward to worknig part time and possibly going to school and then the unthinkable happened. Because of lung issues we needed to be extra careful when she gets congested.  We took her to the ER aug. 20th because of a cough they gave her nebs and a steroid shot and debated whether to keep her overnight, they decided she could come home.  That night one of the avm's in her lungs ruptured and she bleed to death right in front of us. It happened so quickly.  The pain of that night is unbearable.  I have guilt because I feel I should have done more.  Even though I did give her nebs, I didn't give them as often as I could of because I worried about her heartrate going to high. There are so many things we couldn't done differently.  If only we had kept her in the hospital overnight. I feel I failed my baby and it's too much to bear.  I do have faith...but I admit it is weak at times.  I so much just want to join my little girl but know I can't.  My husband and I are planning on attending a support group for parents who have lost children, but the pain is so unbearable.

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on September 3, 2012 at 5:21pm

Oh Heart..if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers but the seed remains..~Kahlil Gibran

Permalink Reply by Amber Jacobs on September 5, 2012 at 10:04am

I lost my 21 year old brother Adam to suicide May 20, 2012 due to a mental illness. There is not enough information and knowledge out there for people who suffer from a mental illness. NAMI is a great organization that helps spread awareness. My family and I are participating in the NAMI walk Oct 13 and would love to get more donations in my brother's honor. We want to be my brother's voice and tell people your not alone. We miss him everyday and this helps up stay close to him. Even if it's 5 dollars it make a difference. Please check it out

http://namiwalks.nami.org/TeamPage.aspx?Referrer=http%3a%2f%2fweb.m...

 

Thanks everyone and God Bless

 

Amber Jacobs

Permalink Reply by Vicki Wagner on September 20, 2012 at 5:15am

My marraige is falling apart after the death of my son and I don't know what to do! My son was murdered in his home on April 9, 2009 at the age of 24 and my world just fell apart. My children are my life and we have always been really close so to say I was devastated just doesn't even touch on the depth of my grief. I was living in another country at the time but was home on holiday when it happened. When I returned to where I was living a month after losing my son, I had no family support and eventually was admitted to a clinic for a month for treatment of depression. I was put onto medication which I took for two years. Last year, my husband (who is stepfather to my children) and I, returned to our home country to be closer to family. My husband has been extremely supportive throughout but unfortunately, he doesn't quite understand the depth of my grief. When I am with family, I put on a brave face because I don't want to upset anyone. They were all very close to my son, especially his sister, and I know how difficult it is for them too. The only place I felt I could be myself was at home because my husband was so supportive. Unfortunately, he has now had enough of my moods and depression. He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave the house, why I don't enjoy socialising with his friends and why I have no motivation to do anything with my life. I know I am still suffereing with depression. I stopped taking my tablets last year as I was feeling 'numb' with life but now it feels like I am experiencing my loss all over again. I feel it is important not to block out my feelings like I was with medication so do not want to take medication for depression again. I need my husbands help to cope but he just wants the 'old me' back again. (We met and married 6 years prior to my son's death). I try to explain that I will never be that person again but he doesn't understand why. We are fighting constantly and I don't think we will be together in a year if things don't change. He doesn't think so either. I have seen a change in him recently where he is very short and abrupt with me and snaps at me instead of being understanding. Unfortunately I don't have a medical insurance, our country doesn't have a national health plan and we cannot afford councelling or doctor's support of any kind. We don't even have any support groups that I could join. If anyone could please give me some advice on what to do to save my marraige by helping my husband understand what I am going through, I would be so grateful. Thank you!

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on September 20, 2012 at 5:02pm

Does your husband have any biological children? If so, ask him how he would feel if he lost one of them in such a horrible way, perhaps then he would understand. Explain to him how we all go through grief differently and at our own pace. Anyone here will tell you, we may have good days and move forward with our lives when the time is right for us...but we never stop grieving and we never forget. Just a thought, ask him to share memories of your son with you, both good and bad, several times a week and see if this helps.Perhaps getting him to talk and open up will help. I doubt if any of us has an answer for you. There are many books that the two of you could read about the loss of a child, you could even do this online.

Good luck and God be with you.
 
Vicki Wagner said:

My marraige is falling apart after the death of my son and I don't know what to do! My son was murdered in his home on April 9, 2009 at the age of 24 and my world just fell apart. My children are my life and we have always been really close so to say I was devastated just doesn't even touch on the depth of my grief. I was living in another country at the time but was home on holiday when it happened. When I returned to where I was living a month after losing my son, I had no family support and eventually was admitted to a clinic for a month for treatment of depression. I was put onto medication which I took for two years. Last year, my husband (who is stepfather to my children) and I, returned to our home country to be closer to family. My husband has been extremely supportive throughout but unfortunately, he doesn't quite understand the depth of my grief. When I am with family, I put on a brave face because I don't want to upset anyone. They were all very close to my son, especially his sister, and I know how difficult it is for them too. The only place I felt I could be myself was at home because my husband was so supportive. Unfortunately, he has now had enough of my moods and depression. He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave the house, why I don't enjoy socialising with his friends and why I have no motivation to do anything with my life. I know I am still suffereing with depression. I stopped taking my tablets last year as I was feeling 'numb' with life but now it feels like I am experiencing my loss all over again. I feel it is important not to block out my feelings like I was with medication so do not want to take medication for depression again. I need my husbands help to cope but he just wants the 'old me' back again. (We met and married 6 years prior to my son's death). I try to explain that I will never be that person again but he doesn't understand why. We are fighting constantly and I don't think we will be together in a year if things don't change. He doesn't think so either. I have seen a change in him recently where he is very short and abrupt with me and snaps at me instead of being understanding. Unfortunately I don't have a medical insurance, our country doesn't have a national health plan and we cannot afford councelling or doctor's support of any kind. We don't even have any support groups that I could join. If anyone could please give me some advice on what to do to save my marraige by helping my husband understand what I am going through, I would be so grateful. Thank you!

Permalink Reply by Hallie on October 16, 2012 at 12:27pm

It is so incredibly hard because people grieve in different ways and it can bring you closer or drive you apart.  Unless you have lost that part of you I don't think you fully understand or comprehend the sense of loss and lonliness.  What about your local pastor or church?  Sometimes just getting it all out individually or together lets you clean the slate a little and begin to move forward.

Permalink Reply by Sherri Marlene Groves on October 17, 2012 at 7:02am

We lost our Stacey 3 weeks go today. If you hear Stacey's age (38) you think adult but she was a special needs child, severely handicapped, and totally dependent on me for her care. She was the light of my husband and my life. We are so thankful that we were extended this many years to have her. We know, without a doubt, that she is in Heaven with no more pain and her body is not constrained as it was in the wheelchair. But knowing all this, the physical loss is sometimes so overwhelming. She had a smile that would light up a room and she made you feel special when you were the recipient of that smile. She was always happy and I know she wouldn't want us to be so sad when she is at her happiest. It was a simple surgury to release tendons in her hands and we brought her home the next day, but her breathing started slowing down greatly in the evening and we took her to the ER. She went very peacefully and of that I am so thankful but I keep thinking she'll be here when I do my tasks - she went to every room with me to clean; went everywhere with us - to the stores, church, trips. I did 24/7 care for  her and right now I don't know what to do with my time. It's too soon, I think, to volunteer anywhere, but that will be my next step. It helps to know there are others who know the wrenching of the heart out of the blue when you think you're doing OK on any given day.

Permalink Reply by Sherri Marlene Groves on October 17, 2012 at 7:38am

I am a clock watcher today. I look at the clock and think - we were getting released from the hospital; again - this is when we got home; and I know this evening as I look at the clock I will relive the events of going to the ER and the events that took place there. I try not to look at the clock and try not to think of it, but I am drawn to it. When the pain of the loss hits me, I just want to double over in pain in my stomach and my heart. I keep telling myself she is so happy and I wouldn't bring her back for a micro-second, but the physical loss is unimaginable.

Permalink Reply by Sharon on October 18, 2012 at 12:31pm

Hi Sherri,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand your pain.  We lost our 20 year old daughter just 2 months ago, and even though she was not handiicapped, she had many health problems.  However, we still had hope she would live a long life, but she passed away suddenly august 20th. We are devastated, but as you are, we are confident she is in Heaven.  We just miss her so!!  She was the center of our lives too. I understand how empty things can be... as we both are sharing this heartwrenching pain.  Are you also familiar with the Compassionate Friends?  They are a support group for bereaved parents.  They also have a facebook page, which is quite active, so you might be able to talk with more people there.  If you ever need to talk more I am here.
 
Sherri Marlene Groves said:

I am a clock watcher today. I look at the clock and think - we were getting released from the hospital; again - this is when we got home; and I know this evening as I look at the clock I will relive the events of going to the ER and the events that took place there. I try not to look at the clock and try not to think of it, but I am drawn to it. When the pain of the loss hits me, I just want to double over in pain in my stomach and my heart. I keep telling myself she is so happy and I wouldn't bring her back for a micro-second, but the physical loss is unimaginable.

Permalink Reply by Amber Jacobs on October 18, 2012 at 1:00pm

It's never easy losing someone you love. It is a huge reflection on your relationship. I have caught my self upset and taking it out on my fiance. He doesn't know how I'm feeling because it was my brother I lost. He tries to understand but doesn't entirely. My parents are the only two who know exactly how the other one is feeling because together they lost their son. It's so important to stick together and know that it wasn't your fault. I have been going into a sad, angry, happy, and confused stages off and on since May. I am apart of a group through Nami and honestly being apart of a group helps. Talking to people who are dealing with the same type of situation helps because your not alone. I lost my 21 year old brother to suicide this past May and not a day goes by I don't miss him. This past week was very hard and I hit rock bottom, I try to stay strong for my son because he doesn't like seeing mommy sad all the time. Stay strong everyone

Permalink Reply by Sherri Marlene Groves on October 18, 2012 at 5:20pm

Sharon, thanks so much for your reply. It has helped me to know the support is there from those who have gone though this. My oldest daughter was taken to the hospital with blood clots yesterday which was 3 wks to the day our Stacey passed away in the same hsp. I stayed up there with her until late at night and went back for the whole day. It was hard going past the ER and I just about hyperventilated but being with Nikki and sharing memories of Stacey helped ease the pain and I didn't watch the clock so much. I will go to the FB page of Compassionate Friends and check in there. Thank you for letting me know you are there if I need more support. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. The pain is one I would not wish on my worst enemy. Blessings to you.

Permalink Reply by JOANN BARNES on October 18, 2012 at 5:58pm

Natasha- Legacy.com post

Almost three years, since Natasha died.  Understanding life, and the loss there of is still and unknown force.

However, for those who are in the throes of grief.  You will reach a time where you will laugh, if only at a memory, cry, knowing that you were blessed with one of God's greatest gift, and you will thank him.  Where you come to terms with one of the facts of living, is that we will die.  And when you ask, why your love one. A glimmer of understanding, will help you to survive, the pain.

Open your soul to experience that this is life.  We have to leave here.  I believe that Natasha is our Angel.  That through God's will, she watches over us.  Helping us to follow the path that our life is destined to take, making us stronger, and accepting.

I didn't want to stay on this earth without her.  I wanted to be with her, protecting her, knowing where she was.  I wanted to die.  I forgot the many blessings that I still had.
  
I know now that this is grief.  If you open your soul and mind, and pray to survive, you will.  You will leave that terrible darkness, the void will disminish, with time, you will survive.

We miss her like crazy.  This is the level of grief that we are experiencing, 
now.  
I read a book during the darkest days, "The Courage To Grieve".  It helped in recognizing some of the levels of grief.  This along with searching for answers in the Bible, provided comfort at different times.  Other times you have to go through it.  What I know is that we all grieve differently.  But you will reach a level, where you can survive the dark period.  I slip, I still experience feelings that can't be described, because they are beyond description.  But, now I know that time passes and you reach a safe haven, where you live, with acceptance, that you were blessed with the gift of have given life to another.  That life made a difference to this earth and to others.  That life made a difference in our life.  That life had a purpose and when the purpose was served, it moved to the next realm.  

If you're confused or asking what was the purpose.  Remember that God works in mysterious ways.  Each day we all make a difference to this planet or it's inhabitants, whether through good deeds or bad ones..  But we make a difference as did our children.  Their purpose was fulfilled.

Our daughter was a kind, loving, intelligent women.  The memories are special and keep us grounded.  We are blessed and so are you.  

It will get better.

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