Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by sunni on January 30, 2010 at 6:10pm

God bless you. I just feel so alone some times, and he really was an angel, he was so funny, my poor daughter was testing for high school entrance today at the local christian high school. Life just goes on for everyone and I am so worried that i am going to be the only one to remember him. I miss him so much, and I am so sorry for your loss but it feels so good to know you have made it 3 years. I know, everyone tells me to pull it together for my daughter, but it is so incredibly hard, I don't believe i can do it most of the time, but knowing others are still functioning gives me hope.

kristi said:

oh my and i thought i had a hard time.i am so sorry for your loss.oh looks like an angel in that picture.you wont be alright if that is what you want to hear.i have been throu this for 3 years and i still cant sleep sometimes.i got a new house like a month ago and my husband went out of town for the first time since we have been in this house.i couldnt sleep all i did was think about my son who was 16 when he passed away.my heart breaks for you.sunni.can i tell you i didnt eat for almost 37 hours and didnt sleep for almost 37 hours after my son passed away.it is hard and dont ever let anybody ever tell you it will get easy,and my husband always says we should have another child and i say no you cant replace everette.but there are support groups out there and the people that are there know what you are going throu.and light a candle and for 5 minutes write in a journal your most loving thoughts about your son and keep that journal and everytime that you want to write in it just do so.and on his birthday or angel day i will say angel day because omeone on here told me to call it an angel day instead of a annivesary day.so i have been because he is an angel watching over us now ok.take a cake and his favorite food out there and enjoy the day with him.i miss my son all the time sorry about that but i never got over him getting shot and not seeing him till the funeral so do what you need to do and we all are here for you ok.if you need to talk we are all here and we are hear to listen and to help you out at the same time.thanks for listening to what i say and i hope you write again soon kristi

sunni said:

My name is Sunni and I have always really been that way, a sunny outlook on life...I married my husband when I was 18 and had a daughter a year later. We waited 7 years before we felt financially and emotionally responsible enough to have another child and our son was born on July 3, 2003. We were so ready, our daughter was a great big sister, our son slept on my husband's chest as a baby and between us as a toddler. He turned 6 years old last summer and we had a great party with a water slide, I was still trying to convince him to start sleeping in his own room, we went bowling on Sundays and on January 10th of this year he passed away of a rare bacterial infection, usually only found in Cystic Fibrosis patients. I miss him so much, it has only been a few days and his cremation is tomorrow. I feel like I can't handle this most of the time. I miss his laugh and how he held my ear for comfort, I cry all the time or I am numb. Everyone keeps asking if I am going to have more kids, it is awful, how can they even ask such a thing? I love my son, he is not expendable or able to be replaced. I miss him. How do you do it? I can't function....I laid on the couch today for 12 hours, I get lost going home from the grocery store. I am an only child, my mother passed away 15 years ago and my father is 80 and lives 5 states away and as father's go he is pretty cold to begin with. I feel isolated and alone in my grief and I just need someone to say something other than it is going to be OK, because it will never be OK again! Christian is gone and although he doesn't need me anymore I need him.

Permalink Reply by sunni on January 30, 2010 at 6:12pm

If you have a brochure that can help, I'll take all the help I can get. Thank you, and thank you for the understanding, I don't think anyone other than someone who has been through this could really know how I feel.

Alicia said:

Sunni,
First of all, my heart is heavy for you and your family. Christian is so adorable. YOu need to know it is okay, more than ok to feel the way you do, you need to grieve. Anger may be another symptom of grief, anger at well meaning friends and family who may say the wrong things. I have a brochure that really has helped me and millions worldwide to deal with passing of loved ones. I would really like to send it to you. It will not take the pain away but maybe just maybe you can get some relief with what you're going through. My prayers are with you and your family! Please keeep in touch. Alicia

sunni said:

My name is Sunni and I have always really been that way, a sunny outlook on life...I married my husband when I was 18 and had a daughter a year later. We waited 7 years before we felt financially and emotionally responsible enough to have another child and our son was born on July 3, 2003. We were so ready, our daughter was a great big sister, our son slept on my husband's chest as a baby and between us as a toddler. He turned 6 years old last summer and we had a great party with a water slide, I was still trying to convince him to start sleeping in his own room, we went bowling on Sundays and on January 10th of this year he passed away of a rare bacterial infection, usually only found in Cystic Fibrosis patients. I miss him so much, it has only been a few days and his cremation is tomorrow. I feel like I can't handle this most of the time. I miss his laugh and how he held my ear for comfort, I cry all the time or I am numb. Everyone keeps asking if I am going to have more kids, it is awful, how can they even ask such a thing? I love my son, he is not expendable or able to be replaced. I miss him. How do you do it? I can't function....I laid on the couch today for 12 hours, I get lost going home from the grocery store. I am an only child, my mother passed away 15 years ago and my father is 80 and lives 5 states away and as father's go he is pretty cold to begin with. I feel isolated and alone in my grief and I just need someone to say something other than it is going to be OK, because it will never be OK again! Christian is gone and although he doesn't need me anymore I need him.

Permalink Reply by sunni on January 30, 2010 at 6:23pm

I do wait for the day I will see him again, but how can I be patient and be a good mother, and pay bills, and drive, and just continue my existence? It is not that I don't want to do these things, it just seems impossible....He was beautiful. I saw him again before his cremation and his eye lashes were still so long, and he looked like he was sleeping, (his eye lashes were over an inch long in the center, I know it is crazy but people would stop us in the grocery store about his eye lashes, even in the ER when they were introducing tubes to protect his airway the nurse at the head of the bed was commenting on them) I wanted to pick him up and run out of there before the cremation but my husband stopped me, thank god, I have no idea what would have happened if I tried but it would have surely been a disaster. I still feel so crazy, how do I go back to work? How do I support the family I still have? I have to get myself together but it feels impossible.

Gerry Fiden said:

Sunni,
Your baby boy was beautiful, I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words of comfort that can make you feel whole again or take away your pain. I wish there were. I know you will keep Christian with you in your heart, as all of us here are doing with our children, until you can hold him in your arms again.
God be with you,
Gerry

sunni said:

My name is Sunni and I have always really been that way, a sunny outlook on life...I married my husband when I was 18 and had a daughter a year later. We waited 7 years before we felt financially and emotionally responsible enough to have another child and our son was born on July 3, 2003. We were so ready, our daughter was a great big sister, our son slept on my husband's chest as a baby and between us as a toddler. He turned 6 years old last summer and we had a great party with a water slide, I was still trying to convince him to start sleeping in his own room, we went bowling on Sundays and on January 10th of this year he passed away of a rare bacterial infection, usually only found in Cystic Fibrosis patients. I miss him so much, it has only been a few days and his cremation is tomorrow. I feel like I can't handle this most of the time. I miss his laugh and how he held my ear for comfort, I cry all the time or I am numb. Everyone keeps asking if I am going to have more kids, it is awful, how can they even ask such a thing? I love my son, he is not expendable or able to be replaced. I miss him. How do you do it? I can't function....I laid on the couch today for 12 hours, I get lost going home from the grocery store. I am an only child, my mother passed away 15 years ago and my father is 80 and lives 5 states away and as father's go he is pretty cold to begin with. I feel isolated and alone in my grief and I just need someone to say something other than it is going to be OK, because it will never be OK again! Christian is gone and although he doesn't need me anymore I need him.

Permalink Reply by Judy on February 2, 2010 at 8:35am

Dear Sunni,
I am so deeply sorry about Christian's death and the heartache you are now feeling. Losing a child is the hardest thing a mother will ever go through. My amazing son died 13 months ago, and I can feel the intensity of the grief of those first days as if it was yesterday. Everything you're feeling is normal; not wanting to get up, getting lost going to familiar places, and having different feelings than your spouse. All you want is your son back and there are no answers for why it happened that make any sense. Know that there are many who, sadly, have walked this same path and are here to share their experience and be there for you. God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Heather on February 4, 2010 at 1:59am

I lost my only son on 2/12/09 so the year annv. is almost here and it still takes my breath away..my tears flow like Nigra Falls..& I have cried enough tears 2 fill my own river...It still feels like the first night when the FHP came knocking on my door...They said R U Miss..Heather I said Yes...they said is your son Zachari Sipes I said yes where is he what did he do...now he has NEVER EVER been in trouble with the Law EVER...I heard the FHP man say..I'm Sor...That was it I new...I ran 2 the bathroom & was sick...That was it 4 me...My world Ended that Night..I was a Different person..U will Never B the Same..How Can U...In the tragic car accident that took My Only Sons life we also lost his girlfriend & another friend of thiers & one friend who was in the front seat survievd with a few bumps and scratches...amazing..huh...Your life changes in a snap...U R Never the same..U R Lost~ Broken~Empty~& now who R U...cause 4 over 1/2 my life I was Zack's Momma..Now I look in the mirrior & C Nothing...& I'm Not alone...sad 2 say I started going 2 a group & it is ladies who have lost their children...& They say the same things I do so I know I'm Not Crazy....My son went 2 three of their services..& went 2 school with them...How strange is that...So I new of these parents but did not know them...had meet one before causenin school our boys played baseball together...so now i'm in a group with Moms of kids my son went 2 school with that I never wanted 2 belong 2 cause all R kids R gone...The Pain NEVER EVER GOES AWAY U JUST GET USED 2 LIVING WITH IT>>>

Permalink Reply by Sue on February 4, 2010 at 9:10am

Dear Heather and Sunni,
My only son Josh I also lost almost 18 mos. ago and the feelings of loss do not stop. I work, try to do things, but everything is so different. He was truly my best friend, we "got" each other. We had such a bond, maybe it's moms and sons, but it was truly unique and special. I never loved anyone the way I loved him. I try to see signs of him being around me, but I don't see anything but black darkness. I have few words of comfort to you, but looking at his pictures helps me cry and smile at the same time!
I miss him so.
Sue

Permalink Reply by daphne holtz on February 5, 2010 at 4:46pm

dearest heather;
My name is daphne and i lost my son Jared and his friend alex in a car accident aug 4, 2009 and the driver survived. I know all of what you are saying and to all the mothers that have lost their children: i say, that we are strong in our weakness and in our own strength we are weak i don't know if this makes sense to you but it will as we go through this journey, that makes us want to never get out of bed, that finds us some days on the floor, that brings tears like a monster when we are at the grocery store and takes our days and turns them into night, and causes some of your friends and family members to shut down on us because they don't know what to say or how to comfort us, when we go there (the dark hole that is now in our hearts), I can say today because i am weak i will be made strong in this journey, and tomorrow only God knows. Hold on to the joy that is and was and will be forever more your child. Miss them smell their clothes, get angry, look at the pictures, remember the fights you had, talk to them, yell at them if you must, have a pitty party, have a drink just don't get stuck in that, do what you need to do for you! be a little selfish. Go crazy and come back and do it all over again until you can smile at the sun once more. I am so sorry that our children have gone on before us, but know that it is not the end and yes we will see them again, but for now go through and know that you are loved and there is concern and we all know how we feel and there is nothing crazy about it. We will have to redefine ourselves, but it will take some time. I have been use to being Jared's mom and i will forever be Jared's mom, and that makes me proud.



Heather said:

I lost my only son on 2/12/09 so the year annv. is almost here and it still takes my breath away..my tears flow like Nigra Falls..& I have cried enough tears 2 fill my own river...It still feels like the first night when the FHP came knocking on my door...They said R U Miss..Heather I said Yes...they said is your son Zachari Sipes I said yes where is he what did he do...now he has NEVER EVER been in trouble with the Law EVER...I heard the FHP man say..I'm Sor...That was it I new...I ran 2 the bathroom & was sick...That was it 4 me...My world Ended that Night..I was a Different person..U will Never B the Same..How Can U...In the tragic car accident that took My Only Sons life we also lost his girlfriend & another friend of thiers & one friend who was in the front seat survievd with a few bumps and scratches...amazing..huh...Your life changes in a snap...U R Never the same..U R Lost~ Broken~Empty~& now who R U...cause 4 over 1/2 my life I was Zack's Momma..Now I look in the mirrior & C Nothing...& I'm Not alone...sad 2 say I started going 2 a group & it is ladies who have lost their children...& They say the same things I do so I know I'm Not Crazy....My son went 2 three of their services..& went 2 school with them...How strange is that...So I new of these parents but did not know them...had meet one before causenin school our boys played baseball together...so now i'm in a group with Moms of kids my son went 2 school with that I never wanted 2 belong 2 cause all R kids R gone...The Pain NEVER EVER GOES AWAY U JUST GET USED 2 LIVING WITH IT>>>

Permalink Reply by Twila on February 11, 2010 at 3:17pm

A Dozen Roses

By Alan Pedersen

If I had a dozen roses, I know just what I’d do

I’d give each one a name that reminded me of you

The first rose I’d call sunshine, because you brighten everyday

The second would be beauty, the kind that never goes away

The third rose would be priceless, like those hugs you gave to me

I’d name the fourth rose silly, oh how funny you could be

Rose five of course is patience, something you have helped me find

The sixth rose would be memories, the gift you left behind

The seventh and the eighth rose would for sure be faith and grace

Nine would be unique because no one can take your place

The tenth rose well that’s easy, I’d simply name it love

Eleven would be angel, I know you’re watching from above

I’d think about that twelfth rose, and I’d really take my time

After all these roses are for you my Valentine

I’m sending them to heaven in every color that I know

So twelve I’ll name forever, that’s how long I’ll love you so

He said it all in this poem he wrote for his daughter. I lost my son 12-12-2008 and the 1 year anniv. has came and passed it was the hardest as is all the special days without my son. Now everyone is getting ready for Valentine's day but not me I miss my son so much the year he left me he came to my office and brought me flowers and a card from a son for a mother and I cried and hug him and thanked him so much.. he was so happy that day and was kinda of sad it mad me cry but I explained those tears are for being so happy that you could get me a card so special for me on Valentine's day it made my day 02-14-2008 was my last Valentines day with my son... I was driving the other day and as I looked around I thought to my self "my son is gone and it has been a whole year I never seen or heard him he is gone and broke down and cried so hard" I still have such a hard time and now it seems no one wants to talk about him my son Siaosi. Why I seens left my job of 11 years and cant seem to get with anything I miss him so much my heart hurts and body. still so much
thank you for listening its been a while seens I have been on this site. I always wonder why? why? I just want to hold him and see him so much.

Permalink Reply by Sue on February 11, 2010 at 4:11pm

Dear Twila,
The anniversary was the second hardest day of my life. It all came back like a monster. I know exactly how you feel.
What a great memory of Valentines Day you have!
I had tears running down my face, thinking of how alike our boys were...Valentines Day and my birthday he never ever forgot, and he was so excited when his birthday fell on Mother's Day!! It was all about me, to him, and I can't stand losing him. He left behind so many friends he loved and treated so well.
I was feeling sorry for myself the other day, and blurted out at work"Why MY son?" and some unkindhearted person said "Why NOT your son?". and went on and on but I didn't hear another word of what she was saying, because I was in too much shock. So now I keep my feelings well hidden at work. It also annoys my boyfriend when I get sad, sometimes I truly feel like I have no where to turn. That's why I write these babbling letters here, to vent.
I hope you know, Twila, and everyone, we are not alone in this horror story, we are all suffering similarly together.
Sue Proud Mom of Josh(died 8/7/08 drowning car accident)

Permalink Reply by Twila on February 11, 2010 at 4:26pm

Sue said:

Dear Twila,
The anniversary was the second hardest day of my life. It all came back like a monster. I know exactly how you feel.
What a great memory of Valentines Day you have!
I had tears running down my face, thinking of how alike our boys were...Valentines Day and my birthday he never ever forgot, and he was so excited when his birthday fell on Mother's Day!! It was all about me, to him, and I can't stand losing him. He left behind so many friends he loved and treated so well.
I was feeling sorry for myself the other day, and blurted out at work"Why MY son?" and some unkindhearted person said "Why NOT your son?". and went on and on but I didn't hear another word of what she was saying, because I was in too much shock. So now I keep my feelings well hidden at work. It also annoys my boyfriend when I get sad, sometimes I truly feel like I have no where to turn. That's why I write these babbling letters here, to vent.
I hope you know, Twila, and everyone, we are not alone in this horror story, we are all suffering similarly together.
Sue Proud Mom of Josh(died 8/7/08 drowning car accident)

Hi Sue,
thank you for sharing that with me also. That women at work does not understand and hope she never will that was so bad to have someone say that to you. I thought if they said that to me I am so defensive right now I think I would have knocked her down...ha sorry to say that. I am sorry your boyfriend doesn't understand the pain we feel everyday as mothers and will never go away. I know now I will always cry for my son and if anyone doesn't like to bad deal with it that is me. my heart just hurts so much I always think how can I do it anylonger without him. You take gentle care of your self and I am here also to listen I think only parents that have lost a child really understand me and the feeling never goes away.
take care
Twila

Permalink Reply by ELOY CONRAD DURAN II on February 13, 2010 at 10:41am

I lost my son Tragically on January 03, 2010...His name is Eloy Conrad Duran III he is 25 years old and has a five year old daughter...Living his life with his daughter was his passion in life...he loved her soo much it consumed his and her life...being a happy, considerate, loving, caring, compassionate person, he was always happy and at peace...giving of himself to anybody who needed help, making friends was a trait he had like no other...enjoying every second of everyday of his life...He was a true Gentleman amongst Gentlemen...

Our overwhelming pain...our sorrow...our anger...our consciousness...our life...has been changed forever, the adage dead man walking has never tuned in so true for me, because they killed me that early morning as well... We know you are in heaven with god son, a much better place than here on earth...I love you son...
My son was murdered by a group of cowards who jumped my son and murdered him...This is the most cowardess senseless, premeditated, horrific, heinous, crime a human being could evoke on another living breathing god fearing human being...The rage in their mortal souls most certainly run rampant...without conviction...this can only lead them into the hellish confines of a very very dark place...without pity. I pray for them because they must know not what god has in store for them...Vengeance Is Mine Sayeth The Lord...
I wrote a poem, not very good but non-the-less...my personal feelings of utter loss and tragedy that may strike a cord of sanity for somebody...So...here it is


For all of the Love, Happiness and Joys in Life, they only seem "Mild", because there is nothing like the love for your "Child".
My son Conrad was taken away by the hands of "Fools", Would it not be fair if they succomed to the very same "Tools".
God said vengance is mine, and thou shalt not "Kill"...we all know your life was priceless...my son, they made you, the "Bill".
I believe in God the Almighty, and know Conrad is with our "Lord"...I pray his killers, god will let the devil "Horde". Though my thoughts and feelings are so "Raw"...god and man...just know, it is the "Law"...
How could you take a man's life with no "disregard", and continue on with your life..trying to act so "hard"...I do pray for all involved...even those who hold the missing "card"...you saw this horrific "crime", and you wont give us any "time", just know, the LORD and the LAW...You Are Just As Guilty, if you do not come forward...of this "HORRIFIC CRIME"...
These people are guilty of the most heinous, horrific, crime Imaginable...what if it was your loved one, be it your son, your daughter, your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, or even you...tortured...murdered...
If You Are A Witness Of This Tragedy...You Must Come Forward With What You Know...
Conrad Duran (Denver, CO)
Contact Me

Permalink Reply by PAM BRYAN on February 15, 2010 at 12:51am

ELOY CONRAD DURAN II said:

I lost my son Tragically on January 03, 2010...His name is Eloy Conrad Duran III he is 25 years old and has a five year old daughter...Living his life with his daughter was his passion in life...he loved her soo much it consumed his and her life...being a happy, considerate, loving, caring, compassionate person, he was always happy and at peace...giving of himself to anybody who needed help, making friends was a trait he had like no other...enjoying every second of everyday of his life...He was a true Gentleman amongst Gentlemen...

Our overwhelming pain...our sorrow...our anger...our consciousness...our life...has been changed forever, the adage dead man walking has never tuned in so true for me, because they killed me that early morning as well... We know you are in heaven with god son, a much better place than here on earth...I love you son...
My son was murdered by a group of cowards who jumped my son and murdered him...This is the most cowardess senseless, premeditated, horrific, heinous, crime a human being could evoke on another living breathing god fearing human being...The rage in their mortal souls most certainly run rampant...without conviction...this can only lead them into the hellish confines of a very very dark place...without pity. I pray for them because they must know not what god has in store for them...Vengeance Is Mine Sayeth The Lord...
I wrote a poem, not very good but non-the-less...my personal feelings of utter loss and tragedy that may strike a cord of sanity for somebody...So...here it is


For all of the Love, Happiness and Joys in Life, they only seem "Mild", because there is nothing like the love for your "Child".
My son Conrad was taken away by the hands of "Fools", Would it not be fair if they succomed to the very same "Tools".
God said vengance is mine, and thou shalt not "Kill"...we all know your life was priceless...my son, they made you, the "Bill".
I believe in God the Almighty, and know Conrad is with our "Lord"...I pray his killers, god will let the devil "Horde". Though my thoughts and feelings are so "Raw"...god and man...just know, it is the "Law"...
How could you take a man's life with no "disregard", and continue on with your life..trying to act so "hard"...I do pray for all involved...even those who hold the missing "card"...you saw this horrific "crime", and you wont give us any "time", just know, the LORD and the LAW...You Are Just As Guilty, if you do not come forward...of this "HORRIFIC CRIME"...
These people are guilty of the most heinous, horrific, crime Imaginable...what if it was your loved one, be it your son, your daughter, your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, or even you...tortured...murdered...
If You Are A Witness Of This Tragedy...You Must Come Forward With What You Know...
Conrad Duran (Denver, CO)
Contact Me

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