Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

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Replies to This Discussion

Thank you Pam for your thoughtfulness. God Bless you.
Oh my gosh Sheryl, are you kidding me? They dropped the charges? I do not know what state you live in, but through the D.A.'s office {they have in every state} a "victim wittness advocate". Call information, they have it. Then you go speak with the advocate. They are on your side. It may be worth trying. At least they will explain what is happening. This is so sad for you, so hard...you are in my prayers. And so is the D.A.'s office. They need some wisdom in this case. Let me know what happens. Blessings to all. .......Leslie

PAM BRYAN said:
YOUR SO TRUE NO ONE NOS HOW MUCH PAIN A MOM GOES THROUGH WHEN THER CHILD LEAVES,BEFORE US ITS THE PAIN NO ONE UNDERSTAND UNLESS THEY GO THROUGH IT , MY HEART AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU,AND I DONT THINK THE PAIN IS NEVER GONE WE JUST EXSIST,EVERY WERE YOU GO AT HOME GOING DOWN THE ROAD THERE IS ALWAYS THAT MISSING BABY OF OURS. MY SONS NAME IS JUSTIN AND MISSED SO MUCH, I HAVE OK DAYS AND TERRIBLE DAYS LIKE TODAY. IF I JUST GET THAT BEAR HUG AND THAT SMILE ARE ONE OF HIS STORY AND HE WAS SO GOOD TELLING THEM AND THE LAUGH NO ONE WOULD EVER HAVE LIKE IT, HE WAS 32 WHEN HE WENT TO HEAVEN AND I ALWYS THOUGHT I WOULD GO BEFORE MY CHILDREN,BUT IT DIDNT HAPPEN. JUST NO THERE IS SOMEONE WHO CARES. JUSTINS MOM PAM
Hi everyone, I just signed up and am Trying to learn how to use this site. My son was killed instantly 16yrs. ago when he was 14yrs. old. I hope I don't discourage anyone because in some ways I'm still dealing with it, but here's my story. Maybe the time lapse will make better since after I explain.
Matt died on June 14th. 1994. He was profoundly deaf. He took a short-cut home on his bike, via the train track. The train came around a bend at, too quick a rate, to stop in time. He never heard it coming.
Just writing how it happened still makes my heart ache. I don't think I gave myself ample time to grieve. It was just too painful. I had lost my husband of 10 yrs. to a sudden death only 18months earlier, A couple of yrs. before that, my dad (whom I was very close to) was robbed and stabbed to death and 2 years before that my brother committed suicide at age 19.

I remarried a few months before my son died and gained 3 more children in the process. MY new husband was in the navy and we were in the process preparing to move across country when Matt died. I didn't know where to turn, I was a basket case. Sharing my losses seemed too painful for others to handle. So I stopped trying. I was still grieving the loss of the others, especially my husband.
I could see the look of horror on people's faces when I shared how Matt died, so...being a christian I would try to make "them" feel better while I just stopped talking about it. It seemed to make it easier.
Now I am going back to school to become an American sign language interpreter.
I knew some signs when my child was alive but I never got much past just knowing how to communicate "the basics." I see deaf people everyday at school and grieve, not having the opportunity to speak with my child more fluently. Matt was totally dependent on signs to communicate. I had 6 other small children, and never made time when he was alive to further my understanding of his language. I miss what should have been. I miss him. He was so funny and full of life! I've finally healed from my other loses but wonder If I ever will from this one.
Celeste said:
My name is Celeste, I am a mother of three Melaney, Ryan and Katie. It will be 10 years o April 23, 2010 that I lost my son Ryan 15, to a horrific house fire that also claimed the life of his Grandpa. I am knew to this site and wished I had found it long ago. As I found myself very alone at times. My grief could not be shared by me because I was trying to spare others, Ryans sisters (my daughters), Ryans friends, my friends, my husband, even my wx-husband who was Ryans Dad. I felt the need to make other people feel better and some how lost the ability to grief for myself as Ryans mother. I had lost my son and now had to think of how I could help everyone else get through their suffering. Some how I have made it through these years, some of which are a blurr, however I am healing now, and my family is healing. I did lose the husband through divorce, but yet I refuse to allow that husband to some how blame the death of my son for the end of the marraige. This was an only and excuse for him, something or someone to blame. This journey, the one that no one ever wants to go that is the journey of grief of losing a child, has led me to be a better human being, one at peace with herself as a mother , a woman and a friend. They use to call my son the "Gentle Giant" at 15 he was 6.5 and weighed 250, sorry New England Patriots, he would had made great team mate. Many people thought that Ryan knew something about life that many do not know, he was so kind to everyone, maybe this was his legacy like his sister said so eloquently in her eulogy to her brother Ryan, she was 18 at the time, and she stood in front of thousands of mourners and told her brothers story, Our Gentle Giant. I love you my son , we miss you every day, but do not worry we ar e happy , healthy and we have 3 new additions to our family, Alana, Desiree, and our big little boy Neko Ryan. oh you must be such a proud uncle up there where you are!
Hi Celeste. My name is Rhonda. I just joined this site today. I was encouraged by you story. You See it has been 16 yrs. since I lost my oldest son, Matt, in a train accident. Matt was taking a short cut home over the tracks. Matt was deaf. He never heard the train coming. The train tried stopping but didn't have enough time. It was coming around a bend and didn't see him in time.
I too just stopped talking about it. People were so shaken by how he died, that I found myself trying to make them feel better. I lost my husband to sudden death 18months before my son, and I lost my father and my brother about the same time...both in separate accidents. I was still grieving all these losses, when Matt died. It was the final blow. Neither I nor the people around me seemed to know what to do.I feel I didn't give myself the time I needed to heal from my son's loss. I feel I've been able to "let go" of the other loses, but the loss of my son seems to stay with me. I've learned to cope but I still grieve for what "should have been."
Rose said:
Thank you Kristi for your wisdom. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, I can't imagine what you have been through.... I am going to do some of the things you recommend. I especially like the idea about talking to his picture, lighting a candle and a journal. I know I am still angry at him...I know it's part of the grief process. When I go to his grave site, I yell at him and cry...it makes me feel better. I'm not angry at what he did, he wasn't well, I am angry on how he left us behind suffering his loss. Anyway, today I started making more plans for my trip and I talked to my son which made me feel better. I am getting excited and I know I'll feel better when I see him. I do things with my sister; take little trips all the time, tell her if she needs me call me. She does do that and we are always doing something together. Yes she is married, but her husband isn't dealing with the grief like her, so she finds healthy outlets which is good. Thank you again for your support. I plan on going on this website and reading more postings and articles. I'll stay in touch. Rose
Rhonda Klinedinst said:
Celeste said:
My name is Celeste, I am a mother of three Melaney, Ryan and Katie. It will be 10 years o April 23, 2010 that I lost my son Ryan 15, to a horrific house fire that also claimed the life of his Grandpa. I am knew to this site and wished I had found it long ago. As I found myself very alone at times. My grief could not be shared by me because I was trying to spare others, Ryans sisters (my daughters), Ryans friends, my friends, my husband, even my wx-husband who was Ryans Dad. I felt the need to make other people feel better and some how lost the ability to grief for myself as Ryans mother. I had lost my son and now had to think of how I could help everyone else get through their suffering. Some how I have made it through these years, some of which are a blurr, however I am healing now, and my family is healing. I did lose the husband through divorce, but yet I refuse to allow that husband to some how blame the death of my son for the end of the marraige. This was an only and excuse for him, something or someone to blame. This journey, the one that no one ever wants to go that is the journey of grief of losing a child, has led me to be a better human being, one at peace with herself as a mother , a woman and a friend. They use to call my son the "Gentle Giant" at 15 he was 6.5 and weighed 250, sorry New England Patriots, he would had made great team mate. Many people thought that Ryan knew something about life that many do not know, he was so kind to everyone, maybe this was his legacy like his sister said so eloquently in her eulogy to her brother Ryan, she was 18 at the time, and she stood in front of thousands of mourners and told her brothers story, Our Gentle Giant. I love you my son , we miss you every day, but do not worry we ar e happy , healthy and we have 3 new additions to our family, Alana, Desiree, and our big little boy Neko Ryan. oh you must be such a proud uncle up there where you are!

Celste,

God bless you...I lost my precious daughter (Shawna) Sept. 6, 2009 from swine flu. Shawna was a daughter,sister,wife and mother to two little boys-Tyler (10) & Riley (5). My heart is broken and so am I but I am working hard at healing and helping my family heal...I found a great book that has helped me called: "Never Say Goodbye", by Patrick Mathews along with a grief support group at my Church. I do not know why God took my beautiful daughter at only 33 years of age but she must have been really important to him to call her home at such a young age. I hope all of us can look to the skies one day and just feel at peace....
Donna
your welcome.

i went to a support group and they help or if you need any body to talk to i am here.yeah when my sons birthday is i go out and take a plate of food and a piece of cake his favorite food and cake i should say and sing happy birthday and stuff to him.i feel so angry yet about the situation but i just deal with it.because it will be 4 years this oct.well take care and i am glad it helped you and write any time.kristiDonna Asman said:
Rose said:
Thank you Kristi for your wisdom. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, I can't imagine what you have been through.... I am going to do some of the things you recommend. I especially like the idea about talking to his picture, lighting a candle and a journal. I know I am still angry at him...I know it's part of the grief process. When I go to his grave site, I yell at him and cry...it makes me feel better. I'm not angry at what he did, he wasn't well, I am angry on how he left us behind suffering his loss. Anyway, today I started making more plans for my trip and I talked to my son which made me feel better. I am getting excited and I know I'll feel better when I see him. I do things with my sister; take little trips all the time, tell her if she needs me call me. She does do that and we are always doing something together. Yes she is married, but her husband isn't dealing with the grief like her, so she finds healthy outlets which is good. Thank you again for your support. I plan on going on this website and reading more postings and articles. I'll stay in touch. Rose
Hey ladies, how is everyone doing? It's rough for me now. some days I'm up and some days I'm down. I want to just be angry and revengful. I miss my son so much. I still can not believe that I am the mother of a murdered child. I hate that. It seems to be my identy now. Not that anyone says it to me, that's just who I am now. My oldest son 29 years old and full of life was shot down like a dog. I can't even cry anymore, I just don't know what I'm going to do at this trial. what if they let him go? What if they find him not guilty? What if that happens, what am I suppose to do with that? I am trying not to be afraid of the outcome but I am not to crazy about our justice system. I just don't know what to feel anymore. help

kristi said:
your welcome.

i went to a support group and they help or if you need any body to talk to i am here.yeah when my sons birthday is i go out and take a plate of food and a piece of cake his favorite food and cake i should say and sing happy birthday and stuff to him.i feel so angry yet about the situation but i just deal with it.because it will be 4 years this oct.well take care and i am glad it helped you and write any time.kristiDonna Asman said:
Rose said:
Thank you Kristi for your wisdom. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, I can't imagine what you have been through.... I am going to do some of the things you recommend. I especially like the idea about talking to his picture, lighting a candle and a journal. I know I am still angry at him...I know it's part of the grief process. When I go to his grave site, I yell at him and cry...it makes me feel better. I'm not angry at what he did, he wasn't well, I am angry on how he left us behind suffering his loss. Anyway, today I started making more plans for my trip and I talked to my son which made me feel better. I am getting excited and I know I'll feel better when I see him. I do things with my sister; take little trips all the time, tell her if she needs me call me. She does do that and we are always doing something together. Yes she is married, but her husband isn't dealing with the grief like her, so she finds healthy outlets which is good. Thank you again for your support. I plan on going on this website and reading more postings and articles. I'll stay in touch. Rose
sheryl,ok i have been throu the court system for my sons murder,i go throu ups and downs today was one of them.ok on valentines day 3 years ago was the court day i dont believe in valentines day anymore.ok i sat throu the court listening to all of his family saying dont take josh away from his mom and the place he would of went was only 3 months and they said dont send him away for 3 years.and everything.and he got up on the stand i heard what he was saying and his mom got up there and was saying stuff about my son everette.how they were best friends and everything what they did together and stuff and i started to really cry in the court room i had to get out of there.they stopped the court for 10 minutes it was hard for both us.i ran out of the court room.and than they stopped it.it is hard and i am not saying it will be easy because i have been throu it.are court system stinks bad up here in itasca county.he was 15 and my son was 16.he got probation till he was 19 he turned that in dec of last year.200 of community service and 2,950 restitution.when i see this kid i want to just yell so loud at him.he can get drunk and punch walls and everything he broke his hand last week.his mom feels so bad for us.but what life am i living right now with out my son.i have a 14 year old today is his birthday when he turns 16 what am i going to do because my son just turned 16 a month before he passed away and till this day i still have a grudge against him for taking my son away.my coworkers told me to talk to god and i said he is not going to take the pain away.when i see this kid being able to walk the streets.what i am trying to say is that it wont be easy have someone there with you ok?you will need them there.me and my husband were the only ones at the court room for my side and he had a whole bunch of family.when my son died i asked why to the mom and she told her sister and her sister yelled at me for asking that when we were waiting to go into the court room.;and i never got my answer.so dont exspect in answer.i even say that my door is always open and they never came over or anything just his mom.you know after this is all over if you have a support group in your area please go to one they know what you are going throu.and they will cry and share stories and everything with you.i need to go back to one because i havent been to one for a while.sorry for saying this but it is all true ok>?but cry if you have to yell do something.when is the court date set for?please keep us up to date when you are throu with the terrrible ordile you will go throu please.thanks keep in touch kristi

Sheryl Hysaw said:
Hey ladies, how is everyone doing? It's rough for me now. some days I'm up and some days I'm down. I want to just be angry and revengful. I miss my son so much. I still can not believe that I am the mother of a murdered child. I hate that. It seems to be my identy now. Not that anyone says it to me, that's just who I am now. My oldest son 29 years old and full of life was shot down like a dog. I can't even cry anymore, I just don't know what I'm going to do at this trial. what if they let him go? What if they find him not guilty? What if that happens, what am I suppose to do with that? I am trying not to be afraid of the outcome but I am not to crazy about our justice system. I just don't know what to feel anymore. help

kristi said:
your welcome.

i went to a support group and they help or if you need any body to talk to i am here.yeah when my sons birthday is i go out and take a plate of food and a piece of cake his favorite food and cake i should say
Dear Rhonda...

My name is Leslie, and I am grieving with you. Yours is another tragedy so deeply heartfelt. You had four great losses in such a short time, ending with your son. I am very glad you wrote. But I see you much differently then I think you view yourself.
My son Jordan will be gone three years on April 29, 2010. That will be what I call, "his Happy Angel Day". He was 23 years old, 6'4" tall light brown hair and green eyes. I miss him so much e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y. So much he couldve been; so much I couldve done better. This, I will always wonder...being a mom.
I know it takes time to heal...I have nothing but time to think about it. But I always wonder what they mean by heal... I will never GET OVER Jordan passing away; but I will get THROUGH it. I {have to} believe that our time was set from the begining. And that God did not "take" him... but HE did recieve him.
And so many times people say things like..."there is a reason", or something like that{which only lets me know just how ignorant they really are}. But I do believe we learn something from our experiences. Even if our knowledge is only to help those like us, who suffer the same heart breaks.
You are in no way discouraging to me. You kept you family going, even at your own expense. I think we all do this, in one way or another. Cause we deal with this issue all by ourselves. At least I did, until I found this site. I wished I'd of found it sooner.
But because of your loss and why, you are learning to help others with the same hadicap. And that is like a tribute to your son. We all feel sad about our loss, and that will never go away. We will always miss them. You will too. That's okay. Just think of all the "new" moms, w/ deaf children that you can enlighten and possibly end up helping them to save another life.
I am here if you need to talk, and I am praying for you and greiving with you.
...................Leslie




Rhonda Klinedinst said:
Hi everyone, I just signed up and am Trying to learn how to use this site. My son was killed instantly 16yrs. ago when he was 14yrs. old. I hope I don't discourage anyone because in some ways I'm still dealing with it, but here's my story. Maybe the time lapse will make better since after I explain.
Matt died on June 14th. 1994. He was profoundly deaf. He took a short-cut home on his bike, via the train track. The train came around a bend at, too quick a rate, to stop in time. He never heard it coming.
Just writing how it happened still makes my heart ache. I don't think I gave myself ample time to grieve. It was just too painful. I had lost my husband of 10 yrs. to a sudden death only 18months earlier, A couple of yrs. before that, my dad (whom I was very close to) was robbed and stabbed to death and 2 years before that my brother committed suicide at age 19.

I remarried a few months before my son died and gained 3 more children in the process. MY new husband was in the navy and we were in the process preparing to move across country when Matt died. I didn't know where to turn, I was a basket case. Sharing my losses seemed too painful for others to handle. So I stopped trying. I was still grieving the loss of the others, especially my husband.
I could see the look of horror on people's faces when I shared how Matt died, so...being a christian I would try to make "them" feel better while I just stopped talking about it. It seemed to make it easier.
Now I am going back to school to become an American sign language interpreter.
I knew some signs when my child was alive but I never got much past just knowing how to communicate "the basics." I see deaf people everyday at school and grieve, not having the opportunity to speak with my child more fluently. Matt was totally dependent on signs to communicate. I had 6 other small children, and never made time when he was alive to further my understanding of his language. I miss what should have been. I miss him. He was so funny and full of life! I've finally healed from my other loses but wonder If I ever will from this one.
Lisa:
First I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, I know your pain is very great right now because it has not yet been a year. It has been four years since I lost my 18 year old Ryan in a skateboarding accident so maybe I have something to offer. I found the first year I was really in shock. I thought I was aware but looking back I was not. I too wanted to just die. I prayed for a heart attack or some quick way to get out of this life. Although there were days I considered taking my life, I could seiously consider it for I see the pain death leaves and I could not do this. Like you I just wanted to be with my son. I wanted to go there. And some days I still do. I want peace. Last year on my son's birth date I felt I couldn't go on any longer and suicide entered my mind. And just as quickly I heard my son's voice saying, "Don't you dare, mom. Don't you dare. If you do this you will NEVER get to see me again." And that made a difference. If I see the pain now, do I want an eternity of pain knowing I caused it so that I couldn't see my son in the after-life? In a couple of days Ryan's 23rd birthday will be here and I'm pretty depressed about facing a 4th birthhday of his without him. Last night I felt so hopeless once again. All I could do was ask the Lord for strength. But don't you know I looked to the heavens and begged the Lord to just let me die quickly because I can't stand much more of this. And in the same breath I knew that I have no control. God does. I may not know why I remain and my son does not but HE knows.

There are harder days ahead for you but there are also days when you find it is manageable to go on. I'd have to say it was just a few months ago that I have begun to feel this way. Stay with this site. It really does help to ask these quetions and to know there are others who understand you. God bless.

Twila said:
lisa said:
I lost my son michael this last march.3-7-09 I am so lost. My heart gos out to all of you. How do you get past wanting to just die? I just want to go find him and be with him! Michael is 26 and my very best friend and I can not breath without him!I cry all the time someone please tell me how to go on without him. HELP.
Hi Lisa,
I know how you feel my son died 12-12-2008 he was hit by a truck walking home.
he was 18 and going to graduate in the Spring of 2009. And it is so hard without him, he did leave me a granddaughter and she is every bit like him. But I want my son it has been almost 8 months now and I think of him everyday and my heart is not the same nor will it ever be. My family is falling apart my husband and I go are own ways and my daughters I can even be there for them he was my only son I have 3 daughters. I cant even be a mother to them they are all women but I should still be there. It is so hard without him I have a message on my cell phone I keep and listen to all the time just to hear his voice in he keeps saying Mom Mama Mom over and over again and them he laughs..Oh how I miss his jokes he would play on me..but I love to talk about him and remembering him makes me smile to think of what he would be doing. miss him so much my heart hurts so much...but I am here for you also and take gentle care of you
remember I care and I understand how you feel I feel it to.
Twila
Thank you for that. I don't know, I am just to angry sometimes. sometimes I don't care what would happen to me as long as he pays for what he did. Derrick is gone and he is not coming back. I won't wake up and find that this is a bad dream. I have the freakin death certificate and it says murder by gunshot wound to the chest. How can a person get passed this kind of pain?

kristi said:
sheryl,ok i have been throu the court system for my sons murder,i go throu ups and downs today was one of them.ok on valentines day 3 years ago was the court day i dont believe in valentines day anymore.ok i sat throu the court listening to all of his family saying dont take josh away from his mom and the place he would of went was only 3 months and they said dont send him away for 3 years.and everything.and he got up on the stand i heard what he was saying and his mom got up there and was saying stuff about my son everette.how they were best friends and everything what they did together and stuff and i started to really cry in the court room i had to get out of there.they stopped the court for 10 minutes it was hard for both us.i ran out of the court room.and than they stopped it.it is hard and i am not saying it will be easy because i have been throu it.are court system stinks bad up here in itasca county.he was 15 and my son was 16.he got probation till he was 19 he turned that in dec of last year.200 of community service and 2,950 restitution.when i see this kid i want to just yell so loud at him.he can get drunk and punch walls and everything he broke his hand last week.his mom feels so bad for us.but what life am i living right now with out my son.i have a 14 year old today is his birthday when he turns 16 what am i going to do because my son just turned 16 a month before he passed away and till this day i still have a grudge against him for taking my son away.my coworkers told me to talk to god and i said he is not going to take the pain away.when i see this kid being able to walk the streets.what i am trying to say is that it wont be easy have someone there with you ok?you will need them there.me and my husband were the only ones at the court room for my side and he had a whole bunch of family.when my son died i asked why to the mom and she told her sister and her sister yelled at me for asking that when we were waiting to go into the court room.;and i never got my answer.so dont exspect in answer.i even say that my door is always open and they never came over or anything just his mom.you know after this is all over if you have a support group in your area please go to one they know what you are going throu.and they will cry and share stories and everything with you.i need to go back to one because i havent been to one for a while.sorry for saying this but it is all true ok>?but cry if you have to yell do something.when is the court date set for?please keep us up to date when you are throu with the terrrible ordile you will go throu please.thanks keep in touch kristi

Sheryl Hysaw said:
Hey ladies, how is everyone doing? It's rough for me now. some days I'm up and some days I'm down. I want to just be angry and revengful. I miss my son so much. I still can not believe that I am the mother of a murdered child. I hate that. It seems to be my identy now. Not that anyone says it to me, that's just who I am now. My oldest son 29 years old and full of life was shot down like a dog. I can't even cry anymore, I just don't know what I'm going to do at this trial. what if they let him go? What if they find him not guilty? What if that happens, what am I suppose to do with that? I am trying not to be afraid of the outcome but I am not to crazy about our justice system. I just don't know what to feel anymore. help

kristi said:
your welcome.

i went to a support group and they help or if you need any body to talk to i am here.yeah when my sons birthday is i go out and take a plate of food and a piece of cake his favorite food and cake i should say

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