The loss of a child

Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

• When a Baby Dies

• When an Infant Dies

• When a Teenager Dies

• Youth Suicide: How You Can Help the Survivors

• What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable

• Loss of Our Assumptive World

• The Grief of Grandparents

• Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

• After a Tragedy: What Kids Can Do

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Permalink Reply by amaryllis on May 8, 2010 at 2:47pm

Hi Gerry, i am reading the wise words you wrote to Bobby - to whom i wish the Peace of God may fill his heart what will be good for those close to him and for the departed soul of his son.
Gerry, like you the death of my son, one year ago, changed me forever and i see it is leading me to a path that is different than the one i was before as i see so clearly how much his death is having a positive influence on me. with tears and desperation i had been searching for answers - what's is life, what's death? i see how through Faith and by Grace i started feeling better since i am coping with everything in a different way. it is true that in the middle of a tragedy we transcend and something good may follow an unwanted happening. i am been able now to keep my vibration high inspite of the pain of my heart, inspite of all the longing for him. i noticed already how i changed the atmosphere around me just for doing so. God is Love and Love we must be, too.
As i write i look at the beautiful fresh pink rose bud i put in a vase by the picture of my mother.
To you, Gerry, Blessings and hugs.

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on May 8, 2010 at 4:16pm

Amaryllis,

Wise...me. Not to sure about that. I am just a grievimg mother,first,and a woman second, who is learning more each and every day. I only hope God gives me the strength and courage to apply these life lessons. I struggle with every breath I take,to understand what heppened to my son,and how it has affected me and his family. Just wish non of us were here on this site.
Smile a smile for your child tomorrow, it will be your gift to him/her
God be with you, and thankyou for making me feel a little better today,
Love,
Gerry

amaryllis said:

Hi Gerry, i am reading the wise words you wrote to Bobby - to whom i wish the Peace of God may fill his heart what will be good for those close to him and for the departed soul of his son.
Gerry, like you the death of my son, one year ago, changed me forever and i see it is leading me to a path that is different than the one i was before as i see so clearly how much his death is having a positive influence on me. with tears and desperation i had been searching for answers - what's is life, what's death? i see how through Faith and by Grace i started feeling better since i am coping with everything in a different way. it is true that in the middle of a tragedy we transcend and something good may follow an unwanted happening. i am been able now to keep my vibration high inspite of the pain of my heart, inspite of all the longing for him. i noticed already how i changed the atmosphere around me just for doing so. God is Love and Love we must be, too.
As i write i look at the beautiful fresh pink rose bud i put in a vase by the picture of my mother.
To you, Gerry, Blessings and hugs.

Permalink Reply by susan glover on May 8, 2010 at 9:28pm

I lost my son January 15,2008 to a drug overdose. He was only 21, a life so shortly lived. It has been the hardest thing i have ever had to go through and ever will go through. The pain is unbearable, the tears never stop, and every day seems to be harder than the day before. Tomorrow is Mothers Day, another day i will have to deal with, without Brent. Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers day are all the hardest. I wonder if i will ever get any better? Every one tells me time will help but it only seems to get worse. To any parent out there that has a son cherish every minute with him because when there gone all you have is the memories.

Permalink Reply by Betty on May 9, 2010 at 10:09pm

Today was the first Mother's Day I have had to endure since I lost my son, David. He was my first child. I have cried all day and wanted to tell people that said Happy Mother's Day to me to please shut up. There was nothing happy about it. I love my daughter with all my heart and don't want to ever face with her what I have endured losing my son. My life as human would be over if something happened to her too. My family has called me all day telling me they are thinking about me and I can hear it in their voices that they are relieved it's not their child who is gone. I'm glad it's not their babies too. I just want my son back and that will never happen.

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on May 10, 2010 at 12:20pm

Dear Janet...
First of all, let me tell you you are in my prayers. Sometimes we need others to help us, when we don't quite have the faith ourselves. Your son sounds like a great young man. My heart breaks for you...whats left of it. My son Jordan was only twenty-three years old. My world also changed in 2007...April 29th. We just had a memoriel for him on his "Angel Day". Three years, like you, with out the hugs...the smiles...the laughter. I truely understand what you are going through, as only a parent could; but us "moms"...we knew them before they were born. And I think we hurt so much differently.
I know someday I will be okay; I am not okay now, but I am working on it. The reason I know I will be, is because I wouldn't want Jordan to think I ruined my life because of him. I have to be a good is I can get {someday}, so that I can see him again someday. My son "is" a Christian. I know where he is. I don't like it that he had to leave me so early in life. But I believe our time was set from the begining. And most importantly, that God didn't take our sons...He recieved our sons.
I am alone, and raised my children mostly by myself. This site has been the only counsling I have recieved. But it has been a blessing for me. I have been gone for a few months due to computer problems. But I will be here regularly now if you ever need to talk.
Just know I am grieving with you...God Bless You and your family and those on this site. Leslie

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on May 10, 2010 at 1:35pm

Dear Betty...
The first is the worst...mine was just a few days after my son passed. My son Jordan was 23 years old, 6'4" tall, green eyes, and a great big smile. He passed away on April 29th, 2007....so Mothers day and my birthday (May 12th) all with-in days of his furneral. He and his girlfriend were killed in a horrible roll over accident. My son Miloh gave me a card on that Mothers Day which read:
"Dear Mom you've done an excellent job raising us concidering all the heartbreaks, the disapointments , and the set backs.....(on the inside it read); But enough about my brother". And he signed his and Jordan's name.
He was watching me the whole time, cause he didn't know how I was going to take it. We used to laugh alot before...but I started laughing and I hugged him. And I started crying at the same time. I thought it was the greatest card I ever recieved. It was true. The heartbreaks, the disapointments ...they are set backs, but we'll get through. We will never get "over" it; but we will get through it. And Betty..."any" way you grieve, is the right way to grieve. I had people try to tell ME how, when they'd never lost a child. But we're here, and we all understand.
I was still numb then, still felt like I was in someone else's dream or night-mare. This is the hardest thing we will ever do in life. And though we may not have the hugs we need so much, we have each other, here on this site. I will be praying for you and greiveing with you. God Bless You.....Leslie
Write anytime....please

Betty said:

Today was the first Mother's Day I have had to endure since I lost my son, David. He was my first child. I have cried all day and wanted to tell people that said Happy Mother's Day to me to please shut up. There was nothing happy about it. I love my daughter with all my heart and don't want to ever face with her what I have endured losing my son. My life as human would be over if something happened to her too. My family has called me all day telling me they are thinking about me and I can hear it in their voices that they are relieved it's not their child who is gone. I'm glad it's not their babies too. I just want my son back and that will never happen.

Permalink Reply by Pinnie on May 11, 2010 at 6:46pm

My son Kevin, 22 yrs old, died February 2, 2010. He had struggled with drug addiction for many years. He went through rehab at various centers in the Texas, Louisiana area. His last experience was a court directed rehab. For the first time in 6 years I really did believe he wanted something different. He started growing spiritually. He was released from this program January 31st. Within hours of him getting home he was informed that the mother of his child had been running with and allowing a guy to live in their apartment (until her parents found her passed out on the bathroom floor of the apartment and made her move home) . He was also told that they had been selling some of his personal items. Before his release he decided that they should both live apart until they became stronger in their sobriety. The information he got about his fiancees behavior distressed him and the cycle began. He contacted an 2 drug buddies (one an ex girlfriend) and the party began. They all went to a hotel that was within a mile of the heroin dealer. He overdosed. The female woke to a dead Kevin the next morning. Fearful of the whole situation- being involved with drugs and a death, she left. It took me, my son and daughter AND his phone records to finally get to the bottom of the situation. It has been three months and still no legal conclusive cause of death-we are told the tox test can take days to months. His death was a total shock to all the men in his program. They said if anyone was going to make it througn the maze of addiction into the light of sobriety, it would be him. Notwithstanding, I have already felt the sting of Easter without him (he was born on Easter Sunday), his birthday, which was April 19th, and now Mother's Day. I am at a stand still. Life goes on but I feel dead.

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on May 12, 2010 at 12:59am

Dear Pinnie...
I can feel your heart breaking...I am right here with you. I think it was almost 3 months before I recieved all the final paperwork from the ME. It was the worst feeling waiting, and wondering with worry. And as heatbreaking as it was , I was relieved to find out the results of all the tox. reports. My son Jordan was the driver of a horrible roll over accident. He and his girl friend were killed, one survived, but lost an eye. My son was twenty-three...so young, like yours.
They (Medical Examiner's office) told me as I called and called and called...that the reason it took so long is because of a "fatality" there can be no mistakes. That they have to get it right the first time. So I would try to be patient with them...though I don't believe I was. I live in California, and it took that long here. I'm not sure where you live, but just know they are trying to get it right.
I am praying for you...your wounds are so new. It hurts me to even imagine being back in the begining where you are now. It has been three years for me. How I have made it to this point only God knows. I was so numb at first, cause I knew this wasn't happening to me. I walked around in a fog it seems. And slowly as the numbness goes away, it turned into a deep hole that I thought would swallow me up. But it didn't...you will be okay too. I am not okay yet...so take your time. I am still working on it too. This site has helped me so much...I am here if you need to talk. I am praying for you... and grieving with you. God Bless you and your family..... Leslie

Pinnie said:

My son Kevin, 22 yrs old, died February 2, 2010. He had struggled with drug addiction for many years. He went through rehab at various centers in the Texas, Louisiana area. His last experience was a court directed rehab. For the first time in 6 years I really did believe he wanted something different. He started growing spiritually. He was released from this program January 31st. Within hours of him getting home he was informed that the mother of his child had been running with and allowing a guy to live in their apartment (until her parents found her passed out on the bathroom floor of the apartment and made her move home) . He was also told that they had been selling some of his personal items. Before his release he decided that they should both live apart until they became stronger in their sobriety. The information he got about his fiancees behavior distressed him and the cycle began. He contacted an 2 drug buddies (one an ex girlfriend) and the party began. They all went to a hotel that was within a mile of the heroin dealer. He overdosed. The female woke to a dead Kevin the next morning. Fearful of the whole situation- being involved with drugs and a death, she left. It took me, my son and daughter AND his phone records to finally get to the bottom of the situation. It has been three months and still no legal conclusive cause of death-we are told the tox test can take days to months. His death was a total shock to all the men in his program. They said if anyone was going to make it througn the maze of addiction into the light of sobriety, it would be him. Notwithstanding, I have already felt the sting of Easter without him (he was born on Easter Sunday), his birthday, which was April 19th, and now Mother's Day. I am at a stand still. Life goes on but I feel dead.

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on May 12, 2010 at 8:54am

Pinnie,
My heart aches for you,all of us here feel the pain you are going through. Leslie words to you are so profound. You are in the worst place right now. Just starting to come out of the "denial" stage,and realizing that your son is really gone. I remember it too well. It was right around 4 1/2 to 5 months that the fog started to lift,and I fully realized and started to accept the fact that my son was gone. As Leslie said losing your child leaves a hole so deep,it can never be filled. You will find yourself occasionally falling into this black bottomless pit,thinking you will never climb out. Somehow we just do,we get through it. Dosen't mean we love our children any less,just meams we are human. God gave us this coping mechanisam and it is as though we are on autopilot and it just kicks in.
The members of this exclusive group,that none of us want to belong to are all wonderful people. Some are further along the path of healing,we never forget,and we always will feel the pain,but we do heal.I would not be where I am today without my friends here. Keep strong,God be with you,write if you need to.

Gerry

Pinnie said:

My son Kevin, 22 yrs old, died February 2, 2010. He had struggled with drug addiction for many years. He went through rehab at various centers in the Texas, Louisiana area. His last experience was a court directed rehab. For the first time in 6 years I really did believe he wanted something different. He started growing spiritually. He was released from this program January 31st. Within hours of him getting home he was informed that the mother of his child had been running with and allowing a guy to live in their apartment (until her parents found her passed out on the bathroom floor of the apartment and made her move home) . He was also told that they had been selling some of his personal items. Before his release he decided that they should both live apart until they became stronger in their sobriety. The information he got about his fiancees behavior distressed him and the cycle began. He contacted an 2 drug buddies (one an ex girlfriend) and the party began. They all went to a hotel that was within a mile of the heroin dealer. He overdosed. The female woke to a dead Kevin the next morning. Fearful of the whole situation- being involved with drugs and a death, she left. It took me, my son and daughter AND his phone records to finally get to the bottom of the situation. It has been three months and still no legal conclusive cause of death-we are told the tox test can take days to months. His death was a total shock to all the men in his program. They said if anyone was going to make it througn the maze of addiction into the light of sobriety, it would be him. Notwithstanding, I have already felt the sting of Easter without him (he was born on Easter Sunday), his birthday, which was April 19th, and now Mother's Day. I am at a stand still. Life goes on but I feel dead.

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on May 15, 2010 at 7:50pm

God Bless you Gerry...I never thought of that before..."Auto-pilot"; I do believe your right. I was just thinking about everyone here, thought I'd say hello and I am keeping those on this site, {and those who havent found us yet} in my prayers. Keep me in yours. ..................Leslie

Gerry Fiden said:

Pinnie,
My heart aches for you,all of us here feel the pain you are going through. Leslie words to you are so profound. You are in the worst place right now. Just starting to come out of the "denial" stage,and realizing that your son is really gone. I remember it too well. It was right around 4 1/2 to 5 months that the fog started to lift,and I fully realized and started to accept the fact that my son was gone. As Leslie said losing your child leaves a hole so deep,it can never be filled. You will find yourself occasionally falling into this black bottomless pit,thinking you will never climb out. Somehow we just do,we get through it. Dosen't mean we love our children any less,just meams we are human. God gave us this coping mechanisam and it is as though we are on autopilot and it just kicks in.
The members of this exclusive group,that none of us want to belong to are all wonderful people. Some are further along the path of healing,we never forget,and we always will feel the pain,but we do heal.I would not be where I am today without my friends here. Keep strong,God be with you,write if you need to.

Gerry

Pinnie said:
My son Kevin, 22 yrs old, died February 2, 2010. He had struggled with drug addiction for many years. He went through rehab at various centers in the Texas, Louisiana area. His last experience was a court directed rehab. For the first time in 6 years I really did believe he wanted something different. He started growing spiritually. He was released from this program January 31st. Within hours of him getting home he was informed that the mother of his child had been running with and allowing a guy to live in their apartment (until her parents found her passed out on the bathroom floor of the apartment and made her move home) . He was also told that they had been selling some of his personal items. Before his release he decided that they should both live apart until they became stronger in their sobriety. The information he got about his fiancees behavior distressed him and the cycle began. He contacted an 2 drug buddies (one an ex girlfriend) and the party began. They all went to a hotel that was within a mile of the heroin dealer. He overdosed. The female woke to a dead Kevin the next morning. Fearful of the whole situation- being involved with drugs and a death, she left. It took me, my son and daughter AND his phone records to finally get to the bottom of the situation. It has been three months and still no legal conclusive cause of death-we are told the tox test can take days to months. His death was a total shock to all the men in his program. They said if anyone was going to make it througn the maze of addiction into the light of sobriety, it would be him. Notwithstanding, I have already felt the sting of Easter without him (he was born on Easter Sunday), his birthday, which was April 19th, and now Mother's Day. I am at a stand still. Life goes on but I feel dead.

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on May 19, 2010 at 4:14pm

kristi said:

I LOST MY SON IN OCT 7TH,2006 HE WAS ONLY 16 WHEN HE PASSED AWAY AND I DIDNT FEEL ANY PAIN AT ALL BECAUSE I WAS NUMB.AND TILL THIS DAY I LOST MY MIND SOMEWHAT,I ASKED QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE THAT I WENT TO THE DOCTORS OR SOMETHING WITH.MY FRIENDS ARE STILL CONCERNED BECAUSE I FEEL STRONG BUT I FEEL I AM A BURDEN TO THEM IF I CRY OR IF I TALK ABOUT MY SON.WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY SON WENT TO HIS FRIENDS HOUSE HIS FRIEND WAS CLEANING HIS GUN HE SAID AND HE THOUGHT HE TOOK ALL THE BULLETS OUT OF THE GUN,POINTED THE GUN AT MY SON AND PULLED THE TRIGGER,THE KID WAS ONLY 15,HE GOT PROBATION TILL HE IS 19.2,987RESTITUTION AND 200 OF COMMUNITY SERVICE,EVERY ONE ASK IF IT WAS A ACCIDENT AND I ALWAYS SAY I AM THE MOM AND I DONT THINK SO BUT YOU ALL BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT TO.SO MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND I AM HERE TO TALK TO BECAUSE I NEED SOME ONE TO TALK TO.HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOUR SON?BUT I WENT TO SUPPORT GROUP AND THEY SAY TALK ABOUT THE DEATH OF YOUR FAMILY THAT HAVE BEEN GONE AND IT WILL HELP EASE THE PAIN AND I HAVE DONE THAT.AND IT HELPS.THANKS AND I HOPE WE TALK SOMEDAY.THANKS FOR LISTENING

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on May 21, 2010 at 10:49am

I lost my beautiful 11 year old daughter, Mackenzie in a tragic car accident in August 2009. We were returning home from a last minute family vacation before the kids returned to school. My husband was driving, and we also had our 7 year old son, Liam, and Mackenzie's best friend with us. It was raining and during a lane switch, my husband lost control of our van. We hit the guard rail and another car struck us...we were spinning. When we finally stopped I turned to check on the children to make sure they were ok. The best friend asked, "Where's Mackenzie?" I went into a panic! Check the floor! My husband seen her...she had been ejected from the back passenger window and was laying in the middle of the highway. We ran as fast as we could to get to her. Her eyes were closed. People stopped to help...I could do nothing but cry and hope for the best. Someone said she still had a pulse, but it was weak...where as the ambulance???? We covered her with a blanket, to try and keep her warm & dry...it was too late. My baby dies on the road that day and a huge part of me died also.
It has been almost 9 months. Although we seem to live a "normal" life, we are going through hell. Family and friends have been so supportive, yet at each passing day, their lives go on...and I am stuck kneeling at my little girls broken body in the middle of the road, helpless. Everytime I drive, images of that dreadful day come rushing back. Her best friend continues to come over to our home, but sometimes it just hurts too much to see her...
Mackenzie was such a sweet girl. No matter where we went, she would make a friend...boy, girl, older, younger...She was the "neighborhood activity director" getting all the other children to play games, go swimming, jump on the trampoline...She played softball and stunned everyone with her determination to bat as a lefty, rather than her normal right. She could hula hoop non stop, with multiple hoops...she loved cucumbers and strawberries...she loved kayaking and jetskiing...she loved rollercoasters, and rarely would turn down a chance to go for one last ride. She was full of life!
Why did this happen? Why couldn't it have been me? She had an entire lifetime of experiences to enjoy.
We will never see her graaduate from highschool or college. Never be able to get her ready for a prom or her wedding day. Never be able to be nervous that she has found her first boyfriend.
It pains me to know that parents all over the world are going through the same pain as I go through. Children should not go before their parents, especially at such a young age.
I mourn the loss of my daughter everyday, yet must find the strength for my son. It has been difficult, he doesn't have a real grasp on what has happened. We miss her more and more each day. And though my faith was never very strong, and now has been tested, I pray she looks down on us and feels the love we feel for her.
I miss you & love you Mackenzie Shay!!!!