Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.
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You do not have to do, think or say anything you dont want to. You can feel any way you want to. Cry, scream, shout, go to your room turn out the lights, turn music up really loud....it's all ok!
Everyone deals with things in different ways...It doesn't seem like life should go on without him...it does however... I walked around in a daze...wondering why people were still laughing, why families were out together shopping, why, why why everything...... I didnt want to eat....I couldnt sleep... i didnt want to be alive and sometimes I feel all those ways all over again and it's all ok!
Please just try and understand that when anyone suggests anything or trys to comfort you they have no clue....none... what to say or do...but that's ok too!
They care about you...they do...no matter how you think they are handling things...at least they are there for you...when you need to scream, cry, etc.
Try to understand this although i know it's really hard.... but don't push them away ... you need them...maybe it seems not right now...but you will.
I know exactly how you feel... it's a whirling pain in your head..anxiety to the highest level.....the thoughts.. the loss...the everything swirls in and out of your head..your body aches everywhere ......it is instinctive...your Motherly instincts are saying ...what if...where is he..is he ok...please God why him, why us, why me.... it goes deep into your soul as a Mother...it affects us differently...they were a part of us... but they still are and always will be.
Please dont push yourself too hard.... let all those feelings come in and try to understand them...it ok to feel any way you do and when you do think of your son and try to think of him in good ways...any way you can.
My two sons died on July 15, 2010 when they drowned together.... I think I am writing this more for me than I am for you. I look ok on the outside...but if anyone could begin to feel what we do on the inside..... well you understand but many others dont.... please take good care of yourself.
Scott's lost mom said:Another day without my son. I am screaming in my head. The pain is so intense that I feel faint at times. How could he do this? Why did he do this? What did I miss? How did life turn out like this? I am trying so hard but if one more person touches me, I am going to scream loud. If my husband says one more stupid thing to me "we still have our daughter" "we can still have a life" I might commit murder.
Why don't they leave me alone? My son is dead!!!! My heart is broken, I hurt in every fiber of my body. They eat, they drink, they swim in the pool. I am so close to snapping. My baby has been gone 24 days!!! Leave me alone!!! but they don't.
How do I get them all to go away?
I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. I am sure it is not consolation at this time, but your son trying to save his brother speaks volumes. It speaks to how much his brother meant to him. How strong your family bond is. How he thought of his brother more than himself. It certainly is a testimony to what a wonderful mother they have. Stop for a moment be proud.
With that said, your loss is unimaginable. I have no words of wisdom for your grief. Your loss is so precious. I don't know how to get to the happy memory stage. The love and loss feelings are so intense and intertwined for me right now.
I have gone through my son's phone and his email looking for messages from me. He had 25 text messages and 119 emails from me that said I love you. The difference with my son is that he chose to take his own life. He did this after receiving 1 bad grade. He left me a horrid note about being a failure. This grade he thought ended his college and his rotc. He was wrong. I don't know what I forgot to teach him but I certainly missed something. To take his life and this he was failure..why?
The anxiety is completely normal..not wanting to touch his things is very normal.......... throwing up 15 times a day and not eating isnt.
What medications are you on? Can you sleep at all?
Do you have a Priest or Pastor who could come to the house and talk to you?
Im sorry for asking so many questions...it's just hard when so many who care aren't right there for you :( and I for one wish I could be :(
I am saying prayers for you right now.
I woke up today crying my heart out. I miss my son Kenneth so much. He died on March 20th 2010 it will soon be 4 months. I understand I cannot eat, I feel awful, I want him back. It was not supposed to happen this way. But it did. I will never have a grandchild or daughter-in-law. I only have the memories. My son was also an excellent football player. I Love & miss you ken. Love Your Mom, Kelly xxxooo
Sleep well my friend...you need it right now! you need your strength all of it and it is there!!
I lost my son 18 months ago. He was 14 years old at the time and was shot and fatally wounded by a "friend" age 15. He and three other boys went over there after school and the boy got his Dad's guns out and was waving a 44 magnum around. He first put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger then aimed it at Aidan and pulled the trigger. The bullet went through Aidan and hit another boy. Aidan died 1 hour later. The other boy survived but still has a bullet in his spine. Aidan's best friend was in the other room and ran in and had to hold pressure on the wound until the ambulance arrived. I never saw Aidan alive again. I was called by my husband as he was on the way to the hospital. The police has notified him. We found out later that the boy who shot Aidan had been carrying loaded guns to school in his back pack. He was sentenced to murder and convicted of criminallly negligent homicide. He was sentenced to 2 years in a juvenile facility. He had already been getting out on passes. His parents brought him to our church. They never went there before but are going there now. It has been extremely painful for me to see him in the community. My faith has sustained me in my grief but this has made me more angry at God than anything. It just feels like too much, the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had to go through so much grief and loss and anger and now I have to face my son's killer in a place that has brought me spiritual solace.
Aidan was our only son. He was a cancer survivor too. He had leukemia as a young child and was wise beyond his years. He was kind and funny and had a sharp witty sense of humor. His friends loved him as did his family of course. He loved animals and wouldn't even kill a bug. That is why when we heard he had been shot we were shocked and confused. We had no idea about this friend of his. We heard later that the boy who killed him had been depressed and suicidal and had a dark fascination with guns and things that go boom. He also had been drinking and using drugs.
We have a daughter also. She is 19 and going off to college in the Fall. Aidan died in December of her senior year and she decided to take a year off because she didn't want to leave us. They were very close.
I miss Aidan so much that my heart aches. I think of him all the time and when I see his friends I wonder what Aidan would have been doing if he were still alive, what would he decide to do with his life, how tall would he be, what would our relationship be like. My husband is sufferring greatly with this loss also. He and Aidan were very close. It is so cruel that we almost lost him from the leukemia and then so senselessly to such a reckless act.
I try to find joy in every day but I don't waste time doing things that are not meaningful to me. Losing Aidan has taught me what matters in life and that is love, friendship, truth, and faith. My heart goes out to all here who have sufferred the loss of a beloved child.
Thank you for bearing with me and just reading through this post if you made it this far.