Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

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Replies to This Discussion

mary,there are no words to say to take the pain away but that your son is always in your heart and in heaven with god.yes we would rather have our son in our life but god has chosen them to serve in his army.god bless and stay strong- niki

niki corona said:
Mary Neary said:
I lost my son 18 months ago. He was 14 years old at the time and was shot and fatally wounded by a "friend" age 15. He and three other boys went over there after school and the boy got his Dad's guns out and was waving a 44 magnum around. He first put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger then aimed it at Aidan and pulled the trigger. The bullet went through Aidan and hit another boy. Aidan died 1 hour later. The other boy survived but still has a bullet in his spine. Aidan's best friend was in the other room and ran in and had to hold pressure on the wound until the ambulance arrived. I never saw Aidan alive again. I was called by my husband as he was on the way to the hospital. The police has notified him. We found out later that the boy who shot Aidan had been carrying loaded guns to school in his back pack. He was sentenced to murder and convicted of criminallly negligent homicide. He was sentenced to 2 years in a juvenile facility. He had already been getting out on passes. His parents brought him to our church. They never went there before but are going there now. It has been extremely painful for me to see him in the community. My faith has sustained me in my grief but this has made me more angry at God than anything. It just feels like too much, the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had to go through so much grief and loss and anger and now I have to face my son's killer in a place that has brought me spiritual solace.
Aidan was our only son. He was a cancer survivor too. He had leukemia as a young child and was wise beyond his years. He was kind and funny and had a sharp witty sense of humor. His friends loved him as did his family of course. He loved animals and wouldn't even kill a bug. That is why when we heard he had been shot we were shocked and confused. We had no idea about this friend of his. We heard later that the boy who killed him had been depressed and suicidal and had a dark fascination with guns and things that go boom. He also had been drinking and using drugs.
We have a daughter also. She is 19 and going off to college in the Fall. Aidan died in December of her senior year and she decided to take a year off because she didn't want to leave us. They were very close.
I miss Aidan so much that my heart aches. I think of him all the time and when I see his friends I wonder what Aidan would have been doing if he were still alive, what would he decide to do with his life, how tall would he be, what would our relationship be like. My husband is sufferring greatly with this loss also. He and Aidan were very close. It is so cruel that we almost lost him from the leukemia and then so senselessly to such a reckless act.
I try to find joy in every day but I don't waste time doing things that are not meaningful to me. Losing Aidan has taught me what matters in life and that is love, friendship, truth, and faith. My heart goes out to all here who have sufferred the loss of a beloved child.
Thank you for bearing with me and just reading through this post if you made it this far.
Mary
your family is always the best medicine to help you with loss and pain you feel.when people say you still have ur husband and other children not for you to forget your loss of a child but to help you at your weakest that is what gets me when im down my husband and 2 kids yes i will forever miss our son jacob but i have to live life because i know our son is fine in heaven of cousre it would of been better in my arms but god called for jacob and his mission on earth is done. when our time is up on earth we will be with our loved ones again just keep faith and family in your heart .i was only 7 months preg when jacob passed to heaven gates i never was mad at god but in my heart our son was chosen to serve in heaven but yes i have sad moments but i let it out and it hurts but i know in time it will heal not to forget but to be ok god bless
mary said:
You do not have to do, think or say anything you dont want to. You can feel any way you want to. Cry, scream, shout, go to your room turn out the lights, turn music up really loud....it's all ok!

Everyone deals with things in different ways...It doesn't seem like life should go on without him...it does however... I walked around in a daze...wondering why people were still laughing, why families were out together shopping, why, why why everything...... I didnt want to eat....I couldnt sleep... i didnt want to be alive and sometimes I feel all those ways all over again and it's all ok!

Please just try and understand that when anyone suggests anything or trys to comfort you they have no clue....none... what to say or do...but that's ok too!
They care about you...they do...no matter how you think they are handling things...at least they are there for you...when you need to scream, cry, etc.
Try to understand this although i know it's really hard.... but don't push them away ... you need them...maybe it seems not right now...but you will.

I know exactly how you feel... it's a whirling pain in your head..anxiety to the highest level.....the thoughts.. the loss...the everything swirls in and out of your head..your body aches everywhere ......it is instinctive...your Motherly instincts are saying ...what if...where is he..is he ok...please God why him, why us, why me.... it goes deep into your soul as a Mother...it affects us differently...they were a part of us... but they still are and always will be.

Please dont push yourself too hard.... let all those feelings come in and try to understand them...it ok to feel any way you do and when you do think of your son and try to think of him in good ways...any way you can.

My two sons died on July 15, 2010 when they drowned together.... I think I am writing this more for me than I am for you. I look ok on the outside...but if anyone could begin to feel what we do on the inside..... well you understand but many others dont.... please take good care of yourself.
Mary







Scott's lost mom said:
Another day without my son. I am screaming in my head. The pain is so intense that I feel faint at times. How could he do this? Why did he do this? What did I miss? How did life turn out like this? I am trying so hard but if one more person touches me, I am going to scream loud. If my husband says one more stupid thing to me "we still have our daughter" "we can still have a life" I might commit murder.

Why don't they leave me alone? My son is dead!!!! My heart is broken, I hurt in every fiber of my body. They eat, they drink, they swim in the pool. I am so close to snapping. My baby has been gone 24 days!!! Leave me alone!!! but they don't.

How do I get them all to go away?
family is always the best medicine to help you with loss and pain you feel.when people say you still have ur husband and other children not for you to forget your loss of a child but to help you at your weakest that is what gets me when im down my husband and 2 kids yes i will forever miss our son jacob but i have to live life because i know our son is fine in heaven of cousre it would of been better in my arms but god called for jacob and his mission on earth is done. when our time is up on earth we will be with our loved ones again just keep faith and family in your heart .i was only 7 months preg when jacob passed to heaven gates i never was mad at god but in my heart our son was chosen to serve in heaven but yes i have sad moments but i let it out and it hurts but i know in time it will heal not to forget but to be ok god bless
mary said:
You do not have to do, think or say anything you dont want to. You can feel any way you want to. Cry, scream, shout, go to your room turn out the lights, turn music up really loud....it's all ok!

Everyone deals with things in different ways...It doesn't seem like life should go on without him...it does however... I walked around in a daze...wondering why people were still laughing, why families were out together shopping, why, why why everything...... I didnt want to eat....I couldnt sleep... i didnt want to be alive and sometimes I feel all those ways all over again and it's all ok!

Please just try and understand that when anyone suggests anything or trys to comfort you they have no clue....none... what to say or do...but that's ok too!
They care about you...they do...no matter how you think they are handling things...at least they are there for you...when you need to scream, cry, etc.
Try to understand this although i know it's really hard.... but don't push them away ... you need them...maybe it seems not right now...but you will.

I know exactly how you feel... it's a whirling pain in your head..anxiety to the highest level.....the thoughts.. the loss...the everything swirls in and out of your head..your body aches everywhere ......it is instinctive...your Motherly instincts are saying ...what if...where is he..is he ok...please God why him, why us, why me.... it goes deep into your soul as a Mother...it affects us differently...they were a part of us... but they still are and always will be.

Please dont push yourself too hard.... let all those feelings come in and try to understand them...it ok to feel any way you do and when you do think of your son and try to think of him in good ways...any way you can.

My two sons died on July 15, 2010 when they drowned together.... I think I am writing this more for me than I am for you. I look ok on the outside...but if anyone could begin to feel what we do on the inside..... well you understand but many others dont.... please take good care of yourself.
Mary







Scott's lost mom said:
Another day without my son. I am screaming in my head. The pain is so intense that I feel faint at times. How could he do this? Why did he do this? What did I miss? How did life turn out like this? I am trying so hard but if one more person touches me, I am going to scream loud. If my husband says one more stupid thing to me "we still have our daughter" "we can still have a life" I might commit murder.

Why don't they leave me alone? My son is dead!!!! My heart is broken, I hurt in every fiber of my body. They eat, they drink, they swim in the pool. I am so close to snapping. My baby has been gone 24 days!!! Leave me alone!!! but they don't.

How do I get them all to go away?
Hello Robbie, I lost my only biological children this past Mothers Day, Daryl who was 15 and his brother who is 12, he was 11 when he was killed, they too were killed in a car wreck by a distracted driver on her cell phone, she was driving a tractor trailer distracted by phone conversation and hit them in a work zone sitting in traffic waiting on it to merge. The tractor trailer driver hit them at 50mph. It's horrible Robbie, I'm 40 also and like you said dieing is easy it's living that's so hard now. Daryl Reynolds

Robbie Carey said:
I have recently lost both my sons in a car wreck. My heart feels so broken nothing seems to make sense. To only be 40 any have to live the rest of my life without them seems unbearable. To live with this feeling of loss is almost like dying too. Everyone says I have to be strong for the two children my oldest son left behind his youngest was only 7 days old, the oldest is 18 months. The thought of my grandchildern never knowing what a great dad they had or funny uncle hurts so much. I just hope that with time the grief is more managable
take one day at a time like i do and keep ur faith
niki corona said:
your family is always the best medicine to help you with loss and pain you feel.when people say you still have ur husband and other children not for you to forget your loss of a child but to help you at your weakest that is what gets me when im down my husband and 2 kids yes i will forever miss our son jacob but i have to live life because i know our son is fine in heaven of cousre it would of been better in my arms but god called for jacob and his mission on earth is done. when our time is up on earth we will be with our loved ones again just keep faith and family in your heart .i was only 7 months preg when jacob passed to heaven gates i never was mad at god but in my heart our son was chosen to serve in heaven but yes i have sad moments but i let it out and it hurts but i know in time it will heal not to forget but to be ok god bless
mary said:
You do not have to do, think or say anything you dont want to. You can feel any way you want to. Cry, scream, shout, go to your room turn out the lights, turn music up really loud....it's all ok!

Everyone deals with things in different ways...It doesn't seem like life should go on without him...it does however... I walked around in a daze...wondering why people were still laughing, why families were out together shopping, why, why why everything...... I didnt want to eat....I couldnt sleep... i didnt want to be alive and sometimes I feel all those ways all over again and it's all ok!

Please just try and understand that when anyone suggests anything or trys to comfort you they have no clue....none... what to say or do...but that's ok too!
They care about you...they do...no matter how you think they are handling things...at least they are there for you...when you need to scream, cry, etc.
Try to understand this although i know it's really hard.... but don't push them away ... you need them...maybe it seems not right now...but you will.

I know exactly how you feel... it's a whirling pain in your head..anxiety to the highest level.....the thoughts.. the loss...the everything swirls in and out of your head..your body aches everywhere ......it is instinctive...your Motherly instincts are saying ...what if...where is he..is he ok...please God why him, why us, why me.... it goes deep into your soul as a Mother...it affects us differently...they were a part of us... but they still are and always will be.

Please dont push yourself too hard.... let all those feelings come in and try to understand them...it ok to feel any way you do and when you do think of your son and try to think of him in good ways...any way you can.

My two sons died on July 15, 2010 when they drowned together.... I think I am writing this more for me than I am for you. I look ok on the outside...but if anyone could begin to feel what we do on the inside..... well you understand but many others dont.... please take good care of yourself.
Mary







Scott's lost mom said:
Another day without my son. I am screaming in my head. The pain is so intense that I feel faint at times. How could he do this? Why did he do this? What did I miss? How did life turn out like this? I am trying so hard but if one more person touches me, I am going to scream loud. If my husband says one more stupid thing to me "we still have our daughter" "we can still have a life" I might commit murder.

Why don't they leave me alone? My son is dead!!!! My heart is broken, I hurt in every fiber of my body. They eat, they drink, they swim in the pool. I am so close to snapping. My baby has been gone 24 days!!! Leave me alone!!! but they don't.

How do I get them all to go away?
niki corona said:
mary,there are no words to say to take the pain away but that your son is always in your heart and in heaven with god.yes we would rather have our son in our life but god has chosen them to serve in his army.god bless and stay strong- niki

niki corona said:
Mary Neary said:
I lost my son 18 months ago. He was 14 years old at the time and was shot and fatally wounded by a "friend" age 15. He and three other boys went over there after school and the boy got his Dad's guns out and was waving a 44 magnum around. He first put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger then aimed it at Aidan and pulled the trigger. The bullet went through Aidan and hit another boy. Aidan died 1 hour later. The other boy survived but still has a bullet in his spine. Aidan's best friend was in the other room and ran in and had to hold pressure on the wound until the ambulance arrived. I never saw Aidan alive again. I was called by my husband as he was on the way to the hospital. The police has notified him. We found out later that the boy who shot Aidan had been carrying loaded guns to school in his back pack. He was sentenced to murder and convicted of criminallly negligent homicide. He was sentenced to 2 years in a juvenile facility. He had already been getting out on passes. His parents brought him to our church. They never went there before but are going there now. It has been extremely painful for me to see him in the community. My faith has sustained me in my grief but this has made me more angry at God than anything. It just feels like too much, the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had to go through so much grief and loss and anger and now I have to face my son's killer in a place that has brought me spiritual solace.
Aidan was our only son. He was a cancer survivor too. He had leukemia as a young child and was wise beyond his years. He was kind and funny and had a sharp witty sense of humor. His friends loved him as did his family of course. He loved animals and wouldn't even kill a bug. That is why when we heard he had been shot we were shocked and confused. We had no idea about this friend of his. We heard later that the boy who killed him had been depressed and suicidal and had a dark fascination with guns and things that go boom. He also had been drinking and using drugs.
We have a daughter also. She is 19 and going off to college in the Fall. Aidan died in December of her senior year and she decided to take a year off because she didn't want to leave us. They were very close.
I miss Aidan so much that my heart aches. I think of him all the time and when I see his friends I wonder what Aidan would have been doing if he were still alive, what would he decide to do with his life, how tall would he be, what would our relationship be like. My husband is sufferring greatly with this loss also. He and Aidan were very close. It is so cruel that we almost lost him from the leukemia and then so senselessly to such a reckless act.
I try to find joy in every day but I don't waste time doing things that are not meaningful to me. Losing Aidan has taught me what matters in life and that is love, friendship, truth, and faith. My heart goes out to all here who have sufferred the loss of a beloved child.
Thank you for bearing with me and just reading through this post if you made it this far.
Mary
Cynthia the pain never ease, like on of the supporters stated you just learn to cope with it. As time goes on you cope a little better each day.

Cynthia said:
Tomorrow is the sixth anniversary of the passing of our 17 year old daughter. I thought by now the pain and sadness would ease more than it has. Although I am fortunate to have a large family, who are their to listen and help, I have always found it difficult to express my grief to them (I don't want to upset them). I have taken part in every support group available and have even facilitated a grief support group for parents through my church. The best I can do is pray for inner peace.
I just need help! It has been 3yrs since losing my son, 3wks after his 21st birthday, he left my place in his car, went around a corner, lost control, severed his spinal cord at C-3.... he was gone. I had been his mom since I was 17, it was just the 2 of us until he was 12, then I met someone, had a little girl. The relationship didn't work, so the 3 of us moved on. Was working, and enjoying my 2 kids, and lo and behold another one of God's creatures had to come shine my way! Got married, had a baby boy, stayed with it thru the 7 year itch and then it was over. So now it was my beautiful 19 year old son, 7 yr old daughter, and 5 yr old son together trying to figure it all out. Then it happened my just turned 21 yr old was at the apt, chatting with his mom, leaving for work, promising to be back at lunch time. But that never happened. Within a moment he was gone forever. My ability to carry on with the life of my other 2 children is scattered, and a total mess!! On top of it all, I found out I have Multiple Sclerosis, and have had so for atleast 10 yrs ----- not a good prognosis. Now what????????? Someone help, Please! Someone offer me some words of wisdome, PLEASE!!!!! I am at a total loss, and feeling so much fear, not for myself, but for 2 children that so need their mom, especially to fill in where their dad has no clue! Help!
Hi Marianne Lewis - yes, dear Marianne, according to your own words you need to look for a professional help for your body and for you soul.
Be sure I will be praying for you in this meantime.
Love and God bless you, Marianne.

Marianne Lewis said:
I just need help! It has been 3yrs since losing my son, 3wks after his 21st birthday, he left my place in his car, went around a corner, lost control, severed his spinal cord at C-3.... he was gone. I had been his mom since I was 17, it was just the 2 of us until he was 12, then I met someone, had a little girl. The relationship didn't work, so the 3 of us moved on. Was working, and enjoying my 2 kids, and lo and behold another one of God's creatures had to come shine my way! Got married, had a baby boy, stayed with it thru the 7 year itch and then it was over. So now it was my beautiful 19 year old son, 7 yr old daughter, and 5 yr old son together trying to figure it all out. Then it happened my just turned 21 yr old was at the apt, chatting with his mom, leaving for work, promising to be back at lunch time. But that never happened. Within a moment he was gone forever. My ability to carry on with the life of my other 2 children is scattered, and a total mess!! On top of it all, I found out I have Multiple Sclerosis, and have had so for atleast 10 yrs ----- not a good prognosis. Now what????????? Someone help, Please! Someone offer me some words of wisdome, PLEASE!!!!! I am at a total loss, and feeling so much fear, not for myself, but for 2 children that so need their mom, especially to fill in where their dad has no clue! Help!
Dear Marianne,

My heart goes out to you for the loss of your son. I too lost my son and only child in an instant. He was killed by a drunk driver 11 months ago today. I know your pain so well. Your other children can not replace the son you loss,but you must be strong for them your son would want that. Everyone here questions why a merciful and lovimg God would take our children and put us through all this suffering and pain. Of course we don't have the answer. I for one believe ...he gives us nothing we can not handle. A friend and I were speaking about this today, and we decided God gives us what he knows we need ( both in material things as well as people and circumstances)and not what we want or ask for. We are where we are suppose to be. You are in my prayers.
God be with you,

amaryllis said:
Hi Marianne Lewis - yes, dear Marianne, according to your own words you need to look for a professional help for your body and for you soul.
Be sure I will be praying for you in this meantime.
Love and God bless you, Marianne.

Marianne Lewis said:
I just need help! It has been 3yrs since losing my son, 3wks after his 21st birthday, he left my place in his car, went around a corner, lost control, severed his spinal cord at C-3.... he was gone. I had been his mom since I was 17, it was just the 2 of us until he was 12, then I met someone, had a little girl. The relationship didn't work, so the 3 of us moved on. Was working, and enjoying my 2 kids, and lo and behold another one of God's creatures had to come shine my way! Got married, had a baby boy, stayed with it thru the 7 year itch and then it was over. So now it was my beautiful 19 year old son, 7 yr old daughter, and 5 yr old son together trying to figure it all out. Then it happened my just turned 21 yr old was at the apt, chatting with his mom, leaving for work, promising to be back at lunch time. But that never happened. Within a moment he was gone forever. My ability to carry on with the life of my other 2 children is scattered, and a total mess!! On top of it all, I found out I have Multiple Sclerosis, and have had so for atleast 10 yrs ----- not a good prognosis. Now what????????? Someone help, Please! Someone offer me some words of wisdome, PLEASE!!!!! I am at a total loss, and feeling so much fear, not for myself, but for 2 children that so need their mom, especially to fill in where their dad has no clue! Help!
Dear Marianne:

You have joined the club no one wants to join. I lost my beautiful 36 year old son last year & it has been a journey I don't wish on anyone. I can tell you it does ease up a bit but my suggestion is to get some professional help. I thought I was handling it ok until the anniversary of his death & I fell apart. My daughter was diagnosed with Myelofibrosis at the same time. I didn't want to take medication but did turn to it & have to say it has helped tremendously, no panic attacks, deep depression. Love your 2 children as much as you can & marvel at them each & every day. You will survive.

Marianne Lewis said:
I just need help! It has been 3yrs since losing my son, 3wks after his 21st birthday, he left my place in his car, went around a corner, lost control, severed his spinal cord at C-3.... he was gone. I had been his mom since I was 17, it was just the 2 of us until he was 12, then I met someone, had a little girl. The relationship didn't work, so the 3 of us moved on. Was working, and enjoying my 2 kids, and lo and behold another one of God's creatures had to come shine my way! Got married, had a baby boy, stayed with it thru the 7 year itch and then it was over. So now it was my beautiful 19 year old son, 7 yr old daughter, and 5 yr old son together trying to figure it all out. Then it happened my just turned 21 yr old was at the apt, chatting with his mom, leaving for work, promising to be back at lunch time. But that never happened. Within a moment he was gone forever. My ability to carry on with the life of my other 2 children is scattered, and a total mess!! On top of it all, I found out I have Multiple Sclerosis, and have had so for atleast 10 yrs ----- not a good prognosis. Now what????????? Someone help, Please! Someone offer me some words of wisdome, PLEASE!!!!! I am at a total loss, and feeling so much fear, not for myself, but for 2 children that so need their mom, especially to fill in where their dad has no clue! Help!
Hi Marianne Lewis, tell me how are you today?
You are in my thoughts and prayers - you asked and you have friends here who care for you and i am among them. It helps when we feel we are not alone.
xxx


Ann said:
Dear Marianne:

You have joined the club no one wants to join. I lost my beautiful 36 year old son last year & it has been a journey I don't wish on anyone. I can tell you it does ease up a bit but my suggestion is to get some professional help. I thought I was handling it ok until the anniversary of his death & I fell apart. My daughter was diagnosed with Myelofibrosis at the same time. I didn't want to take medication but did turn to it & have to say it has helped tremendously, no panic attacks, deep depression. Love your 2 children as much as you can & marvel at them each & every day. You will survive.

Marianne Lewis said:
I just need help! It has been 3yrs since losing my son, 3wks after his 21st birthday, he left my place in his car, went around a corner, lost control, severed his spinal cord at C-3.... he was gone. I had been his mom since I was 17, it was just the 2 of us until he was 12, then I met someone, had a little girl. The relationship didn't work, so the 3 of us moved on. Was working, and enjoying my 2 kids, and lo and behold another one of God's creatures had to come shine my way! Got married, had a baby boy, stayed with it thru the 7 year itch and then it was over. So now it was my beautiful 19 year old son, 7 yr old daughter, and 5 yr old son together trying to figure it all out. Then it happened my just turned 21 yr old was at the apt, chatting with his mom, leaving for work, promising to be back at lunch time. But that never happened. Within a moment he was gone forever. My ability to carry on with the life of my other 2 children is scattered, and a total mess!! On top of it all, I found out I have Multiple Sclerosis, and have had so for atleast 10 yrs ----- not a good prognosis. Now what????????? Someone help, Please! Someone offer me some words of wisdome, PLEASE!!!!! I am at a total loss, and feeling so much fear, not for myself, but for 2 children that so need their mom, especially to fill in where their dad has no clue! Help!

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