Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nancy on August 6, 2010 at 10:50am

Dear Robbie,
I too am grieving over the loss of my daughter. She died November 20, 2006. I am suffering beyond endurance STILL.  I try to keep very busy on projects to keep my head clear. I have been on so much medication it's a wonder I am functional. As of last week, I am  off all medication trying to face the world all on my own. My head spins still with grief & sadness. I saw this blog today while trying to write on an obituary note. I am so tired of leaning on my friends and seeing analysts. My daughter was 38 when she died and has left behind two beautiful teenagers. I still don't know how to cope with living without my daughter. I have watched everyone else move on, or appear to have.   It is my turn, any help out there?

Cynthia said:

Dear Robbie, Please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of your sons. What sorrow and pain you must be feeling. Losing children is like dying ourselves because we have lost a significant part of who we are. The people who say you must be strong for your grandchildren are trying to find some way to comfort you, and I do hope you find some comfort and peace with your very young grandchildren. But remember to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way you must, whenever you must. I want to keep this message brief, because I remember in those early days my attention span was short, but I do want to let you know that if you need anything I am here to help. I have many resources I can lend that may help you find some peace and comfort (I facilitated a grief support group for parents at my church two years after we lost our Laura in a car accident). My husband found some solace in Harold Kushner’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. If you just want to vent your expressions, please feel free to write for I am here to listen. Take care of yourself. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Cynthia

Permalink Reply by Nancy on August 6, 2010 at 10:50am

Dear Robbie,
I too am grieving over the loss of my daughter. She died November 20, 2006. I am suffering beyond endurance STILL.  I try to keep very busy on projects to keep my head clear. I have been on so much medication it's a wonder I am functional. As of last week, I am  off all medication trying to face the world all on my own. My head spins still with grief & sadness. I saw this blog today while trying to write on an obituary note. I am so tired of leaning on my friends and seeing analysts. My daughter was 38 when she died and has left behind two beautiful teenagers. I still don't know how to cope with living without my daughter. I have watched everyone else move on, or appear to have.   It is my turn, any help out there?

Cynthia said:

Dear Robbie, Please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of your sons. What sorrow and pain you must be feeling. Losing children is like dying ourselves because we have lost a significant part of who we are. The people who say you must be strong for your grandchildren are trying to find some way to comfort you, and I do hope you find some comfort and peace with your very young grandchildren. But remember to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way you must, whenever you must. I want to keep this message brief, because I remember in those early days my attention span was short, but I do want to let you know that if you need anything I am here to help. I have many resources I can lend that may help you find some peace and comfort (I facilitated a grief support group for parents at my church two years after we lost our Laura in a car accident). My husband found some solace in Harold Kushner’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. If you just want to vent your expressions, please feel free to write for I am here to listen. Take care of yourself. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Cynthia

Permalink Reply by Nancy on August 6, 2010 at 10:50am

Dear Robbie,
I too am grieving over the loss of my daughter. She died November 20, 2006. I am suffering beyond endurance STILL.  I try to keep very busy on projects to keep my head clear. I have been on so much medication it's a wonder I am functional. As of last week, I am  off all medication trying to face the world all on my own. My head spins still with grief & sadness. I saw this blog today while trying to write on an obituary note. I am so tired of leaning on my friends and seeing analysts. My daughter was 38 when she died and has left behind two beautiful teenagers. I still don't know how to cope with living without my daughter. I have watched everyone else move on, or appear to have.   It is my turn, any help out there?

Cynthia said:

Dear Robbie, Please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of your sons. What sorrow and pain you must be feeling. Losing children is like dying ourselves because we have lost a significant part of who we are. The people who say you must be strong for your grandchildren are trying to find some way to comfort you, and I do hope you find some comfort and peace with your very young grandchildren. But remember to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way you must, whenever you must. I want to keep this message brief, because I remember in those early days my attention span was short, but I do want to let you know that if you need anything I am here to help. I have many resources I can lend that may help you find some peace and comfort (I facilitated a grief support group for parents at my church two years after we lost our Laura in a car accident). My husband found some solace in Harold Kushner’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. If you just want to vent your expressions, please feel free to write for I am here to listen. Take care of yourself. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Cynthia

Permalink Reply by Nancy on August 6, 2010 at 10:50am

Dear Robbie,
I too am grieving over the loss of my daughter. She died November 20, 2006. I am suffering beyond endurance STILL.  I try to keep very busy on projects to keep my head clear. I have been on so much medication it's a wonder I am functional. As of last week, I am  off all medication trying to face the world all on my own. My head spins still with grief & sadness. I saw this blog today while trying to write on an obituary note. I am so tired of leaning on my friends and seeing analysts. My daughter was 38 when she died and has left behind two beautiful teenagers. I still don't know how to cope with living without my daughter. I have watched everyone else move on, or appear to have.   It is my turn, any help out there?

Cynthia said:

Dear Robbie, Please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of your sons. What sorrow and pain you must be feeling. Losing children is like dying ourselves because we have lost a significant part of who we are. The people who say you must be strong for your grandchildren are trying to find some way to comfort you, and I do hope you find some comfort and peace with your very young grandchildren. But remember to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way you must, whenever you must. I want to keep this message brief, because I remember in those early days my attention span was short, but I do want to let you know that if you need anything I am here to help. I have many resources I can lend that may help you find some peace and comfort (I facilitated a grief support group for parents at my church two years after we lost our Laura in a car accident). My husband found some solace in Harold Kushner’s book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. If you just want to vent your expressions, please feel free to write for I am here to listen. Take care of yourself. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. Cynthia

Permalink Reply by John Taylor on November 27, 2008 at 10:30am

Mr. Carey I'm so sorry to hear about your lose. I lost my only son back in May to suicide. I can't even fathom how much it would hurt to lose two children. My heart too felt as if someone had ripped a portion of it out of my chest.
I wish my son had left me some grand kids. I miss him daily. I will pray for you and your family that God protects and guides you and your family through the times you'll miss your boys. Mine was 29 years old but he'll always be my little bear. Take care. JBT

Permalink Reply by kristi on November 28, 2008 at 7:59am

sorry to hear about your son,i lost a friend back in sept to suicide,he left behind 3 children and a wife.and we still cant figure out why he did it.he was nice he was going to school to be an r n.he only had till may than he would of graduated.he did hurt alot of people by doing this.something must of went wrong we dont understand why he did it.i feel for the kids and wife i didnt know what to say to them.but i hope you get strong it has been 2 years since i lost my son and i am strong sometimes but the holidays come and i am lost in my own little world.thanks and keep in touch

Permalink Reply by kristi on November 28, 2008 at 7:54am

hi robbie,i lost my son 2 years ago and the pain is still strong on holidays it is worse because he is not there eating with us and enjoying the day with us.my son didnt leave behind children because he was only 16 but he left behind a sister and brother.my son was only 10 and my daughter was 19 but i know my son he left behind is hurting because once in a while he will come up with something my son use to do just to make me laugh.he knows what a hug is because he gives them to me all the time.what i am trying to say is i hear you people say you have 2 grandchildren that your son left behind and you have to be strong for them.i have people at my work tell me i have to be strong for my kids i do have and start living again,i keep saying to them but i had 3 kids and thats what i should have now but someone took one away from me.i try really hard to stay strong for them but on holidays and his birthday and the annivesary of his death it is kinda hard to keep strong.i take food out to the cemetary like yesterday i took turkey and all the other stuff out there.they say to light a candle and write in a journal your good thoughts about your sons.i am sorry for your loss.mine was my son got shot by his friend.my son was 16 and the boy was 15.sorry ok about your loss.keep in touch

Permalink Reply by Denise Denton on August 8, 2008 at 10:50am

My son Benjamin Abraham Mishlove was born 5/13/85. I was unknowingly exposed to excessive chemicals that were being sprayed in our county park system in 1984 to control pests and weeds in the very early stages of gestation when I was carrying Ben. I was a pretty phenomenal athlete in those days. Bicycling and triathlons were my passion. I did notice that in the spring and summer of 1984 there was a noticeable absence of migratory birds along the Milwaukee River, no woodchucks to be found. When I stopped my bike to refill my water bottle on a 90 degree day with 100% humidity, there weren't even gnats or mosquitoes swarming about. Strange, but I didn't think twice about this until several years later.

When Ben was born, his father and I were told that there was something "not quite right". It was true. He did have a cluster of minor birth anomalies, but Ben was our angel. Squeaker, the nurses lovingly nicknamed him in the hospital. Squeaker Boy my squeaker toy, was a silly phrase I often used when talking and cooing to our baby. I was not going to believe there was anything wrong with our son without concrete evidence. I didn't realize then that "De Nile" is not just a river in Egypt.

From one week of age, a trip to the doctor meant another bout of bad news regarding Benjamin's "normality". It was indescribably devastating, but we refused to treat Ben any differently than other children.

The chemicals we were exposed to are not so dissimilar to Agent Orange, as I have been told by a colleague who is a nurse and a VietNam veteran. The portion of the brain that separates the right from the left hemisphere of the brain, along with the optical and auditory nerves, had stopped developing juuuuuust short of the completion of fetal neurological development. What did that mean for Ben!?!! What was in his future?!? How could I fix him!!??!! Here we begin the journey of my life as Ben's mom. I could just never figure out what I did to deserve this karma. At first, it was within the context of me grieving and wallowing in self-absorbed depression. But soon, I realized that his father and I had been chosen and blessed with the opportunity to experience life through the perception of a living angel, our son Benjamin. Life was never easy, because we would not consider anything less than the best when it came to Ben's needs. When I freak out, I get busy. I got real busy networking to locate resources to help Ben maximize his potential, and consequently, I did a whole lotta research to try to predict our collaborative futures. It allowed me to remain focused in a productive way while I avoided stagnating in grief over having a son with a disability.

The spectrum of life expectancies for children born without a corpus callosum (that part of the brain I mentioned before), was vast and unbelievably polarized. Some children died within hours of birth, while others lived normal lives, only to discover the missing membrane through autopsy. That told me absolutely nothing. Evidently, the more secondary anomalies that occur in the person, the more severely the are likely to suffer different afflictions. In a nutshell, if Ben did not experience seizures, his life expectancy and the expectation of pain or degenerative problems were also decreased. The behavior that could be possibly construed to be seizure-like activity in Ben were his frequent episodes of uncontrollable belly-laughing, usually triggered by either music he was listening to, or after a period of playing, tickling, dancing. Hey. If that is a seizure disorder, sign me up!

Side note. This was going to be a short blog. It may be a nouvellea. I'm signing out for now. I will continue the story of Ben Ben later.

Permalink Reply by Denise Denton on August 8, 2008 at 10:52am

Apparently these replies are added to separately. I hope everyone reading Ben's story is looking forward to more. signing off, Denise

Permalink Reply by Rose on August 17, 2008 at 7:42am

I lost my 32 year old nephew to a drug overdose Jan of this year. He was a beautiful man, an athelete, a son, a brother, a grandson and a friend to many. His death has left our family reeling. He is the son of my sister who I am very close with. I have been very supportive; helping in anyway I can. She is amazing to me. Going thru life, working, going to support groups, church and family are important. My problem is that I am grieving the loss of her son more than the loss of my nephew. Does that make sense? I have a 25 year old son and I keep thinking to myself, how can she cope? I can't imagine what she is going through but somehow my own grieving transfers to my own life and my fear of losing my son. Is this normal? I have been reading articles and blogs about grieving and I see myself in many of these articles. Yesterday I booked a trip to see my son, he lives out of state, and the minute I booked it I started to cry; a deep, mourning cry. I have had therapy and was using my tools and understood partly why I was crying, but I was surprised by my reaction; instead of being happy (which I was deep down) I was very sad. I know part of it is feeling guilty; feeling guilty that I can see my son, call him and be with him; not like my sister. I just can't imagine what she is going through. Has anyone experienced this? Any help you can give will be appreciated. Thank you.

Permalink Reply by kristi on August 17, 2008 at 3:25pm

hi rose,my heart goes out to you and your family,me i lost my son on oct 7th,2006 to his friend that shot him,he was only 16 and my husband deals with it a different way,me i couldnt cope any more i went and lost my mind for like a month after he pasted.i went to a grief support group and that really helped,this might help you light a candle for 5 minutes,and write down in a journal your good thoughts about your nephew,or talk to his picuture they say to do that and another thing is they say to do and i do this because my friends and family help me out is to talk about him like he is still here.your friends will listen and your family should to.and they tell you not to hide them in the closet.so my friends and family help really good,i think i would of never made it in this world after he passed but since i did all this it has helped and my friend that i have been really close to for 11 years says to people when they ask how i am doing is she has been strong,i dont show it at my job because i had this lady loose her husband to a motorcycle accident and she cried at work and everything what i did i said i am not going to be like her and i went into see the residents 2 or 3 times before i went back to work so that we all could just be our selves.and the first day was hard but after that i was ok.it was like i was never gone from work they treated me the same.my co-workers had to come tell me it was time to come back to work after 2 weeks,and i said yes it is.well my son would of been 18 this year on sept 12th,he would of been a senior in high school and this year is really going to be hard as his friends graduate without him.i live like 3 and half hours from my parents and i feel that they didnt know what to say or do for me but just being by me was the best thing.and for you to go see your son is the best thing for you,my mom and dad have been wanting me to come down there for a couple of days and i am sad that i cant i used all my sick and vaction time up so have none.but they come to see us 2 times a year.i have adopted a highway in 2007 and i have had my family come up the weekend that he passed away so i dont have to be alone.they have been really good about that.but for your sister just let her know that your there for her and your just a phone call away if she needs you,is she married?if she isnt married maybe if she has money that you could ask her to go on the trip with you,i bet your son would like that.well have a nice trip and i hope you keep in touch.thanks for listening to.kristi

Permalink Reply by Rose on August 17, 2008 at 7:02pm

Thank you Kristi for your wisdom. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, I can't imagine what you have been through.... I am going to do some of the things you recommend. I especially like the idea about talking to his picture, lighting a candle and a journal. I know I am still angry at him...I know it's part of the grief process. When I go to his grave site, I yell at him and cry...it makes me feel better. I'm not angry at what he did, he wasn't well, I am angry on how he left us behind suffering his loss. Anyway, today I started making more plans for my trip and I talked to my son which made me feel better. I am getting excited and I know I'll feel better when I see him. I do things with my sister; take little trips all the time, tell her if she needs me call me. She does do that and we are always doing something together. Yes she is married, but her husband isn't dealing with the grief like her, so she finds healthy outlets which is good. Thank you again for your support. I plan on going on this website and reading more postings and articles. I'll stay in touch. Rose

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