The loss of a child

Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

• When a Baby Dies

• When an Infant Dies

• When a Teenager Dies

• Youth Suicide: How You Can Help the Survivors

• What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable

• Loss of Our Assumptive World

• The Grief of Grandparents

• Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

• After a Tragedy: What Kids Can Do

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on September 8, 2010 at 12:55pm

Dear Friends on Legacy Connect...as that is what we have become,

Today is the anniversaey of my son Ric's Angel Day. God called him home a year ago today.For those of you who are new to this site,please accept my sincere sympathy for your loss. No mom/dad should go through what we unfortunately are.

My son was 43 years old,healthy,loving and full of life. He was son/father/husband/friend...and had many more years to live,or so we thought. He was on his way to work at 7:22 am (on his motorcycle) when he was killed by a drunk driver. Many of you here know my sons story. We still wait for justice to be served. There are days I ask myself...exactly what is justice...and everyday I ask..what does God want me to learn from this.
I truly believe we are all connected in some way and learn from each other. Part of me believes that we make our choices and that determines our life...but I also am sure that God knows our destiny. Why he allowed this to happen to my son will be made know to me when it is my time. I guess what I am saying is..we need to trust in the Lord,that we are where we should and need to be. I would not have said this a year ago,or even 6 months ago...so I guess I am learning. Does this make me miss or love my son any less..no..it makes me miss and love him more. It makes me realize that he fulfilled his purpose on earth, and that he is now in a better place. I know in my heart that "he" watches over "me" now...and I hope to make him proud that I am his mom.

A TRIBUTE TO MY SON

I wish I could go back to the day you were born...seeing those tiny little hands and those beautiful eyes for the first time..took my breath away. You were born an old soul. Everyone who knew you as a child commented on how old beyond your years you were. You were what ever mother wanted...a good,sweet little boy. Like all teens..we had our moments,but nothing so bad that couldn't be handled. One thing we always were sure of was our love for each other. The one thing that was always so precious to me was...how you always ended our phone conversations with I Love You. As it turns out these were the last words we said to each other, for that I am grateful...I will hold those words in my heart until I see you again. I do have regrets...that you will not see your daughters grow to be the woman they are meant to become...that you will not get to see your grand children...that I will not see those beautiful tourquoise eyes again and get to tell you in person I Love You ...just one more time..
Be with God..my baby/my sweet boy/my confidante/my friend.....my son...rest in peace..I love You,
Mom

Permalink Reply by kathy on September 10, 2010 at 2:57pm

My 16 years old grandson died in a terrible car accident almost three months ago. Someone called my son and told him about it he called me as I was closer to accident site wanting me to go check on him. When I arrived I saw his suv in a field upside down. The fire chief stopped me as I walked up when I ask about my grandson he pointed to the suv and then pointed about 75 yards across on the other side of the road and told me that's where my grandson body landed this was the first indication I had that my grandson did not make it. I have had nightmares about this fact since the accident and do not understand how someone could be so cold hearted to tell a family member this information in the matter that he did . Am I reading to much into his demeanor we live in a small town but I feel someone should be told of his actions?

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on September 15, 2010 at 3:55pm

Dear Gerry...

One year already; I could never understand "HOW" so much time can pass, when everyday seems to take so long to get through. I love your tribute...your words really touch home. Love and prayers to you, as always....Leslie

Gerry Fiden said:

Dear Friends on Legacy Connect...as that is what we have become,

Today is the anniversaey of my son Ric's Angel Day. God called him home a year ago today.For those of you who are new to this site,please accept my sincere sympathy for your loss. No mom/dad should go through what we unfortunately are.

My son was 43 years old,healthy,loving and full of life. He was son/father/husband/friend...and had many more years to live,or so we thought. He was on his way to work at 7:22 am (on his motorcycle) when he was killed by a drunk driver. Many of you here know my sons story. We still wait for justice to be served. There are days I ask myself...exactly what is justice...and everyday I ask..what does God want me to learn from this.
I truly believe we are all connected in some way and learn from each other. Part of me believes that we make our choices and that determines our life...but I also am sure that God knows our destiny. Why he allowed this to happen to my son will be made know to me when it is my time. I guess what I am saying is..we need to trust in the Lord,that we are where we should and need to be. I would not have said this a year ago,or even 6 months ago...so I guess I am learning. Does this make me miss or love my son any less..no..it makes me miss and love him more. It makes me realize that he fulfilled his purpose on earth, and that he is now in a better place. I know in my heart that "he" watches over "me" now...and I hope to make him proud that I am his mom.

A TRIBUTE TO MY SON

I wish I could go back to the day you were born...seeing those tiny little hands and those beautiful eyes for the first time..took my breath away. You were born an old soul. Everyone who knew you as a child commented on how old beyond your years you were. You were what ever mother wanted...a good,sweet little boy. Like all teens..we had our moments,but nothing so bad that couldn't be handled. One thing we always were sure of was our love for each other. The one thing that was always so precious to me was...how you always ended our phone conversations with I Love You. As it turns out these were the last words we said to each other, for that I am grateful...I will hold those words in my heart until I see you again. I do have regrets...that you will not see your daughters grow to be the woman they are meant to become...that you will not get to see your grand children...that I will not see those beautiful tourquoise eyes again and get to tell you in person I Love You ...just one more time..
Be with God..my baby/my sweet boy/my confidante/my friend.....my son...rest in peace..I love You,
Mom

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on September 15, 2010 at 10:50pm

Leslie,

How have you been,it has been awhile.
I do remember that Jordans birthday was right after I lost Ric. Yes time does pass us by,but it still hurts as much as the first day our sons were called home.
My tribute just doesn't seem like anything to me. I still struggle with not doing enough for my son. I am hoping when his case comes to trial that I will feel a little more at peace. I know I will have no say in the process but hopefully being there will give me some peace.
God be with you...and love to you as always,
Gerry

Leslie L. Fiorda said:

Dear Gerry...

One year already; I could never understand "HOW" so much time can pass, when everyday seems to take so long to get through. I love your tribute...your words really touch home. Love and prayers to you, as always....Leslie

Gerry Fiden said:
Dear Friends on Legacy Connect...as that is what we have become,

Today is the anniversaey of my son Ric's Angel Day. God called him home a year ago today.For those of you who are new to this site,please accept my sincere sympathy for your loss. No mom/dad should go through what we unfortunately are.

My son was 43 years old,healthy,loving and full of life. He was son/father/husband/friend...and had many more years to live,or so we thought. He was on his way to work at 7:22 am (on his motorcycle) when he was killed by a drunk driver. Many of you here know my sons story. We still wait for justice to be served. There are days I ask myself...exactly what is justice...and everyday I ask..what does God want me to learn from this.
I truly believe we are all connected in some way and learn from each other. Part of me believes that we make our choices and that determines our life...but I also am sure that God knows our destiny. Why he allowed this to happen to my son will be made know to me when it is my time. I guess what I am saying is..we need to trust in the Lord,that we are where we should and need to be. I would not have said this a year ago,or even 6 months ago...so I guess I am learning. Does this make me miss or love my son any less..no..it makes me miss and love him more. It makes me realize that he fulfilled his purpose on earth, and that he is now in a better place. I know in my heart that "he" watches over "me" now...and I hope to make him proud that I am his mom.

A TRIBUTE TO MY SON

I wish I could go back to the day you were born...seeing those tiny little hands and those beautiful eyes for the first time..took my breath away. You were born an old soul. Everyone who knew you as a child commented on how old beyond your years you were. You were what ever mother wanted...a good,sweet little boy. Like all teens..we had our moments,but nothing so bad that couldn't be handled. One thing we always were sure of was our love for each other. The one thing that was always so precious to me was...how you always ended our phone conversations with I Love You. As it turns out these were the last words we said to each other, for that I am grateful...I will hold those words in my heart until I see you again. I do have regrets...that you will not see your daughters grow to be the woman they are meant to become...that you will not get to see your grand children...that I will not see those beautiful tourquoise eyes again and get to tell you in person I Love You ...just one more time..
Be with God..my baby/my sweet boy/my confidante/my friend.....my son...rest in peace..I love You,
Mom

Permalink Reply by michele boucher on September 21, 2010 at 8:32am

Cynthia said:

Dear Kristi,
I am truly so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about the initial response to learning that your child has passed. I have always believed the profound numbness many of us feel is the body’s natural reaction, preventing us from TOTALLY losing it. If one could really die of a broken heart, all parents whom loss a child would perish. My husband and I felt completely numb for many months. I had panic attacks so bad I couldn’t breath. Finally I had to take an anti-anxiety medication just to function. I didn’t even cry for six weeks. Of course once the tears started it was very intense. My daughter’s accident (her name was Laura) was her own fault – inattentive driving, but that wasn’t the case for your son. You must have (or perhaps still do) felt such anger. I too have been to support groups, grief counseling, and I even facilitated a support group for grieving parents at my church. I was a member of Compassionate friends also. These contacts helped, but they have never been able to ease the pain. My daughters accident was six years ago last Saturday. Today, August 6th was her funeral. I guess I thought I would have healed more than I have. I teach young children, so each day I get up and put on what I call “my face”. Thankfully I have a long commute to work so this gives me time to work on my smile and happy face. My students really do help me, but there are still days, about three or four times a year that I just can’t seem to get out of bed and put on that face. In twelve years I never called in sick, but since Laura’s passing I call in if I know I won’t be able to give the children the attention they deserve. I am here to talk to. Please keep in touch and take care.

Permalink Reply by cindy hochreiter on September 22, 2010 at 6:19am

Hi Krisin,My name is Cindy and I to lost the sweetest little life that the good lord could have given me.He had alot of health problems from birth,But that never got in the way of us being and getting so close.He fought some tuff wars and battles but always seem to find the strength to fight back.He went threw this for 28 years. Right after Thanksgiving 2008 he got a cold,I took him to the doctors and the doctor wanted to put him in the hopital over night to check his med. levels and that was okay with me.He got the his room and they had put a trumpet in his nose for helping his breathing.A long comes this student nurses a couple hours later, rips the trumpet from his nose causing him to go into a seizure and he choked to death on his own fluids because she didnt know to roll he on his side to let the fluids drain out of his mouth.They wouldnt let us in his room,I knew in the hall that he had been taken from us.I know the feeling of no one to talk to,My own husband doesnt even want to talk out Gary.Not even the good times.I talked to my doctor he said Ild get over it in a couple of mths.Wanted to put me on an antidrepressent,No thank you I want to be intouch with my feelings.Thats just me.My mother wouldnt come to his service because she never claimed him to start off with,I have no church and no freinds,I was so releived to find this page,And I want to say to you from the bottom of my heart,I'm so so sorry for your lose.So Sorry, kristi said:

hi rose,my heart goes out to you and your family,me i lost my son on oct 7th,2006 to his friend that shot him,he was only 16 and my husband deals with it a different way,me i couldnt cope any more i went and lost my mind for like a month after he pasted.i went to a grief support group and that really helped,this might help you light a candle for 5 minutes,and write down in a journal your good thoughts about your nephew,or talk to his picuture they say to do that and another thing is they say to do and i do this because my friends and family help me out is to talk about him like he is still here.your friends will listen and your family should to.and they tell you not to hide them in the closet.so my friends and family help really good,i think i would of never made it in this world after he passed but since i did all this it has helped and my friend that i have been really close to for 11 years says to people when they ask how i am doing is she has been strong,i dont show it at my job because i had this lady loose her husband to a motorcycle accident and she cried at work and everything what i did i said i am not going to be like her and i went into see the residents 2 or 3 times before i went back to work so that we all could just be our selves.and the first day was hard but after that i was ok.it was like i was never gone from work they treated me the same.my co-workers had to come tell me it was time to come back to work after 2 weeks,and i said yes it is.well my son would of been 18 this year on sept 12th,he would of been a senior in high school and this year is really going to be hard as his friends graduate without him.i live like 3 and half hours from my parents and i feel that they didnt know what to say or do for me but just being by me was the best thing.and for you to go see your son is the best thing for you,my mom and dad have been wanting me to come down there for a couple of days and i am sad that i cant i used all my sick and vaction time up so have none.but they come to see us 2 times a year.i have adopted a highway in 2007 and i have had my family come up the weekend that he passed away so i dont have to be alone.they have been really good about that.but for your sister just let her know that your there for her and your just a phone call away if she needs you,is she married?if she isnt married maybe if she has money that you could ask her to go on the trip with you,i bet your son would like that.well have a nice trip and i hope you keep in touch.thanks for listening to.kristi

Permalink Reply by cindy hochreiter on September 22, 2010 at 6:19am

hi rose,my heart goes out to you and your family,me i lost my son on oct 7th,2006 to his friend that shot him,he was only 16 and my husband deals with it a different way,me i couldnt cope any more i went and lost my mind for like a month after he pasted.i went to a grief support group and that really helped,this might help you light a candle for 5 minutes,and write down in a journal your good thoughts about your nephew,or talk to his picuture they say to do that and another thing is they say to do and i do this because my friends and family help me out is to talk about him like he is still here.your friends will listen and your family should to.and they tell you not to hide them in the closet.so my friends and family help really good,i think i would of never made it in this world after he passed but since i did all this it has helped and my friend that i have been really close to for 11 years says to people when they ask how i am doing is she has been strong,i dont show it at my job because i had this lady loose her husband to a motorcycle accident and she cried at work and everything what i did i said i am not going to be like her and i went into see the residents 2 or 3 times before i went back to work so that we all could just be our selves.and the first day was hard but after that i was ok.it was like i was never gone from work they treated me the same.my co-workers had to come tell me it was time to come back to work after 2 weeks,and i said yes it is.well my son would of been 18 this year on sept 12th,he would of been a senior in high school and this year is really going to be hard as his friends graduate without him.i live like 3 and half hours from my parents and i feel that they didnt know what to say or do for me but just being by me was the best thing.and for you to go see your son is the best thing for you,my mom and dad have been wanting me to come down there for a couple of days and i am sad that i cant i used all my sick and vaction time up so have none.but they come to see us 2 times a year.i have adopted a highway in 2007 and i have had my family come up the weekend that he passed away so i dont have to be alone.they have been really good about that.but for your sister just let her know that your there for her and your just a phone call away if she needs you,is she married?if she isnt married maybe if she has money that you could ask her to go on the trip with you,i bet your son would like that.well have a nice trip and i hope you keep in touch.thanks for listening to.kristi

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on October 2, 2010 at 6:09pm

First, I'd like to thank Gerry for remembering my son Jordan's birthday; it would've been 27th one...although i believe he grows older as I do/am. I am not passing judgement nor am I giving suggestions to the almighty; just something I think about. I really dont think our spirit age's I do miss him...my Joe...aka= Jo-me-dan...the big baluca;( not sure if I am spelling it right...it was from his cicilian grandfather) Most people remember that day....September 11, 2001; as a day of mourning...i do too now i guess in a small way. But at that time of his birth , which was 9/11/1983...it was one of my greatest days throughout my life, my Jordans birth. In fact, in 2001 was his 18th b-day. As another really bit of trivia, my son eric's birthday was also 9-11...4 yrs apart...earlier, from my husbands 1st marraige...still, he... Eric "IS" my son. I think all went well w/the "family" getting together...all at my husbands house.... I am stopping here on that...for now. Just wanted to say thank you.
Sooooo....my dear friend, how are "YOU" doing; i imagine day by day by day...as we tend to do somehow. You have grown alot since you started here...and "I" am so glad you did. Sometimes it's just a little bit of a different perspective on things, that one of us or the other {all who come here} may share with us...and that is what gets us through each day. You , Gerry are one of my blessings on this page/site. As are many of you. I am so greatful/happy/pleased and plain ole overwelmed that you remembered Jordans B-day. Thank you LOVE N PRAYERS TO ALL...Leslie

Permalink Reply by JOANN BARNES on October 7, 2010 at 10:38pm

Our daughter, Natasha, thirty years old, never ill, a college graduate, a wonderful daughter and human being. Employed, with lousy company health insurance died, suddenly on May 20, 2010. Natasha, was refused medical service by a few "good" doctors. They would not accept her medical insurance. Natasha, had a Urinary Tract Infection, it was diagnose in the emergency room. They prescribed cippro an antibiotic, to be taken for seven days. She was to report to the clinic for follow-up care within three days. We called the clinic at the same hospital and they would not accept her insurance. Seven days later she was back in the ER. Five days later she was dead. A lot happen during her stay, in which we were trying desperately to have her removed from that medical facility. She was to be air lifted to another medical facility the day after she died.

Natasha was overweight. She had never been ill. We had attempted to buy additional insurance for her to supplement the insurance supplied by her job. She was refused medical coverage, because of a pre condiction illness, obesity. She didn't have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholestral , nothing. She was very active.

Natasha was our only child. The night she died, at 1:06 am, she died alone. I had left the hospital between 11:45 P.M. and 12:15 a.m. Jay Leno was on when I got home. She was not in distress, nor had anyone told her father and I that death was imminent, per her medical report. I never would have left my baby. We received a telephone call,approximatly 45 minutes after I got home, telling us to come to the hospital, because Natasha was very ill. The staff admitted us into the ICU area, allowing us to go to her room. We were told by one of the nurses, very rudly that she was dead. We found our daughter lying half out of the bed, her head had swollen to twice the normal size, and her eyes were filled with a yellowish fluid. The nurses or staff treated us badly. I fainted, they would not treat me, instead they called three armed security guards to escort us out of her room. My husband said a chaplain spoke with him while he was allowed to gather Natasha's personal items. He found me outside the hospital in a chair,where the security staff left me, still in shock, sitting by myself.

There is such guilt, sorrow and wishful thinking. Natasha should not have died from what they diagnose. We believe she was denied treatment that could have saved her life, because of her insurance coverage. They lied in the medical records, we order an autopsy, we were told it would be approximately 13 pages. They sent a report to our attorney totaling over 600 pages. We don't know what killed our daughter. I tell myself that her dying naturally would be easier. I don't know that we could survive, knowing that they mistreated her due to incompetence or because of her size. I tell people now, not to leave their love one alone in ICU. The doctors couldn't tell us what was causing the infection, they were treating her blindly with antibiotics, hoping one would work, instead of looking at other symptons. I know now, that she did not receive the care that others receive with some of the same medical problems.

It is almost five months, I still need medical drugs, to get through the day and nights. I miss her so much. The pain is different, prayer help, but breathing is still hard.

Her dog, Chase, just started to go back into her room. The other dog walks through quickly, but want stay. They slept in the rooms. I don't see tear traces on Chase's face, but he is still lost without her. So are we.
The death of another's child has a different meaning to me. It is no longer enough to say I'm sorry. Their pain is my pain. How do you survive, this?

Permalink Reply by Gerry Fiden on October 8, 2010 at 10:30am

Dear Joann,

My heart goes out to you for the loss of your daughter.

You ask how we survive this, the only answer I have, and probably most here will agree to is, I don't know. I can tell you though "why we survie this". We survive this for our children, because that is what they would want for us. It is one baby step at a time, one moment at a time, and one prayer at a time. Believe me when I say it is not an easy thing to do, but with faith it can be done. I am still new to this as my son was killed by a drunk driver just last Sept. 2009. Many here are years into the grief process and still struggle with the moment pain and guilt....but we are surviving.
The first 6-8 months after Ric was killed I dealt with anger and guilt, and don't really recall when it hit me that his death and how he died was written before he was even born. God has his plan and I needed to give myself back to him in the sence,he knows where we need to be. Does it mean I don't miss my son (my only child also) of course not. I still cry and miss him so much, and need/want to see the man who killed him punished. I do realize though that I can not question Gods will. Because of my sons death I have become active with MADD and we are making changes, maybe that is what I am suppose to do.
You will find your way and do whatever is right for you in your own time, in your own way. Remember no feelings are wrong. Counseling helps and speaking to your minister/priest is comforting. Live each day as it comes. Cry,question,and even laugh sometimes of memories of Natasha, do whatever it is you need to do to get through the day. Perhaps you may want to have an outside professional read her autopsy,this may help with the questions you have concerning why she died. Our healthcare system and hospitals leave much to be desired, maybe an attorney can be of some help also.
Know that you are in our prayers and can come here to vent. We understand better than anyone, as we have walked in your shoes.

God be with you,
Gerry

JOANN BARNES said:

Our daughter, Natasha, thirty years old, never ill, a college graduate, a wonderful daughter and human being. Employed, with lousy company health insurance died, suddenly on May 20, 2010. Natasha, was refused medical service by a few "good" doctors. They would not accept her medical insurance. Natasha, had a Urinary Tract Infection, it was diagnose in the emergency room. They prescribed cippro an antibiotic, to be taken for seven days. She was to report to the clinic for follow-up care within three days. We called the clinic at the same hospital and they would not accept her insurance. Seven days later she was back in the ER. Five days later she was dead. A lot happen during her stay, in which we were trying desperately to have her removed from that medical facility. She was to be air lifted to another medical facility the day after she died.

Natasha was overweight. She had never been ill. We had attempted to buy additional insurance for her to supplement the insurance supplied by her job. She was refused medical coverage, because of a pre condiction illness, obesity. She didn't have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholestral , nothing. She was very active.

Natasha was our only child. The night she died, at 1:06 am, she died alone. I had left the hospital between 11:45 P.M. and 12:15 a.m. Jay Leno was on when I got home. She was not in distress, nor had anyone told her father and I that death was imminent, per her medical report. I never would have left my baby. We received a telephone call,approximatly 45 minutes after I got home, telling us to come to the hospital, because Natasha was very ill. The staff admitted us into the ICU area, allowing us to go to her room. We were told by one of the nurses, very rudly that she was dead. We found our daughter lying half out of the bed, her head had swollen to twice the normal size, and her eyes were filled with a yellowish fluid. The nurses or staff treated us badly. I fainted, they would not treat me, instead they called three armed security guards to escort us out of her room. My husband said a chaplain spoke with him while he was allowed to gather Natasha's personal items. He found me outside the hospital in a chair,where the security staff left me, still in shock, sitting by myself.

There is such guilt, sorrow and wishful thinking. Natasha should not have died from what they diagnose. We believe she was denied treatment that could have saved her life, because of her insurance coverage. They lied in the medical records, we order an autopsy, we were told it would be approximately 13 pages. They sent a report to our attorney totaling over 600 pages. We don't know what killed our daughter. I tell myself that her dying naturally would be easier. I don't know that we could survive, knowing that they mistreated her due to incompetence or because of her size. I tell people now, not to leave their love one alone in ICU. The doctors couldn't tell us what was causing the infection, they were treating her blindly with antibiotics, hoping one would work, instead of looking at other symptons. I know now, that she did not receive the care that others receive with some of the same medical problems.

It is almost five months, I still need medical drugs, to get through the day and nights. I miss her so much. The pain is different, prayer help, but breathing is still hard.

Her dog, Chase, just started to go back into her room. The other dog walks through quickly, but want stay. They slept in the rooms. I don't see tear traces on Chase's face, but he is still lost without her. So are we.
The death of another's child has a different meaning to me. It is no longer enough to say I'm sorry. Their pain is my pain. How do you survive, this?

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 8, 2010 at 3:30pm

Hi, Kelly Gutierrez, i am trying to contact you, just cannot find your page - how have you been doing?
If you get this message, please, let me know.
Big hug and blessings. amaryllis

amaryllis said:

Hi, Kelly, I do not forget you either. We lost our sons on the same day of the same month -for me it happened in 2009. Hopefully with the Grace of God I could gradually reach a point of hope and calm. He is constantly in my mind though as you say.
It will be so good if we keep in touch with each other!
xxxxx Love.

Permalink Reply by Patrick Higgins on October 15, 2010 at 9:40am

My beautiful 10 yr old daughter Victoria died in my arms 5 yrs ago this December 20th after suffering a sudden and unexplained seizure. I miss her so much. Her 15th Birthday was October 5th. She was a triplet,and her brother and sister miss her...words fail me now.