The loss of a child

Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

• When a Baby Dies

• When an Infant Dies

• When a Teenager Dies

• Youth Suicide: How You Can Help the Survivors

• What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable

• Loss of Our Assumptive World

• The Grief of Grandparents

• Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

• After a Tragedy: What Kids Can Do

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Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 15, 2010 at 7:53pm

Hi, Patrick, so sorry for knowing the pain you are going through with the loss of your loved Victoria. We all have our hearts already broken into pieces for having lost a child and we suffer with the suffering of others as well. Not always i reply to all the comments, however everytime I make a prayer and in my thoughts I go close to the person who is writing and who is in pain. I know what you mean, Patrick, when we do not have words, as you say, to express exactly what goes in our heart.
Stay well, take good care of the other two precious son and daughter.
God bless you.
x amaryllis

Patrick Higgins said:

My beautiful 10 yr old daughter Victoria died in my arms 5 yrs ago this December 20th after suffering a sudden and unexplained seizure. I miss her so much. Her 15th Birthday was October 5th. She was a triplet,and her brother and sister miss her...words fail me now.

Permalink Reply by Julie Patton on October 20, 2010 at 10:29am

It's been 26 days since my precious girl was taken from me. Some days are just unbelievably painful that I wonder if I'm going to make it. All I can do is cry for her. My husband took me by the accident site Monday and there was a beautiful memorial on the side of the road. I still can't believe she's not here and that I'm never going to see that smiling face again. I feel like I lost everything on that tragic day. My hopes and dreams for the future. Seeing her get married to the love of her life and being there when she had her first baby. I can't get these thoughts out of my head and then there is nighttime where my thoughts drift to the accident. It's still there, the visions in my head of the accident. Waiting for some sort of sign from her to let me know that she is ok and that she didn't suffer. The police report says that she died at the scene at 8:38 AM but reported the accident happened at 8:24. That's 14 minutes. What was she thinking during those last few minutes. Was she hurt, was she scared. Was she calling out for me. This is killing me and I don't know how to handle it or move on.

I'm trying so hard not be angry or upset at the other driver for his carelessness that took her life along with his own. I just can't help it. Was being a few minutes late to work worth my daughters life? How do I get past this?

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Permalink Reply by mary on October 20, 2010 at 10:51am

Hello everyone! My son Stephens 22nd birthday was Oct 10th... ahhhh... I am grieving still so much for my sons Stephen and Vincent. I am living trying to fool myself out of the pain. Every single day..I cry. It's been two years and the pain has not eased. God must know why I am still here...Im not honestly sure...but here I am. God must care as although I feel that I want to crumble into little pieces...my body has managed to stay alive...but my mind.. I dont think will EVER EVER be the same. Nothing will be the same without them.

I am working very hard to build a skatepark in their honor. See www.pitcherpark.com That alone has taken a toll on me as well because we met with strong oppostition from some on local government and they went as far as to call my family and my sons "criminals". Instead of fighting them back, I let them make fools out of themselves as they didnt know anything about my sons or my family. The general public saw and heard what they were doing and stood by me and now they are looking down on them for having the gall to say what they did. We won our battle...it was approved and now we have to raise money to build it. I am trying to stay so strong.... Ive got to get this done in memory of them and for the children in the town where they grew up!

I dont know but there are times, that I cant believe that everything is still going on without them. I am a grandma...i should be happy...a new baby in the family...but there are times that when I look at him...i remember them when they were babies and the love and joy I had...and now they are gone. I think about how they would have loved this new baby boy as uncles. The pain in my heart is not easing..at all, but I think to myself..should it? What kind of a Mother would I be if I didn't feel this way? They were a part of me and although I feel it is normal to feel this way, it still hurts so much that I know it is taking a toll on my life and my body.

I keep praying to God...to take care of my sons, watch over them and pray that we see each other again some day. Soooo hard though....sooo hard...each and every day.

MAY GOD GRANT US ALL COMFORT AND PEACE!

Permalink Reply by Chelle on October 21, 2010 at 9:04am

Hello everyone.. i am so very sorry for your losses i've read through several of your experiences. I cannot imagine your pain i have no children myself, i am pretty much still a child! I do hope i can bring some comfort to you by sharing this article, if you cannot find it please let me know, and i'll definitely find another way to share it with you all. You are in my prayers and don't forget to pray! Remember Psalms 34:15,18
" The eyes of Jehovah are toward the righteous ones, and his ears are toward their cry for help."
"Jehovah is near to those broken at heart; and those crushed in spirit he saves."
-such powerful scriptures, they really touch my heart.

http://www.watchtower.org/e/bh/article_07.htm - link

Sincerely...

Permalink Reply by Jocelyn Zerby on November 1, 2010 at 10:54pm

LeeAnn,
You are in my prayers tonight. Its hard to believe in anything after such a nightmare, so I send my love

LeeAnn said:

Today is one yr remembrance and birthday of my son Jayden. It sounds so unemotional to say it as such that I'm in a way disgusted with myself. Yes, it is his birthday, his first. It is so unreal that it has been a yr already since we had our wreck and hit by a drunk driver. Therefore the remembrance. I dont want to remember that. It angers me so much that time has flown by and still there has been no justice or anything other than just being charged for killing my child. He does not sit in jail, he still gets to have a normal life so to speak and see his family HIS CHILDREN. Im disgusted by that. They say the courts are backed up. But that is a whole entire yr of this wound being open. I am trying. Im trying to be christian. To maybe think that this is Gods time to allow him to see his family and spend time with them before he is in jail for a long time. But, that seems so wrong, so unfair for me. I want to see my Jayden. I have wanted to hold him, to see him smile and hear him laugh. And watch him grow. A year has come and I have no memories of my Jayden other than of those of him in me. And of course at the hospital, the emergency c-section and the doctors struggling to keep him alive. Five hours my Jayden lived outside of me. Had he survived I know his life would have been just a shell. So today, time does not heal these wounds. Today I return to the same pain as it was in the begining, tomorrow will be more sorrow as it is the day he passed. I am struggling to just get myself to be better for Jayden. Im going to release balloons today at his grave. Each one will be hugs, kisses, love an my heart. I so wish it was more.

Permalink Reply by ELOY CONRAD DURAN II on November 9, 2010 at 5:55pm

Happy Birthday son, I/We love and miss you very much (Eloy Conrad Duran III DOB 11.10.1984 DOD 01.03.2010), although he is not here with us in person, we truly believe Conrads spirit will live forever in all of us that knew and loved him, especially his daughter Desirae...and, to write down a few heartfelt things to you my son Conrad, now desceased...for ten months, he was so tragically taken from us...murdered...300 days ago...this year...January 03, 2010...
First of all, you were born on November 10, 1984, a big baby weighing almost as much as your mother...no...not quite, but, even then, we knew you would be bigger than life, emotionally, psychically and mentally...you changed our lives son...forever...we realized when you were born that love life and family werent just words, rather, we learned that the true meaning of family love and life truly starts with the creation of a human being, you...that your mom and I created...and it meant so much to us to be able to see you son grow up into a very special, respectable, honest, god fearing man, who was looking forward to the rest of your life, with your daughter and family and friends...you, who would give the shirt off your back, to anyone who was in need, you, who would help anyone, all they would have to do is ask...you, who enjoyed and loved every minute of every day, you surely were the poster child "for life"...so alive, so happy...and you realized some of your most important dreams ...to be happy, to create another human being to carry on your legacy...you surely were blessed, to be able and fortunate enough, to bring into this world, another beautiful human being, your daughter Desirae...what a gift from god she is...
It is so tough to get up everyday knowing I had to bury you, instead of vice-versa, a parent should never, never, never, never have to be put in this horrific situation...it is so tough to even get to sleep at night, and when I do, the nightmares of what happened are so terrible that I wake up in a cold sweat...I should be the one who had passed on...instead of you...If I was given one wish it would be to trade places with you...if I only knew someone or something, or if I could go back in time...to right this wrong...seems nobody really cares like I do, but, I know they do, it just hurts me to hear people laughing and moving on with their lives...I know, I know, that is what we are supposed to do...I am just not there yet, but, I do hope I can eventually...start...this so-called healing process...knowing this tragedy will never ever go away, but learn to deal and maybe cope with it...because I do not know if I can do this much more...I love you and I miss you so much Conrad, guess I'll see you soon enough...

Permalink Reply by Rubytaylor on November 13, 2010 at 12:12am

If you're not you can't vote on this one because only a mother can know the severe pain and grief that comes with the death of her child. Surviving the death of your child and the grief that comes with it is your new lifestyle.

The healing process is a very long one, but together we can make it. You really believe that there hasn't been any progress and you don't think there ever will be. But believe me when I tell you that one day you will look backwards and come to know that you have taken steps forward. The other day I surprised myself when I walked outside and felt the warmth of the sun, saw the spring flowers and said "what a beautiful day!". I was shocked, then realized I had made progress.
_________________________________________________________________

Good Grief Bear is targeted towards providing the needy a helping hand to overcome the grief and the grievances that they encounter in the harsh reality of life.
URL: www.goodgriefbear.com

Permalink Reply by Beverly Strauser on November 14, 2010 at 7:11am

I wondered if any of you felt like you were on a roller coaster ride. The downs are way down and the little waves of ups are not that good either. I cry everyday, even when I may be at the grocery store or the mall. It hits me and it's so very uncontrollable. I have been a little better about getting to a bathroom or back to my car to have my personal moments. Then, I guess my mind escapes for a while and I don't have the wave of sadness which is so very awful. I just feel empty... then again this week when I was at the dentist getting a temporary crown, I was reading the instructions which included "do not use super glue". I said aloud what? The lady next to me looked wondering what the heck I was reading. I showed her the statement and she just burst out laughing. She made me giggle just listening to her laugh and everyone was looking at her. I thought, we maybe my Angel son, Doug, sent her to me to help me along the way. I do know that each of us has her/his own path of grief and it is bad no matter what. I pray that someday I can really be happy again.
Beverly (son Doug, died 23 years old, blood clot, very sudden - March 12, 2010)

Permalink Reply by Julie Patton on November 14, 2010 at 8:10am

Hi Beverly, you aren't alone with on that roller coaster ride. I go through the same thing every day. One minute I'm fine and then for no reason I just start crying uncontrollably. Every time I start to think that I'm doing a little better, it hits me all over again. I know that I'm a strong person and can usually take everything in stride. I've always been able to pick myself up if I've had a bad day but this is something that I have no control over. I can't control when the tears are going to start and that drives me crazy sometimes.

I was in the post office the other day to put in a change of address for my daughter so that her mail would come to me (she was in college in FL) and the lady behind the counter told me that I couldn't do it that my daughter had to. When I said that she couldn't because she had been in an accident (I couldn't finish the sentence) she asked if she was alright. I had to say that she didn't make it and I broke down. The lady asked if I had any other children and when I said no, that she was my only child, she preceded to ask her age and then mine. When I told her my age she waved her hand at me and said "Oh, well you're still young enough to have another one." WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I wanted so badly to reach over that counter and just smack her. I guess I know that she wasn't trying to be insensitive and I tried to remember that but it didn't matter.

I've heard so many people put a time frame on my grieving. I was talking to my best friend the other day and normally she can help get me out of my funk. I was explaining that my DH was getting on my nerves and she said that "it's only been 6 weeks since the accident. If it were a year and you were still grieving than I could understand". So, I guess I have a year and then I have to move on. Ugh! They don't get it at all. My daughter was with me for 23 years and she was the most important person in my world. She was taken so suddenly by a careless driver who was trying to pass her and couldn't make it over in time.

I'm sorry that I've gotten off track but I guess I just needed to get this out. Cindy was my world and now my she's gone. We were so close and I was so proud of that child. She was everything to me and some people just don't get that. They can't be replaced and they will NEVER be forgotten. I am so sorry for all the parents that are on this board and going through the same thing that I am. I understand how you're feeling.

Julie (Cindy's mom)
4/6/87-9/24/10

Permalink Reply by mary on November 14, 2010 at 10:04am

Julie,
I've come to the conclusion that people...just dont know what to say if they havent experienced the death of a child/children. Some times it is so painful for people to hear...they try to grasp at one good thing...no matter what it is...and with the pain in their heart that that dont know what to say or do... they blurt something out ...maybe in their own lame way...to try and say ANYTHING good...or positive. Until I suffered this loss...I only knew a few children who died...and what do you say to those people? Now I know...but I wouldnt or couldnt have mustered up any words...especially...when you break down right there. It has happened to me.... I was at a garage sale..... they were selling their Mother's things....for no reason the conversation went to my sons dieing...I broke down...they cried...and it really isnt fair to people...I felt bad...they were very sympathetic but...ya know? I didnt know them from Adam!
I know it cant be helped.,,, it happens to me just talking to people...seeing things.. I personally believe that there is no physical pain that a human can experience and endure that even comes close to the constant mental and physical pain of losing a child. You can be distracted....but only mommentarily...and the pain returns full force. Honestly, I don't know if it can be controlled...it just is and probably will always be. Trying to come to grips with it ...... is the hardest feat God has ever put before me.... that's all I can say.....

I keep telling myself.... Im here for a reason.... I have two other sons, unlike you...but... nothing or anyone really replaces what you've lost. My other two sons are trying to move on...they have their whole lives ahead of them...marriage...children.... new houses... while I sit here wondering if I can ever be happy again...how can I be? Half of my family is gone... my whole reason for living! This Thanksgiving when only half of us are sitting there.... I am going to try to give thanks for the time I had with them and for the loving sons God gave me and also pray to God that my sons are together...watching out over all of us and PRAY THAT WE WILL SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN SOON.

I pray that although the pain will never go away...that God grants us peace in our hearts...and allows us to live on to help each other through this time in our lives.

Julie Patton said:

Hi Beverly, you aren't alone with on that roller coaster ride. I go through the same thing every day. One minute I'm fine and then for no reason I just start crying uncontrollably. Every time I start to think that I'm doing a little better, it hits me all over again. I know that I'm a strong person and can usually take everything in stride. I've always been able to pick myself up if I've had a bad day but this is something that I have no control over. I can't control when the tears are going to start and that drives me crazy sometimes.

I was in the post office the other day to put in a change of address for my daughter so that her mail would come to me (she was in college in FL) and the lady behind the counter told me that I couldn't do it that my daughter had to. When I said that she couldn't because she had been in an accident (I couldn't finish the sentence) she asked if she was alright. I had to say that she didn't make it and I broke down. The lady asked if I had any other children and when I said no, that she was my only child, she preceded to ask her age and then mine. When I told her my age she waved her hand at me and said "Oh, well you're still young enough to have another one." WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I wanted so badly to reach over that counter and just smack her. I guess I know that she wasn't trying to be insensitive and I tried to remember that but it didn't matter.

I've heard so many people put a time frame on my grieving. I was talking to my best friend the other day and normally she can help get me out of my funk. I was explaining that my DH was getting on my nerves and she said that "it's only been 6 weeks since the accident. If it were a year and you were still grieving than I could understand". So, I guess I have a year and then I have to move on. Ugh! They don't get it at all. My daughter was with me for 23 years and she was the most important person in my world. She was taken so suddenly by a careless driver who was trying to pass her and couldn't make it over in time.

I'm sorry that I've gotten off track but I guess I just needed to get this out. Cindy was my world and now my she's gone. We were so close and I was so proud of that child. She was everything to me and some people just don't get that. They can't be replaced and they will NEVER be forgotten. I am so sorry for all the parents that are on this board and going through the same thing that I am. I understand how you're feeling.

Julie (Cindy's mom)
4/6/87-9/24/10

Permalink Reply by JOANN BARNES on November 14, 2010 at 8:05pm

niki corona said:

your family is always the best medicine to help you with loss and pain you feel.when people say you still have ur husband and other children not for you to forget your loss of a child but to help you at your weakest that is what gets me when im down my husband and 2 kids yes i will forever miss our son jacob but i have to live life because i know our son is fine in heaven of cousre it would of been better in my arms but god called for jacob and his mission on earth is done. when our time is up on earth we will be with our loved ones again just keep faith and family in your heart .i was only 7 months preg when jacob passed to heaven gates i never was mad at god but in my heart our son was chosen to serve in heaven but yes i have sad moments but i let it out and it hurts but i know in time it will heal not to forget but to be ok god bless
mary said:
You do not have to do, think or say anything you dont want to. You can feel any way you want to. Cry, scream, shout, go to your room turn out the lights, turn music up really loud....it's all ok!

Everyone deals with things in different ways...It doesn't seem like life should go on without him...it does however... I walked around in a daze...wondering why people were still laughing, why families were out together shopping, why, why why everything...... I didnt want to eat....I couldnt sleep... i didnt want to be alive and sometimes I feel all those ways all over again and it's all ok!

Please just try and understand that when anyone suggests anything or trys to comfort you they have no clue....none... what to say or do...but that's ok too!
They care about you...they do...no matter how you think they are handling things...at least they are there for you...when you need to scream, cry, etc.
Try to understand this although i know it's really hard.... but don't push them away ... you need them...maybe it seems not right now...but you will.

I know exactly how you feel... it's a whirling pain in your head..anxiety to the highest level.....the thoughts.. the loss...the everything swirls in and out of your head..your body aches everywhere ......it is instinctive...your Motherly instincts are saying ...what if...where is he..is he ok...please God why him, why us, why me.... it goes deep into your soul as a Mother...it affects us differently...they were a part of us... but they still are and always will be.

Please dont push yourself too hard.... let all those feelings come in and try to understand them...it ok to feel any way you do and when you do think of your son and try to think of him in good ways...any way you can.

My two sons died on July 15, 2010 when they drowned together.... I think I am writing this more for me than I am for you. I look ok on the outside...but if anyone could begin to feel what we do on the inside..... well you understand but many others dont.... please take good care of yourself.
Mary

Scott's lost mom said:
Another day without my son. I am screaming in my head. The pain is so intense that I feel faint at times. How could he do this? Why did he do this? What did I miss? How did life turn out like this? I am trying so hard but if one more person touches me, I am going to scream loud. If my husband says one more stupid thing to me "we still have our daughter" "we can still have a life" I might commit murder.

Why don't they leave me alone? My son is dead!!!! My heart is broken, I hurt in every fiber of my body. They eat, they drink, they swim in the pool. I am so close to snapping. My baby has been gone 24 days!!! Leave me alone!!! but they don't.

How do I get them all to go away?

Permalink Reply by JOANN BARNES on November 14, 2010 at 8:31pm

We all feel the pain, pray for understanding, peace and the will to go on.

I couldn't breathe, I had to actually take deep breath and I wanted to die, when we lost Tasha. It didn't make sense. It has been almost six months. I feel differently, the pain is different, but manageble. I too, take medication when the anxiety and sadness overwhelms me.

I ask why, when we know that as we live, we will die. The choice of who goes is not ours. It dosen't comfort but I think I find some peace, in knowing that one day I will leave here, becausee dying is apart of life.

I talk to her and I have a picture where I feel her presence, the light hits it and it seems almost as if she is there with me.

You will have days where you don't want to survive this. Then there will be days when you know that you will. I wish I could rejoice in the gift of her life and find peace with her leaving. Don't try to close the hole in your life by yourself. Your husband and child are in pain also. When I am at my weakness, Natasha's father is my strength, when he is weak I am his. Sometimes, we are both lost in our pain. You need your family and support to get through this. Your child would want you to live and follow the path that is your life. Just as he has followed the path that was his. Sometimes, we are not meant to live long lives. I wish we didn't grieve, didn't mourn, but could celebrate the blessing of the gift we received, no matter how short. A child's love is so pure and such a blessing. So, you and I and all of us in our pain, still received the greatest blessing there is, the all accepting love of a child.

Hug your husband, your child, your family and friends, let them carry you. Know one expects you to be strong. I really dislike for anyone to ask how I am doing. What am I suppose to say? I am grieving, I lost my love and I have to find a way to live my life, following my path. When it's time to leave this earth, I want be afraid, because somewhere my daughters' soul awaits me.

As you can see, death is a part of our existence. The person next to you icould be in as much pain as you, as I found out from a nurse who was attending me. We cried together over the loss of our child.

You are not alone, allow others to carry you. It is a heavy burden. I am told that the way we feel will become bearable, not forgettable, but a memory of love and acceptance.