Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

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Replies to This Discussion This is my Joes site, feel free to check it out
Well, I wasn't quite sure if I am ready for this, but I feel today I am. My son, who turned 21 on Ausust 31st, died in a one car accident on Sept 21 08...there were 7 people crammed into the suv, and for some reason, my son with an IQ over 150 took the cargo area in back with another young man.
The driver was apparently driving 70 mph in town through a residential area, he blew through a stop sign, and went about 1/4 mile down a church parking lot, barely hitting his brakes and drove off a cliff, when he did so, he must have seen the large trees and turned his wheel to the right, causing them to flip when they hit some metal cable barrier cables.
This vehicle looked like it had not even been in an accident, except the back 4 feet where my son and the other young man were.The neither of them, died from the top of the truck pushing them into the bottom, but both died a senseless death of positional asphyxia, due to all the others just running and not helping them.
My life feels like it has caved in on me. He was my baby of 4 children, and just weeks earlier when I was in the hospital he worked at we spent a lot of time together, I needed forgiveness from him, and told him how bad I felt that he got the bad end of the deal all of the time, my divorce was when he was 12, so even when it was time for his first car, his step dad didn't get him one as he did the others.
I think we both felt, crazy as it sounds, that we didn't want to be responsible for handing him a car to kill himself in...he had ADD and when I finally gave him my car at graduation, he had had 4 small-med accident in it in 6 months.
I decided to have him sign the car back over to me, I had always had nightmares as did others in the family, that he would go this way.He reallly hated me awhile for taking the car back, but I couldn't live with that guilt if that call ever know...the call all parents have nightmares about when they're children are working to become adults?
I got that call about 10 am on sunday, sept 21...I had been single and lived alone for 6 yrs prior to this accident, the day before I just happened to move in with a male room mate.
When my older son called, just hearing him crying, my body went numb...his wife got on the phone...I didnt hear much...John...accident...I said but he is ok!! he is ok right?
she just said noooo and I lost my mind screaming, I fell and thank God there were people around, I was 3 hours away from where the rest of the family lived, that was the longest ride of my life.
I am so thankful that just weeks before we made our peace, well he let me know it was no big deal and he understood now WHY I did son had just become a man...and now he is gone.
I feel part of my heart was taken with him, because his body was considered a 'crime scene' I couldn't see him, so the coroner showed me pics from the scene...if I can give any mom advice, I would have to say, dont look..I feel his injuries, I will wake up feeling crushed with my throat closed in pure panic.And those images never leave my mind...I see his beautiful pics and immediatly my mind flashes to how he looked 15 yrs older after he died..those minutes it took him to die, my God, I wish I could have taken that for him.I would have taken his place without a second thought, but now I am left with a ton of unanswered questions, none makes any sense, none of his injuries were fatal (dislocated shoulder and 2 broken ribs)his left arm was reached over the back seat where he was holding his friends hand as he died, he first grabbed him, and apparently all he could do is hold his hand, he only will say John was "stoic" meaning he was the only one in the car not screaming, makes sense since I know his airway was compromised.
This is the only time in 20 yrs I wish I wasn't a nurse, but how hard is it if u can reach a hand, to move a head? God I am so filled with questions...I cried on the hill above where he died talking to him a week or so after, begging him to let me know somehow that he didn't suffer...I was rocking back and forth on the edge of the cliff...I jumped up suddenly realizing I had relaxed so deeply I almost fell asleep, I had a warmth I hadn't felt since my last hug from him..a second conversation with him I had at the cemetery,I was telling him I just wanted to be with was a beautiful almost indian summer September...very few clouds in the soon as I said I wanted to join him the 1 cloud up there covered the sun and it got very cold...John was a comedian in life..always trying to make people feel better, so my immediate response to the chill was OK! OK! I know I have to stay here and I have family still to look after..the sun then shone again brightly and it warmed up family doesn't believe once your dead you can as I told my daughter this she you need to go to a Hospital?? I said, noo...he let me know, he was ok.
I also heard him at the cliff as I was relaxing, right before I almost fell asleep I hear " Don't cry mommy, don't cry" over and over like a cheer, and every few times there was a second voice (I lost a baby during pregnancy) That really shocked me..but that is how I chose to interpret it.
It's been a little over 4 months now, and the loss is as raw as it was 4 months ago, so I thought I might come here and communicate with other moms.
Thank you for your time..
Dear Carie,
We all have felted your pain, and your joy. Feeling John on that cliff was his way of said okay mom you can live now because I am okay. My son Daniel died 5 months ago and I still hear him talking and in the middle of the night I hear him say I Love you momma.Just like he did that last night he left to go out with friends.And when I sit outside with my granddaughter and she talking to her uncle Daniel like he sitting right next to her. She only 2. So I glad you shared your story. Because now you know you are okay, and you are among friend who feel you and know what you are going through.Thanks for listerning
susan wright
I'm new to this site, but I needed to find a way to share with others who actually know what i'm experiencing at this time. After reading thru the discussions, I know that there are many of you out there feeling as I do. I lost my ONLY child (a son age 24), monday before this past thanksgiving to a massive heart attack. Initially I was numb and once the numbness wore off, I began to try to wrap my head around the fact that my only child is gone. I don't like when people constantly ask me "how are you doing". How do you express to someone, no i'm not alright but can't explain what i'm actually feeling. Sometime I question myself to the reality of it, but the pain can be so great at times, it feels like someone is pulling constantly at your heart. I get up each morning telling myself that i'm better than the day before, but then I feel like i'm just going thru the motions each day. I was raised in a very spiritual home and I raised my son the same way, but sometime it makes you feel angry at God, because you don't understand why this is happening in your life at this time. No parent want to have to bury their child and from reading your replies there are many of us. I'm open to anyone that can help me just to deal with each day.
Oh Andra, I'm so sorry. The holidays must have been extremely difficult for you. Had your son experienced heart problems before, or was it completely out of the blue?
Dear Andra,

Welcome to the site.This is a place to write all your emotion down, because, we have been their. I am deeply sorry for your lost. If their something that is personal that on your mind get a book a write in it. I have found that writting an express myself has help me move on. It been 5 months since i lost Daniel. He wasn't my only child. He was my second child but,my first child is 29, Daniel was 23 and then my daughter third child is 14. I always say I am going to try to make today better than yesterday, sometime it works and sometime it don't. I just try a little harder the next day. We always blame God because it just easier to blame someone that not here. I have found talking to his picture and talk about him in the present tense help me too.You have to find want you can handle. It not going to be easy at first, but, it will get easier in time. What time for me may not be time for you. I will keep you in my prayer and thought. Thank for listern .
Susan Wright
hi there andra, i wanted to say that everything that you are feeling i have also felt. i lost my son when was 13. i do have twin girls though. that makes it a little easier. as time goes by it gets easier i guess. theres not a day that goes by and i dont think about him or miss him.i find myself takin to him like he is there. all we have now is the memories of our sons. we have to keep them close and in our hearts. now i have angel with me at all times.
hi crystal,how many years has it been since your son passed away?mine has been 2 years and i still have trouble.we had a tradegy and what i went throu i felt for the parents,my son was 16 on oct 7th,2006 his friend was messing with a gun unloaded it and forgot that one was in there and pointed it at my son pulled the trigger and he was gone from us.and the tradegdy that happened a week ago really hurt me.i couldnt sleep or anything.this young kid was 17 and he got stabbed in the eye and heart still hurts for the family,but i told the parents i knew what they were going throu.but i just wanted to know how many years has your son been gone?my son and daughter joke about my son that is gone.because they dont want to hurt my youngest son has been missing school his stomach hurts,and i just tell him if he misses my son than cry that might be why he has a belly ache all the does your twins deal with the loss of there brother?if i can ask you that.well take care and keep in touch kristi
my son has been gone for 2 years. january 15th made 2 years. it has been rough for my whole family. my girls they know that my son is in a better place and that he is in heaven watching over us. whe he first past they asked why him? still til this day i can't answer that question. the doctors couldn't even tell me why? i try to keep them busy and we keep my sons spirit alive. we have lots of pictures and his friends still come over like when he was here. is room is the same and they wont let me change it. thier not ready to let go and i dont think they will. my one daughter writes his name on everything. they spend time in his room playing the game.
I lost my older daughter at the young age of 23.
At age 16 we found she had epilepsy. We had the chance to give her a full life for the next 7 years. She lived her life to the fullest even with the great challenge of siezures. She was just about to graduate from college and get married.
My desire is to find a support group for myself to join with other people that have lost there own child in the same way.
My son got sick and started having siezures never stop having them until the day i took him off life support! the drs couldn't figure out why and couldn't stop them.. that makes me very mad!! he was a healthy 13 year old and out of no wheres he was sick. the siezures made him brain dead.. to give your child life nad have to take it.. it does something to a person. i will never be the same person i was..
All of these family stories are so hearbreaking. It does help knowing we are all here for one another, and when we say, " I know what your going through," we do and that helps. One of the hardest things I have thought about, is that we as parents, are not suppose to outlive our child.That is difficult in itself. On the other hand for me, my son Joe was always dependant on me. Since he was itty bitty, he has alot of concerns and issues. When he became very ill, last year and i took care of him 24/7, feedings, wound care, iv meds, catheter care,yopu name it. I worried that if something happened to me, what would that do to him, mentally. So I have ping ponged those feelings a long time. I guess its better, that I am the one suffering this pain, rather than him. I sound so grown up huh? well, it is still so difficult, and I miss him so very much. he was the center of my whole world, and now I am living in a different mode.Whew! Last Valentines day, he was in the ICU and was already going downhill. I bought this HUGE valentine balloon, that sang, I got you babe. He actually did turn his head to hear it and a small smile. I keep hearing that tune in my mind. and on valentines day, it will be 3 months since he left me. I think it will be tough. I am glad for all of you out there and I know we have built a friendship that we can all count on. Hang in there. I dont remember, if I posted before, but have you read the poem, The Dash? awesome, look online. just type in the dash and it should get you started to the right direction. Take care all and I am sending a big hug!!!!


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