Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Twila, I do understand and know what u're feeling at this time. Take comfort in the fact that you have your granddaughter to live on through him. My son passed away at the age of 24, never married nor any children and he was my only child. I know it seems really hard now, but it's one step at a time. Don't give up on yourself or your family. Take pleasure in all of your memories with him.
To all else who may be reading, I joined a grief support group here in my area. They work through griefshare.org. There are support groups thoughout the country set up by griefshare. Check the site to see if there's a group in your area that may assist you. It's a really good program set up to help us understand the stages of grief. I pray for us all to heal as we try to go on with life without our children
HI ANDRA,YES I HAVE BEEN IN SUPPORT GROUP FOR 2 YEARS,MY SON HAS BEEN GONE ALMOST 2YEARS AND 4 MONTHS.I LIKE TO GO,PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR GOING THROU.I HAVE A 21 YEAR OLD AND A 13 YEAR OLD I DO WORRY ABOUT MY 13 YEAR OLD ALOT.BUT YES I GAVE UP AND THAN I PULLED MYSELF TOGETHER FOR MY OTHER CHILDREN.THANKS FOR SHARING THOU
There are no support group in my area. But thanks for your words I know I have my grand daughter but I want my son to be here and I know that it could never be I it is hard to accept I wrote a poem for my son and try to write how Im feeling but it is so hard...I dont want the snow to go away because it covers everything. And for the first time in my life I hated New Years to come because it meant a new year without my son here..I ask this question over and over How do you make it without your child everyday how????And I see other parents who have lost their child and I wonder how do they do it everyday..its so hard.
hi again,it is hard but you have to make the best of it for your granddaughter.and your children.i loose sleep so i can think about him and cry for him while i am by myself,because my 13 year old always thinks he has to take care of me when i cry,i dont think it should be him saying are you alright i think it should be my husband,my husband and my son use to play warcraft and so thatss how my husband is dealing with his death.can i send you some support group stuff if you will let me,it will help you alot.we lost a 17year old friend of my sons and i sent them a support group package because it will help you to read it.or you know would you be willing to read a book,go to your library and see if they have traveling light oh you would love that book,i couldnt put it down.and it is about caring baggge and stuff it is so neat to read.please let me know ok they have it on ebay to because i just ordered one.i read it and i want my whole family to read it.thanks and good luck if you need some one to talk to i am here.or can i ask you do you have yahoo or myspace messanger?i do and i could give you my yahoo ok.thanks
Dear Twila,
I can say without hesitation that I do not know how my husband and I get through each day. In the beginning I would say it was my faith in God and the comfort in knowing our Laura was with Him and our loved ones who had passed. Although I continue to believe in our eternal outcome, my life here has continued to be a trial. First, as you asked, "How do you make it without your child everyday?" Two year after we lost Laura my dad passed. God love his soul, he never got passed this loss. He not only grieved for Laura, I know he felt enormous pain watching his daughter (me) in so much pain. Since I have lost out daughter and my dad our surviving daughter, Sarah, has been diagnosed with a progressive form of multiple sclerosis. This is such a devastating blow to my family, because her MS has taken away much of her independence and eventually, perhaps as early as ten years, she too will be taken from us. I have read about people who have lost more than one child and could not imagine ever losing another of my children. Everyday I put on my "face" and go to work (I teach young children). I thank God for these young people who help me get throught he day.
My husband was especially close to Laura. She was an accomplished hockey goalie and he was very involved in her athletic adventures. She earned an academic scholarship at a prep school where she was a first-string goalie. It was her dream. My husband would travel the 350+ miles (depending on where her games were) to watch her play. I know he misses her greatly, but he is unable to talk about her passing (where as I want to talk), but he visits her grave frequently (where as I am unable) even snowshoeing there in the winter. My mom and my husband keep Laura's burial sight impeccable, and I am thankful for this.
Twila, a grandchild is a blessing I may never know; however as special as they are they do not replace your child. The new year is such a difficult time (our Sarah was diagnosed with MS only 12 days into the new year) - another year without Laura. I hate it! Losing a child is the most horrific event one can experience. My thoughts are with all of you who have a child who is an angel.
I wrote this for my son and friends to give them a little understanding on how I felt...

Thursday, January 15, 2009
About my world now...
After you have loss someone who is a part of you there is this buzz of activity with family, relatives and friends coming together there is comfort in the closeness of family and friends in sharing tears and hugs and the being there for you..The Services give a meaning and hope as the community gathers around us in love and support. When everything is over family, relatives and friends go home and back to their lives, we are left to enter a strange but different world where this one person that gave you meaning in your life is gone..now there are spaces in my mind and spaces in my days and nights. And when we least expect it the heartache of pain comes back and back like the waves on the ocean crashing down on the sand over and over again. And this goes on for a very long time for days and I have now been told years because the loved one loss was so close to me my child..But Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry and talk about him than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him and I need to do it over and over. So be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying, sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may start. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand. Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don’t want to upset me. You can't catch my grief because it is always there. If you don’t' know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm and gently say "I'm Sorry". You can even say "I just don't know what to say" but I care, and want you to know that. Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have the time to find out. I am not strong right now I am just numb and in shock. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me..I will not recover, this is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick I am grieving and that's the different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but the person I was when he was here with me. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same person I was Never..
I will not always be grieving as intensely but I will never forget my son and rather than recover I want to remember his life and the love of a mother I shared with my son for the rest of my life. He was a part of me and always will be and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear and both are okay.
I don’t have to accept his death but yes I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is gone so please don’t make it worse by telling me I'm not doing it right. I don't even understand what you mean when you say "you've got to move on and get on with your life" or "you have other children." My life is going on I have been forced too. I will never be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today and know that your love and support will help me to find the joy that will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I will cry. I need to know that you care about me I need to be hugged and feel your touch. I need to be with you my friends and family. I need to know you believe in me and my ability to get through my grief in my own way and in my own time. Please don't say " Call me if you need anything" I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So in advance, let me give you some ideas:
1. Come over and see me visit with me only if you have the time to really hear how I feel that day.
2. Talk about my son to me and be sure to mention his name you can't make me cry the tears are always there.
3. Ask me more then once to join you to do anything I may say no at first or even for awhile but please don't give up on me. Because somewhere down the line I may be ready and if you've given up then I’m really be alone.
4. Understand how difficult it if for me to be surrounded by people and families with their children knowing that one of mine is gone.
Please don’t judge me now or think that I’m behaving strangely. Remember I’m grieving and in shock and I’m afraid. I’m feeling angry because I ask myself over and over WHY! WHY! And get no answer.. I hate that we have to live to die, I should be the one to go first but then I stop and think well there is a reason god wanted him because he was the best son a mother could ask for…But above all I hurt I am experiencing pain unlike any I have ever felt in my life and one that cannot be imagined by anyone that has not walked in these shoes of losing a child. When your child has shared hopes and dreams with you and you wanted nothing in the world for them to get them dreams and hopes..Don’t worry, if you think I am getting better and then suddenly I slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way. And please don’t tell me you know how I feel or that it’s time to get on with my life for my other children. Because what I need now is time and understanding to grieve my son. Most of all thank you for just being there your thoughts and prayers and patience and most of all thank you very much for caring.
Remember in the days or years ahead, when you need me as I have needed you I will be there to give you what you have given me Patience and understanding and most importantly caring.
Signed Twila Aulaumea for my Son Siaosi Aulaumea Jr. 09-17-1990-12-12-2008
this was so nice,that is how i feel to.may i share it with some of my friends.it might help them to understand what i am going throu to.thanks
Sure I will look at anything and take anything you can offer. I need to understand what to do with all the feelings. I wished we had a support group meeting here I would go..thank you for understanding what I am going thru it is good to know that. thank you again
My URL: myspace.com/twilasspace THIS IS MYSPACE ALSO THANK YOU TO FOR YOUR WORDS AND UNDERSTANDING..
twila,i have been in the same place you have been,my son was suppose to graduate this year,may 31st.and i feel we could be good together writing to each other when that time comes.what i did for the graduates this year i asked them first was to see if they would wear a button of everette down for graduation and i got them all one and they said they would wear them i want to do more they are going to give us a gradution page in the year book,they took donations to give us a year book.we have support still from the community.i didnt like hugs after my son died i am getting back to were i get them again.i couldnt for the longest time.i will write to you,on my space,if you dont get that book,would you like me to write the book on myspace and than you can read it there.it is a good book i couldnt put it down once i started reading it.but i have to work tomorrow but i will keep you in my thoughts ok.just keep your head up and say i can do this today,you know go by a card for your son and take it out to the cemetary to him and read it to him.my mom sends my son one for his birthday i go get him what she wants and put a card and flowers.tomorrow i will just go out there,he use to make me breakfast in bed and that was so special even on mothers day that is the day i really have trouble.but when i get the book back from my friend i will start writing it ok.take care and keep writing to us ok.thanks
A poem I wrote for my son 09-17-1990 to 12-12-2008

My Son:
I Miss you


It's been a short time,since you've been gone. I pray every day to be strong and carry on, but I miss you
I think of you every day, I never knew the pain of losing you my son could hurt like this and my tears start to flow. Your memories will always remain, inside my heart even when my heart is torn apart.
the emptiness is so lonely, it seems I won't make it another day and I remember your smile and
I remember you told me secrets, I hold so dear to my heart
and we talked about so many things, I could not say
And now you've gone, so far away.
I only wish, you could've stayed.
I miss and love you, my heart is so empty and broke.
I wish I could've held you my son for one last time before you had to go. But I know God only calls the best home. You taught me one last thing before you left, and that was to be strong and carry on.
You said you would always take care of me. So take my hand and guide me there. And save me a place, for one day for us to share. I love you my son Mom
Twila, and everyone. So many replies today, i feel like I am missing someone but anyway, i lost my son joe, nov 14th. your words seem as though you are inside my feelings. I think all of this is normal, and we will feel what we feel. i love your poem and letter. i find comfort in doing things like that as well. In a healthy way, we need to keep their life going on. We all know they are gone, but to me whatever I can do that helps me get through. I go through the motions. I was joes sole caretaker for so long, that I really didnt have a Linda. So now I am having to do a 360, and wow, what a challenge. I was told by a friend, take baby steps. I understand what she means now. You all are great and this is the best place for us to be, with oneanother, and we know we can always count on each other.

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