The loss of a child

I found this site by accident today and wanted to thank all of you for your stories and words of encouragement. I lost my youngest son on June 13th due to a drug overdose. I went in his room to wake him up and found him dead on his bedroom floor. I never thought I would have to go through this again. I lost an infant daughter 21 years ago. I have two others sons and a daughter. I don't know what do with myself, the first week was busy with arrangements and visits from family. Now everyone has seemed to jump back into life and I can not seem to leave my bedroom. I know I need to stay strong for the rest of my childern, I just don't know how.

Lisa,
I know what you mean when my son died on 12/12/2008 and everything was over I did not know what to do after everyone just went home and it was us alone all these people until we buried him and then nothing for a few days and your left in shock what do I do now is what I thought. I stayed in bed for 1 week only to get up and go to his grave and sit there asking why? I could not think of anything else my heart was crushed I kept think how do I get through this how? But it has not been 6 months and it is still hard but I write poems quotes I hear so people will understand me and my feelings..He was going to graduate this pass spring that was hard now his daughter my granddaughter is turning 1 years old on the 4th of July and we had plans me and my son when she was born now I dont know what to do...I got an invitation from her mother but I dont even want to go because my son is not going to be there...but for her my granddaughter I will. Some days I feel I'm going crazy. It is so hard to talk to anyone or think of anything but about what happen I know I hated it I miss him so much so much..but if you ever what someone to just listen I can and I care we understand each other mother to mother the pain heartache emptiness.
take gentle care
Twila

Permalink Reply by Georiga on June 30, 2009 at 3:11pm

I lost my 14 month old daughter in a car wreck in October of 2001. I still miss her soooo very much. I've read the stories by other people in similar situations and it's heartbreaking. I was lucky enough to have another child after, but I can't help but think something is missing, there should be two. I know that sounds pretty ungrateful, but I can't help it. My little girl I have now means so much to me and I'm so overprotective of her it isn't even funny. I don't want her resenting me in the future. I'm at a loss.
The nightmares have started again (happens every year starting about July through November) and I'm a wreck. I've tried therapy and everything under the sun. She would have been nine years old on August 28th and it seems like this just gets harder every year. The first two years I spent numb and drugged out in therapy and I can now drive my car, but the pain and the nightmares....I try to be strong for the child I have but I feel I'm failing. I NEVER let her see me fall apart. I've got some control, but when she's with her dad for visitation, I sometimes cry myself to sleep most nights. I'm hoping that putting this out here will put me in touch with others in my situation and maybe they can show me how I can begin to heal myself. God bless you and thank you for reading this.
Georgia

Permalink Reply by Twila on July 6, 2009 at 2:01pm

Georiga said:

I lost my 14 month old daughter in a car wreck in October of 2001. I still miss her soooo very much. I've read the stories by other people in similar situations and it's heartbreaking. I was lucky enough to have another child after, but I can't help but think something is missing, there should be two. I know that sounds pretty ungrateful, but I can't help it. My little girl I have now means so much to me and I'm so overprotective of her it isn't even funny. I don't want her resenting me in the future. I'm at a loss.
The nightmares have started again (happens every year starting about July through November) and I'm a wreck. I've tried therapy and everything under the sun. She would have been nine years old on August 28th and it seems like this just gets harder every year. The first two years I spent numb and drugged out in therapy and I can now drive my car, but the pain and the nightmares....I try to be strong for the child I have but I feel I'm failing. I NEVER let her see me fall apart. I've got some control, but when she's with her dad for visitation, I sometimes cry myself to sleep most nights. I'm hoping that putting this out here will put me in touch with others in my situation and maybe they can show me how I can begin to heal myself. God bless you and thank you for reading this.
Georgia

Hi Georgia,
My name is Twila I am the same way its only been 6 months since my son has gone but I hurt everyday and just dont let up even just a little..I miss him so much he was 18 and was hit by a truck walking home on 12-12-2008 it has been hard I cry when I go to sleep and when I get up. It helps and I try to think of him in a better place but its the wondering what he be saying to me or wanting to see him so much I think it dont get better it just gets a littler bearable the pain..you never really let them go ever. I have my daughter's and I bad I dont like them being away from me and I have to know where they are at all times. My world is not the same and me to I have a hole in my heart. I think I could died from a broken heart i would. I miss him so much and sometimes when I watch TV or a movie and I see someone hit by a car or something I just start crying so hard I think that is him...he was my baby boy and how I miss him. He did have a little girl my granddaughter but I dont get to see her as much as I would like.. she is so her dad..Her birthday was July 4th, 2009 and I could not bring my self to go everyone was there and in my mind I knew my son is not there and I could not face it I cried all day..but later I went when everyone was gone and I took her and kept her for awhile..we just did all the family stuff on holidays but my son is not here its so hard...and now that its over the 4th I feel so lonely and empty..almost lost..there is just a piece of me gone and will never be whole ever my took it with him..dam I hate life sometimes..the pain is to much some times.
take care
Twila

Permalink Reply by joni turk on July 6, 2009 at 11:45pm

so much grief, so much pain, so much love lost. i have lost both my twin sons and my youngest boy in the past nine years. i am not sure i have fully grieved as i am so busy taking care of the rest of our family. one twin died in 2000 at age 24, the second aged 30 in 2006 and the youngest age 30 on thanksgiving day 2008. how much can one family take? i also pray and grieve for all of you who have lost. i don't think i really know what grief is as it feels like i am still in a dreamworld. maybe this is Gods way of helping me, being the one who holds everyone up. i pray every day for our four daughters safety and their families. maybe i did not pray enough before. i just don't know. i have no answers.

Twila said:

Georiga said:
I lost my 14 month old daughter in a car wreck in October of 2001. I still miss her soooo very much. I've read the stories by other people in similar situations and it's heartbreaking. I was lucky enough to have another child after, but I can't help but think something is missing, there should be two. I know that sounds pretty ungrateful, but I can't help it. My little girl I have now means so much to me and I'm so overprotective of her it isn't even funny. I don't want her resenting me in the future. I'm at a loss.
The nightmares have started again (happens every year starting about July through November) and I'm a wreck. I've tried therapy and everything under the sun. She would have been nine years old on August 28th and it seems like this just gets harder every year. The first two years I spent numb and drugged out in therapy and I can now drive my car, but the pain and the nightmares....I try to be strong for the child I have but I feel I'm failing. I NEVER let her see me fall apart. I've got some control, but when she's with her dad for visitation, I sometimes cry myself to sleep most nights. I'm hoping that putting this out here will put me in touch with others in my situation and maybe they can show me how I can begin to heal myself. God bless you and thank you for reading this.
Georgia

Hi Georgia,
My name is Twila I am the same way its only been 6 months since my son has gone but I hurt everyday and just dont let up even just a little..I miss him so much he was 18 and was hit by a truck walking home on 12-12-2008 it has been hard I cry when I go to sleep and when I get up. It helps and I try to think of him in a better place but its the wondering what he be saying to me or wanting to see him so much I think it dont get better it just gets a littler bearable the pain..you never really let them go ever. I have my daughter's and I bad I dont like them being away from me and I have to know where they are at all times. My world is not the same and me to I have a hole in my heart. I think I could died from a broken heart i would. I miss him so much and sometimes when I watch TV or a movie and I see someone hit by a car or something I just start crying so hard I think that is him...he was my baby boy and how I miss him. He did have a little girl my granddaughter but I dont get to see her as much as I would like.. she is so her dad..Her birthday was July 4th, 2009 and I could not bring my self to go everyone was there and in my mind I knew my son is not there and I could not face it I cried all day..but later I went when everyone was gone and I took her and kept her for awhile..we just did all the family stuff on holidays but my son is not here its so hard...and now that its over the 4th I feel so lonely and empty..almost lost..there is just a piece of me gone and will never be whole ever my took it with him..dam I hate life sometimes..the pain is to much some times.
take care
Twila

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on July 10, 2009 at 1:36am

Ms. Joni,
My heart goes out to you and all those that have lost their children. My six-year old Elijah Anthony Kay Wheatley passed away Nov. 1, 2008 because of the carelessness of people in my family that used drugs, and he consumed whatever it was that was left in his path. And I lost him. And, well everything after that is just pretty much a nightmare. My family was led the police and I to believe for the longest time that the matter was just a freak accident, but it wasn't. They left my son to lay dying for almost four hours before notifying me or seeking emergency help. I thought I was going to be okay, but lately I have been coming some what unglued. I'm just really getting tired of the indifference. Like, I can't cry "sometimes." I think I identified with you, because I don't have constant meltdowns, I just wish sometimes that people would have some respect for when I am upset. To lose a son, I'm not saying that anything is easier, but this is simply inexpressible. To lose a first son, my mind always takes me back to the bible, it's like a curse you know. It is just a really terrible experience. Then for someone that was so strong and beautiful, and so full of life to be taken away, or to pass away, it is very unnnerving, because mortality begins to stare you in the face challenging you, alarming you, proding you. Every breath becomes the suffocating unyielding challeng that implores you to answer for the days of your life. Its like you fell your judgement staring you in the face. For a six-year old, my son was such a rich character. He had depth, intellect, charm, wit, and an ease with many different types of people. I used to almost envy him for his easy goingness. He got along with just about anybody until they violated him in some manner or another. He was msichievous. You never feel so stupid as to continually falling the pranks of a six year old. Boy was he smart, and funny. He was so funny. He would often say that he wanted to preach, and he soaked up anything about history. The bible, pbs. My son had a clinical diagnoses of ad/hd. But if you wanted to see him sit still, there was one of three things that you could to. You could take him to hear a sermon, put on a documentary aboul MLK, or put in a tyler perry show. These things were his passion. The Word, the history, and the funny. LOL! I remember being literally angry at some point thinking, if he had to go, why did it have to be just days shy of the election. I was so mad, because it seemed like noone around me understood or even cared about the historical significance of our 44th president being elected. My son would have understood. We would literally talk on end about why we love america, and how exciting it is that we would finally have a black president. I remember him telling me that Barack Obama was like MLK. Just recently, I went to see some old friends. It was so refreshing, because the first time in a long time, there were people at my side that actually cried with me and consoled me. But afterwards, I never understood why people think that they could out rationalize you in the midst of grief. If not for incessant rationalization, how else would we be able to go on? One of my friends was trying to explain to me about a child's accountability and I was just thinking to myself, does he really think that I have a problem with my son's soul? No. I just want him back. But I understand. It is not going to happen. And some how, some way, I have to accept that, even in the face of all the circumstances and pain. I am always amazed that for all the unpredictables that we fac in life, there has always benn one constant. That is death. I pray that the Lord would give you all strength right now, for his thoughts are far above our own. God bless, and selah.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/elijahbah/Homepage.aspx

Permalink Reply by sue on July 10, 2009 at 8:32am

Tiffiny, you are such a gifted person with the written word. I so hope you are keeping a journal during this time and maybe always. I think at this time of grief and stress around that grief the soul takes wings mentally. I am just so sorry about your sweet little man and I hurt for you when I put myself in that place with memories of my own sweet little man that was and still is at age 39 one of my best friends and go to for those deep thinking talks. I am so sad that you have lost that wonderful gift and know that remembering you will see him again doesn't help much now but what a wonderful gift you were given. I don't understand things like this just as I will never understand the loss of my sweet loving husband but I know as you do that God has a plan. Trusting is all I got.
I know you know what I mean. Fondly, Suep

Permalink Reply by Twila on July 10, 2009 at 4:17pm

I wanted to say I found this book it has helped me so much the title is "Transcending loss" it answered some questions for me and the feelings I have and how to deal with...there was a quote to "Death doesn't end the relationship, it simply forges a new type of relationship-one based not on physcial presence but on memory, spirit, and love.....And this was my question always on my mind I could not see my son or touch him or hear him any more and that is what I yearned for so much and still do. My son was a breastfed baby until he was 2 years old and that closeness you form with your child from infant to young adult and the connection you have and then for it to be just gone..I kept think its over its over I can never see or hear my son again but this book let me know its not over its another form of relationship is there with my memories and his spirit, and the love we shared has mother and child..and the grief never ends never you learn to cope each day..I miss him so much but I can talk to him and its ok so I am learning I do have my days when I dont want to talk to anyone or be around anyone and just sit there and think of him..but I am copeing its so hard..my heartaches so much and it hurts to be missing him so much..I have to find things to keep me sane and reading and writing my poems and stuff. I will see one and we will be together again my son and I.

Permalink Reply by Carol Kunnerup on July 13, 2009 at 4:39pm

I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have a feeling that I understand some of what you are going through. My 18 year old daughter died in a motorcycle accident and though I have been told to be strong for her brother and sister, I wonder how we will all make it without her funloving and adventure seeking ways. who will lead us to the fun stuff. who will teach her sister and brother how to really live and have fun. I am os sad for me and for them. and they are so young, that I am afraid that their memories won't let them truly remember how amazing she was. I am, whenever I see a picture, in a photo album or in my head, writing donw the memory so i can pass it on to them. they need to know what a spitfire and beautiful and amazing fun person she was. she was courageous and knew how to have good clean fun. they need to know. we have to go on for her. that is all i can think of to do.
I have recently lost both my sons in a car wreck. My heart feels so broken nothing seems to make sense. To only be 40 any have to live the rest of my life without them seems unbearable. To live with this feeling of loss is almost like dying too. Everyone says I have to be strong for the two children my oldest son left behind his youngest was only 7 days old, the oldest is 18 months. The thought of my grandchildern never knowing what a great dad they had or funny uncle hurts so much. I just hope that with time the grief is more managable

Permalink Reply by tiffany wheatley on July 13, 2009 at 9:05pm

I did It! Today was the first time that I went to go visit my son at his memorial ground. I like that term. The memorial grounds. It is the thought that was instiled into my brain and my heart as I rested, cried and prayed at my son's lot, than over to my mother's on the other side of the "grounds."
i thought that i was close to God before I went, man I just felt overjoyed leaving. I felt the presence of the Lord there, right there with me. Telling me, I will never leave you nor forsake you. I think we have salvation all wrong. This is only the first leg of the race, which, I might add, Jesus says is not given to the swift or the brute. I'm not saying that I am all knowing today because I have went to visit my son. But, I do undertsand a whole lot better my position with the Creator of the universe. It isn't us, and all that big bang, survival of the fittest malarkey, well that is what it is, malarkey. For it is he who has made us and not we ourselves. I don't have to throw myself over a bridge behind the loss of my son, to show that I am grieving. I can just continue to live, and appreciate that the Lord has chosen me as a character in His grand story of the universe. This is why praise is so important and worship, and meditation of the Word of the Lord, because of death. These are the behaviors that acknowledge God. Point, blank, period. It isn't difficult at all. I have Salvation, therefore I read the word. I read the word, therefore I know how the Lord wants me to conduct myself. I conduct myself according to the Word and its commandments, I become transformed and not conformed, therefore my soul is saved. These things are so easy. Prayer is our communication with God, it is the very fiber that shows the Lord and master that we wish and acknowledge of our own free will that we not only recognize his Lordship, but, we recognize also that we are in need of a Savior. It's not about us, and it isn't a crapshoot. He has us ordered and numbered. My six year-old knew enough to know God, and was saved. How much more honour do we owe God than a six-year -old. This is so more than about getting past grief, it is about getting past ourselves to be humble enough to merely say that God is.
Tonight it is my wish, that if there be any that has not given their life over to the Lord that these words will inspire you to do so, or at the very minimum, inspire you to seek out salvation elsewhere quickly. For no man knoweth the day, or the hour of the return of the Lord, nor does any of us know the time of our own demise. Death is merely a soul's return to the master. You can prepare your souls to recieve all the riches, and peace, and happiness that is available to each and every man, simply by saying; Please, come into my heart Lord. And this doesn't mean that every little minute detail of your existence that the Lord is hovering over you watching and scrutinizing every step. Why then would we need salvation? The Lord receives you from your audible confession of faith.

Permalink Reply by Twila on July 14, 2009 at 4:39pm

Carol Kunnerup said:

I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have a feeling that I understand some of what you are going through. My 18 year old daughter died in a motorcycle accident and though I have been told to be strong for her brother and sister, I wonder how we will all make it without her funloving and adventure seeking ways. who will lead us to the fun stuff. who will teach her sister and brother how to really live and have fun. I am os sad for me and for them. and they are so young, that I am afraid that their memories won't let them truly remember how amazing she was. I am, whenever I see a picture, in a photo album or in my head, writing donw the memory so i can pass it on to them. they need to know what a spitfire and beautiful and amazing fun person she was. she was courageous and knew how to have good clean fun. they need to know. we have to go on for her. that is all i can think of to do.
I have recently lost both my sons in a car wreck. My heart feels so broken nothing seems to make sense. To only be 40 any have to live the rest of my life without them seems unbearable. To live with this feeling of loss is almost like dying too. Everyone says I have to be strong for the two children my oldest son left behind his youngest was only 7 days old, the oldest is 18 months. The thought of my grandchildern never knowing what a great dad they had or funny uncle hurts so much. I just hope that with time the grief is more managable

I am 39 years old and I have to live the rest of my life without my son..the pain is to hard to at times I think I cant make then my grandchildren coming running to me with their little smiles and all they want is grandma's attention. I have 3 daughters also and it is hard to stay strong for them. Right not I want to be selfish and only think about my son and grieve for him I know my daughters hurt to I try to understand their pain to help them I do tell them Ilove them each day..My son was so funny and loved to make you laugh his passion for music he played the guitar was his passion. He was taught to play by his older sister and I miss that play all through the house I would let himplay it as loud as he wanted..Some days I just stay in bed and I go and sit with him every other day.
I has been 7months now I lost him on Dec. 12, 2008 he was hit by a truck walking home. And the driver thought my 6'5 300 pound son was a deer..go figure huh....and nothing happen to the person that killed my son he walks free even tho he had a revoked licence and driving a company truck...but he will get his..My son was a good person with such a good heart and he was going to graduate this spring, 2009 it is hard..His daughter turned 1 July 4th, 2009 and I couldn't even bring my self to attend because he was not going to be there we had such big plans when she turned 1. And he was not there to share it..Dam life is hard..Missing him is so hard it hurts so much...So I know just how you feel I just want to give up at times. I dont know what keeps me going my thoughts just race in my mind so I keep busy very busy and I cry when I need to and yell..
but take gentle care and I care and want to hear about your days and pains..because I understand..
take care
twila

Permalink Reply by CSmith on July 18, 2009 at 6:22am

How Life and Death changes all of us.

We think we are always going to be here. We rarely face the fact that we are all
mortal; But, when one outlives her children, the world, our relationships, our dreams, our feelings, our goals & our life changes forever. We need do nothing to change things from then. It happens all by itself….day after day.

The way you get up every morning…and start a new day….not with the enthusiasm
and plans that used to be.
The way you breathe…not taking one breath for granted.

The way you see others…for those that do not know of your loss, sharing their stories of their children; their birthday parties, their scribbled drawings on the refrigerator, their first date, their new shoes, their dinner at Thanksgiving~ all remind you of what will never be again….and it is hard to smile, and they don’t know why you don’t.

What changes is the way you listen to every song you hear, was it one you once listened to together in church or while driving somewhere, a song you danced to?…The music can magically take you back to a special moment in time… you feel it so deep in your gut that it is almost as if it was written just for you to remember them by.

When you look at all the photos, the huge events that made up their life, the milestones that you captured in a split second of filming, that will now be precious
memories frozen in time.

When you can laugh at something, you catch yourself feeling guilty because they will never smile or laugh again. It is just not fair.

You change so much every single day. Watching the world change from summer to fall to spring and then winter, just tells you that time stands still for no one, for no reason.

The little things that used to annoy us, no longer makes sense… For we will forever be in charge of our choices, our attitude, our memories, even in the face of devastating loss.

As we watch the seasons change for the rest of our time here; for every leaf that falls, for every snowflake that touches our cheek, for every ray of sun that brings warmth to our soul and for every new robin that builds a new home in the springtime…it will be a moment that we wish we could share with them.

I welcome the memories people share of my son, he was 29 and killed by a drunk driver in 2006.

Permalink Reply by CSmith on July 18, 2009 at 6:30am

http://paul-mcmanus-jr.virtual-memorials.com./
How I cope with the loss of my son