Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

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hi judy,i to had something wrong when my son died and they said i had a couple of heartattacks they dont know why.and i said i just lost my son and they said that could be when.today i had my heart just go wild on me and i dont know why.i feel like one day the good lord will take me home to be with my son.i miss him he would of been 19 next month he has been gone 3 years in oct.and i am still feeling the pain.thanks and write when you can kristi

Judy said:
Hi Sue,
My name is Judy and my son was killed in a car accident almost 8 months ago. I try to take comfort in the hope that when the accident occurred, God was there immediately to take any pain away and to carry him home. I believe the same is true for Josh. I saw a poem tonight on this site that said....."Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how. Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or a friend of my son, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other." I'm going to try to remember these words when I go too far into my shell.

I had two panic attacks tonight out of the clear blue sky. I had had a pretty good day all things considered, so don't quite know where they came from. I hadn't had one in awhile, but they've come back recently. Is this a physical thing or a mental one? Judy
Hi Sue,my name is Elaine Phillips. Sorry to hear about your son Josh. You know this is not what Josh want you to do. Its OK to cry,scream,miss him or even wish for him to be here with you. I do this all the time. But Sue now it is time for prayers. Go to God and ask God to give you strength to go on day by day through your rough times. I didn't think no one could feel the pain and heartache that I was carring around and still have heartaches and pain. Sue just don't do like I did get sick. Yes I had a brain aneurysm after Kris death. I was driving on the I-10 interstate in Baton Rouge,La. when I had my aneurysm. I hit 3 cars and 2 cars hit me than I hit the bridge with 3 grandkids in the car with me. So don't let this happen to you. I am good at comforting others,but don't take my own advice. Everything will be alright. Just hold on and don't let go now. If you can't hold on to Gods hand,ask God to hold your hand and I know God won't let go. I will be praying with you Sue asking God to stand by you,go with you all the way. Trust me he won't fail you. Please keep writing and keep in touch with us. We know what you are going through.Its Ok to grieve and grieving has no time limit. Ask me. Elaine

Sue said:
My son Josh age 24 died last summer when he went over a brdge and his car landed on the roof and he was trapped and drowned. I really can relate to the hopeless depression everyone is feeling. I have seen grief therapists, group counselling and am now going to see a pyschiatrist. I don't know any other way except to die and be with him. But something is holding me back, so I am trying to find out why I haven't gone over that last edge yet. I feel hopeless and spacey all the time. I work, I function, but have turned very antisocial except for a selct few people. I really want this horrific pain to end. I always have a sick feeling in my stomach. also a feeling of dread. I want to feel better but I have no energy. I wish I knew where he was and that he was ok.
Love to all, If I make it through this, there is hope and light for all of you.
Sue, I read one of your earlier posts from August 1, and know from my husband the difficulty of having to identify your son in the morgue. I was too weak to go. I'm glad you're going to counselling because these events are so traumatic and leave a lasting impression. Know that you are not alone in your grief and pain, and for today try to do something nice for yourself. Take a long bath, watch a favorite movie, make a pot of soup or reach out to an old friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers, as are you, Elaine and Kristi with the birthdays of your sons coming up.
Hi, This is another poem I wrote... Love Leslie

Happy 4th my dear Jordan, Happy 4th of July.
Your in my every thought, not a single day goes by.
I still faintly hear your laughter, and the sound of your voice.
And still my dreams are filled with you; when you were just a little boy.
I know for you...it's happy. And time for you goes fast.
And I'm trying to be, the best I can be;
To be worthy of the final cast.
Still I am lonley, and I miss your giant squeeze.
Never forget I love you. And I'll meet you in my dreams!
..................Love Mom

Elaine Banks Phillips said:
Hi Leslie,my name is Elaine I too was a mother of three I can't believe that our story is so much alike. I lost my 28 year old son Kris on 04-09-2006 do to a automobile accident he would have been 32 this year. Like your son my child was a New Orleans FireFighter. After Hurricane Katrina my son decided to relocate to Marrietta,Ga. with his family. He was accepted as a FireFighter but was informed that he had to be a EMT in order to be a FireFighter in Ga. My son Kris was told about the School of Matix for EMT classes. He was fortunate enough to attend the school but two weeks before graduation on his way home his SUV flipped and he was killed instantly. I don't know how or why someone would tell you to GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I don't know if they had a relationship like Kris and I had. But Kris was my LOVE CHILD,he would puckle his lips to give me a big kiss and I would tell him to go ahead boy I don't know where those lips been. Than Kris would give me this big bear hug and would not let go until he get his kiss. Oh how I would love to get one of his kisses or that bear hug that I could not get loose from. Kris was the role model for the young men in the neighbor hood plus the young men in our family. He loved sports,working on car,also the computer. I don't think there was not to much that Kris could not repair. Everyone would call Kris he can fix it. I miss my child so much,its been 3yrs3 months for me and it stills hurts,but things are getting a little better but I still can't yet go on. So Leslie I feel your pain. This is how Kristie and I met through this SITE. Thank God for this Site just knowing that there is someone who feel and know what you are goinh through. Leslie feel free to write anytime. I am here Elaine. Icite>Leslie L. Fiorda said:
Hi... My name is Leslie, I am a mother of three, and a grand-ma of 3.5, (with one on the way). My son Jordan was 23 when he left to be with the Lord. That was 04-29-2007. He and his girl-friend were killed in the accident, one young man survived; though he lost an eye, and almost his legs. He is alive, praise God! Jordan was 6'4" tall, he fought fires. He wanted to get his EMT, and go into forestry. He was great with kids...he would've been a great dad. He was so funny, and fun to listen to. No matter what kind of bad day you "thought" you were having, he'd change it. He used to imitate one of the kids voice from south park T.V. show. It used to drive me insain...absolutely nuts! Lol! How I wish I could hear it again...


I know people say.."we'll get over it". We will NEVER get over it. We will get through it. I know I will...I have to. I don't want Jordan to think for one second that "HE" messed up my life. When I was at the hospital, people tried to give me Valium, Xanax, Soma's. My husband (we are not together) was taking pills to ease the pain. I understood... for him that was fine. But I had to feel what I was feeling. Do you know what I mean? I had to KNOW what was going on. I wasn't even "aware". It was like I was in a dream and I was playing the part of someone else. I was going through the motions... but it wasn't me. Because this can't happen to me! But it did, and like most of you talk about; I was numb. Totally numb. I think God gives us that numb feeling. Because if we had to feel what we were about to go through, all at once, we would surely die. Because just as slow as that numbness left, the pain grew deeper and deeper. I thought it was going to swallow me whole. I think it may have a few times, to tell you the truth.
I was in church when it happened, teaching Sunday-school for the youth group. I love the Lord and my church, but it's true...some people just do not have a clue. I was told by one women, only 3 weeks had gone by; to "...get over it, Jesus wants you to be happy"
Another poem I wrote, you may like......Leslie

Happy 4th my dear Jordan, Happy 4th of July.
Your in my every thought, not a single day goes by.
I still faintly hear your laughter, and the sound of your voice.
And still my dreams are filled with you; when you were just a little boy.
I know for you...it's happy. And time for you goes fast.
And I'm trying to be, the best I can be;
To be worthy of the final cast.
Still I am lonley, and I miss your giant squeeze.
Never forget I love you. And I'll meet you in my dreams!
..................Love Mom

Penny Calkins said:
Dear ladies "mothers".....
I am so sorry for your pain. I too share in your very hard club, my son died October 27th, 2009. They said he took his own life, but I know better. He would not have done that. My heart is broken, I am not the same person, and really don't know who I am as Corey (my son) defined my life in so many ways. I agree, that keeping our sons alive in our hearts and minds is a good thing. Please don't let anyone tell you to "get over it"... we simply wont. Don't hold it back, cause that makes it hurt more, it does mine anyway. Anyway, please try to love yourself and remember his voice. Corey's been gone for almost 10 months, and I would do anything to hear his voice again.
God Bless you and let keep on talking here, it's hard, but I hope it helps.
Penny~
Dear Kristi,
How can we go on? How do we go on? I don't know. I wish I could tell someone, just so they could explain it to me. It is unbelieveably lonley. I blame myself, mostly. If I would've never moved back to California; If I would've never went back to his Father; If I never, if I would've, if I..."I". Then I feel like "I" am being selfish. And I think the only real thing that any one has said to me that has any real meaning, is..."Our time is set from the begining"! I do believe that, in all sense of what it is worth. I know that blaming myself was eating me up alive. I was killing myself, hating myself. For any reason, and for every reason I could think of. I haven't let go...I don't plan on it. But I do know hate is a very powerful weapon of self destruction. I am feeling with you, your pain of disgust, and it makes me sick that something like that can happen to a young man like your son. Why are the parents of that boy not jailed. It seems to me it was their responcibility; not having the gun with a lock on it. Forgive me, I do not mean to stir your anger, but in the state I live in, Calif., we have laws that make it the parents responcibility. You can write me if you like...luvdablues@roadrunner.com
..................Leslie

kristi said:
hi leslie,i do blame the kid that killed my son.i have so much hate in me for him,he got to graduate this year my son didnt,he gets to get married and have kids one day,my son cant.i go to support group because i have so much hate in me for this kid.i just deal with it i dont tell people my feelings because no one wants to listen.they say you have 2 other kids to live for and i say have you been throu what i have been throu?no they havent they dont know how i feel.some lady just lost her mom well she is going on with her life because her mom was old.my son was 16 and he didnt have a chance at life.i look at my other son that is 13 and in 3 years i am not going to know what to do with a 16 year old boy,.how do i go on with this hateing stuff?me i dont know.well take care and write when you can kristi

Leslie L. Fiorda said:
God Bless You! I can't imagine having someone alive that I could blame. They say forgiveness is healing. I do believe that is true. My son died in a car accident, he was driving. I know he swerved to miss an on comming motor-cycle in his path. An accident... but a young girl was killed also. I am sad in so many ways. Mostly for myself, cause I am selfish. I think of the grand-kids I will never have given to me from Jordan, he would've been a great father. I am thankful that he IS a Christian. I know I will see him again, someday. He passed in April, the 29th; 2007, and it seems like yesterday. I have two other children...people say, "Well at least you have others". Like somehow that takes the pain away. It doesn't. I love all of my children. My life has been my children. Now one third of my life is gone. How are we supposed to forget that? We will never get over it, but We WILL get through it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. ...Leslie

kristi said:
I LOST MY SON IN OCT 7TH,2006 HE WAS ONLY 16 WHEN HE PASSED AWAY AND I DIDNT FEEL ANY PAIN AT ALL BECAUSE I WAS NUMB.AND TILL THIS DAY I LOST MY MIND SOMEWHAT,I ASKED QUESTIONS TO PEOPLE THAT I WENT TO THE DOCTORS OR SOMETHING WITH.MY FRIENDS ARE STILL CONCERNED BECAUSE I FEEL STRONG BUT I FEEL I AM A BURDEN TO THEM IF I CRY OR IF I TALK ABOUT MY SON.WHAT HAPPENED WAS MY SON WENT TO HIS FRIENDS HOUSE HIS FRIEND WAS CLEANING HIS GUN HE SAID AND HE THOUGHT HE TOOK ALL THE BULLETS OUT OF THE GUN,POINTED THE GUN AT MY SON AND PULLED THE TRIGGER,THE KID WAS ONLY 15,HE GOT PROBATION TILL HE IS 19.2,987RESTITUTION AND 200 OF COMMUNITY SERVICE,EVERY ONE ASK IF IT WAS A ACCIDENT AND I ALWAYS SAY I AM THE MOM AND I DONT THINK SO BUT YOU ALL BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT TO.SO MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND I AM HERE TO TALK TO BECAUSE I NEED SOME ONE TO TALK TO.HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOUR SON?BUT I WENT TO SUPPORT GROUP AND THEY SAY TALK ABOUT THE DEATH OF YOUR FAMILY THAT HAVE BEEN GONE AND IT WILL HELP EASE THE PAIN AND I HAVE DONE THAT.AND IT HELPS.THANKS AND I HOPE WE TALK SOMEDAY.THANKS FOR LISTENING
hi leslie,in Minnesota there is no law about the parents getting introuble for that,alot of kids do what they do because of stuff up here were we live the grandparents raise them or something.the grandpa just bought a 30 odd 6 for the kid just like a couple days for the what they called was an accident.he never went throu gun training or anything.the bad thing is that the other grand parents that were in the house with the kids were sleeping and didnt even here the gun go off or any thing.the kid was going to run away till my son said stay here till the end.we went to court and watched all of this as it went down because i needed to know why this kid did this we never got an answer well i dont know i have lots of anger in me and that is all that is ever going to be in my life till i see my son again.that is all i have it during this time,with his birthday coming up and the death day is coming up and stuff it is hard
thank you and you cna write to me any time.kristi

Leslie L. Fiorda said:
Dear Kristi,
How can we go on? How do we go on? I don't know. I wish I could tell someone, just so they could explain it to me. It is unbelieveably lonley. I blame myself, mostly. If I would've never moved back to California; If I would've never went back to his Father; If I never, if I would've, if I..."I". Then I feel like "I" am being selfish. And I think the only real thing that any one has said to me that has any real meaning, is..."Our time is set from the begining"! I do believe that, in all sense of what it is worth. I know that blaming myself was eating me up alive. I was killing myself, hating myself. For any reason, and for every reason I could think of. I haven't let go...I don't plan on it. But I do know hate is a very powerful weapon of self destruction. I am feeling with you, your pain of disgust, and it makes me sick that something like that can happen to a young man like your son. Why are the parents of that boy not jailed. It seems to me it was their responcibility; not having the gun with a lock on it. Forgive me, I do not mean to stir your anger, but in the state I live in, Calif., we have laws that make it the parents responcibility. You can write me if you like...luvdablues@roadrunner.com
..................Leslie

kristi said:
hi leslie,i do blame the kid that killed my son.i have so much hate in me for him,he got to this year my son didnt,he gets to get married and have kids one day,my son cant.i go to support group because i have so much hate in me for this kid.i just deal with it i dont tell people my feelings because no one wants to listen.they say you have 2 other kids to live for and i say have you been throu what i have been throu?no they havent they dont know how i feel.some lady just lost her mom well she is going on with her life because her mom was old.my son was 16 and he didnt have a chance at life.i look at my other son that is 13 and in 3 years i am not going to know what to do with a 16 year old boy,.how do i go on with this hateing stuff?me i dont know.well take care and write when you can kristi

Leslie L. Fiorda said:
God Bless You! I can't imagine having someone alive that I could blame. They say forgiveness is healing. I do believe that is true. My son died in a car accident, he was driving. I know he swerved to miss an on comming motor-cycle in his path. An accident... but a young girl was killed also. I am sad in so many ways. Mostly for myself, cause I am selfish.
Judy/Sue,

My daughter (Stephanie) was killed in a car accident on Dec. 1, 2007. She was 17 and heading down her favorite road to my parents house. Her SUV didn't make the curve and rolled 1 1/2 times to land upside down in the river. The autopsy said she drowned. I too believe that God was with her when she died. I don't beleive she knew pain or fear, but peace. The day after the accident, her teacher called and told me about a man who hates everybody and everything. He told her teacher that she had the most peaceful look on her face when the rescue workers pulled her from the vehicle. I take comfort in that. To this day, I still wear the unicorn ring that she was wearing that day.
Most days I am alright, but sometimes, the grief takes over again. The physical pain (like someone is reaching through my body and squeezing and twisting my heart as hard as they can) hits me sometimes. Today is one of those days. I got a call earlier from a friend. She said "my son died last night in his sleep. We don't know what happened. What do I do?" He was in his 20s. All I could say was pray. I felt like someone had just kicked me in the ribs. Everything that happened from 12:30 pm when I got the call from the cops asking about my daughter's SUV thru the following week, came back like it was yesterday. Grief loves to sneak up on us whenever we least expect it. My friend was admitted to the hospital to calm her and help keep her out of harms way. I have to take comfort that this is God's will. And regardless if we like it or not, His will is the only way.
I've been reading a book called "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser. He lost three members of his family when a drunk driver ran into their car head on. The author gives me hope that by God's grace there is a bright future ahead for me. I'm not as far along in my journey as Mr. Sittser and not as evolved in my thinking, but his words give me hope and a measure of peace. One thing he talks about is the issue of forgiveness in a way that makes sense to me and I needed that as a drunk driver was also the cause of my son's death. Another thing that is helping me on my path to forgiveness is a video that one of my son's did for his college religion class after my son died. It was called "Hate the Sin, but Love the Sinner," and was about hating the fact that my son died in this manner, but it was not an intentional act so we should not hate the driver. To carry hatred in our hearts is only going to poison us. Interesting thoughts from a 19/20 year old. I have enough sadness and pain over losing my son, and do not want to add hatred or vengeance to the mix. I try to keep the court case totally separate from the rest of my life and truthfully can't handle thinking about that part. I have tried from day one to make sure my other children were not filled with bitterness and hatred toward the driver. I want them to lead happy, healthy lives, and I want the same for the rest of my family and for all of us who have experienced similar circumstances.
Judy said:
I've been reading a book called "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser. He lost three members of his family when a drunk driver ran into their car head on. The author gives me hope that by God's grace there is a bright future ahead for me. I'm not as far along in my journey as Mr. Sittser and not as evolved in my thinking, but his words give me hope and a measure of peace. One thing he talks about is the issue of forgiveness in a way that makes sense to me and I needed that as a drunk driver was also the cause of my son's death. Another thing that is helping me on my path to forgiveness is a video that one of my son's friends did for his college religion class after my son died. It was called "Hate the Sin, but Love the Sinner," and was about hating the fact that my son died in this manner, but it was not an intentional act so we should not hate the driver. To carry hatred in our hearts is only going to poison us. Interesting thoughts from a 19/20 year old. I have enough sadness and pain over losing my son, and do not want to add hatred or vengeance to the mix. I try to keep the court case totally separate from the rest of my life and truthfully can't handle thinking about that part. I have tried from day one to make sure my other children were not filled with bitterness and hatred toward the driver. I want them to lead happy, healthy lives, and I want the same for the rest of my family and for all of us who have experienced similar circumstances.
Hi Lori,
I don't have a site yet for my son, but went on yours for Jonathan and have just stopped crying. He was so nice looking. There were quite a few similarities between him and my son, Jack. Jack was a volleyball player having developed a major passion for the game in high school. He was really into it and went on to play at George Mason University. He had to quit after sustaining a bad back injury. He loved to write and wanted to become a freelance writer, but his plan was to teach so he would be sure to have a steady income. He hoped that if he taught high school English, he could also coach volleyball. Teaching was just in his nature. He has a younger brother and sister, and he took it upon himself to teach them in every possible moment. They miss him so much for many reasons, but one of them was he was so encouraging. Teaching and coaching would've fit him perfectly. It has been eight months since he passed away, and we still miss him so much. Today I totally broke down in church when the minister was talking about the cycle of life and he said that we really need to hold on to those we love because we never know what will happen and that things can change in an instant. He was so right. I'm sad that we've all have to experience what this is like first hand.

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