Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child
Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.
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on sunday april 29th 2007 my 19 yr old son anthony was shot and killed standing in front of my home while waiting for a friend to pick him up. he was getting ready to leave for utah to attend school and wanted to spend time with friends before he left.
no-one was ever arrested and the witnesses have not come forward to help us. we have a $60,000 reward for info and have applied to americas most wanted.
i have recently met a woman who also lost her son to gun volence 5 months ago and until now i havent felt like i could talk to anyone about what i am going through. i read the article about things people say to you to try and comfort you and i immediatley related to the story.
unless you have experienced the loss of a child there is no way to understand it. at first i exhausted myself trying to explain what its like, but eventually i gave up. i felt like i was talking to a brick wall. all the sad ooh's and ah's and comments about what a strong person i am because they could never handle what im going through and how everything happens for a reason. my favorite one is, "he's in a better place". i want to lash out and say, no he's not, his place is here with me. and then i realized that people only say these things because they dont understand what its like and they just dont know what else to say. they think that they are helping by these comments but all it does is make me withdraw and isolate myself from them. i feel like i dont "fit in" anywhere anymore, like ive been "kicked out" of the normal life club. i have a whole new outlook on everything. nothing "matters" to me anymore, i used to worry about all the small stuff and was clueless about what it was really like to suffer. i dont understand why everyone stopped talking abut my son, like he never existed. that hurts me more than any of the silly comments people say to me. i want everyone to talk about him, remember him. but for some reason they think it will upset me. little do they know there is nothing that can hurt me more than what i am going through already.
I took six months off work when my son was murdered. and when i returned, i felt like and alien, people would stop me in the hallway and say howya doin? and i would say, ok and keep walking. I was stared at all day and i became "that lady" that lost her son. I've become and expert at "pretending to be normal". If only everyone could see the chaos that goes on inside of me. The world just passes me by everyday and here i am stuck in time. I like to think of myself as an intelligent woman, but nothing could have prepared me for this. It's been two years and it always feels like yesterday. I still cry everyday, go to counsling every monday and spend the rest of my time searching for my sons killer. My heart is broken into too many pieces to repair and i wonder if this pain will ever go away. I miss my boy more than anyone will ever know. And my heart goes out to anyone that has ever lost a child......
Hello all...it's been a while since I've posted but I've been trying to read everyone's posts but it is so hard to hear the tragic stories some times. My heart aches for all of you.....every day.
It has been over a year since my sons passed away and I still ache and cry every single day. My other two sons have been doing things which is good, but every time I see them I almost just want to break down as we used to be a unit and half of us aren't there and it's so hard.
I want to be with them... I want to be in their lives...but I dont want to drag them down as they are traveling, buying houses, just getting engaged...and at a time I should be happy for them... I am depressed but trying like heck not to show it but I feel so alone even though I have friends around me. Everyone else seems to be going along with their lives together with other people...to me being a mom was my most important job... I worried constantly about them...and even though I know Vince and Stephen are in better hands I cant stop worrying still.
Everything reminds me of them...everything I do...every where I look...and instead of smiling...it hurts me inside more.
I've thrown myself into building a skate park in their honor in the community they loved but we are running into opposition from the local council and a few residents who are getting down and dirty about it... I only hope and pray I have the strength to see it through. I've even gotten web site submissions that say that I am using their tragic deaths to become famous....and in reality I would rather lay next to them and give up...Im sure you know the feeling. There us even a website set up against the park but people in general have been very supportive but when someone says something like that it can hurt you. I know I shouldnt let it...but it just does.
Little do they know that every time I speak about thier death, my heart sinks little deeper. We are all trying so hard to do something positive to help the community not only to honor them but to help the living children of the community stay safe when riding their bikes and skateboards. It's just hard to muster up the strength to fight all this when I am still grieving so deeply for them myself. I don't know I feel like Im doing the right thing...as feel inside as though I am supposed to do this...as if I am being led to do it, because I sure wouldn't have the strength without a higher power guiding me.
Well, I pray to God every day to give me the strength to carry on and relieve me of some of this anxiety and although I know my sons wouldnt want me to feel the way I do... some days, more than not, I just feel so terrible :(
Please don't tell me you know how I feel, Unless you have lost your child too, Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal, Because that is just not true, Please don't tell me my son is in a better place, Though it is true, I want him here with me, Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face, Beyond today I cannot see, Don?t tell me it is time to move on, Because I cannot, Don?t tell me to face the fact he is gone, Because denial is something I can't stop, Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had, Because I wanted more, Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad, I'll never be as I was before, What you can tell me is you will be here for me, That you will listen when I talk of my child, You can share with me my precious memories, You can even cry with me for a while, And please don't hesitate to say his name, Because it is something I long to hear everyday, Friend please realize that I can never be the same, But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
My son Jordan was 23 years old when he passed. On September 11th he would've been only 26 years old, (yes thats his b-day). He was born 9-11-1983 and left me on 4-29-2007 due to a roll over car accident. His girlfriend was killed also, she was barely 24 yrs old. It is very hard for all of us, and I am very thankful to all of you who respond on here; it means so much to know you are reading my thoughts and care enough to respond even in your saddest of times. Thank you.
kristi said:dear leslie,how old was your son,my son was 16 years old,he would of been 19 this year on sept 12th.i take work off on his birthday and and on the annivesary because i work at a nursing home and i think the residents do not need to see me cry when i am sad.it is on a saturday but it would of been my weekend to work.yeah my son was 6'2 and my other son is getting up to that and he is only 13th.yes your poem is good.i dont write stuff because i started to like the year he passed away and it was hard for me.yes we have another person on here i dont know if you read any of her stories but elain banks son was born on sept 12th and so we both come on here and talk.but yes that poem was nice.,it brought tears to my eyes.well we can keep in touch with each other as our diffcult times come ahead.i have a friend that lost her grandson he would of been 2 on sept 8th and i cant get her to come on here but she is going to support group with me.my son and her grandson are in the same place.but if you want to talk anytime her is my yahoo messanger and email address ok.kristi_armstrong2000@yahoo.com any body can come and i will put you on there ok.thanks again and please keep in touch.it helps me to keep in this place because it helps me to talk about stuff.Leslie L. Fiorda said:Hi Kristi,
May I ask, when is you sons birthday? My son Jordan's birthday is also comming up. His is (believe it or not) September 11, 1983. The day he passed was April 29, 2007. I call it his "Happy Angel Day". I read that in an article once, and it sounded so much better then how I had been refering to it. So I have adopted it, and I want you too also,...if you can. I thought, at first; how can she say that about her son. How can that be happy? As I read on through her article some how it was for me. For my transformation, if you will; because "I" am the one refering to it at all. I am the one who will bring it up in a conversation and discuss it, if ANY one does. And I did as you do...I called it his "Death day"; the day of his death, or anniversary of. I really didnt like the thought of having an anniversary of it at all. You know what I mean? But we do , and I have one. But I didn't mind celebrating the day he met Jesus face to face. If any thing I am happy about that. As far as happy goes, well...I smile. Thats as far as it goes. But it's a start. On his Memorial card, on the inside of it I wrote a poem. Every body wanted "ME" to write ..."Your the writer", they'd say. And I sat and thought about my sons personality, cause he has not lost that. He is just enteraining others right now. And I wrote this poem.....
"I drempt I saw an angel.
He stood about six foot four
I never saw St. Peter
He didn't work there any more.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN; Today you would've been 26. Though that was the day every one else got to meet you. I had known you already for nine months. My heart aches for you, I miss you so very much. I love you my Joe-Me-Dan...Mom
Leslie L. Fiorda said:My son Jordan was 23 years old when he passed. On September 11th he would've been only 26 years old, (yes thats his b-day). He was born 9-11-1983 and left me on 4-29-2007 due to a roll over car accident. His girlfriend was killed also, she was barely 24 yrs old. It is very hard for all of us, and I am very thankful to all of you who respond on here; it means so much to know you are reading my thoughts and care enough to respond even in your saddest of times. Thank you.
kristi said:dear leslie,how old was your son,my son was 16 years old,he would of been 19 this year on sept 12th.i take work off on his birthday and and on the annivesary because i work at a home and i think the residents do not need to see me cry when i am sad.it is on a saturday but it would of been my weekend to work.yeah my son was 6'2 and my other son is getting up to that and he is only 13th.yes your poem is good.i dont write stuff because i started to like the year he passed away and it was hard for me.yes we have another person on here i dont know if you read any of her stories but elain banks son was born on sept 12th and so we both come on here and talk.but yes that poem was nice.,it brought tears to my eyes.well we can keep in touch with each other as our diffcult times come ahead.i have a friend that lost her grandson he would of been 2 on sept 8th and i cant get her to come on here but she is going to support group with me.my son and her grandson are in the same place.but if you want to talk anytime her is my yahoo messanger and email address ok.kristi_armstrong2000@yahoo.com any body can come and i will put you on there ok.thanks again and please keep in touch.it helps me to keep in this place because it helps me to talk about stuff.Leslie L. Fiorda said:Hi Kristi,
May I ask, when is you sons birthday? My son Jordan's birthday is also comming up. His is (believe it or not) September 11, 1983. The day he passed was April 29, 2007. I call it his "Happy Angel Day". I read that in an article once, and it sounded so much better then how I had been refering to it. So I have adopted it, and I want you too also,...if you can. I thought, at first; how can she say that about her son. How can that be happy? As I read on through her article some how it was for me. For my transformation, if you will; because "I" am the one refering to it at all. I am the one who will bring it up in a conversation and discuss it, if ANY one
dear leslie,my heart goes out to you on this day.because tomorrow my son would of turned 19 and i am with you.i went out to the cemetary today and gave my son everette a balloon and balled my eyes out.i havent did that for along time.but you know i never do i keep strong and the week before his birthday i get crabby and my eyes start gettting puffy than i go out there and cry my eyes out and i think thats what i need.it happens on the day he passed away to.did you ever here that song that michael jackson sang YOU ARE NOT ALONE?I PLAYED THAT SO MANY TIMES,I CRIED TILL I COULDNT CRY NO MORE.BUT THANKS FOR LISTENING..
Leslie L. Fiorda said:HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN; Today you would've been 26. Though that was the day every one else got to meet you. I had known you already for nine months. My heart aches for you, I miss you so very much. I love you my Joe-Me-Dan...Mom
Leslie L. Fiorda said:My son Jordan was 23 years old when he passed. On September 11th he would've been only 26 years old, (yes thats his b-day). He was born 9-11-1983 and left me on 4-29-2007 due to a roll over car accident. His girlfriend was killed also, she was barely 24 yrs old. It is very hard for all of us, and I am very thankful to all of you who respond on here; it means so much to know you are reading my thoughts and care enough to respond even in your saddest of times. Thank you.
kristi said:dear leslie,how old was your son,my son was 16 years old,he would of been 19 this year on sept 12th.i take work off on his birthday and and on the annivesary because i work at a home and i think the residents do not need to see me cry when i am sad.it is on a saturday but it would of been my weekend to work.yeah my son was 6'2 and my other son is getting up to that and he is only 13th.yes your poem is good.i dont write stuff because i started to like the year he passed away and it was hard for me.yes we have another person on here i dont know if you read any of her stories but elain banks son was born on sept 12th and so we both come on here and talk.but yes that poem was nice.,it brought tears to my eyes.well we can keep in touch with each other as our diffcult times come ahead.i have a friend that lost her grandson he would of been 2 on sept 8th and i cant get her to come on here but she is going to support group with me.my son and her grandson are in the same place.but if you want to talk anytime her is my yahoo messanger and email address ok.kristi_armstrong2000@yahoo.com any body can come and i will put you on there ok.thanks again and please keep in touch.it helps me to keep in this place because it helps me to talk about stuff.Leslie L. Fiorda said:Hi Kristi,
May I ask, when is you sons birthday? My son Jordan's birthday is also comming up. His is (believe it or not) September 11, 1983. The day he passed was April 29, 2007. I call it his "Happy Angel Day". I read that in an article once, and it sounded so much better then how I had been refering to it. So I have adopted it, and I want you too also,...if you can. I thought, at first; how can she say that about her son. How can that be happy? As I read on through her article some how it was for me. For my transformation, if you will; because "I" am the one refering to it at all. I am the one who will bring it up in a conversation and discuss it, if ANY one
Dear Leslie and Kristi,
my heart aches for you two with your sons' birthdays here. I don't know how I'll handle it in December when we have my son's birthday and 4 days later the first anniversary of his death. I thought maybe we should plan a trip to keep our minds occupied during that time, but I'm not sure if it would help. I still haven't been able to decide on his gravemarker, because I can't decide exactly what I want to say. I want to say so much and there's not enough room for everything I feel. Does anyone have something they could share about this?
Antone's mom, I really understand what you mean about feeling that you failed to keep your child safe. My husband and I went through that where we felt we had failed in one of our most fundamental jobs as parents. But the truth is, as my therapist said, we had nothing to do with the accident; it was caused by the recklessness of another. Even though as parents we try to stay on top of things, we don't know every detail about the people's driving habits that our kids get in a car with. I guess we kind of assumed that if a driver who's still on his parents insurance has a bad driving record, the parent would take some kind of action. Not so in our case; they young man my son rode with that night had a history of reckless driving and his parents had been spoken to numerous times by neighbors and even the police. Did we know any of this? Did my son know any of this? Of course not, because nobody wants to damage the reputation of a kid growing up. We only found out after the accident. We get so frustrated about this aspect of what happened because had it been handled properly in the past, the accident probably wouldn't have happened. Sorry, i hadn't meant for this to turn into a venting session.....Judy
Dear Leslie and Kristi,
my heart aches for you two with your sons' birthdays here. I don't know how I'll handle it in December when we have my son's birthday and 4 days later the first anniversary of his death. I thought maybe we should plan a trip to keep our minds occupied during that time, but I'm not sure if it would help. I still haven't been able to decide on his gravemarker, because I can't decide exactly what I want to say. I want to say so much and there's not enough room for everything I feel. Does anyone have something they could share about this?
Antone's mom, I really understand what you mean about feeling that you failed to keep your child safe. My husband and I went through that where we felt we had failed in one of our most fundamental jobs as parents. But the truth is, as my therapist said, we had nothing to do with the accident; it was caused by the recklessness of another. Even though as parents we try to stay on top of things, we don't know every detail about the people's driving habits that our kids get in a car with. I guess we kind of assumed that if a driver who's still on his parents insurance has a bad driving record, the parent would take some kind of action. Not so in our case; they young man my son rode with that night had a history of reckless driving and his parents had been spoken to numerous times by neighbors and even the police. Did we know any of this? Did my son know any of this? Of course not, because nobody wants to damage the reputation of a kid growing up. We only found out after the accident. We get so frustrated about this aspect of what happened because had it been handled properly in the past, the accident probably wouldn't have happened. Sorry, i hadn't meant for this to turn into a venting session.....Judy
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