The loss of a child

Grief support for all coping with the loss of a child

Share your story and connect with others who are coping with the death of a child.

• When a Baby Dies

• When an Infant Dies

• When a Teenager Dies

• Youth Suicide: How You Can Help the Survivors

• What Helps When We’re Experiencing the Unthinkable

• Loss of Our Assumptive World

• The Grief of Grandparents

• Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

• After a Tragedy: What Kids Can Do

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Permalink Reply by amaryllis on July 11, 2010 at 1:25pm

Mary, dear Mary, with tears in my eyes i write this reply to tell you how much your words found their way to my heart. We are all connected through the deepest pain a human being can suffer that is the loss of a son and you have lost two. You write beautifully - you have the Divine inspiration.
Blessings and much love.

mary said:

You do not have to do, think or say anything you dont want to. You can feel any way you want to. Cry, scream, shout, go to your room turn out the lights, turn music up really loud....it's all ok!

Everyone deals with things in different ways...It doesn't seem like life should go on without him...it does however... I walked around in a daze...wondering why people were still laughing, why families were out together shopping, why, why why everything...... I didnt want to eat....I couldnt sleep... i didnt want to be alive and sometimes I feel all those ways all over again and it's all ok!

Please just try and understand that when anyone suggests anything or trys to comfort you they have no clue....none... what to say or do...but that's ok too!
They care about you...they do...no matter how you think they are handling things...at least they are there for you...when you need to scream, cry, etc.
Try to understand this although i know it's really hard.... but don't push them away ... you need them...maybe it seems not right now...but you will.

I know exactly how you feel... it's a whirling pain in your head..anxiety to the highest level.....the thoughts.. the loss...the everything swirls in and out of your head..your body aches everywhere ......it is instinctive...your Motherly instincts are saying ...what if...where is he..is he ok...please God why him, why us, why me.... it goes deep into your soul as a Mother...it affects us differently...they were a part of us... but they still are and always will be.

Please dont push yourself too hard.... let all those feelings come in and try to understand them...it ok to feel any way you do and when you do think of your son and try to think of him in good ways...any way you can.

My two sons died on July 15, 2010 when they drowned together.... I think I am writing this more for me than I am for you. I look ok on the outside...but if anyone could begin to feel what we do on the inside..... well you understand but many others dont.... please take good care of yourself.
Mary

Scott's lost mom said:
Another day without my son. I am screaming in my head. The pain is so intense that I feel faint at times. How could he do this? Why did he do this? What did I miss? How did life turn out like this? I am trying so hard but if one more person touches me, I am going to scream loud. If my husband says one more stupid thing to me "we still have our daughter" "we can still have a life" I might commit murder.

Why don't they leave me alone? My son is dead!!!! My heart is broken, I hurt in every fiber of my body. They eat, they drink, they swim in the pool. I am so close to snapping. My baby has been gone 24 days!!! Leave me alone!!! but they don't.

How do I get them all to go away?

Permalink Reply by Scott's lost mom on July 12, 2010 at 6:46am

Mary,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. I am sure it is not consolation at this time, but your son trying to save his brother speaks volumes. It speaks to how much his brother meant to him. How strong your family bond is. How he thought of his brother more than himself. It certainly is a testimony to what a wonderful mother they have. Stop for a moment be proud.

With that said, your loss is unimaginable. I have no words of wisdom for your grief. Your loss is so precious. I don't know how to get to the happy memory stage. The love and loss feelings are so intense and intertwined for me right now.

I have gone through my son's phone and his email looking for messages from me. He had 25 text messages and 119 emails from me that said I love you. The difference with my son is that he chose to take his own life. He did this after receiving 1 bad grade. He left me a horrid note about being a failure. This grade he thought ended his college and his rotc. He was wrong. I don't know what I forgot to teach him but I certainly missed something. To take his life and this he was failure..why?

Permalink Reply by mary on July 12, 2010 at 12:23pm

You know...it is hard to understand why anything happens....especially this kind of thing. It is NOTHING you did or didnt do...nothing you said or didnt say....I can tell...just by what you are saying. I felt the same way.... why? why did Stephen try to jump that bridge? he was the youngest of four...his oldest brothers did everything before he did... it was something he would do that they never did??? They were all boy...loved nature...I think he knew on the way down...he was in trouble!!! The thoughts of that run through me like ice water in my viens.

I have no clue...all I know is that they are not here... but with God and so is your son. We are suffering...they are NOT!

My sons have come to people in dreams and have told them about how they are... and that everything is ok. MANY PEOPLE!!! but they only came to me once... :( I am still too sad... or maybe they are with me litterally...every day... I feel their presence with me...somebody or something is with me that is for sure...other wise I would have crumbled to bits altogether two years ago.

As a Mother...we protect our children...and I know you did..just from what you are telling me...but some things are out of our hands. I thought for a long time...if I was there instead of my X husband...it would NOT HAVE HAPPENED... but what good is it thinking that it happened...and there is nothing we can do now but believe that we will be together eventually and that they are with all those who went before us.... watching over us!! AND THEY ARE!

My oldest son, Jonathan just had a little baby boy.... it was a mixed thing for me.
I want to be happy but I see myself and my babies all over again in him. Dont get me wrong I am happy for them to be Blessed with a new life...but it is still very very hard.... but all I can do is try...what choice do I have?

Living/Life is all about choices.... our sons made choices....choices we wish to God they had never made.... but they did.... now, we are left to carry on...and WE HAVE TO! Our sons did not do anything intentionally to make us suffer... and for them...WE MUST CONTINUE TO LIVE...AND FIND A WAY TO DO IT WITHOUT THEM ...AND FOR OURSELVES! My life was through my children.... and it will remain to be for them...in their memory.

I will pray for you every day and please pray every night before you go to bed...it's the only way I sleep every single night! It truly helps...it does!

Mary

Scott's lost mom said:

Mary,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. I am sure it is not consolation at this time, but your son trying to save his brother speaks volumes. It speaks to how much his brother meant to him. How strong your family bond is. How he thought of his brother more than himself. It certainly is a testimony to what a wonderful mother they have. Stop for a moment be proud.

With that said, your loss is unimaginable. I have no words of wisdom for your grief. Your loss is so precious. I don't know how to get to the happy memory stage. The love and loss feelings are so intense and intertwined for me right now.

I have gone through my son's phone and his email looking for messages from me. He had 25 text messages and 119 emails from me that said I love you. The difference with my son is that he chose to take his own life. He did this after receiving 1 bad grade. He left me a horrid note about being a failure. This grade he thought ended his college and his rotc. He was wrong. I don't know what I forgot to teach him but I certainly missed something. To take his life and this he was failure..why?

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Permalink Reply by Scott's lost mom on July 12, 2010 at 10:58pm

So I had an anxiety attack today. My husband wanted to get rid of some of my son's things. The army wants their gear back and he wants to take his text books for resale. I totally flipped out. I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I am being medicated and am having terrible side effects. I throw up 15 times a day and haven't eaten in 27 days.

All I could think of was my son coming home and seeing his things missing. It was horrific. I was screaming at my husband "what will you tell him when he walks in the door". He looked at me, the tears started and he left my son's things alone.

I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want him back. I don't want anyone to touch his things. I am going to take his car for an oil change and a wax tomorrow. I am ordering the special mats and interior lights he wanted for a surprise.

His CO from Fort Lewis called today about the packages I sent to him at ldac. I thought I was so smart ordering those in advance. I sent him just the right books, candy, cookies, special socks and the special t-shirts from uscav. I was worried that he would get overheated during training and these shirts are a special material made just for the heat.

How come I am still here?

Permalink Reply by mary on July 13, 2010 at 12:16am

The anxiety is completely normal..not wanting to touch his things is very normal.......... throwing up 15 times a day and not eating isnt.
What medications are you on? Can you sleep at all?

Do you have a Priest or Pastor who could come to the house and talk to you?

Im sorry for asking so many questions...it's just hard when so many who care aren't right there for you :( and I for one wish I could be :(

I am saying prayers for you right now.

Permalink Reply by Susan Wright on July 13, 2010 at 1:36am

Dear Scott's Mom,

I lost my Daniel 23 months ago today. I don't write all the time but , I am going , and doing the same thing. I found this on another site and I thought you might like this.

Found this on another website, thought it says it all but unfortunately did not list an author so I do not know to whom to give credit.
My Mom Is A Survivor

My mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night,
When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
To help her understand,
But like the sands on the beach
That never wash away....,
I watch over my surviving Mom
Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive,
It is her way to survive
As I watch over my surviving mom,
Through Heaven's open door,
I try to tell her the angels,
Protect me forever more!
I know that doesn't help her,
Or ease the burden she bears,
So if you get a chance, go visit her,
Show her that you care.
For no matter what she says,
No matter what she feels,
My mom has a broken heart
That time won't ever heal........

Permalink Reply by Kelly farrar on July 13, 2010 at 10:46am

I woke up today crying my heart out. I miss my son Kenneth so much. He died on March 20th 2010 it will soon be 4 months. I understand I cannot eat, I feel awful, I want him back. It was not supposed to happen this way. But it did. I will never have a grandchild or daughter-in-law. I only have the memories. My son was also an excellent football player. I Love & miss you ken. Love Your Mom, Kelly xxxooo

Permalink Reply by Scott's lost mom on July 13, 2010 at 11:13am

So I just returned from the emergency room. The medication that is supposed to be helping me during my grief is what is making me physically ill. I had a terrible reaction to the lexapro and seroquil. I knew the meds weren't a good idea.

I am hoping that I can sleep until tomorrow. I have never been so tired in my life.

mary said:

The anxiety is completely normal..not wanting to touch his things is very normal.......... throwing up 15 times a day and not eating isnt.
What medications are you on? Can you sleep at all?

Do you have a Priest or Pastor who could come to the house and talk to you?

Im sorry for asking so many questions...it's just hard when so many who care aren't right there for you :( and I for one wish I could be :(

I am saying prayers for you right now.

Permalink Reply by Scott's lost mom on July 13, 2010 at 11:25am

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

I don't have anything to say to make you feel better. This is just such a horrid situation.

I listened to some young people at the hospital today. They swore, talked slang, and were overal "not nice". I want to know why they are here and my wonderful son is gone. The injustice infuriates me. I didn't say it out loud, it would have shocked my husband. The old me, the one that died 27 days ago with my son never would have had such a thought.

I don't know where I will be at the 4 month mark. I want to acknowledge all the effort it must take to get there. Each day is so exhausting and literally feels an uphill battle.

I have another child. An adult daughter and 2 grandchildren. I loved them so much before, but I don't even know if I can feel love now. My grandson told me he is really mad at his uncle. I felt like he had slapped me. Anger at my baby...no, no, no I can't take that right now. I choose my words really carefully, trying to figure out what the old me would have said. She was so clueless. She was so absorbed in trivial things. A spotless house, work, physical appearance, gardening, etc. I bought both the boys video games to play in their rooms, Why did I want them in there rather than out in the greatroom with me?

Wow, the medication has kicked in and I know I am finally going to sleep.

Kelly farrar said:

I woke up today crying my heart out. I miss my son Kenneth so much. He died on March 20th 2010 it will soon be 4 months. I understand I cannot eat, I feel awful, I want him back. It was not supposed to happen this way. But it did. I will never have a grandchild or daughter-in-law. I only have the memories. My son was also an excellent football player. I Love & miss you ken. Love Your Mom, Kelly xxxooo

Permalink Reply by mary on July 13, 2010 at 11:39am

Sleep well my friend...you need it right now! you need your strength all of it and it is there!!

Mary

Permalink Reply by Scott's lost mom on July 15, 2010 at 10:49am

So I have slept and slept. I am glad that I am feeling physically better. Mentally not so much. I have decided to purge my house. I am going to clean every inch of it and finally get rid of the excess. I will also have a chance to pull out the clothes from before my quitting smoking and extra 20 pounds. The weight is finally gone and nothing left in my closet fits. I wear my son's shirts now, but need to find shorts and pants that fit.

I have decided that to get through tomorrow (1 month since finding him sitting at his desk and thinking he feel asleep sitting up, I walked into his room saying "oh is my poor baby not getting enough sleep, do you need Mom to get you some lunch" thinking he had sat up all night playing video games) and the next 11 days I am going to believe he is at ldac in Fort Lewis. I looked at his plane ticket again and he comes back on the 26th.

This will give me 11 days. 11 days to escape the hell. I might even start feeding my husband again. Pray for me that he comes home. That he is filled with a month of great experiences to share. That we talk about his future and what base he wants to pick. That we have the final discussion of reserves vs full-time army at Olive Garden while he eats the appetizers, salad, his beloved pasta (he has the menu memorized but still deliberates everytime he orders) and of course his cheesecake. OMG I am so happy just thinking about it.

mary said:

Sleep well my friend...you need it right now! you need your strength all of it and it is there!!

Mary

Permalink Reply by niki corona on July 16, 2010 at 10:47am

Mary Neary said:

I lost my son 18 months ago. He was 14 years old at the time and was shot and fatally wounded by a "friend" age 15. He and three other boys went over there after school and the boy got his Dad's guns out and was waving a 44 magnum around. He first put the gun to his own head and pulled the trigger then aimed it at Aidan and pulled the trigger. The bullet went through Aidan and hit another boy. Aidan died 1 hour later. The other boy survived but still has a bullet in his spine. Aidan's best friend was in the other room and ran in and had to hold pressure on the wound until the ambulance arrived. I never saw Aidan alive again. I was called by my husband as he was on the way to the hospital. The police has notified him. We found out later that the boy who shot Aidan had been carrying loaded guns to school in his back pack. He was sentenced to murder and convicted of criminallly negligent homicide. He was sentenced to 2 years in a juvenile facility. He had already been getting out on passes. His parents brought him to our church. They never went there before but are going there now. It has been extremely painful for me to see him in the community. My faith has sustained me in my grief but this has made me more angry at God than anything. It just feels like too much, the straw that broke the camel's back. I have had to go through so much grief and loss and anger and now I have to face my son's killer in a place that has brought me spiritual solace.
Aidan was our only son. He was a cancer survivor too. He had leukemia as a young child and was wise beyond his years. He was kind and funny and had a sharp witty sense of humor. His friends loved him as did his family of course. He loved animals and wouldn't even kill a bug. That is why when we heard he had been shot we were shocked and confused. We had no idea about this friend of his. We heard later that the boy who killed him had been depressed and suicidal and had a dark fascination with guns and things that go boom. He also had been drinking and using drugs.
We have a daughter also. She is 19 and going off to college in the Fall. Aidan died in December of her senior year and she decided to take a year off because she didn't want to leave us. They were very close.
I miss Aidan so much that my heart aches. I think of him all the time and when I see his friends I wonder what Aidan would have been doing if he were still alive, what would he decide to do with his life, how tall would he be, what would our relationship be like. My husband is sufferring greatly with this loss also. He and Aidan were very close. It is so cruel that we almost lost him from the leukemia and then so senselessly to such a reckless act.
I try to find joy in every day but I don't waste time doing things that are not meaningful to me. Losing Aidan has taught me what matters in life and that is love, friendship, truth, and faith. My heart goes out to all here who have sufferred the loss of a beloved child.
Thank you for bearing with me and just reading through this post if you made it this far.
Mary