The loss of a mother

I lost my mother march28,2011. I come from a family of three siblings. I am the youngest of three daughters. Today, is aspecially hard, as it is the seventh anniversary of my father s death. It was hard grieving my fathers death, as he died 8days after being diagnosed with a sepsis and a whole host of other issues including cancer. At the time I had been diagnosed with cervical cancer. I did not want to burden or put pressure on other family members; most of all my father. I am estranged from my other two siblings, as things went terrible after the loss of my father.

I am happy to say at least I beat the cancer. Our family is broken with a host of dysfunctional issues that go back 60yrs. So basically, from the age of 11yrs. to currently in my adult yrs. there has been issues in the family and with my estranged siblings.

My mother I think always felt like she had to be the peace keeper, in this. I chose to remove myself after my father s death, to distance myself from my other siblings in order to keep a healthy atmosphere under my roof , and for the sake of my children s as well.

I had many conversations with my mom to get the family into grief councilling and or family councilling. I was the only one that went for councilling for grief and dealing with verbal abuse amost the other siblings regarding my fathers death.

I also had many conversations with my mother, telling her that I could not be part of a family with so many dysfunctional issues if the other siblings did not seek help.

While my mother, was in hospital, one of my siblings contacted me to state the only reason that I was contacted was that it was the request of my mother, and that is the only reason why,only to find that my mother had been in hospital 2 days before finding out. I made a promise to my mom, prior to her death, that I would be civil to the other sibling directly involved. It has been extremely difficult , to deal with one of my older siblings of whom, thought a vacation was more important than being there for our dying mother. I wanted to be with her until she went! I was very greatful to have that opportunity to do just that, until she took her last breath. My mother passed from congestive heart failure, and pneumonia . I feel very angry toward the other sibling for doing this, as well as displaying issues with control with my mothers medical information, putting her through endless testing, while witnessing her being in a coma.

Needless to say, I have sought the advice of a lawyer now,as I feel that this would be best when dealing with my mother s affairs. I really do not want anymore contact with my siblings after this is all over. I even told my mother this well before she became ill.

My husband has agreed to act on my behalf , as dealing with my two estranged siblings has been a total nightmare from the start.

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Permalink Reply by DebNOhio on April 16, 2011 at 2:23pm

Dear Jennifer,

Wow..... what a very rough time of it you've had. I'm sorry for what you have gone

through. It's rough enough losing them, but to have the added burden of that stuff.

{{{{ Jennifer }}}}

Bless your hubby for stepping up on your behalf.

XO XO

Debra

Permalink Reply by jennifer sutton on April 17, 2011 at 3:27pm

Dear DebNOhio,

Thank-you for a kind and caring response! It is comforting to know that each of us in this group shares compassion and caring words, support ,instead of judgement, and harsh actions.

I am new to the group, and am deeply touched by all, and what each and everyone of us, has gone through, with the loss of a parent and or both!

Your words Debra, speak volumes and give comfort at this time! I feel that there will be a light at the end of this tunnel, followed by Peace! I truly am lucky, as my husband does have my back too!

Blessings,

Jennifer

Permalink Reply by Lori Sherry on April 17, 2011 at 6:00pm

Jennifer,

I am so sorry about what you are going through at this difficult time.

I lost my dad on July 3, 2010. I am the youngest of 3 kids. I have two older brothers but, my oldest brother passed away in 1996 due to him committing suicide by overdosing on his own medicine.

I am having a very hard time grieving over my dad's death. He passed away from sepsis and a heart attack.

Now, I was born with spina bifida myeloneningocele which is the worst form of spina bifida but, I'm doing really well.

Now, my parents especially my dad didn't take it well. My mom had hard time but, she did O.K.. My youngest brother took it really hard.

It hit me really hard when I had to have a second shunt in as I also have hydrocephalus which is "water on the brain".

Now, I wasn't very close to my oldest brother but, I'm very close and was very close to my mom, dad and my other brother.

Now, I did have problems but, I'm doing really well.

Now, the problems with my brother went from when he was a teenager to his 30's. So, I was pretty little when the problems began and it went until I reached my 20's.

My mom and dad were both involved. Although, I loved my brother very much I distanced myself away from him. I have/had a very good relationship with my other members of my family.

It wasn't a very good situation at all.

My mom, my brother and I are holding up pretty good but, I think that my mom and I have the hardest time. I think that I have the hardest time since I took care of my dad mostly which I enjoyed.

I sometimes wonder if I should go to grief counseling or grieve on my own. I have been grieving on my own.

I wasn't with him when he took his last breath.

Permalink Reply by Lori Sherry on April 17, 2011 at 6:00pm

Jennifer,

I am so sorry about what you are going through at this difficult time.

I lost my dad on July 3, 2010. I am the youngest of 3 kids. I have two older brothers but, my oldest brother passed away in 1996 due to him committing suicide by overdosing on his own medicine.

I am having a very hard time grieving over my dad's death. He passed away from sepsis and a heart attack.

Now, I was born with spina bifida myeloneningocele which is the worst form of spina bifida but, I'm doing really well.

Now, my parents especially my dad didn't take it well. My mom had hard time but, she did O.K.. My youngest brother took it really hard.

It hit me really hard when I had to have a second shunt in as I also have hydrocephalus which is "water on the brain".

Now, I wasn't very close to my oldest brother but, I'm very close and was very close to my mom, dad and my other brother.

Now, I did have problems but, I'm doing really well.

Now, the problems with my brother went from when he was a teenager to his 30's. So, I was pretty little when the problems began and it went until I reached my 20's.

My mom and dad were both involved. Although, I loved my brother very much I distanced myself away from him. I have/had a very good relationship with my other members of my family.

It wasn't a very good situation at all.

My mom, my brother and I are holding up pretty good but, I think that my mom and I have the hardest time. I think that I have the hardest time since I took care of my dad mostly which I enjoyed.

I sometimes wonder if I should go to grief counseling or grieve on my own. I have been grieving on my own.

I wasn't with him when he took his last breath.

Permalink Reply by jennifer sutton on April 18, 2011 at 11:21am

Hi Lori, I am so sorry for your lose of a brother, and a father too! You have endured quite alot ; by reading what you have gone through too! Just know, that in this group, there are caring compassionate people of whom will listen, and offer comforting words! Only you can decide wether or not going to grief councilling is best or not for you!

I would like to think and do think, that when our loved ones have left this world, that they too find solace and peace in their next journey! I truly believe that in time; those of us who are left behind must find away to cope and deal with loss! I am not saying that there is a time limit either, as we all deal with grief differently ! Take comfort in knowing that you have this group of wonderful people that share in your loss as we truly do know and care! Take Care of yourself and your mom too! Jennifer.......
Lori Sherry said:

Jennifer,

I am so sorry about what you are going through at this difficult time.

I lost my dad on July 3, 2010. I am the youngest of 3 kids. I have two older brothers but, my oldest brother passed away in 1996 due to him committing suicide by overdosing on his own medicine.

I am having a very hard time grieving over my dad's death. He passed away from sepsis and a heart attack.

Now, I was born with spina bifida myeloneningocele which is the worst form of spina bifida but, I'm doing really well.

Now, my parents especially my dad didn't take it well. My mom had hard time but, she did O.K.. My youngest brother took it really hard.

It hit me really hard when I had to have a second shunt in as I also have hydrocephalus which is "water on the brain".

Now, I wasn't very close to my oldest brother but, I'm very close and was very close to my mom, dad and my other brother.

Now, I did have problems but, I'm doing really well.

Now, the problems with my brother went from when he was a teenager to his 30's. So, I was pretty little when the problems began and it went until I reached my 20's.

My mom and dad were both involved. Although, I loved my brother very much I distanced myself away from him. I have/had a very good relationship with my other members of my family.

It wasn't a very good situation at all.

My mom, my brother and I are holding up pretty good but, I think that my mom and I have the hardest time. I think that I have the hardest time since I took care of my dad mostly which I enjoyed.

I sometimes wonder if I should go to grief counseling or grieve on my own. I have been grieving on my own.

I wasn't with him when he took his last breath.