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Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 3, 2016 at 3:40am

Dear Janka ...  Thank you for that beautiful song on YouTube.  I can hear your sadness along with a broken heart in every note of that song and I think we all share that.  It seems for now for some of us we are caught between the beauty of nature and life and desolation of running alone, but not knowing where we are going became of our broken hearts and grieving deeply for our spouses.  Some are lost until time passes by and we begin to find out who we are and just how strong we have become.

Hugs

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Janka on June 3, 2016 at 5:08pm

Dear Marsha!

I´d like to thank you for all of your kind responses to my post!I appreciate it very much!The last month became the hardest for me lately...my beloved Jan´s anniversary of 4 years and 6 months in the 11th of May...then his heavenly birthday in the 16th of May...later my birthday we used to celebrate together in the 28th of May too...May...month of love...it still hurts seeing happy couples walking down the streets hand in hand...Dear Marsha,it´s so hard to believe how we´ve survived it all...but we have somehow...we really have!We became very strong going on in loving memory of our loved ones...Everyone around me is sure that I´m doing very well now...but it´s not true,of course...They´re blind to see what I´ve been going through by now.I do understand because I look like very strong person outside as I was able to cope with my pain all alone,but I´m totally broken inside as I can´t cope with the loneliness I feel so far that is invisible for them...and this is what they don´t understand.As Sara said,they haven´t lost their beloved spouses,none of them,so they can´t understand.As time passes by,the loneliness is getting stronger,although I have the best friends of mine helping me as much as possible and have also met good people in the church I go to almost every day.Believe me that my faith in God is the only reason to stay here and live the best I can to be with my beloved man in heaven one day,otherwise I would have been dead now,I think.Yesterday was very hard.I came home in the evening,entered the room,saving the songs of me and my beloved Jan and found out the song reminding him so much that I was crying all along until the morning came to me to say that I have to try to do fall asleep...This is my reality now...

Hugs from Janka

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 4, 2016 at 4:43am

Dear Janka ...  You are most welcome.  I was really moved by that YouTube and know exactly how you feel.  Oh my, May was a terrible month for you.  August is mine as Ernie's and my wedding anniversary was August 12th, then his birthday on August 30th.  How I miss celebrating those two wonderful occasions as I'm sure you do as well.  Janka, I can't believe we've made it this far either and yet, still I have my bad days, but I keep forging ahead in Ernie's Memory as I'm sure you do for your Jan.  No, we really aren't as well as people think because we still miss our beloved and we wear the '2 masks' (that term given by Jane P) one for society where we are all smiles giving the people around us a sense we are OK and once alone we are lonely, heart-broken and plodding along.  There is nowhere I've read when grieving ends.  It fades to a dull roar and we do get on with life. 

I was surprised you mentioned how lonely you are as time marches on as I've been feeling the very same.  The intense grief is lessening, but now we face pure loneliness.  It is true no one understands, but they should understand to some degree; people today don't take the time to try to understand.  Their turn will come one day and that's when they'll understand.  When I take my dogs for a walk on the dyke and I see happy couples holding hands, laughing and talking I have tears in my eyes and thankfully I wear sunglasses (my savior.)  At times I can hardly bare the loneliness and don't know how to improve my life to fill in some of that loneliness.  I volunteer and go to Bible Study, but it doesn't help for the rest of the days.  I have made nice friends while volunteering and the same with Bible Study.  Summer is here and Bible Study is over.  Two of the ladies there want to keep in touch, but we shall see as all I hear are promises that never seem to come to light.  There are times Janka I feel like a ghost!

It is also my faith and this forum that has kept me alive.  The people on this forum understand and are so kind; when one falls the others pick them up.  I call them 'my angels.'  When I came across this forum 5 years ago it was Chicago Beard who first answered my post and it was up-hill from there.  I feel as though all of us here are one big family.

It took me 2 years to put a framed photo of Ernie in my living room and if I hear a peace of music we both loved I'm reduced to tears like you are so sometimes I stray from those songs and try something new.  It's not to forget Ernie, but I'm starting a new life, so sometimes a few new songs hit the spot.  When you have a hard time sleeping Janka try sleeping with TV on low with a good movie (not a sad one.)  I will do that sometimes.  You are doing better than you think Janka and one day without warning good things will fall your way and you will have a good future.

I hope you continue to post my dear friend. 

Hugs

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Janka on June 4, 2016 at 11:50am

Dear Marsha,

crying like a child we´re running somewhere to find something helping us with what we somehow have to go through...but there´s no way...because this grief has no end...for me not...I´m not like the others who replaced their loved ones to do not feel the loneliness we all feel so far...and as Sara said I´m not gonna do it to make others satisfied,because my beloved Jan is irreplaceable for me forever...He is the best,my most beautiful and only one in my whole life...me and him met the greatest love the others can only be dreaming of...it´s once in life...and there will be nothing more...because it is for eternity!I realize how sad it is but it´s the truest thing I can say,my dear friend!I´m crying now again,saying these words once more,so painful for me by now,more than it seems,because this pain will never go away...As you said,there´s nowhere where grieving ends.We don´t need another man,we just want to have someone near us as a friend,having his company in our lives,for spending a time together,feeling that we´re still alive.I met a friend lately as I needed to feel embrace,someone to hold my hand and kiss my cheek,to do feel a love of people around me,but he didn´t understand me,he fell in love and wanted more from me that I´ll never give to him,so I had to stop this kind of friendship and company I needed so much.There aren´t many men who will be satisfied with a friendship and that´s what makes me feel more lonely.It´s a storm now here,but it´s nothing in comparison with the storm I experience in my life since my beloved Jan died.I like your term "plodding along",because this is how it is when we are alone.I agree with what you said about people who should take a little more time to understand what we´ve been going through by now.They live their own life not thinking how it feels,because they´re happy and don´t want to break their threads of happiness because of sadness of someone else,even if it is the closest friend of theirs.Despite of that I´m thankful for the best friends of mine helping me so much by now and for my strong faith in God that I have now.I experienced something between life and death for a while and it was so real that I have no doubt about seeing my beloved Jan again,so I have a good news for you too,my dear friend.It helps to do stand all of those things I have to go through until I meet my beloved Jan as one again for eternity. This way I´d like to say everyone here who are sad because they heard there is no marriage in heaven that it´s not the whole truth.Those who were the closest to each other here,will be the same there.Please,remember that!It brings much needed comfort in my life.

With love Janka