The pain and guilt are unbearable

Hi, My name is Sharon. My son Brad took his life July 19 2010. It has not even been 2 months yet. I knew he was in alot of pain and depression but I never thought He would ever do this. He lived in Washington D.C. and was a Lt. in the coast guard. He had a beautiful wife and 2 daughters and seemed like he had everything going for him. His Dad had manic depressive illness and Brad didn't show any signs of depression until he was in his early 30's. He started abusing alcohol to medicate his depression. He started having explosive outbursts with his family then he would go into a deep depression. When he past away I started reading up on bipolar depression and he had every sign! I can't get over this terrible guilt that I didn't pay closer attention to the signs. Maybe I could have done something to prevent this. Then I had a friend to tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself; and to stop being selfish. it really hurt my feelings. She said I have grieved long enough. How do you stop grieving? He was my Baby! Sharon, Dallas, Ga.

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Permalink Reply by Kim on September 8, 2010 at 7:41pm

You don't stop grieving, you just learn to live with it. Do not feel guilty. People with bi-polar commit suicide. That is just what they do, and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Their mind is ill, the same as if they had cancer or something like that. I know how you feel, and I wish I could take away your pain. The friend who told you to stop being selfish is very cruel, and I would probable re-evaluate my friendship with her. Time does kind of numb things. I am grateful when I get a few hours when I don't think about it, and, I can laugh again. You are very new to this, and the biggest hurdles are coming for the holidays. All I can really say is I will pray for you and your family.

Permalink Reply by Sharon A. Ramsey on September 8, 2010 at 8:29pm

Thanks Kim for your comforting words. I know They say time will ease the pain but right now it feels like nothing is going to help. I look forward to night time because sleep gets rid of the pain for a little while.

Kim said:

You don't stop grieving, you just learn to live with it. Do not feel guilty. People with bi-polar commit suicide. That is just what they do, and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Their mind is ill, the same as if they had cancer or something like that. I know how you feel, and I wish I could take away your pain. The friend who told you to stop being selfish is very cruel, and I would probable re-evaluate my friendship with her. Time does kind of numb things. I am grateful when I get a few hours when I don't think about it, and, I can laugh again. You are very new to this, and the biggest hurdles are coming for the holidays. All I can really say is I will pray for you and your family.

Permalink Reply by Susan Jason's Mom on September 8, 2010 at 11:28pm

Sharon, I know it's hard and the pain can be unbearable at times. I lost my son one month ago to suicide. I've chose not to feel guilty because I don't think I could have changed the outcome. And it really doesn't make sense to me to think about it because I can't go back now and change anything. I'd only be hurting myself more by thinking what if.

I suffer from chronic depression and I know the depths of it. I know that my son chose to die because of the awful pain that he felt. And I wouldn’t bring him back to suffer with it any longer because I know that he is happier now than he could ever be here. I also know that he is alive and well and doing things that he could never do while here. I think if my son had died from an accident or had been killed it would have been so much harder to deal with because I would always think, he wasn’t ready and he didn’t want to die.

I’m really sorry that your friend said those things to you. I don’t know her intentions. I can only guess that she has never lost anyone that meant the world to her. Your grief is your own and everyone grieves differently. Only you will know when you have grieved long enough.

Know that you are in our thought here as we go through the same losses. You are not alone. There are many people here that will help you.

Permalink Reply by Sharon A. Ramsey on September 9, 2010 at 7:31am

Susan, Your response meant more to me than you will know. You are going through the same thing. I also suffer from chronic depression. It is nice to know that I am not alone. Thank you so much!

Susan said:

Sharon, I know it's hard and the pain can be unbearable at times. I lost my son one month ago to suicide. I've chose not to feel guilty because I don't think I could have changed the outcome. And it really doesn't make sense to me to think about it because I can't go back now and change anything. I'd only be hurting myself more by thinking what if.

I suffer from chronic depression and I know the depths of it. I know that my son chose to die because of the awful pain that he felt. And I wouldn’t bring him back to suffer with it any longer because I know that he is happier now than he could ever be here. I also know that he is alive and well and doing things that he could never do while here. I think if my son had died from an accident or had been killed it would have been so much harder to deal with because I would always think, he wasn’t ready and he didn’t want to die.

I’m really sorry that your friend said those things to you. I don’t know her intentions. I can only guess that she has never lost anyone that meant the world to her. Your grief is your own and everyone grieves differently. Only you will know when you have grieved long enough.

Know that you are in our thought here as we go through the same losses. You are not alone. There are many people here that will help you.

Permalink Reply by michellecrew on September 13, 2010 at 12:19pm

I can really feel the pain and weight of the guilty you are placin on yourself. I lost the love of my life and my guilt consumes me some days all my time and efforts are tryin to see the signs. replayin all our arguements cause he was so lost in his sorrow that he pushed me and the girls away. I sometimes even go up into thought so much I begin to be so deep in misery I begin to think He would want me with him. I hold dear to how I knew him so much he pushed me away cause he wouldnt want me to be around that or the girls to be around all his pain and the times I dont want to accept that reason I hold close to the fact that he is no longer suffering in side his deep misery or sorrow. I have to hold on to whatever helps me at that time cause i am causing my self to suffer too much. I know all he ever wanted was for me to have a wonderful life and i hold dear to that to pass on his love to the girls and so they can hear all the silly moments or so they can know his morals and his beliefs and truely honor the part of their father they carry. I dont know much of what to say and noone does I just share what helps me. I carry guilt to the point I feel I am the whole reason that he took his life and feel the family blames me also. I pray this helps cause I know my burden is heavy. my love and prays

Permalink Reply by Sharon A. Ramsey on September 13, 2010 at 6:29pm

Dear Michelle, I truly feel your pain and it's the worst thing a mother could go through, a spouse also. Some times the guilt consumes me to the point that I don't want to go on anymore. Brad was the world to me and I miss him more than words can express. I am just trying to get by one day at a time. May God ease your pain and suffering and thanks for your kind words

michellecrew said:

I can really feel the pain and weight of the guilty you are placin on yourself. I lost the love of my life and my guilt consumes me some days all my time and efforts are tryin to see the signs. replayin all our arguements cause he was so lost in his sorrow that he pushed me and the girls away. I sometimes even go up into thought so much I begin to be so deep in misery I begin to think He would want me with him. I hold dear to how I knew him so much he pushed me away cause he wouldnt want me to be around that or the girls to be around all his pain and the times I dont want to accept that reason I hold close to the fact that he is no longer suffering in side his deep misery or sorrow. I have to hold on to whatever helps me at that time cause i am causing my self to suffer too much. I know all he ever wanted was for me to have a wonderful life and i hold dear to that to pass on his love to the girls and so they can hear all the silly moments or so they can know his morals and his beliefs and truely honor the part of their father they carry. I dont know much of what to say and noone does I just share what helps me. I carry guilt to the point I feel I am the whole reason that he took his life and feel the family blames me also. I pray this helps cause I know my burden is heavy. my love and prays

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on September 14, 2010 at 12:00pm

What you are feeling is all too normal....and only a selfish person would say you have grieved long enough. A person that has no ideal of what you are going through. You will never stop grieving, and you will never get over it. What will happen, is in time, it becomes more acceptable....only that they are gone from our earthly sight....the death in it self is never acceptable. Because our babies did not have to die, they chose to die. A parent has a hard time ever accepting that. I lost 2 children to suicide. A beautiful 17 year old daughter, and then less than 6 months later, my handsome, always seemed happy 30 year old. Neither had a drug or alcohol problem. They suffered from depression....as their great grandfather before them did. He also chose to die by suicide. Notice I said, "Chose to die", for I find I can accept that way of wording it, over they "Committed Suicide",,,,,so please, it helps really, say to people and to yourself, "My son chose to die, by suicide".....don't ever let anyone tell you to just get over it. It is they that wants to get over it, and pretend life for you never changed....it did....it changed.

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on September 14, 2010 at 12:00pm

Permalink Reply by jeff's wife on September 14, 2010 at 3:32pm

Let me start by saying I'm sorry and as i say that i know that is the last thing you want to hear. But sometimes that all people know to say. But i know your pain. It has be 21 years as of July the 8 for my husband. Time will NOT heal you, what time will do is help you to put it in a place you can learn to live with it. And there will be time when it will still feel like that day all over agian.
Just know that all the question you have right now the answer are with your son. I was so hurt, mad , guilt, and it took alone time to understand he knew what he was doing and his choise was his and never mine. I could not understand why he left me and our 5 year old son who is now 27 and why he could not see i loved him and why i didnt see the signs and did i not love him enough. And when they don't leave a note it makes it all even harder.
Go easy on yourself and know you didn't do anything wrong and you have to go on living so his kids will know and love him. You are the only one who can tell them your stories with him and the special times you have had. And your daughter in law will always need you and her life will go on and if you let it she will always be apart of your as well. I met my husband now at my in laws house, they came to our wedding and we visted them untill their death a few years back. My son and i let my husband go to Jeff's grave with us now (once a year and he help clean just like he knew him) for a few years we just couldn't.
The time are hard when are son has big events happen (wedding , baby, school, ect.) because Jeff missed all of this. I will always love him and miss him, but i had to find a place to put it so i could go on. And my mother in law was the greatest (she was the other person who life was all about him ) she was the only person who knew my loss.
I'm not sure if this will help but i hope it will. I hope you find peace in time.

Permalink Reply by Sharon A. Ramsey on September 15, 2010 at 10:39am

To Jeff's Wife, Thank you so much for your helpful message. It helps alot to hear other people's stories. I know things will get easier with time. I am doing alot of reading about Bi-polar depression and that seems to help me. I talk to Brad every day, hoping by some chance he hears me. My boys are everything to me but he was that special one that always made me laugh. I miss him so much!

Permalink Reply by jeff's wife on September 15, 2010 at 3:04pm

Sharon he does hear you!! When our son got hurt I could feel Jeff's arms around me. I know how crazy that sounds but it is true. So keep talking to him. He is there for you still.
Sharon just remember you may not find the answer. But you will find peace. And you have to go on.
Here is my email if you want to talk vivianwhitten@bellsouth.net.

Sharon A. Ramsey said:

To Jeff's Wife, Thank you so much for your helpful message. It helps alot to hear other people's stories. I know things will get easier with time. I am doing alot of reading about Bi-polar depression and that seems to help me. I talk to Brad every day, hoping by some chance he hears me. My boys are everything to me but he was that special one that always made me laugh. I miss him so much!

Permalink Reply by Runtrat on September 15, 2010 at 4:54pm

Sorry Sharon for your loss. I lost a very close friend(partner) to suicide who was diagnosed with bipolar. I am still feeling the guilt of missing the signs an episode.You see I knew about bipolar and yet still I missed the signs. The worst is I miss being able to pick up the phone just to say hi. I still haven't wrapped my head around the loss. Your friend couldn't be a good friend to say you should be done grieving. No one has that right to tell a person it's time to stop grieving. Take care of yourself during this raw period and keep posting here...