Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Christy on April 28, 2011 at 7:56pm

I understand how you feel...... I watched my husband die from anafalactic shock, it was so traumatic to go thru.  He died at home, and I had to give him mouth to mouth, and watch the paramedics work on him.  I feel like everyone says "GOD wont give you more than you can handle" well how much can a person stand!!!   I don't want to do this on my own, it's only been a month and I'm so incredibly lonely.  I was always lonely before him, and I think it will be worse now.  UGH 

Lynette said:

I lost my husband Rob on Feb 3, 2005. It has been over three years and I dont feel that I am healing at all. He died in a motorcycle accident in Florida (we are from MA). He was only 40 years old. My life is so upside down. I dont know who I am anymore, it has changed me on every level. I have two boys ages 19, and 17. I dont want to do all of this on my own anymore. I dont want ALL the responsibility. I am in danger of loosing my house because he had no . I dont even know if anyone will care about this post but I am doing it because it is a way for me to release my feelings. So many people abandoned me when Rob died, everyone was always going to be there but no one is. In one phone call I was told that my husband of 18 years was brain dead and would not live. They kept him alive for 2 days so family could fly to Florida and then it was over. I was the one that had to make the decision to shut off the machine, I was the one that had to plan the funeral, I was the one that knew when that door at the funeral home opened that my love, my partner, my best friend was going to be on the other side on a slab......Jesus, how do you recover from this. How do you go on and live?

Permalink Reply by kristi on April 28, 2011 at 10:12pm

hi,i lost my son 4 and a half years ago he was 16 years old he died oct 7th,2006 he got shot by his friend and died,it has been hard on holidays and his birthday and stuff,what will  be hard this year is he would of been 21 years old.so i dont really know how i am suppose to celebrate his life.could someone who has lost someone so young tell me how to celebrate in sept 12th he would of been 21.thanks kristi 

Permalink Reply by kristi on April 28, 2011 at 10:12pm

hi,i lost my son 4 and a half years ago he was 16 years old he died oct 7th,2006 he got shot by his friend and died,it has been hard on holidays and his birthday and stuff,what will  be hard this year is he would of been 21 years old.so i dont really know how i am suppose to celebrate his life.could someone who has lost someone so young tell me how to celebrate in sept 12th he would of been 21.thanks kristi 

Permalink Reply by Barbara on June 8, 2011 at 1:49pm

Lynette,

I read your post which said your husband died in February 2005 and I'm not sure if you are still following these conversations, now that it is over six years later.  You said how everyone abandoned you and you had to carry all the burden of responsibility on your own shoulders.  That is so very difficult, I know.  When my 26 year old son was murdered, I had to do most everything necessary to close out his life here on earth.  It's the hardest time of my life so far.  At the end of your message you asked:  Jesus, how do you recover from this. How do you go on and live?  You actually answered your own question.  Jesus is how you recover and go on and live while you are still here and after you leave this earth.  Without the Lord, I would not have healed and continued to live a fruitful life.  I would not be where I am today and would not have the hope of heaven to look forward to.  I pray that by now you have settled into your life without your dear husband.  I know he was precious to you, no one wants to lose the people who mean so much to them.  It happens everyday, unfortunately.  Those of us left here need to learn to make the most of our lives and to live for a purpose outside of the relationship we have lost.  If you are still hurting and lonely, please write me back and I will share some more thoughts on how to move through grief.  I now devote my time as a volunteer to helping people who are grieving.  It would be my honor to help you in anyway I can.  God bless you.

Barbara

Permalink Reply by Barbara on June 8, 2011 at 1:49pm

Lynette,

I read your post which said your husband died in February 2005 and I'm not sure if you are still following these conversations, now that it is over six years later.  You said how everyone abandoned you and you had to carry all the burden of responsibility on your own shoulders.  That is so very difficult, I know.  When my 26 year old son was murdered, I had to do most everything necessary to close out his life here on earth.  It's the hardest time of my life so far.  At the end of your message you asked:  Jesus, how do you recover from this. How do you go on and live?  You actually answered your own question.  Jesus is how you recover and go on and live while you are still here and after you leave this earth.  Without the Lord, I would not have healed and continued to live a fruitful life.  I would not be where I am today and would not have the hope of heaven to look forward to.  I pray that by now you have settled into your life without your dear husband.  I know he was precious to you, no one wants to lose the people who mean so much to them.  It happens everyday, unfortunately.  Those of us left here need to learn to make the most of our lives and to live for a purpose outside of the relationship we have lost.  If you are still hurting and lonely, please write me back and I will share some more thoughts on how to move through grief.  I now devote my time as a volunteer to helping people who are grieving.  It would be my honor to help you in anyway I can.  God bless you.

Barbara

Permalink Reply by wendy lorraine johnson on June 30, 2011 at 10:58am

I lost my mom 5 months ago today. I lost my dad 15 years ago. I feel so lost, an orphan. Im so tired...I dont know how to do this. My mom was one of my best friends. It sounds crazy, but I want to turn to her for support over this...and shes not there! I feel so alone...I have an amazing husband who has been there every step...but there is only so much he can do. I have a 5 year old son and my mom is in his life every week...he is so sad, so confused...I wish I could take the pain for him.  I dont know what to do....the minute I dont have some responsibility needing my attention, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin...thats what brought me to this site...I need support...what am I suppose to do without her??

Permalink Reply by Dealie Calabrese on July 11, 2011 at 11:38am

My mother passed away on my 10 year anniversary but they brought her back 20 minutes later only to leave me with the decision to remove life support a week later...

I left work early on March 2nd because I wasnt feeling well that day. I went home and laid down for a bit and then got up later to study spanish. It was mine and my husband's 10 year anniversary but we decided to stay in sense I didnt feel well. At 8:37 my phone rang. It was my 13 year old sister. She was hysterical and I didnt understand a thing she was saying. I said "Kelli, I dont know what your saying but I will be right there (I only live 2 streets over)". I got off the phone and told my husband and my brother that something was wrong at Moms. We all jumped in cars and sped over to her house.

Out front were 2 police vehicles. I thought to myself "Brian (my stepdad) must have fell of the wagon and done something to her). I walked up the steps to 2 officers standing in the doorway. I saw my Moms french doors to her room, open with my aunt and my stepdad at her side. He was on the phone with 911 and my aunt was saying "OLLIE OLLIE WAKE UP!!! YOU CANT LEAVE"! A wave of... something... came over me and I nearly fainted. My borther was holding onto my little sister who was still hysterical. I ran to Moms side and was yelling "Momma Momma!! you have to wake up Momma"!!! Then the EMT's ran into the room. She was blue, wasnt breathing and there was no hear beat. They immediately started CPR and took her into the ambulance. They sat in front of Moms house for 10 minutes trying to get her heart beat back. Then a man exited the ambulance... looked at the officers and looked at me... I said "Im her eldest"... He said "We have a faint heart beat back so we are proceeding to the hospital". I was overjoyed and ran to my car where my husband, brother and sister were waiting on me.

We made it to the hospital seconds before they did.

About 45 minutes later they came out and said they had a strong heart beat and the dr would be out to talk to us shortly. They asked how long she went without oxygen. No one was really sure. It was about 9:15 and I received the initial call at 8:37.

The doctor came out and said Mom had a seizer and a massive heart attack at the same time. She was currently stable and they had to do surgery on her so they were taking her to ICU to begin. We followed them.

An hour and 20 minutes later the doctor came out to speak with us. We all went back and he showed us the video of the surgery and the progress that was made. Then he turned to me and said "BUT... how long was she without oxygen"? I said "It was anywhere from 7-15 minutes that I know of". He said "ok... the next thing we need to work on is nuerolgic. We believe she has some swelling on the brain. We are going to do a CT scan to check". We got to go back and see her. She was only laying there... lifeless. My heart broke into pieces. My sister was a complete mess and I had to keep it together to comfort her.

The next morning we found out that there was swelling on her brain so they said that when she woke up she would have some brain damage but we wouldnt know how much or what kind until about 72 hours after she woke up.

As the days went by, the swelling got worse til she finally herniated and she was completely brain dead. We all fell to pieces.

The doctor came in to talk to me and said that we needed to start making decisions regarding life support... continue... or stop. I cried for 2 days til I realized that what I was looking at was the shell of my mother and she was already gone. I told the doctors on March 7th to stop treatment. The "Life Gift" people came in and talked to me about donating. Since I know my mother so well, I knew she would had wanted to save lives if she could so I agreed. So unfortunately... removing life support was a little more difficult than I thought. Mom needed to pass on the surgical table....

They came in and gave me, my husband, my aunt and a life long family friend; scrubs and booties to put on. We followed them to the surgical room. They prepped her and then brought us in. It was so intimidating with bright lights and so many people there ready to begin removing her organs. I immediately started crying (was really the first real time other than a few tears thought the week). She looked like she was laying on a cross. The doctor asked me if we were ready... I nodded. They removed the breathing tube and I just watched her die. When she took her last breath, I couldnt bare it anymore.. I ran out of the room down the hall and into another hallway. The chaplin followed me. I yelled and yelled in the hallway; cursing her for leaving us this way. I just wanted to throw up right there. A few minutes later my husband, aunt and friend came out in tears. I asked "is she gone", my husband nodded. I lost it again and yelled at anyone that tried to touch me. My aunt said; while trying not to sob to hard, "She passed at 12:50am ... I wanted you to know cause I would have given anything to know what time my mother passed". My heart hurt so badly (literally). I now know what true heartache feels like. All I could say was I didnt want her to hate me for the decision I had to make.

I miss her so much. Its been a little over 4 months since Ive heard her wonderful voice. The world, life, is so scary without your mother. And now I have a 13 year old sister to comfort along the way. I went to court and won custody over her so she now lives with me and is happy. We try to deal with everything together but its been very difficult. All I know is I miss my mother so much. She wasnt even sick...

Permalink Reply by Jane Doe on July 16, 2011 at 9:52am

March 22 2006 is the day I will never forget and wish never existed. I'll never forget it. I was in bed and the phone rang at 6ish in the morning. And next thing I know I hear my mom scream I run upstairs she's crying I cant get out of her what's going on and then my dad tells me that my brother was killed in a car accident earlier that morning. I just went numb and for awhile that's how I felt was numb. My brother was 29yrs old. He was married and had 2 little girls. One who wasn't quite 1 and another who was almost 3. I miss him every second of every day. He is always on my mind. I still get to see my nieces and my sister in law still comes to family get togethers. She has moved on and is with someone for quite sometime now. There is always a hole in my heart. Somedays I think of him so much and I start crying. Not to mention the toll it has taken on my parents. I was 19 at the time of my brothers accident. He was my oldest sibling and my only brother he was 10yrs older than me almost to the day. I suppose I'm hoping to find people to talk to. Maybe get some advice or see how others have copped.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Battersby on July 16, 2011 at 11:24am

My son died suddenly a year ago, he left two children he loved more then anything in the world.  I think the first six months I denied it, cried every time I thought of him which was almost constantly and just could not come to grips with it.  I still have times when I just can't understand that he is gone.  His wife has moved on and his children are going through something I can't imagine, the nine yr. old has lost her self esteem and cries over every little thing, she is lost without her Daddy. The seven yr.old has bonded with the new man and is doing okay but still misses his Dad very much. I now live eight hrs; from them so only get to see them a few times a year.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help my grandchildren without hindering their forward progress?

Permalink Reply by Mrs Houston on October 19, 2011 at 9:20pm

Nancy, I'm so sorry for all your loss, ny heart broke reading what you've been through. It is unimaginable the hurt you've had to deal with not only the loss but the other physical loss. I pray for the emptiness and the financial burden you've had to endure. You obviously are a strong woman and you'll get through it with time, family, friends and comfort from God. There may be free charities locally that may be able to help with some support. If I may I'd like to offer these verses that gave me comfort during my loss, I hope they help you:

1) A loving God would never take our loved ones: (James 1:13) “With evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone.”

2) God will comfort you: (Psalm 34:18) “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; And those who are crushed in spirit he saves.”

 3) Jesus Christ, thru God’s Kingdom, will bring our loved ones back healthy: “I am the resurrection and the life. He that exercises faith in me, even though he dies, will come to life.” (John 11:25) ~ Hope this comforts you like it has my family during loss

4)(Psalm 72:12-13) For he will deliver the poor one crying for help, Also the afflicted one and whoever has no helper. ¹³ He will feel sorry for the lowly one and the poor one, And the souls of the poor ones he will save.

 

You're in my thoughts and prayers and if you ever want to talk, please reach out.

Permalink Reply by Judy Kim on May 14, 2012 at 7:46pm

I'm only 13 and I just felt the most miserable pain yesterady. I lost my grandpa just yesterday night. I really didn't know what was happening at first, my mom bursted out her room in tears and started shouting at the phone. My grandpa lives hundreds of hundreds miles away (Korea from America). My mom started mumbling out words when i rushed down to see what happened. All i heard was "Gra..nd..pa p..ass..ed a.wa..y". At first i didn't know what she was saying and suddenly i fell to the ground and started pouring out tears. My mom still was trying to contact her sisters and my relatives in Korea but her hands were shaking she just couldn't. I didn't know what to do, my brother and dad didn't know what happened. My brother was out playing basketball and my dad out working, and in all honesty i'm not a really a "helping" person. I suck at making people feel better so all i did was leave my mom downstairs and started rushing up to my room. At first I didn't know what was happening, I almost fainted. I fell on my bed and started shouting at God to help me, to help my mom, to let the pain go away. I felt horrible for leaving my mom crying downstairs, but that was all i could do.

I was just a normal 13 years old girl until this event happened. A day passed and today here I am. I know "only a day passed, It'll be better" but no. I know for sure I won't be back to my normal hyper self for a very long time. My moms on the plane right now flying to Korea and i really wanted to go and see my grandfather's face for the VERY last time until he lies on the ground below me and until I meet him up there, but school and testing got in the way. Even at school today i felt so miserable I even asked the principle today if i can be alone in the libaray. I bursted out crying, for 3 periods straight. ( About 3 hours). My eyes were puffy and when i got out, everyone asked me what happened, and i answered by crying some more. I just wanted to be alone and cry out my whole heart. I miss my grandpa now, i always will. Help me please.    I haven't seen my grandpa since 3 years ago and I was planning myself to go next summer and be with him 24/7 and now, hes gone. Gone, gone from my life.  I have plenty of years left of me but now it feels so useless now.

Permalink Reply by Phyllis Estes on June 2, 2012 at 12:44am

I lost my son Chad a few short days ago..well on the 7th it will be one month.  I am heart broken, and I cry ALOT!  I got the news with a knock at my door telling me my son Chad was dead.  He hit his head when he went on a walk..have no idea what he hit it on..and he drowned.  Just like that!  He was gone.  No warning at all.  We looked for him, yelled, cried, prayed.  On the first night after being gone all night long..I knew.  Moms' I guess, just know when something is not right with their child. 

I can't imagine life without him, yet I'm having to take this on anyway.  WHY?  Yes, I ask why.  All the time.  I don't understand it.  It's not normal to bury your own child.  It's out of order, and it HURTS like nothing I've ever known in my life.  He was so sweet, so good to me.  To him I was like the BEST person in the world.  He was to me too.  I have another daughter, and she is my life too.  I love her so much.  She misses him too.  We all do. 

Sudden death should not even exist in this world!!  Yet, it does, and we get that slap in the face.  It doesn't single anyone out.  It could happen to anybody.  I happened to ME!!

I miss you Chad. 

Always...

~Mom~

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