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My dad died on Wednesday. 4:35pm all alone at the hospital.  No one called me.  Even though they didn't have an updated phone number they could have called Canada411 and gotten my mom.  There is a huge chance that they could have found me since my mom and I have the same first name.  Instead I found out later on that night through an Aunt who called my mom.  My estranged sister who hardly spoke to my father, rushed down there. Had him cremated with no funeral or memorial service and that was on Friday.  I live 6 hours away and am dealing with my own health issues so it's not easy for me to just hop into a car and go.  I am disgusted with how I was treated by the hospital.  They called me the estranged daughter even though I have photo's to prove I visited him every year.  So my sister lied to them.  The Patient Rep said that if there was a dispute regarding my fathers remains because apparently he had no will, (there wasn't any time to find out if he had one or not) that my father's body will rot in the Coroners fridge until he got a city burial.  She told me this after I had only found out less then 24 hours after my fathers passing.  I am truly happy that my father isn't suffering anymore.  Turns out he had been treated for Pancreatic Cancer even though the hospital still hasn't called me back after I faxed my birth certificate and driver's license to prove that I was his daughter.  I am going to write an obit or memoriam for him, to allow others to know what happened to him.  My sister treated him like he never existed.  I know that my fathers spirit is with me and he will be joined with his parents.  I don't believe in God, as I am a former Jehovah's Witness. 

Maybe the hardest thing is this: you never will answer all your questions. Just when you get some answers, there are then more questions. Then it is not about absolutes. It is about faith.

I am new here. I lost my mother more than 20 years ago. She didn't wake up on a morning, she left us at age of 49. I lost my sister 6 years later, she was only 18. She was hit and killed by a car. My father died suddenly 6 years ago. I will stop here, I will not continue the list with other relatives. I spent 20 years of my life (the most beautiful years) trying to get out from grief because it hit us strongly again and again and just trying to survive between many other difficult circumstances. I always believed it will come the day when everything will turn beautiful as in a fairy tale. But it never happened. Even though I am (only) middle age in the last years I felt that I lost the inner strenght to fight, to keep the hope that those painful years will be somehow replaced with beauty and joy. I am not depressed (at least I don't think), I just don't see the reason to fight anymore. All what I can see around me are successful, happy people with perfect families and easy lives and I don't feel I belong to them. My life was shaped by these tragedies (and other things) and I have this feeling that I don't fit anywhere. I have got so many questions, but I don't think I will ever get answers on this earth. 

@ Johanna.... I almost died last year.  Life is worth living no matter how crappy it is.  Surviving grief makes us stronger.  Many blessings to you. 

Dear Beloved Johanna,

I use beloved because in the Bible, Paul the Apostle called his fellow sufferers and brothers /sisters in Christ, his beloved..I see my fellow sufferers of grief and chronic pain as my beloved as I have some clue of your pain.

Your post was so well written, and explains some of how I feel. I lost my health after an accident in 3006, and the ONE n ONLY person I had in the world, passed away last April (suddenly without notice). I was grieving the loss of my health an d now much worse my darling Barry. I find it hard each new day, and then I have moments where I can distract myself and even pretend its not true. The brain has a way of tricking us to believe its not true and somehow put it out of our minds at time, then we become NUMB to all the other things too....I see how you lived and live many years and days in pain and grief...I was raised by a grieving mother (my brother died as a child), and she was always crying and numb. I dont understand death, and I still hold to my faith as it gives me hope and peace to some degree. ON this earth , we will never fully undertand. I wish you moments of quiet beauty, nature and beauty of what life has. We get those tender vulnerable moments on a sunny day, a sunset, love of a pet...a funny movie...we can support one another. GOD bless you dear!! vee, Colorado, age 50

Johanna Kiss said:

I am new here. I lost my mother more than 20 years ago. She didn't wake up on a morning, she left us at age of 49. I lost my sister 6 years later, she was only 18. She was hit and killed by a car. My father died suddenly 6 years ago. I will stop here, I will not continue the list with other relatives. I spent 20 years of my life (the most beautiful years) trying to get out from grief because it hit us strongly again and again and just trying to survive between many other difficult circumstances. I always believed it will come the day when everything will turn beautiful as in a fairy tale. But it never happened. Even though I am (only) middle age in the last years I felt that I lost the inner strenght to fight, to keep the hope that those painful years will be somehow replaced with beauty and joy. I am not depressed (at least I don't think), I just don't see the reason to fight anymore. All what I can see around me are successful, happy people with perfect families and easy lives and I don't feel I belong to them. My life was shaped by these tragedies (and other things) and I have this feeling that I don't fit anywhere. I have got so many questions, but I don't think I will ever get answers on this earth. 

EDIT: meant to say I lost my health in 2006, not 3006 LOL



Vee Herrera Michrina said:

Dear Beloved Johanna,

I use beloved because in the Bible, Paul the Apostle called his fellow sufferers and brothers /sisters in Christ, his beloved..I see my fellow sufferers of grief and chronic pain as my beloved as I have some clue of your pain.

Your post was so well written, and explains some of how I feel. I lost my health after an accident in 3006, and the ONE n ONLY person I had in the world, passed away last April (suddenly without notice). I was grieving the loss of my health an d now much worse my darling Barry. I find it hard each new day, and then I have moments where I can distract myself and even pretend its not true. The brain has a way of tricking us to believe its not true and somehow put it out of our minds at time, then we become NUMB to all the other things too....I see how you lived and live many years and days in pain and grief...I was raised by a grieving mother (my brother died as a child), and she was always crying and numb. I dont understand death, and I still hold to my faith as it gives me hope and peace to some degree. ON this earth , we will never fully undertand. I wish you moments of quiet beauty, nature and beauty of what life has. We get those tender vulnerable moments on a sunny day, a sunset, love of a pet...a funny movie...we can support one another. GOD bless you dear!! vee, Colorado, age 50

Johanna Kiss said:

I am new here. I lost my mother more than 20 years ago. She didn't wake up on a morning, she left us at age of 49. I lost my sister 6 years later, she was only 18. She was hit and killed by a car. My father died suddenly 6 years ago. I will stop here, I will not continue the list with other relatives. I spent 20 years of my life (the most beautiful years) trying to get out from grief because it hit us strongly again and again and just trying to survive between many other difficult circumstances. I always believed it will come the day when everything will turn beautiful as in a fairy tale. But it never happened. Even though I am (only) middle age in the last years I felt that I lost the inner strenght to fight, to keep the hope that those painful years will be somehow replaced with beauty and joy. I am not depressed (at least I don't think), I just don't see the reason to fight anymore. All what I can see around me are successful, happy people with perfect families and easy lives and I don't feel I belong to them. My life was shaped by these tragedies (and other things) and I have this feeling that I don't fit anywhere. I have got so many questions, but I don't think I will ever get answers on this earth. 

Thank you, Vee for your kind words. I am very sorry for your lost. I never experienced serious health issues, I always thought God knows how much a person can endure and I don't think I could endure more. I know what you mean with the tender moments. I still remember that cold, wintery afternoon around 2 months after my sister's death. I stopped working only for 5 days when she died, nobody could replace me and I needed to go to work absolutely heart broken and needed to concentrate in the same way as before the accident. I remember that February afternoon when I walked out from my workplace, very tired emotionally and in my heart. As I looked up on the sky I could see how the sun shined through the clouds. I felt like God saying to me: 'I give you my grace, I am with you.' That moment was enough for me to continue my journey and don't give up for many many years. But these days is very rare when something is really moving my heart. Reading your message I am thinking now maybe this is the reason that my mother had to go first before my sister. If she would survive my sister she would die of pain. May God bless you!

Thank you, Sofia. I always thought grief makes us stronger. I am not sure about this now. Maybe I am strong, I just can't see it. May God be with you.

Sofija Reston said:

@ Johanna.... I almost died last year.  Life is worth living no matter how crappy it is.  Surviving grief makes us stronger.  Many blessings to you. 

I lost my 31 year old son, Ken, to an accidental drug overdose in Dec '12.  It has been just over 3 months and some days my heart is just as raw as the day I got that awful phone call.  I keep wondering why I didn't see the signs of his drug addiction.  His death is a very long and complicated story but he was with a "friend" and it appears that they both got high and Ken was the unlucky one.  I call it "accidental" because I know in my heart that he didn't intend to die.  The man that he was with called for help 6 hours later when he was able to comprehend that Ken was dead.  I had a lot of anger towards the man but I will never know if Ken could have been saved if he called for help many hours before he did.  I will always wonder if he knew Ken was dead and wanted to wait until he wasn't so high so he didn't have to explain  anything to       the police.  I so wanted justice for this man as I think that it's where Ken got the drugs (again, I will never know).  About 5 weeks ago I heard that the man had himself died from a heart attack.  The anger drained right out of me - justice has been served. 

Despite all the unknowns surrounding Ken's death, I am left with a broken heart, struggling to understand things that I will very likely  never know the answers to.  A piece of my heart died with Ken and it isn't something that I will  ever totally get over.  I am in counseling, have  supportive family and friends and trying very hard to pick up the pieces of my life and carry on.  I don't understand how to let go of all the "what if's", and "whys".  I know in my head that there are sometimes no answers but my heart still keeps asking the same questions. How do I put some sort of closure on this- should I put closure on this?  My heart tells me I never will. I just want peace about it on some level.  Ken had ADD and was bipolar and because of that was very impulsive.  He made many bad choices in him life that ended up hurting him.  I feel angry at him sometimes for putting me thru this pain and hurt as well as the pain and hurt he put his family and friends thru.  He had been divorced but had 3 little girls that he left without a dad.  I watched Ken struggle in life and he was going no where fast and sometimes he irritated the daylights out of me and the rest of the family but we loved him so much and will never forget his big smile, his loud laugh and watching him play with his girls and nieces.  His death has forever changed me and my family- we have become closer and realized that we are not promised tomorrow. 

Today I seem to be in "a good place" and can write about his death fairly easily- some days are totally not like this and I am a mess all over again.  I do know that everything I am feeling is normal.  For a long time I wondered when I would feel "normal" again.  A very dear and old  friend of mine that had lost al family member told me one of the most helpful things I have been told to date.  She said that I will never be "normal" again but that as time passes I will slowly find a new normal for my life.  It does seem to be what is happening but I still wish everyday that it never happened.  I still feel sometimes like how can I go ahead with out my son but I know that there is no other thing to do.  I want someday to not feel so depressed and sad and hurting and I think to some extent, that day will come somewhere in the future but right now I feel stuck in this mess of pain and grief.

I joined this group as a way of getting feedback and reading about how others handed something similar.  Thank you for reading this and any reply you may offer.

 

Dearest Mickey,

I am so sorry on the loss of your son Ken. I lost my fiancé on Christmas Night from a accidental overdose, however, I will never know if he took his own life.  Tom was an alcoholic and cross addicted, when I called and spoke with the toxicologist he had just about every drug known to man in him.  I never knew I thought he just drank and took occasional pills.  I found him ice cold in bed next to me and we were only apart for a couple hours as I went to my sisters and he said he didn't feel well. I like you am at 3 months.  Some days are ok, but most sad to say are unbearable. The only task I can complete is working.  Like you I thought of going after a drug dealer who I thought maybe Tom was purchasing from, but after much thought and therapy in reality Tom wanted to die.  Anyone who is so addicted suffers every day of their life.  He was never at peace and never could find treatment to face his demons. In my heart I know he wanted to die and I think he did it for me to live. Our relationship was becoming so chaotic due to his substance abuse.  I know I won't feel much better for a long time as he was my heart.  But I choose to live and I don't want Tom's legacy to be me suffering. I want to survive, sometimes I can barely breathe and than I call out to him. Now is my turn for peace.

Paula

It has been five years since my son Scott died and sometimes when I look at his picture,  it all comes back to me that day, those weeks, the months and years are so hard to understand the reason of WHY.  Scott is a good person, has a kind heart and a good son that I love so much.  I can't pass his picture without saying I love you and miss you so much.  I want so much to have him back and I would give anything to have him back but I know that is impoosible.  His death just tears me up inside because I know he didn't want to die, he wanted to live.   I pray for peace but it dosen't come to me.

I read with heavy heart all of the posts.  It reminds me of the day my world changed, the day my son was killed in a random, drive by shooting.  He was 26 and full of life.  The kind of person who knew no enemies, a young man full of joy and laughter with his whole life ahead of him.  But more life here on earth wasn't part of God's plan.  How did I cope with this senseless loss?  I turned to God.  He rescued me from the deep, dark pit of grief like no one else can.  And now 5 and a half years later, I help others who are experiencing the loss of a loved one.  When Jimmy was killed, I started attending a grief support group called GriefShare.  It was a life line to God with a group of other people who truly understood the pain I was experiencing.  While the rest of the world did their best to say or do something that might help me, or those who didn't know my new reality just went on with life as if nothing happened, this group was the place I could go to and learn how to deal with my pain.   I could be real and express my emotions there.  It helped me to understand all the deep facets of grief and that I wasn't losing my mind like it felt I was doing.  As I healed, I shadowed a group at my local church and now facilitate a 13 week session of GriefShare each year.  Tuesday I will start my 7th time of GriefShare.  Even though God has worked healing miracles in my heart, I still learn from the DVD's and from the participants as they share.  I think this online support group is fabulous, but there is no substitution for live human contact and working through the grief, doing the hard work it takes to get to a place where you want to live again.  You can search for a group in your area by going to the GriefShare website griefshare.org and type in your zip code.  It will bring up a group near you, it is a nationwide organization.  You can also sign up for daily emails of hope that will come to you one each day for 365 days.  I pray that you all can find the peace you need, and God is definitely the one who will do that for you.  God bless. Barb

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