Hello Jim, Thank you for your kind and prompt response.
Barry was my professor as I was a struggling single mom working to get my degree, and he helped me in ways noone could possibly understand: he tutored me, mentored me, helped with my 2 girls in school, cooked while i worked, and the most SENSITIVE to the world person I have ever known. He was an Anthropologist so he was very caring for the specialness of groups and inviduals. We both were a lot in so many ways. We loved to to thrift stores, out to eat and walks.
I am faring okay but Im still in total denial! I totally dont allow myself to know it , believe it, accept it! I cannot bear the pain of him being gone from me in this life...for the rest of this life.
I feel he abandoned me and feel uspet at him at times...makes no sense!
I cope best when being strong as he was. I try to “get on with it” as he would say to me at times...LOL< “Get on with it, Vee!” he named me “Vee” (veronica is my name)
I also feel very lonely for him.
You say it will lesson in the pain but never go away, that to me is awful too! but what can I do but learn to live with it. I dont think I’ll ever accept it, but I can see myself learning to live with it(but now a totally foreign concept that makes no sense).
Can you pictures yourself ever having a mate again? or has this made you feel fearful of losing someone again? Ive wondered that...I wonder if I will ever love again. I know my Barry, and he would want me to love again but of course never forget him as if I could.
My daughter had a baby last week and Barry loved my daughter, Deborah so much, and as I held the baby I knew he would be so proud of her for having her first baby. I also though of the circle of life...and Im more okay with death myself after he passed..did you think about that at all? your own mortality???
Jim, sounds like you are being strong and duitful as she would be so proud.
I am still on Antidepressant and food still is not appealing to me, I eat for energy.
I feel invisible now without him...I know I sound strange.
God bless you. I Hope the Dakotas are nice and not too hot this summer as weve had such a hot summer thus far, but a lot of rain lately and it’s nice.
blessings, vee, Colorado
So sorry about your loss. I will only say this, It's no ones right or business to tell you to get over it, or how long it will take for you to get over it. It's ok to be not ok. You lost a huge part of your life and no one unless they've been in your shoes can say otherwise. Verbally tell them how you feel, it's not ok for them to make you feel bad or what you should do.
Erin Dresler-Looper said:
I'm going to try this online support because everyone says I need to find an outlet and I'm not comfortable venturing out to a group session yet.
My husband just had his 36th birthday on July 6th, 2013. The day was sunny and beautiful. We had friends out for the day to celebrate at the family lake cabin. It was a beautiful day. Everything was perfect.
Sunday morning we woke up at 8am and started our morning coffee routine. We then moved out to the patio where we loved to sit and just talk, sip coffee, read our kindles. Just be us. My husband mentioned how he would like to buy the property next door and grow old out at this property. I smiled and said that would be a nice idea and we would talk about it later after he returned from his hike.
He got ready to do his daily hike up the Mtn Road behind our cabin. He liked to hike it with his faithful companion, our Aussie/Mix dog Daytona. Once he was ready to go he leaned down and said, "see you in an hour and half" and kissed me. I marked his time at 11:50 on my kindle (I always marked his time in case of an emergency....)
I made my lunch, grabbed my kindle and headed out to the dock to relax for the Sunday afternoon. I was only out there for 15-20 minutes when I noticed my dog Daytona tearing across the yard and up the dock plank to me dragging his leash. I knew instantly something was wrong. One.... I could feel it in my soul. Two.... my husband never let go of his dog. I ran up to Daytona who was panting aggressively and shaking terribly. I put him in the cabin, ran upstairs to the top of the cabin road and yelled twice for my husband. Hoping he was in ear shot. My In laws could see I was in panic mode already, but weren't sure why.
I jumped in our Tahoe and my father in law jumped in too, while my mother in law ran up in the opposite direction to the main road. I headed in the direction of the hike I knew my husband would walk. That is where I found him.... 3 minutes from our cabin.... on the side of the road with two passerby's performing CPR.
I ran to his side and held his hand and prayed. I begged him not to leave me. The ambulance came and we loaded him into the truck and raced down the highway to where the helicopter was waiting to whisk him to the nearest hospital. I jumped out of the ambulance and collapsed into the grass about 15-20 feet away. I sunk my hands into the earth and and sent all my energy to my husband.
Then I felt it. The horrible tearing of life from your body. That unbelievable pull on your soul. I knew my husband was gone. I removed one hand from the ground and grabbed my heart and told the lady sitting with me that it's happened... he has passed. I slowly lowered by body to the ground and stared at the Ambulance. One of the EMT's came out of the back to tell me the horrible news. Telling me that they could not get him stable enough to transfer him to the hospital. She was asking me to stop compression's. She said, " honey, he hasn't had oxygen to his brain for 45 minutes now. Even if I could get his heart started he will never be the same. Do you understand what I am saying to you?" I nodded.... yes.
I had to stop compression's on my 36 year old husband. My partner. My love. My companion. My heart.
My husband and I met at 14 years old in high school. We didn't actually start dating each other until I was 17 and out of high school. We had been together as kids and grew into young adults. I don't know an adult life without him. I'm so terribly lost.
I know I must grieve, heal. cry, talk. and start the long path down a journey forward. This all makes sense to my brain. People ask me how I am doing, am I okay? I nod and smile and say I'm fine. I put on that tough exterior I have and show people that I'm doing "okay". Honestly, How can anyone be okay after something like this? My life as I knew it is gone. Our dreams for the future are gone. Am I okay? No.... I'm not okay. I will never be okay with this situation.
Move on? People want me to move forward. Get back to my routine. It will help.
My routine? My routine is no more....I don't know what my routine is any more. I don't have one how can I get back to one? My routine consisted of my husband... that is no more. I wish they would stop telling me this. Can't they see how ridiculous that sounds and how unhelpful it is?
That's my story.... sorry such a long tale. I've never attempted writing out part of the story in detail.
I am new here, and just read your post. I am so sorry for your great loss. I'm sorry for how alone you feel, and there wasn't anyone to help you to make arrangements. Do you go to a church? Or, have you looked online for any churches that meet for "GriefShare"? It could be a way for you to get the support and understanding you need, and perhaps even meet people to come alongside and help you sort through your financial troubles. These are things to do that don't cost any money. I will pray that you find connections with people who care and by showing care, they DO things to help you and your boys.
I lost my husband Rob on Feb 3, 2005. It has been over three years and I dont feel that I am healing at all. He died in a motorcycle accident in Florida (we are from MA). He was only 40 years old. My life is so upside down. I dont know who I am anymore, it has changed me on every level. I have two boys ages 19, and 17. I dont want to do all of this on my own anymore. I dont want ALL the responsibility. I am in danger of loosing my house because he had no life insurance. I dont even know if anyone will care about this post but I am doing it because it is a way for me to release my feelings. So many people abandoned me when Rob died, everyone was always going to be there but no one is. In one phone call I was told that my husband of 18 years was brain dead and would not live. They kept him alive for 2 days so family could fly to Florida and then it was over. I was the one that had to make the decision to shut off the machine, I was the one that had to plan the funeral, I was the one that knew when that door at the funeral home opened that my love, my partner, my best friend was going to be on the other side on a slab......Jesus, how do you recover from this. How do you go on and live?
i lost my 21 yr old sister yesterday it was sudden my mom talked to her at 8am (she was spending the night at some friends) she told her she was going to go back to sleep and come home later, but she never woke up. Her friends called 911 and they tried CPR, but she was already gone. They are performing the autopsy today so we still don't know what happened. i never knew i could feel so much sadness and pain. i am 25yrs old and being her big sister is all i have know for so long. i cant even begin to fathom how i am supposed to live the rest of my life without her. it still doesn't feel real. i don't want it to be real. i don't know how to handle this loss or what to do with myself now. i know i have to be strong for my family, but i just feel like there is a giant hole in my heart that will never heal.
Some of my days are so dark and I feel I am knocking on heaven's door. Why after almost six years why won't that door open and let me in. I feel as a mother I should be taking care of my son even in death. I want him to know I am still there to take care of him. So please I pray let me go thru that door so I can be with my son. I go thru each day with no passion for life. I do what life is expected of me, go to work, eat and sleep, breath it's all so pointless. I should have died that day but as cruel as life is I lived, I live in grief and sadness that won't go away. I have a hole in my heart and I am not complete any longer and never will be as long as I live. I can't talk about this because people will say Oh you need to see a doctor and talk to somebody about what you feel. You can't understand my feelings unless you have lost a child that is so much a part of your everyday life. When I hear someone say I need to talk to somebody I just smile and say I will. I have had four jobs in six years because I can't take some things seriously, when things get ugly, I just step away and I say I don't need this. Life is too short my son is gone from me, I won't listen to this and I won't be part of this. So I wait for Heaven door to open and let me in and then I will be completed. This is my life, this is what life has dealt me. May God have mercy on my soul. Amen
I'm so deeply sorry for your pain and great loss. I too, have lost my son too early. I can't tell you how many well meaning people have told me to go to counseling, to take meds, to take a college class, or take a trip, etc., etc. I've even had comments like "What's done is done" and "there's nothing you can do about it now", arrgh. I wish I had something to offer you. Parents should never have to deal with the loss of a precious child. I think you have exercised more bravery than me in that you are trying to get back out there and work. I haven't been able to bring myself there yet. I'm sorry for your broken heart. :-(
Yesterday was another bad day for me, it always is when I am alone in the house. I walk the floors and carry my son's picture and cry. I yell at the Lord....what have you've done ?? And I so much want to believe in Heaven but wait I can't forget and sometimes I do. At the funeral home as I sat on a couch beside my husband across the room was huge circle of purple light with two small purple balls at the bottom, it was there for only a second and the room was filled with people but when I saw the circle the people weren't there only the purple circle. Strange I know...I should hold on to this sign because it had to came from something spiritual ...from God maybe. I am going to try to look at this as a sign from Scott.
My anxiety is back and really bad this time so I am back on my medicine. All I could think about was dying or death. I took a job at Nazareth Home in dietary and I believe being around death had trigger it. I started reading my book again " The Purpose Driven Life " hoping it will help me to cope with my feelings. I can't seen to find peace with myself.
Sorry to hear of your loss. I continue to search the computer for some type of guideance to get me through the days of feeling lost. It all started a little over a year ago when we lost our nephew of 19 to a drunk driver in April of 2007, then my father-in-law (14 days later) unexpectually in May of 2007, then my father who was my best friend who i lost to cancer in June of 2007. In August of 2007 we lost my father-in-laws brother unexpectually on a cruise and that was a big ordeal to get him back to the united states. Trying to catch my breath and being a year later when the nighmare started, i received news this morning my cousin died of lung cancer at the age of 51. They told him he had a year, and was gone six weeks later. It just does not stop. My mom and dad are my best friends. Loosing my father has be so devistating to me. I feel like i am drowning and just can not come up for air. I know one thing the person who says time heals, i think needs to be punched. The only thing time has helped for me is that it gets easier to hide your feelings from your family and kids. I continue to struggle with the day to day and i do not make it through a day without tears and it has been a year later, but i will keep trying. My father was a hugh part of my life, from a father, friend and my rock in my life. I talked to him about 10 times a day. My mom and dad and my family did everything together. Its hard to keep on living and do what is expected of us, but we need to do it for our children. That is what i keep telling myself. And i do know that my father taught me to take things as they come head on and do not give up. So with his wisdom i hope to gain strength to keep going. Thanks for listening.