Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Alice Stonick on January 23, 2009 at 8:26pm

Melissa, I read what happened to you, and you know I am very,very, sorry for your loss also. I have not heard from James fiancee for almost a yr. I called her mother once to tell her to call me but she won't. I was offered another apt. to move to (in my complex) but I won't leave. Its as though he's still here, I hope you can understand that. He was my youngest (29yr.old) and his brother is 33 but lives out of state. I'm pretty sure I'll be coming more often to this site because of all talking and supporting I see coming from all of you.I never thought I would be able to tell anyone what went on, how I felt, how everyone reacted because it was a sucide, people and friends staying away, at least I can come here whenever I can and just listed and talk. Is that the both of you in the piac? Nice! Alice

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 25, 2009 at 5:30am

Alice,

Thank you for your condolences. I have friends and family telling me that I should move to another apartment but I don't want to. I do believe he's here. Not all the time but, he does come here to check on me at night. They say animals can sense things. I have 2 dogs that loved him as much as he loved them. There have been nights when they would stop and stare towards my bedroom, looking up (Bill was 6'2"), and there's nothing there. Other nights, when I'm trying to go to sleep, my Pitbull, which Bill adored, would lay and stare towards my door when there's nothing there. The freakiest was when he kept jumping off the bed and would lay right next to the blood stain on the carpet where the paramedics worked on Bill. Bill always called Zeus up on the bed and they would cuddle together. Zeus had NEVER laid on the floor, in that area, like that. I knew Bill was there. Like you , I will be coming to this site alot more. I can't talk to the ones I'm close to because I feel like I'm dumping on friends, I would NEVER share this with his sister, and my family keeps telling me that I should move back home to Chicago since I 'have nothing left in Galveston' for me (I was laid off the job I moved down here for 2 months ago)...Yes, that is Bill and me in the picture. that picture was taken 2 days before he died. Funny thing about that picture is, I hadn't seen it until the day of Bill's memorial on January 4th. It was one of 6 that they displayed on stage. 2 of the 6 were us taken at the Christmas party 2 days before he died...Thanks again.

Permalink Reply by Pamela Apostolos on January 25, 2009 at 6:09am

Melissa my name is Pam and I live in the state of California. I have been reading your entries and I pass on to you my prayers and feel for you upon your loss of your soul mate ( as i would put it). I know all to well what you are going through, i lost my husband 1 1/2 yrs ago; he was killed in a car accident on his way home from work. I am thankful that it happened quickly and he did not suffer, but i always wondered what was going through his mind those last few minutes. I still cry at times and believe it or not i still talk to him when i need a friend. I have a 21 year old daughter who loved her dad tremendously and a son who just turned 29. It has been awhile since his death but at times it seems like it was yesterday. I always felt like we would grow old together since we were married 29 years, but i guess God had other plans. I have animals just like you; 2 chihuahuas 2 chihuahua mix and 3 cats!, and it is true what you said that animals do sense things that you cannot see and don't let anyone tell you different. I would talk to people but at night it is hard at times, so if I did not have my pets i don't know what I would do. Friends and family give you love and support but an animal gives everything it has unconditionally. I know you feel like you don't want to dump on people that you are close to but let me tell you , if you have really good friends and family that is what they are there for to help you through the tough times. It might be too soon but you might want to consider grief counseling and even writing in a journal; i went to counseling and it does give you tools to deal with your grief and to let you know you're not alone. Your friends and family i understand are telling you to move to another apartment, but you don't want to and that is okay. They are only looking out for you but in reality you have to do what is right for you and your pets. And if you want to stay where you are at and find another job that is fine to. Also to where ever you go and where ever you live Bill will be there looking in on you. I wish I could tell you something to make the grief less painful but i can't, I can offer you my thoughts and prayers and that there are alot of people on this site that have been through the loss of someone. I think i have written enough so i hope you take care of yourself and get some rest....God Bless

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on January 25, 2009 at 8:58am

Hi Pam,you put the words together well. Melissa you can create an MemorialWeb Site for your love one. On there you can view his pictures,talk to him,watch your video clipping and there is a journal that you can start for writting everthing you maybe thinking. Even remembering some of the old and goodtimes that you two shared together. Trust me I lost a very dear friend after being together for 24 years. I know the feeling. We are here for you Melissa,you need us write...Elaine

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 25, 2009 at 6:12pm

Pam, I am and sorry for your loss and thank you for the thoughts and prayers. It's ironically funny how Bill always said he wasn't afraid to die. I have been talking to his sister in Virginia every day for 4 weeks now (we have never met...that's a whole different story). She told me at one point she's not scared to die (she has the same clotting disorder Bill had) just like Bill wasn't afriad. I told her nicely that you can say that all you want but you will never know until that moment comes.She keeps asking me to tell her what happened that night because she thinks there's more to the story than what I've been telling her. She asks, begs, and tells me she can't find peace without knowing. I have told her time and time again that the only answer she will get out of me is that he collapsed on my floor and died in his arms. I don't believe his family needs to know the whole truth. I'm embarassed I told our friends what happened. I was so distraught when I told them. The friends I have made down here through Bill have been absolutely wonderful. 2 offered to fly me from Galveston, TX to Virginia for his services. I have received offers for financial help. They have offered me a shoulder to cry on. A couple of them even spent the night with me for the first couple of nights because they didn't want me to stay by myself. They are wonderful people and couldn't have a better support system. I have been writing journal entries. I had been doing that for about a year. I have been doing them just to get out some of the things in my head. I have thought about grief counseling. I know I need it. I just need to fins someone in my area so I can go. I know better, I know I need it. Once again, thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Permalink Reply by Pamela Apostolos on January 25, 2009 at 7:37pm

Melissa it sounds good that you have a support system that you can count on, you cant go through this alone no one should. The people that offered to fly you to Virginia for Bill's services take them up on the offer. One thing I had at my husbands funeral was a memory book with his Harley Davidson helmet right beside so people could write what they felt in the book. I don't know you said that Bill's sister has the same condition and i am so sorry to her that. If she is close by to where you can go visit her that would be a great idea, so the both of you could sit down and really talk about what happened. I know you said that she is begging you to tell her what happened and you are hesitant to tell her, I can understand how you don't want to tell her, but if she asks you the next time maybe you should tell her. I'm not saying tell her moment by moment what happened, but tell her enough to ease her mind and maybe give her some closure to move on. I don't want to say anything to hurt your feelings or upset you because Bill's passing is so fresh in your heart and mind. One thing I did was i made sure i got everyones phone number email address and house address so i could keep in contact with them , and also to thank them for a sympathy card or financial help or whatever they may do. There were times back then when my husband first died i knew he was gone but i woke up and thought it was all a nightmare. One thing i can tell you that your life will never be the same, it will get better in time and that is the key word time.It is 5:30 p.m. here in California and the sky is black and poring rain, and these are the times that i miss my husband; we would watch old horror movies and just enjoy each others company. One thing you should ever feel embarrassed about is telling your friends what happened, that is the only way they can understand hopefully what you are going through. Take people up on their offer to help you financially it is hard to do but don't feel bad if you need it. When it is time start looking for another job if you need to, but that will come in time. I don't know if he had insurance policies or 401K or anything for that matter that you could collect on, and i know here in California i was able to collect a one time death benefit of 250.00; and then i received the death certificates from the coroners office and sent one to Social Security office to collect each month his ss, it is not much but it does help in the end. If he had a will or anything that might help you it is worth looking into when you are ready. Looking back i cannot believe the day after my husband died i went into a getting things done mode that drove my son and his wife crazy. For the first six months it seems like time stopped but in reality it just kept on moving. I dont have very many friends but the ones i do have i hold close to my heart and i know you will do the same. People just like you gave me alot of advice some good and eh some not so good, and i would just sit back and take in as much as i could take and then made choices that made me happy but my family as well. Like i said earlier your loss is still fresh in you mind and it will take alot of time to go through everything and that is okay. If you can only deal with one minute at a time so be it, don't try to deal with too much at once it can and will be overwhelming. I learned early on to get as much rest as possible try to eat right and get out in the fresh air or go to a beach or park just to sit with the dogs. Well i will close for now and if you want to talk more my e-mail address is pamapostolos@comcast.net, drop a line and keep me updated on how things are going.

Take Care Pam

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 25, 2009 at 6:23pm

Elaine, that is wonderful that there is a website that people can go and do that. I changed my 'MySpace' page to honor Bill. I have a slideshow of his pictures and a video. I added the video so his sister could hear his voice again. I will have to check out the website and think about creating a new one for Bill. Thanks for letting me know.

Permalink Reply by Alisha on January 26, 2009 at 6:03pm

I have just recently lost the one I love, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, my best friend, my lover, my companion....he committed suicide by gun shot on Friday January the 16th 2009, and was alive for 2 days after that...he passed away at 10:35 am on Sunday January 18th 2009...I feel so bad and depressed right now...i was the last one to talk to him...I received a call about, well not even a minute later from his sister and she was yelling at me and crying telling me why did i do this to her brother and that he shot himself in the head and he wasnt breathing, I didnt believe her I asked her what are you talking about?She replied again the same thing she just said, she then proceeded to tell me that she didnt want to talk to someone who did this to her brother...I immediately fell to the floor crying....i was at a loss for words and was intent in my own thoughts and feelings....I felt guilty because a few months ago we moved in with each other and I ended up putting him out of my house 3 weeks before this but it was because of very good reasons, he started becoming abusive and i felt like my life was in danger every time he started to get angry ...long story short, we got back together and a week before he did this i just explained to him that i needed time and that we needed to be apart...i guess he couldnt grasp it but he knew that he had done me very very wrong for quite a while...the night this happened i was on my way home from work, but something told me DONT GO HOME because i knew that he was mad, so i didnt, i went straight to my cousins house...he was repeatedly calling and texting me...he ended up texting his suicide note to my phone and thats when i got the call from his sister....i cant even explain how tramatic this is for me....his sister still blames me and i feel like she has told the world that this is all my fault...i get threats from people because of her and what she has told people...his funeral was the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with in my life...actually it was the hardest day of my life...his casket was closed throughout the funeral and as they wheeled his casket down the ile, i thought that they had put him in the hurst, but to my shock they had opened his casket for the first time at the front doors so you had to walk by and see him before you left the church...i was walking and my eyes fell upon his face, he didnt look like himself at all,i felt my knees give out and blackness surrounding me, i dont even remember getting into the car, i remember hyperventalating and felt that i couldnt breathe....i couldnt even go to his burial because i couldnt take anymore pain....I try to remind my self everyday that this is not my fault, and God has helped me get this far and i thank my family for being here for me through this hard time....i can now talk about and im not crying every minute....so thanks to God and my family and friends because without them i would be a terrible mess right now...R.I.P Demontre Cartrel Carter...01-01-1990-01-18-2009....I love you....09-26-06<3 Always in my heart!!

Permalink Reply by kristi on January 26, 2009 at 9:29pm

HI ALISHA,MY CONDOLENCES.WELL I HAD A FRIEND COMMITT SUICIDE IN SEPT OF 2008,HE DIDNT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIS WIFE OR KIDS ANYMORE AND SHE WAS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE AND IT HURT HIM,HE WENT UP TO A MOUNTAIN AND CALLED HIM AND SAID HE WAS SORRY AND HE THAT TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE KIDS,AND WHILE SHE WAS ON THE PHONE WITH HER HE PULLED THE TRIGGER,SHE BLAMED HER SELF FOR A LONG TIME.SHE IS STILL SEEING THIS GUY AND NOW IS HAVING HIS CHILD,WHILE WE WERE AT HER HOUSE HE WAS THERE AND WE FELT THAT SHE NEEDED TO GRIEVE FOR CORAL.BUT HE WOULDNT LEAVE,SO FINALLY HER DAD TOLD HIM TO LEAVE THE WIFE ALONE FOR AWHILE.AND HE DID HE DIDNT SHOW UP AT THE BURIAL OR ANYTHING.I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROU BECAUSE MY FRIEND IS REALLY BESIDE HER SELF.WHAT SHE DID IS SHE STARTED TO GO TO CHURCH.AND NOW SHE GOES TO LEARN WHY OR HOW THINGS HAPPEN,ME I GO TO SUPPORT GROUPS BECAUSE I LOST A SON 2 YEARS AGO AND IT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME,AND I GO TO CHURCH EVERY OTHER WEEKEND.SO PLEASE TAKE CARE AND KEEP IN TOUCH.HOW OLD WAS HE MY SON WAS 16 WHEN HE DIED AND HE WAS BORN IN 1990 HE WOULD OF BEEN 18 THIS YEAR.THANKS KRISTI

Permalink Reply by Alisha on January 27, 2009 at 2:52pm

That is terrible, I had a feeling if i did pick up the phone that night that he may have shot himself over the phone with me, i couldnt even imagine how i would be feeling right now, i would be a complete mess! My boyfriend just turned 19 on January 1st, he was born in 1990 as well. Thanks for your reply Kristi i really appreciate it! And all these replys to mine have really helped me alot! Thanks to all!

Permalink Reply by Pamela Apostolos on January 27, 2009 at 12:05am

Alisha i am so so sorry for your loss; what you have gone through has left and empty spot in your heart and my thoughts and payers are with you and your family. After reading your story i want to tell you, don't ever feel guilty for how you feel and that it was not your fault for what your boyfriend did, he did it to himself. I feel sad that he had to end his life the way he did, and i can only imagine how his family feels with the tragedy of the loss of their son; but you did not pul the trigger. I was shocked to hear what he had done to you (the abuse) and even though i don't know you i was so very proud of you for kicking him out of your home, nobody should have to go through an abusive relationship. I had been very lucky with my husband George, i was married to him for 29 years and have a 21 year old daughter and a 29 year old son; but unfortunately he was killed in a car crash 1 1/2 years ago. I talked to him on the phone an hour before he started for home; and i told him to be careful and i would see him when he got home. Well of course that never came to be, and my life changed from that point on. sometimes i don't know how i made it this far but looking back i did with the help of family and friends and but at night when all is quite i have God to help me through the tough times when i am alone. As far as your boyfriends sister....... she is hurting so very much because she has lost her brother and best friend and she needed to blame someone and that someone was you. I am not on her side but i hope you understand why i said what i did. When you feel it is time and you will try to find some grief counseling and begin to write a journal; and writing the journal does help, it gets all the hurt, anger, loss, grief out and down on paper. I hope in time your boyfriends sister will come to realize that it was not your fault, but if she decides not to change her mind then so be it. I was wondering if i may ask, did your boyfriends family or anyone that knew the two of you know about the abusive relationship, and if not that might shed some light on their feelings towards you, it is just a thought. Well i hope everything will be okay for you in the days to come and i will keep you in my thoughts.

Permalink Reply by Alisha on January 27, 2009 at 2:39pm

No one knew about the abuse except for my cousin and my cousin kept telling me to GET OUT! So thats what i did...he was starting to get controlling as well, like telling me what i could and could not wear, who i could and could not speak to, what time i needed to be home and he stated that it is a womans JOB to cook and clean the house! I also want to tell you that I am very sorry for your loss and i am trully greatfull that i am not the only one that has gone through a loss and is grieving, it will take some time for us , some longer than others, but we should know that in the end it will all work itself out. Your in my thoughts and prayers!

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